“…So, I peered through a window
A deep portal, time travel
And the life I gave away…”
To Levi Ackerman, there only existed one truth that night: Hanji Zoe was marvelous. A soft dream came reality.
He could still picture them, vivid in their caqui suit. Their hair poked from underneath their hat, the tie a bit loose around their collar.
“Straighten yourself up.”, he’d told them, back in the hall of the Azumabito mansion. They’d just arrived in Marley; the kids’ bags pouring over the front entrance.
Hanji’d stared at him through the mirror. They could hear everyone’s chatter floating up the stairs, feel the buzz in the pit of their stomach.
“Mind helping, then?”, they grazed him a smile.
Levi rolled his eyes, but walked up to them, regardless. On the upper floor, the kids fought each other for which rooms they’d pick; Onyankopon sat by himself in the kitchen.
“We have to stay put, remember?”, his fingers touched their neck, trying to accommodate the tie, first. It made Hanji yelp and shiver, almost. How his breath trickled their skin; warm, delicate. To see how he could flatten out their shoulder-pads in one swift motion, like he was ever quite the expert. “Hold still, idiot.”
They showed him both their palms up.
“Fine, fine.”, they said, surrendering, yet laughing, still. Levi was near, maybe too much, even. They could see how blue dappled into his grey irises. The tiny mole that dotted the corner of his mouth, as well. “How do I look?”
He turned around to face them fully; his back now in front of the mirror. His hands had taken in the tie to knot it, and it seemed, time had stopped, right there and then. As if the air had charged itself with tension, and it was just him and Hanji against the world.
They smiled at him again; a wider grin this time. They were closer now. So much so, he could grasp the heat off their skin, count the freckles on their cheeks. He'd actually never realized how wonderful they were, up from such a short distance. Their eye swirled with golden sun; brown locks brushing over their face. It was like they weren't even trying.
He huffs, lets the faucet run open. It’s a wet summer night in Paradis; the quarters silent at such late hour. Far behind was left Marley, all across the sea, with its fancy crowds and bustling streets. Eren had stayed there, for reasons he knew, but didn’t quite understand. Hanji had cried upon receiving his letter, barely four moons ago.
“We’d done everything we could, Four Eyes”, he’d assured them, tossing them a shirt so they could sneak in his bed. “For better or worse, he's gonna come back.”
He tries to choose a happier memory now, alone in the common showers. They had been joyful the week before, radiant as the early sun. Back then, to him it seemed like they didn’t have a worry in the world. Like the past had been buried, and only scars remained as proof. He reminds himself, that that was the Hanji he loved the most, indeed. The one that fed carrots to cars, and smiled at the new with their wide, child-like gaze.
"Leeeeviiiii!", they'd call, with that high-pitched tone they used when they wanted something from him. They had dragged him from one stool to another, never letting him stand in line for more than a minute.
He didn't mind it, though. That their lips had stained with candy, or that the tie he'd knotted had wrinkled. He could have gotten used to it; the light on their heads, the sweet and spice mingling in the air. It felt normal, for once. Like he and Hanji had formed a big, big family of misfits, and they were showing them around the alleys of their neighborhood.
Cold droplets now slide down his back. Tensions were high after Yaeger's disappearance, and he needed to cool himself off. Hanji had been weird, too, ever since getting the news. He could see it, in how violets had bruised around their stare. The way he had been able to touch their ribs the last time he’d bathed them.
"You should eat something.", he'd offered, finally, earlier on that night. They were on their desk, vision fixed into a few tall piles of paper. "We need that shitty brain of yours to stay sharp, you know."
They'd nodded, then looked over at him with their mouth pressed.
"I'll catch you after I finish up with this, alright?"
Levi sighs, shakes his head under the shower. Truth was, he'd tried the same; food, tea, bringing himself to bed.
There's a part of him that says it's his fault, at last. That he should have seen this unfold, one way or the other. Back on the Marley markets, everything seemed possible. He'd fooled himself, getting caught up in the magic of it. Hanji'd lace their fingers up with his, walk him through the traffic. And he'd make a song out of their laugh, label it as his new favourite sound.
How could have he been so stupid? His teeth clench, his fists squeeze. A weight pulls inside his chest when he pictures them again, standing in their suit and hat. They had never been brighter than in that moment, sorting out the crowds with a million paper bags. He can paint them now, frame their every color, not even having to close his eyes.
He takes the soap-bar in his hands. He has no idea how long can a person yearn. But the way his heart churns for the Commander can’t be normal. There’s a burning sensation that claws at his skin, every time he thinks of them— all cute dimples and big smiles. A blazing sparkle that sets him on fire, without him being able to put out the flames.
He shakes his head once more. He was a man, first, but a soldier, too. Besides, Hanji was his best friend. His Superior Officer, fuck it. He couldn't feel this way about them. Like butterflies— no, horses—trickled, and ran all over his body, ever so carelessly.
Who, in his right mind, would allow such messy slip-up?
"...I guess sometimes we all get
Some kind of haunted, some kind of haunted..."
He sighs again. It’s his fault, too, that Eren and the kids had wandered off that night, while he was at the Azumabito’s alone with them. It had rained for a short period of time, but he didn’t care much for it, either way.
“Can’t sleep?”, Hanji’d appeared from behind him; their voice taking him aback for a second. It was odd, that they were both in the gardens, even under the light drizzle that poured.
Levi didn’t turn around to see them. Instead, it was them who walked up to him across the gallery-floors.
“Guess that makes two of us.”, he said, still looking upfront. The Azumabitos were wealthy enough to own a few acres— land reaching further than the eyes could scope. A mix of rain and dew covered most of it, making plants and flowers glisten with a silver sheen. It was a beautiful, yet melancholic sight to behold; to be just the two of them in the midst of something so grand.
