Hey are you guys

1. A cat person or a dog person

2. A star wars person or a star trek person

So far the results seem supportive of my hypothesis, however it has reached so few star wars people that I do not consider it even close to confirmed.

all fanfiction is funnier and sexier and vastly better-written when you read it at three in the morning, in the dark, lying on your side, tucked into bed, with screen rotate turned off. that’s just how it works. that’s just facts.

THE HOBBIT/LORD OF THE RINGS illustrations by J.R.R. Tolkien himself.

Check, Please! Comic 4.25 - “FABER” is up on ⭐ checkpleasecomic.com  ⭐

HI I’M BACK ON TUMBLR JUST TO SCREAMCRY ABOUT THIS.

In unrelated news, Boromir is the only member of the fellowship of the ring that would have Valid Driver’s License in a Modern AU.

Sam has a Driver’s License but they drive on the other side of the road in Hobbiton so his isn’t valid in the rest of Middle Earth.

Frodo and Merry are Gays That Can Do Math, and therefore can’t Drive.

Pippin HAD a license but got it revoked due to Aggravated Shenanigans.

Gandalf CAN drive but is an insane paranoid hippie that hates both petrolum-based transportation and government paperwork.  He does have a pilot’s license though.  Don’t ask him to justify it unless you want a four-hour lecture on civil rights that sounds like it’s quoting law from another dimension.

Aragon can drive, quite well, but it never occured to him that he might need a license to do so on public roads.  He doesn’t know about taxes either.

Gimli travels frequently but as a diplomet and royal, never was the one in the driver’s seat.

Legolas can’t be trusted to operate a blender, much less a motor vehicle.  He will attempt to do so anyway.

I don’t know if you might’ve meant “taxis” in keeping with the driving theme but I am thoroughly and absolutely LOSING MY SHIT at the concept of Aragorn doesn’t know about taxes, Aragorn you’re gonna be king, Aragorn you’re supposed to know how to do these things, Aragorn this is THE MOST BASIC OF BASIC STATESMANSHIP.

And THE THING IS, I’m not certain it doesn’t also work canonically. Because like we can infer that Aragorn got most of his How To Be A King For Dummies lessons from the elves, and, well, do elves… have… taxes? It seems unlikely. (Do elves even have currency? There’s probably an answer to that one and I just don’t know it.) Somehow I can’t quite picture Galadriel going around Lothlorien like okay suckers pay up you’ve gotta pay a property tax on that tree you know.

So then he gets to Gondor and gets crowned and a few months later someone comes by and is like “how much are we taxing the peasants this year” and Aragorn panics and is just like “f…five? ……. too high? Too low?”

And I mean, who can blame the guy, he’s basically been wandering the wilderness for the majority of his life, it’s not like he’s ever really had personal property besides an improbable number of weapons, so he’s probably never, you know, paid taxes

Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Elessar, Isildur’s heir and rightful king of Gondor, is a tax dodger

You. You get this.

Like this is a Modern AU where Aragon becomes Mayor of a medium-sized mountain town*, but tbh this still holds in canonverse too imho.  the first like.  3 years of Aragon Having A Real Job For The First Time That Happens To Coincidentally Be A Political Position, is him listening to people making suggestions about “So what are we taxing the pesants?” and “What’s this years Budget?” and him Turning to Arwen, one of like 4 people in all of Middle-earth with any damn sense, and saying

“Hey Babe?  What’s a Budget?”

*In this AU The Riders of Rohan are a Biker Gang and Edoras is a really nice mom-and-pop convience store/bar/mechanic/tourist trap that’s been run by “King” Teddy’s family for as long as anyone can remember.

**I think i might have come up with a “Great Westen American Roadtrip LotR AU” 

Help.

***The Hobbits are Canadians.  I know canadians drive on the same side of the road but the Idea of Sam having an invalid lisence is hysterical.

****They found the ring in the idyllic Waterton-Galcier International peace Park/The Shire, over the border where nobody thought to look for it, and end up on a quest to take it to the hellish land of raging Monsters and unlivable condiiotns known as Mount Doom/ Phoenix Arizona.

