Disingenuous reviews

Just about any author will tell you bad reviews are part of the game. But what about when someone posts a review that's beyond just expressing an opinion? What if they seem to be attempting to connect your work with grossness (maybe just because they're a bigot)?

My most recent Amazon review for The Invisible Orientation gives the book one star and says "asexual" is another word for those simply obsessed with illegal porn.

Despite this gross person's review title being "lol," indicating that they think it's a big joke, people have been trying to say stuff like that about me, and asexuality in general, for a very long time. I once had to get a lawyer to stop someone from posting publicly that my sexuality was a cover-up for my ACTUAL attraction, which he stated baldly must be toward underage boys, and accused me of being a pedophile. On a page that had my full legal name on it.

So yeah. It's not funny or jokesy to suggest asexuality is fake and that those who describe themselves that way are criminals.

(Yes, I won the case.)

But you know what puzzles me way more than some clown posting that asexual people are criminal porn addicts? Disingenuous reviews.

I'll say straight up that I don't mind if someone dislikes my writing style or just doesn't vibe with my tone. I've gotten plenty of bad reviews that were very subjective and I am more than happy to leave them unbothered. They have that right. I don't care if they want to give me a bad review because they think I'm ugly, find my voice in my YouTube videos irritating, or are mad at me because I once gave the finger to their cat.

(For the record, I have never given the finger to anyone's cat.)

But one thing I've occasionally noticed is people criticizing the book for things it didn't do when it DID, or the opposite (criticizing it for containing things it did not contain). The latest review of my book on Goodreads has that issue several times, and it's just . . . weird. You know?

The reviewer begins by complaining that "the first chapter" has a tonal mismatch to the rest of the book.

It wasn't the first chapter. It was the introduction.

. . . It was an introduction. This is weird, right? It's not uncommon at all for books' very brief introductions to be different from the rest of the book, or to even have entirely different authors. And see, that wouldn't have bothered me much in itself, but then the review went on to QUOTE my book using sentences that literally were not in it. And nothing LIKE the supposed quotes is in it, either. For example:

The phrase "we simply don't have sex" does not appear in the book.

Nothing LIKE the phrase "we simply don't have sex" appears in the book.

I never said or implied in the book that asexual people don't have sex. I assure you this is not something I was ever confused about while writing this book. There is an entire sub-chapter (entitled Intimate and Sexual Activity) which opens with this:

Could the person have confused what I wrote with one of the quoted asexual contributors in the book who said they personally didn't like to have sex? Maybe. I don't know. But seeing this as an honest mistake rather than an intent to reframe what I said seems less likely when I get to this:

Really? This person believes my book excluded non-Americans and implied they were not asexual if they don't joke about cake?

Weird. In reality, the very short section of the book that talks about ace community symbols BEGINS with this:

The section then discusses jokes about amoebas, orientation shorthands, deck of cards terminology, the Kinsey scale, the flag, the ace ring, and yes, a mention of cake:

The phrases that this person said were so alienating--"Most asexuals joke about cake" and "many asexuals know this meme"--did not appear. I never used the word "meme" at all, and the above symbols were discussed in a four-page section that is almost entirely about terminology--not memes. It is VERY STRANGE to me that when I attempted to provide some examples of asexual community culture (and intentionally took care to open this section by saying this stuff is not universal), this person literally turned it around to claim "looks like this author believes you're not even asexual if you don't joke about cake."

Now why would someone go out of their way to put words in someone's mouth and misrepresent their position on important issues? Especially since the review went on to say how disappointed they were in the book because asexuality education is so important to them?

I don't know.

Maybe I gave the finger to their cat.

This episode of Modern Pleasure has an interview with me. It's a pretty broad discussion and it'll include some of the Greatest Hits (the usual "how did you figure out you were asexual" and "what did your family think" type questions) but also some nuanced stuff about if and when some asexual people have sex and what kinds of discrimination we might experience.

Lucy Meggeson, creator of Spinsterhood Reimagined podcast, had me on to talk about the similarities between being a perpetually single woman and being an aromantic asexual woman. A lot of it is asexuality basic education, and some of it is more nuanced discussion of experience, along with a lot of positivity.

