.

the meaning of the word abuse often gets distorted & watered down, as most words do when people are chronically online. the way abuse looks is different for many situations, and it can be difficult to recognize until a huge amount of damage has already been done.

many abusers don't realize that they are abusive, or will ever admit to it, or own up to any mistakes or pain they inflict on others. abuse is a pattern of mistreatment and control.

a lot of examples given of abuse make it seem really cut-and-dry, like "they don't allow you to be Facebook friends with any males" where you're legitimately being told point blank that it's not allowed. abuse is often much more nuanced than that, and it makes it much harder for victims to recognize.

as far as the "not allowed to interact with certain people" goes, i had an ex boyfriend who told me i could spend time with whoever i wanted ... and then shot down each person i wanted to see in the name of "protection." i couldn't see my friends, because each one wanted to sleep with me and it made him uncomfortable - EVERY friend. i couldn't go to any party i brought up, because everyone there would want to rape me. he told me he was my protector, and maybe even believed it himself. he isn't the first person i've had do this to me, either. stripping you of your autonomy and isolating you is ABUSE, no matter the justification for it.

not allowing someone to leave an argument is abuse. again, there will be justification for it that makes the victim feel at fault. and the abuser will often legitimately believe that the victim IS at fault. this has happened to me, i heard the same shit my ex said word-for-word in the Depp v Heard case, along the lines of "you're refusing to communicate with me when you lock yourself in the bathroom trying to escape an argument." the bare minimum is allowing you to say 'i need a time out. i need space.' if they don't grant you space & continually violate your boundaries, this is ABUSE.

stalking is abuse. stalking has many forms. this can be tracking your phone without your consent or knowledge, gathering information about you by asking around, taking photos of you without your consent or knowledge, showing up at your place of work where they know they are not welcome. this is a violation of boundaries again. someone who violates your boundaries regularly is ABUSING you.

threats of suicide is abuse. it's one of the most dangerous signs that an abuser is about to escalate their behavior and possibly turn violent, or escalate the level of existing violence. of course it isn't abusive for someone to reach out to you for help when they are struggling. it's another thing entirely for them to *threaten* to commit suicide if you leave, or don't comply with their wishes. i tried to get them (this has happened to me twice) help, but they didn't accept professional help - the only thing that they wanted was my attention & approval. that behavior, not just being suicidal, is what is ABUSIVE.

them blaming you for their actions is abuse. it was my fault they attempted suicide, it was my fault he stabbed me, it was my fault that she drove 1,000 miles to my house without my knowledge or approval. it was my fault because my rejection made them feel bad. just because someone is hurting doesn't force them to act on their feelings. if they don't take responsibility for their actions and blame you, it's a sign of ABUSE.

what a lot of people don't understand is that many abusers aren't doing it consciously. they are severely mentally ill and suffering, and have a lack of boundaries. they believe that love should be 100% unconditional, including the acceptance of prolonged mistreatment. you have the right to leave a bad situation, and your own health should always come first.

if any of this sounds familiar to you, this is your sign that it's okay to leave. it is not bad to leave. you should make a plan to leave.

jess

You can view more here.

its hard to remember everything isn't hopeless but things like this, things that show we aren't too far gone, help. Our planet has a future

She is so lovely...

Honestly? I love this, this is great. This is my new favorite line to use when interacting with strangers online.

me and the coffee i pulled by being financially irresponsible

Did you know that the new iPhones have an automatic crop feature

Look At My Cat

one time a guy i know whose girlfriend was heavily pregnant didn’t tweet anything for a whole day so i texted him ‘congrats on your baby’ and made him think i had some kind of baby precognition 

like six months after that just after halloween i asked to see his son dressed as a ‘fat baby pumpkin’ and he was like ‘who told you’ and i said ‘no one. it’s halloween. you have a fat baby. he’s going to be a pumpkin’ 

bbc sherlock wants what i have

did you guys know that the hours continue to pass even if you aren’t using them well. I’ll let you know if I discover more

Landscapes.

sorry im busy today i have to go hang out with my friend who is a decaying log and my other friend who is a patch of milkweed and my other friend who is the sun

ADHD is a disability. I know this. Nobody else around me does. When I say I can’t do something, I don’t need tips, I don’t need encouragement, I need you to believe me. I need just one person to believe that I’m not lying when I say I am unable to do something because of my literal developmental disability. No more “just push through”, no more “try harder”, no more “I did it and you can too”, because I am absolutely sure that in this moment I am unable to fucking do it! Please believe me for once. Please.

Nikolay Sazhin