The Prancing Pony is the Pie Place in St. Mary, Montan- IT’STWO IN THE GODDMAN MORING I KNOW AO3 GOT NOMINATED FOR A HUGO BUT I DO NOT NEED TO BE WRITING THIS RIGHT NOW.

i totally am, later, but like.  when the sun is out.

Elves basically invented feudalism in Middle Earth, but like. They’re so crazy long-lived it’d be easy for an elf to amass material wealth by just not being an utter dumbass, and plus they have magic so. Do the elf-kings actually NEED anything from their vassals other than the assurance that they’ll show up with a weapon when it’s time for the next attack on Literal Satan and his Black Castle of Evil?? Do elves need to levy taxes?

And even if they do, I bet Galadriel had to go through the exact same process Aragorn did in the post above, because SHE was born in the Undying Lands where life is beautiful all the time and the trees are somehow constantly both in flower AND bearing fruit at the same time, and nobody does any labor unless they like it.

And then just to make things even worse Galadriel learned rulership from Melian, who is a Literal Angel like Gandalf and ALSO pulled all kinds of magical bullshit on her elven husband’s kingdom. What I’m saying here is the first hundred years or so of Galadriel trying to rule on her own were A Very Rocky Time for Everybody.

Which is why she made sure her daughter and grandchildren got a firm grounding in stewardship and economic theory, so they’d never have to go through that embarrassment. And lucky she did too, or Gondor’s post-war recovery would’ve been completely FUCKED.

#aragorn: hey babe what’s a budget #arwen (already dragging him off to the bedroom): god estel you’re so fucking stupid DRAKE YOUR TAGS

well it’s 3 AM and I made coffee, and i think this Great Western Road trip AU has legs , so I did a bad overlay and discovered the Hobbits are NOT Canadians:

THEY’RE CALIFORNIANS.  I like this map becuase it puts the trip in some really fun places if you fudge the route a bit:

goddamit i’m actually going to have to write this thing now.

Have been to both Fallon, NV, and Lake Tahoe, I agree that Tahoe is a MUCH more Rivendelly kind of place. Actually I went to high school in that part of Nevada (well, the first two years anyway) and it fucking sucked. That part of the southwest is, indeed, Nazgul Country.

Hey, does this mean the Easterlings Sauron imported for the final battle are, in fact, Mormons? :D

so @gallusrostromegalus when do preorders open?

1. @mazarinedrake HOLY SHIT YES

2. @gaslightgallows uhhhhh… Well, I have pre-orders for the Family Lore Nonfiction Book out right now, but I was wondering what I was gonna do after those ship so I think I’m gonna do this.  So expect Pre-orders to open Late 2019/early 2020?

Other things from the Notes:

Thoughts for this AU:

“Aragorn is a Transguy and tried out like, a zillion names before settling on Aragorn, which is why everyone he meets calls him something different”

I’M HOWLING

As fun as the “we’re all Hugo nominees now” posts are, let us not forget that this nomination recognizes the founders and approximately 700 volunteers who work tirelessly to make Ao3 everything that it is. The folx doing the hard work of maintaining and running the site so we can all have a place to share and enjoy fic–that’s who’s nominated for a Hugo, and let’s not forget them.

Trying my hand at blackout poetry! Let me know what you think!

Firefly according to the Guide to Troubled Birds

My boys <3 

if you relate to having an idea for a story for 4 to 8 years with almost zero progress towards actually writing it down, clap your hands

This post kicked down my door, came into my house and publicly shamed me in front of God, my mother, and my cat.

Excuse you, it’s only been 2 years. 

*emphatically sips tea*

Is it good? No. Did it make me feel fuzzy and warm to do it? Yes.

I may clean it up later.

I probably won’t.

Waluigi and Forgettable 18th Century American President William Henry Harrison blinked.  "One room?!“ blustered Harrison.  "Surely you can find another!”  "Waugh,“ said Waluigi.

HOW TO INVENT EVERYTHING is the perfect gift this holiday season!  SO I CLAIM