saw you in a dream.
🌸🎮 chigasaki itaru
summary: this was the one game itaru couldn’t win, no matter how many times he tried
notes: another song fic! this actually made me cry for a long time, even if it’s not as long as my other pieces. this holds a special place in my heart ♡ i am sorry
writer’s input: we all cope differently. whatever you do, i hope you’ll feel better ♡ this won’t be forever, you’ll see them again one day. this focuses on what happens you lose a loved one, and what being in between life and death feels like. enjoy~
music i listened to: saw you in a dream – the japanese house (i highly recommend listening while reading)
Itaru didn’t remember what happened after the incident. All he knew was it was so dark, he couldn’t hear your screams, and the wreck around him was gone. He couldn’t move, but there was no pain. It was like, this wasn’t real. Was any of this real? What made this possible? What happened?
Itaru tried to shake himself awake, but he already was. His eyes were open but he couldn’t see a thing. It was just, nothing. Everything was gone. You were right beside him before he... what did he do? Were you okay? Did something happen? It was like Itaru had no control over his own body, like he was just in a vessel. Was this his body to begin with? Maybe, it wasn’t his time anymore.
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Itaru couldn’t locate where any of his limbs were, what it felt like to be connected. He knew they were still attached, but it’s like all the nerves in his body were severed. Was he still inside his body? Who was he? Itaru wasn’t breathing, but he felt fine. There was nothing, and he was becoming nothing as well. It was just black. How long had he been here? Where were you?
Then, everything came back to him at once. The blackness split into fragments, pieces of his location overwhelming his vision. First, came a distant, blurry gloved hand pulling him away from something. It wore a fireman patch. Next, the load roar of an ambulance siren parked across from him. Then, Itaru could move his neck, he looked down, his car was flipped over. It was destroyed, the engine bursting into flames as a bright light overtook his senses. Finally, a stretcher. It was white, suddenly more figures were around him. Staring. Watching. Touching.
Itaru blinked. Once. Twice. Where was he?
Itaru closed his eyes. But, life wasn’t a game.
Itaru suddenly could breathe again. Itaru woke up with a start, sitting up as the oxygen mask on his face released a muffled gasp. The room was just as white as before, but the ground didn’t feel like it was moving anymore. Itaru moved to check his inventory, he must’ve played some game too long. But, the moment he tried to shift around, Itaru winced as he felt the tug of IV needles piercing his veins.
Itaru tried to pull the mask off, struggling as his vision went blurry again. He heard the door slam open and a rush of hurried conversations. Felt something push his chest back down to lie flat against the bed. A shot to his arm. Something that sounded like an apology.
TRIED TO KEEP MY EYES CLOSED,
THEN I AWOKE AND IT WAS SO SAD
Itaru was back into nothing. It was black again, and he couldn’t move his body. Back to square one, maybe he reset the game on accident. Maybe, this was the loading screen. Itaru wondered how he got out of it the first time. Was he lying down? Which position was he even in? Was this just his mind?
Part of the black parted, and Itaru couldn’t do anything as he watched the black curtains reveal a pixelated screen. Without warning, Itaru was sitting in the middle of his room. He was back. His clothes were messily thrown across the room. Empty packets of chips and crushed cans of energy drinks were piled in his trashcan. Multiple game titles were scattered around him as he sat, a controller in his hand. The screen was off, now.
It was a dream? Itaru stood up, about to leave, before a light came from the TV.
The countdown on the screen reached zero as the console powered to life. Then, a fade in to a cutscene. Itaru slowly sat back down, eyes never leaving the screen as he saw your smiling face. There you were, happily talking about whatever was on your mind in the passenger side of his car. Cutscene him was holding onto the wheel, giving back answers that made you laugh even louder. On screen, the headlights illuminated the road as he turned on the corner, about to say something before a bright light consumed the room.
Itaru felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Wait!” Itaru felt himself manifesting, forming, growing back into his body. He was becoming something, he had no place in the realm of nothing anymore. Itaru reached out for the mysterious person behind him, but he was gone.
Itaru opened his eyes to a white light, just like the one on screen.
HAVEN’T TALKED TO YOU IN MONTHS,
AND I THOUGHT I MIGHT CRY
BUT I’M NOT THAT KIND OF GUY
Itaru didn’t remember what happened. He stayed on schedule: doing physical therapy to get his legs back to walking (he was making a speedy recovery, apparently), eating hospital cafeteria food at the same time everyday (it was stale, he missed takeout), and staring at the white ceiling of his room, willing the light to come back.