Hanji’d stretched themselves next to him, holding back a yawn.
“Ah, it’s just that I’m still so pumped about today!”, they’d exclaimed, loud and clear. After all, it was true. Their first time in Marley had been quite the adventure. They had tried a frozen dessert the locals called ice-cream, even let Onyankopon take a picture or two.
“Four Eyes”, Levi crossed his arms. His voice was low; a murmur that drowned under the pitter-patter of the drops. They'd been trying to convince themselves they were not worried, but he knew. “You’re normally clear-headed. Right now, though, you’re acting like you’re trying to hold back a shit.”
“…I guess sometimes we all get
Just what we wanted, just what we wanted…”
He shuts his eyes. He wishes he could have turned the tables, back then. That he could have gotten into the labyrinth of their mind, perhaps disentangle their fears, too. He has no idea what he would have done, instead, though. He didn’t consider himself as good at speaking, or giving advice, like Hanji was.
He thinks about it for a moment. Maybe, if he’d been brave enough, or just the type of person who hugs people, he would have hugged them, indeed. He’d have inched closer, much in spite of himself, and hung up an arm around their shoulders. The rain would intensify, almost as if putting them to test, but he wouldn’t falter. He would have hugged them tighter, even. Brought them to his chest so that they could share the weight of the world together.
“…A slow-motion, love potion
Jumping off things in the ocean…”
He gasps. Some kind of warmth has installed in his stomach, now that he plays the scene inside his head. It’s a feeling that stings, that leaves him breathless, and that spreads from his middle, then down his legs. He can touch Hanji’s heat as if it was real, there between his hands. They’re wet from the summer downpour, with their suit sticking to every line in their body.
His jaw tenses, when he imagines them pulling away for an instant. Brown locks have darkened under the water, framing their cheeks like they’ve been sculpted. They’re so gorgeous, it makes his skin flare with desire. So wild and precious, he can’t help but unravel— like the ground is shaking and he’s weak on the knees.
“Levi…”, they tell him, tucked inside his fantasies. They are so near, he can see them blush under pale moonlight. “I’m scared we’ll never experience this kind of happiness again.”
He lathers up foam between his fingers, then washes his chest, his arms, his torso. A part of his heart dreams about the shower, or the midnight rain, making it all go away. As if this— this electricity—he keeps for Hanji could be forgotten, just as easy as flushing down the drain.
“Shit, Four Eyes.”, he curses. His voice echoes in the empty bathing-room, and in the wide mansion gardens. Truth is, they make this more of a challenge than what’s supposed to be. They’re his best friend. His Superior Officer, fuck it. They shouldn’t be cupping his jaw, tracing his contours with their index. He shouldn’t be allowing this, either, staring at their lips with a life-time worth of yearn.
“I don’t want this to end…”, they whisper, almost skin on skin. “So, please, just for tonight…”
He kisses them. Were he less of a fool, he would have done it sooner, back then, if he had the chance. He’d have pulled them by the flaps of their suit, sewn the gaps between them until there was no more space to breathe.
“Hanji…”, their name escapes his mouth, as if he’s written it in cursive letters. His forehead rests against the tile; one hand touching himself, the way he’d have wanted them to do it in the downpour. He can taste them now, fully, all over his tongue. They’re the morning dew, and the fierce summer storm. The dampened earth, and the early ocean breeze.
He clenches his teeth. A wave of shame washes over him, when all the pent-up tensions settle deep below his belly. He shouldn’t have caved to such primal instincts, after all. He thought he was smarter than this! And yet, there they are again: the butterflies— no, the horses— making a mess out of him.
“Fuck it…”, he strokes up and down, hands tight around his length. This is dangerous, he tells himself. No, worse than that. This is bad. He should probably stop, drape a towel on his waist and call it a day. Still, in his mind, Hanji doesn’t quit. They pull him closer, if that was even remotely possible, and he picks up the pace, drinking raindrops off their lips.
"Welp, sure wasn't expecting that...!", they half-laugh, separating for a moment. Their hat has fallen to the ground, their suit so soaked it's turned heavy on their shoulders.
Levi doesn't smile, but there's a gesture somewhat similar to it that's drawn on his face. In the fancy gardens, in the midnight rain, in the lonely showers, he hopes that this will finally wash it all off, indeed. That, next time he stares at Hanji, he won't feel embarrassed, or nervous, or like lightning has struck him in half.
He places a strand of hair behind their ear. His fingers burn at the points where he meets them; their brows, their lids, their nose. He follows the course of the rain, ever so delicately. And then, he kisses them again— hungrier, deeper, wider.
“Four Eyes”, he hisses, right at the edge of release. His skin hurts, his muscles ache, his vision blurs. They’re moaning against his mouth, and he swallows their sounds along with thunder. Maybe, were he bold enough, or just the type of person who’s physical, he would have taken them, right there and then. Laid them down on the patio and spread their legs, not even daring to take off their suit. “Guess that makes two of us.”
Oh, how could have he been so stupid?
He opens his eyes, and it dawns on him, like moonlight flicking through the clouds. Hanji stands in the rain, and in the Marley port, and in every corner of his brain. They’re wearing their caqui coat, and they smile at him. That sheepish grin that shows him they know they’re a menace. As if they were saying: “Leeeeviiiii!”, and refusing to leave, if ever.
“Fuck it.”, his jaw strains, as he catches back his breath. Perhaps, he realizes, there was no “washing this off”, in the first place. No magic tricks to make the horses run away.
Hanji Zoe was marvelous, indeed. A soft dream came reality.
And just like that, he’d fallen for them.
