Linda: Top reasons to get married?
Lucifer: Firmly saying “That’s my wife!” and knocking someone out in one punch.
Linda: ...
Lucifer: And love, I guess.
Chloe: Can you turn the lights on?
Lucifer: I don't have to, you're the only light I need in my life
Chloe: Lucifer, I can't see
Lucifer: Would you like to play 20 questions?
Chloe: Sure
Lucifer: Ok, you go first
Chloe: Hm, what's your favorite color?
Lucifer: Triangle, my turn, wanna have sex?
Amenadiel: Why is Lucifer crying on the floor?
Maze: He’s drunk.
Amenadiel: And...
Maze: He saw a picture of Chloe’s boyfriend.
Amenadiel:
Amenadiel: -but he's Chloe's boyfriend.
Maze: I fucking know.
Lucifer: I have no heart. Love is for fools. I’m Lucifer bloody Morningstar who don’t need no woman in my li-
Chloe: *breathes*
Lucifer: Well fuck.
Chloe: *kisses Lucifer*
Lucifer: What is this?
Chloe: Affection.
Lucifer: Disgusting.
Lucifer:
Lucifer: Do it again.
Chloe: There were some girls saying I couldn’t be a princess in kindergarten-
Lucifer: Names
Chloe: What???
Lucifer: Tell me. their. names. I just wanna talk.
Lucifer *flexing*: Do you see these arms?
Lucifer: Wii Sports Resort
Chloe: Hey, how would you like your coffee?
Lucifer: As dark and bitter as my soul.
Chloe: one glass of milk coming up
Lucifer: *with his arm in the door of a vending machine* I’m the smartest, most skilled, engineer in this place.
Chloe: Are you stuck in that vending machine?
Lucifer: I paid for my Cool Ranch Puffs, I’m getting my Cool Ranch Puffs.
*Lucifer accidentally brushes Chloe’s hand with his own*
Chloe: *agressively holds Lucifer’s hand] Fucking commit to it!
Trixie: I refuse to eat the ghost broccoli
Chloe: It’s called cauliflower, now would you please just eat it???
Trixie *stabbing the offensive vegetable to scrutinise it*: No, I know what I’m seeing here. This is DEFINITELY a ghost broccoli
Lucifer: I don’t want to eat ghost broccoli, either
Trixie: Yeah, that’s just GROSS!
Chloe: It’S jUsT cAuLiFlOwER-
Chloe: Lucifer, I need some space.
Lucifer *tearing up*: Are- are you breaking up with me?
Chloe: No, Lucifer. I need some space on the damn bed. I’m falling off.
Lucifer: *hands Chloe a water bottle*
Chloe *drinking*: Thanks, but what's it for?
Lucifer: I heard from Ella that you get thirsty around me.
Chloe: *chokes on the water*
Chloe: *watching the news* Lucifer, have you heard? Somebody tried to fight a squid in the local aquarium!
Lucifer: *covered in ink* Well maybe the squid was being a dick.
[during a couples race]
Amenadiel: *carrying Linda bridal-style jogging a little and talking calmly with her*
Lucifer: *hurls past carrying Chloe over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes; they are both screaming*
Linda: So, what did we practice you would say to Chloe?
Lucifer: “Will you go out with me tomorrow night?”
Linda: and what did you say to Chloe?
Lucifer: I accidentally told her to suck my dick.
Linda: HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY TELL SOMEONE TO SUCK YOUR DICK?
Lucifer: I PANICKED!