An Ace Week Live event is scheduled on my YouTube channel on Friday at 7:30 PM Eastern. Come watch me talk about some cool examples of ace characters in fiction and we'll discuss the representation, and I'd love for attendees to bring their own examples and put them in the chat!

Sheila Das had me as a guest on the podcast Flow to talk about conversations surrounding asexuality.

My sisters did the New York Times Friday online crossword last night. The answer to the clue "Identity for someone who may prefer platonic relationships, informally" was "aro." Cool!

Had an interview for The Knot with Dina Cheney and unlike with a lot of the media experiences I've had, she just printed pretty much what I said and didn't try to boil it into something else or spin it as a message I never relayed. I was very happy with the balance between comprehensive, full answers and reasonable conciseness, and I appreciated that it didn't feel like the interview was conducted primarily to make a point counter to what I actually wanted to say. It didn't oversimplify but also didn't overcomplicate. It borrowed words from non-asexual experts but didn't do so to "both sides" my perspective.

I wouldn't say the article is "everything you need to know about asexuality" at all, but headlines are always like that. One of the few articles I've participated in that didn't make me feel like I needed to make clarifying statements afterwards to mitigate misleading uses of my answers.

We did it! Asexuality activist panel to celebrate Cody’s new book (it’s really good y’all). Now you can watch the replay if you weren’t able to attend. It was funny and informative and just a good time.

Cody (Ace Dad!) is doing a book panel in support of his new book I AM ACE and he invited me to be on it with another ace activist (Ashabi Owagboriaye). It’s today (March 6) at 7 Eastern/6 Central, and it’s virtual only. You can come in and hang out with us, watch us speak about ace activism and ace media, and possibly submit questions and topics! Sign up at Crowdcast for the event. I hope we’ll see you there.

Letters to an Asexual #100 submissions!

Hi folks who are still bothering to follow me!

My YouTube series Letters to an Asexual is hitting #100 this month so I thought I would do something a little different and ask for NICE letters. (I usually just read my hate mail, or conversations where I debunk misconceptions about asexuality or use ignorant comments to cover educational topics.)

You have two choices if you want to contribute: 

Option 1: Stories of Ace Joy

Tell me about something cool that’s asexuality-related in your life. Tell me about a time you came out and it was well received, or a good time you had with other ace people, or an affirming moment you had with seeing asexuality represented in fiction. Or just tell me something you really love about your asexual identity.

Option 2: That’s So Ace

Tell me a story about a time you were just ridiculously ace. You missed the sexual context of a comment when everyone else got it, or you said something hilariously stereotypically ace, or you had an experience where everyone else was relating to a sexual-attraction-related anecdote and you said “welp, too ace for this shit.” 

You can tell the stories in reblogs, message them to me privately, or send me e-mail at the address on my About Me page on this blog. Please note that if you do share any story here, I will interpret that as permission to read it in the video on YouTube. (If you only want it to be shared on Tumblr but do NOT want me to use it, just say that in your post and I’ll respect that.)

I am accepting submissions for this until February 25, 2023.

Here’s one of my stories of ace joy:

A friend I’d known for a long time was talking about their relationship and shared a comment about not finding movie stars attractive and not understanding why people have those “free pass” lists (presumably as a joke) because how could you find someone attractive if you didn’t even know them. In further discussion we discovered my friend completely fit the profile for demisexual and they were SO EXCITED to learn it was a thing. They suddenly had context for why they didn’t relate to certain things in their life and it made me so happy that this was a wonderful discovery for them.

Here’s one of my terminally ace stories:

I was having a Halloween party and a group of my friends arrived together. One of them was in a costume that was a sex joke (I won’t elaborate) and as a result he had the crotch of his pants stuffed to look like he had a giant penis. And I completely didn’t notice. Apparently the whole group was waiting for my reaction and I just kept not noticing until finally he got my attention and started thrusting his crotch. Finally I looked and I was like “Uh? Oh?” They all laughed and explained to me that it had finally gotten absurd that I hadn’t noticed the joke of the costume, and I said “Well, I guess I don’t really make a habit of looking at guys’ crotches!” His (male) roommate said, “When he came out of his room with that on my eyes went right to his crotch. What does that say about me?” (To be fair, he identified as bi, so . . . yeah.) And that is the story of how I did not even notice a giant fake penis.

