neo/alpacasso

truly like i don’t exist and never did exist. i made zero impact huh. really hard , wasn’t right the way things ended, all avoidance no answers

it still hasn’t gotten easier

it still all hurts so much im so sick of this

very hard not to even message ‘merry christmas’ ,

it sucks, but there’s no point in reaching out to say that. just wish it didn’t hurt me so.

I wish the happy memories would go away they’re so painful

I know it’s been months but it still haunts me

It probably will for years. The way things ended overnight. Maybe it was over for you for a long time before then, but I had the rug pulled out from under me.

I hate that everyone shoved down my throat I had to accept it as it was and not question it. That I wasn’t owed anything, that the decision was valid.

Was I not worth a warning? A second chance? An actual explanation? Some closure?

The words echo in my head. I won’t change, all I talk about now is my cat. No, you didn’t see a marriage or future with me. I still feel like throwing up when I think about it all.

Not even two weeks later, seeing screenshots from someone claiming their friend was involved in you leaving me. So what was the truth? Fuck if I know.

All I know is you were so cold and so far away so quickly. When did you grow to dislike me so much?

And I know that you know someone said something to me and that they implied infidelity. But still, you did not reach out.

You never did speak to me again after I asked if you missed me and you could not even fake kindness in your heart to lie to me.

For weeks and weeks I thought you might miss me enough that maybe you’d at least reach out to check on me. The weeks turned to months and I’m sure eventually they’ll turn to years until one day one of us is gone. What a sad realization.

I’m sure they were worth it to you. I just wish you hadn’t painted me out to be such an awful person, because the guilt and weight of the entire blame being put on me are eating me alive.

The dog squirrels, the sock pulling, the tiny memories that are the ones I can’t seem to forget. How stupid.

no matter what I do it all feels so meaningless without you

things I've enjoyed my whole life, before you were even in it, even they somehow lost their meaning

how stupid

I'm so stupid