i see the appeal

• Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”
• Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
• I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!
• Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.

• This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
• One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”
• An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
• I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
• When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”

• I like vending machines ‘cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
• So I wish I could play little league now, I’d kick some fuckin’ ass.
• (talking about his drink) Look at all the limes in this goddamn thing! This fuckin’ thing is tropical! Look at the limes, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I’ll be water-skiing without a life preserver, people will say “What the fuck?” and I will pull out a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
• I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fishsticks in shit! That’s, that’s actually kind of gross, you know? After that joke, I always clarify that I’m just jokin’. I do not know how much tartar I actually have. I believe it’s the average amount. If we all took a tartar test right now, my name would be right in the fuckin’ middle.
• Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going “Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!” End ID]

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Fearful Netanyahu scrambles to prevent ICC arrest warrant: Report

An Israeli analyst said that the US is engaged in Israel’s efforts to block the ICC from issuing a warrant against the premier

The Cradle

The US is involved in a diplomatic effort to prevent the International Criminal Court (ICC) from issuing an arrest warrant against Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, according to Hebrew media reports. Haaretz analyst Amos Harel said on 28 April that Washington is “already” engaged in efforts to block the ICC warrant against Netanyahu. The prime minister is reportedly in a state of extreme anxiety over the matter. Israeli journalist Ben Caspit wrote that Netanyahu is “under unusual stress” over the possibility of an arrest warrant being issued against him by the UN tribunal at the Hague, adding that he is leading a “nonstop push over the telephone” to prevent it. Both Washington and Tel Aviv are not among the 124 states that signed the ICC Rome Statute of 1998, which established genocide as one of four major international crimes, along with war crimes, crimes against humanity, and crimes of aggression. Hebrew newspaper Maariv newspaper also reported that Netanyahu is fearful of the prospect of an ICC warrant against him. Sources close to the matter told the newspaper that Netanyahu has made an extensive number of phone calls to international leaders and officials, particularly US President Joe Biden, in an attempt to prevent the issuance of an arrest warrant against him and that the Israeli prime minister is indirectly trying to pressure Biden to act against the ICC. “Netanyahu realizes that the international arrest warrant could make him subject to prosecution and detainment, so he attempts to thwart its issuance daily,” the sources said. The sources also did not rule out the possibility that the recent shift in the Israeli position regarding a prisoner exchange and ceasefire deal, which now appears to be in favor of an agreement, is part of efforts to avoid the ICC warrant.