Can’t wait to hear your stories!

Just because I’m not straight

You know, I may not be straight but that doesn’t mean I don’t, like . . . know stuff.

On Twitter lately I’ve found myself engaging in conversations about the female experience and SO MUCH of it is about being on the ass end of terrible treatment by men who are trying to have sex with you. I’m not straight and am not attracted to men! I’m NEVER interested in reciprocating their sexual interest! And yet . . . because I’m a woman who is pretty consistently assumed to want sexual attention from men, I still know an awful lot about what is expected of heterosexual women. I don’t have to be one to be mistaken for one or treated like one. (And routinely abused as one.)

There’s this common misconception that aces (especially aromantic aces) have no experience with relationships and don’t understand any of the dynamics--that we somehow completely nope out of all the “problems” associated with these relationships and therefore have very simple lives. I don’t have or want a relationship; that, for me, is personally true. So I don’t have the problems (or the joys) that go with typical companionship. 

You know what I do have, though?

The constant expectation that I should be behaving like a straight woman. That I necessarily expect things from men, want certain attention from men, depend on men for everything from my self esteem to my livelihood, and am categorically poorer in life satisfaction if I cannot interest a man. (Please note that many of these are myths men create about women so they can tell themselves “she’ll be sorry” stories and imagine them crying when they “hit the wall” and “Chad won’t be interested anymore” and “they’ll wish they married a nice guy like MEEE.” I am not saying most heterosexual women expect or want those things from men either.)

Despite not being part of the scene, I am regularly lumped in with said scene, and have been lectured by men literally hundreds of times about my obligation to provide sex, the expectation that I am tricking men or taking advantage of men, the assumption that I withhold sex for power or have sex to trap men, and the belief that I enjoy it if my attractiveness is torture for a man who can’t hold it as his. And because I have been yelled at about my sex habits by people who literally don’t know what they are SO MANY TIMES, I weirdly feel like I know enough to say “we” when talking about women who have these relationships.

In conversations on Twitter where I am discussing awful behavior with feminist-leaning people, I speak in solidarity with women who have been treated poorly in their sexual and romantic relationships even though I don’t seek those out. I know enough through being abused verbally (and only very occasionally physically) by men who feel entitled to my body that I recognize those threads every time a woman talks about her intimate relationship struggles with someone just like the ones that have hurt me. 

It’s frustrating sometimes that being a woman is expected to be synonymous with being a non-asexual, non-aromantic straight woman, but it’s equally frustrating that so many people assume aces and aros have no means by which to relate to this at all.

Nice sexuality you got there. Would be a shame if something happened to it

Well, it’s been a while since I had such a blatant “sex will change you” conversation. This just happened on Twitter. I was responding to a popular “trash takes” account where they were sharing an ignorant dude who believed women can’t be horny or experience sexual attraction until after a man chooses her and marries her, because women are created for men’s pleasure yada yada, the usual poisonous misogynistic purity narratives etc. 

I described my experience with this as an ace woman and someone wandered in to say actually it was true for her that a man turned her straight.

[Caption: @JulieSondra tweets “I’m an ace woman who’s also abstinent. The number of times I’ve been told that I just need my sexuality awakened by a guy Doing Sex To Me is unreal. I keep saying like no man, lust isn’t something you catch from someone and crave forever after. Dude, it’s not vampirism.” A blacked out Twitter user replies, “This was actually true for me though. Thought I was ace. Had sex with a guy. Became straight”]

Anyway. I looked at the person’s account and thought other tweets looked a little bit trollish at times, but it was possible this was a genuine take. So, hoping I could help distinguish “realizing you’re straight in an affirming atmosphere” from “a man turned me straight through sex,” I responded, and this exchange happened:

[Caption: @JulieSondra tweets: “For you, the option appeared and seemed appealing, and similar folks may change their minds on how to identify after having those experiences. And yet, people who had the opposite experience are also chiming in on this thread. Respecting people’s agency is the way to go.” A blacked out Twitter user replies, “I just think I didn’t realize how incredible the penis actually was. It’s such a powerful thing. It had the ability to change my ways.”]

It’s unclear whether this was intentionally incendiary trollish commentary or whether this is a real person who believes cis men can literally change women’s sexuality with their penises, but let’s talk about how harmful that idea is.

There is in fact no shame in realizing your sexuality isn’t what you thought it was, even if it includes a revelation that you’re straight after you thought you were queer. It’s also true that sometimes even when someone is not sexually attracted to men, they might enjoy sex with men, and that’s its own thing too (and includes many ace women who may or may not identify as hetero-something in combination with ace identity, while some others separate their interest in sex from their sexual orientation identity).

And yet, what this nasty person suggested sure as hell isn’t that.

What she is saying here is that penises are SO POWERFUL that they can be imposed on someone who doesn’t want them and change what a woman wants and needs.

That penises have the power to overwrite a woman’s opinions, needs, desires, and thoughts and replace them with a man’s, for the man’s benefit.

That women can THINK they know what they want all they want, but once a penis appears and a man either talks her into trying it out or forces it on her, she can and will be changed--and furthermore, that it is her role to be passive in this situation, since men are the ones who have REAL desires and women’s don’t matter since they can be overwritten through sex.

This idea isn’t new and obviously isn’t limited to affecting ace women who do not want to have sex. People in certain circles have been using it on straight women in committed relationships since antiquity to convince them that their duty is to allow their needs and opinions to be subsumed by whatever the man wants, and in queer circles as a virulent attitude to erase women’s queerness it’s absolutely endemic--men are always telling lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and other queer women that they can (and should) be changed into straight women through sex.

If I had to pick the Top Three ignorant comments that have been dumped on me as a female asexual activist and loud-n-proud ace woman, “you can’t know what you want until you try sex” would definitely be in there. And part of the reason it’s so dangerous--besides the fact that it exploits women’s expected submissiveness in some circles--is that there are aspects of the perspective that sound really reasonable. You’ve probably heard “you won’t even try sex?? But but but” compared with trying a sport, trying an entertainment experience, trying a food especially. You indeed can’t know if you like something until you try it! That makes sense! Sure! But. . . . 

Being asexual, or being any kind of queer sexuality, isn’t specifically about whether you like the sex experience with any specific other person or gender. It’s the name for an attraction experience. The attraction experience of “no.” And while some people feel led to experiment and may choose different labels after they find they do develop some sexual attraction after being comfortable with someone or being intimate, it’s super important that that is their choice. That it is not framed as something a stubborn person must have imposed on them for their own good. Agency is VITAL in what sexual and romantic interactions we experience. 

Framing sexuality as a malleable, potentially fluid aspect of a person’s self is fine as long as we recognize that the changes come from within and/or from accepting outside influences with consent. Framing sexuality as clay that someone else can and should mold--especially as a misogynistic expression of a man overwriting a woman’s desires with the power of his penis--is the very dangerous opposite of sexual agency.

Hi my Tumblr people, my local band is trying to get a YouTube off the ground and could use some subscribers so that eventually we can get a real handle instead of a bunch of letters and numbers. (That opportunity is available at 100 subscribers, and we’re short.)  

Check out our sampler. I sing a bunch of different stuff. :)

Letters FROM an Asexual

Just thought some of you might want to hear these messages tonight. This is me responding to some of the letters sent to me over the years, some more than 20 years ago, featuring overconfident oafs explaining my own probable brokenness and sadness to me . . . and me triumphing. (With some pretty good burns in there.) 

It feels pretty good to see jackasses be wrong about us. I hope this is inspiring to younger asexual people who might be worried that all the detractors are right.

They’re not.

Wayne is a good man needing a good woman with good friends and he is a good man, did I mention good. He hopes I am smart enough to be able to understand his phone number cleverly hidden in the message, and he is delighted to offer me a flirt based on the liking of my smile, while ignoring literally every sentence in my profile (not to mention being my father’s age). 

I won’t be texting him a “hollow back” and maybe he’ll live.