Something happened, though. No one would tell him where you were, or why he was here in the first place. It’s been months since he last saw you... did the staff not allow visits between patients? Whenever he asked for you by name, they had no idea. It was like you input a different character name or something.
Itaru didn’t like this video game. It was too reptitive. The faces were too realistic. Everything about this simulation was breaking the fourth wall.
Characters didn’t call him Taruchi, the name he always put in when asked. They called him Chigasaki Itaru, his full name. He didn’t know why he put his entire name, he didn’t remember when he even did that. I guess anything for the immersion, right?
What day was it? What were his missions and goals? Did he have a list? Itaru glanced around his room to see if there were any options, but it was the same blank slate as always. Did you see this, too? Were you playing as well? Did you like the game?
Maybe, the purpose was to get his main character back to full health. His injuries were serious, it was lucky he could even walk again. Itaru tried to dig in his memory for the prologue, but came up with nothing. Just his dark room with a paused scene. How could he fully play the game if he didn’t understand what was going on?
That night, Itaru watched as his nurse gave him the sleeping pill again. It was like this for a while, Itaru thought maybe taking the drug would level him up or something. Itaru put the pill in his mouth and lodged it to the side, feeling accomplished when the nurse didn’t even bother checking since he always did. Maybe, he was going to advance to the next stage!
The lights switched off. Itaru closed his eyes. Then, a light flashed.
Itaru opened his eyes, seeing the same screen from months before. He was standing alone again in his room at the Mankai dorms, but it was perfectly clean and he was in the center of it all. The door was blocked off and the console was still on. Itaru stopped, looking down at his design this time. He wasn’t wearing his character’s usual hospital gown, but a familiar outfit.
Itaru didn’t press any buttons this time before the countdown began again, beeping every number until it reached zero. Itaru sat back down again to watch the cutscene before he saw a leather jacket out of the corner of the frame. Itaru compared the outfit on screen with his and proudly whispered a quick “yes!” under his breath. Him and the cutscene character had the same clothes, he was going somewhere!
Cutscene Itaru wore a leather jacket, vivid purple dress shirt, and black tie. His red eyes were somewhat focused on the empty street, and his smile was one for the ages. He looked, happy. Content. Like, this was the happiest moment of his life.
You appeared and Itaru wondered how the game producers designed the characters to look like you two so well. This time, Itaru could hear the audio from the scene as it repeated and rewinded, starting back at you talking.
“Come on, did we have to go out this late to buy some video game you could have pre-ordered?” You complained, but held a teasing smile as you jokingly punched Cutscene Itaru’s arm. He nudged you back, eyes glancing back at you with such love that Itaru didn’t know how they even managed to edit that in. It felt almost, real, in a way. Itaru had the urge to take off his jacket for a moment.
“First of all, it’s your favorite video game series. I wasn’t going to let you miss out on the experience of being the first in line for a release.” Cutscene Itaru reminded you, hearing your laugh out of frame as he tapped his fingers against the wheel. The scene changed its angle, going out to show the car driving in the dark. A subtitle appeared: 5 A.M.
“Secondly, I have an even bigger surprise waiting for you~” Cutscene Itaru teased as you smacked his arm again, impatient for whatever he was planning. Cutscene Itaru casually turned, about to come around on a corner before the scene paused at the same time it did last time.
Itaru groaned, rubbing his temples as he tried to find out what just happened. He leaned back into his beanbag, dropping the controller onto the ground with a thud as he felt a migraine coming on. It was like, he knew what was going to happen next but he didn’t know how to find out.
Itaru opened his eyes. The white light was blinding and his nurse was by his side with morning breakfast. He was back in the hospital.
A beat of silence then the same thin–lipped smile from before never left her face. Did she always do that?
I SAW YOU IN A DREAM, YOU CAME TO ME
YOU WERE THE SWEETEST APPARATION,
Itaru skipped his medication again. No one suspected a thing, he was doing something right. Itaru wanted to finish this game and get the hell out. It’s been so long, Itaru forgot when he started playing. What was it even called? Why’d he buy this stupid stimulation?
Itaru was in the same position as before, against his beanbag with the controller by his side. The screen was still loading, and the place was clean like before. But, the sheets weren’t made. The bed was obviously slept in. Itaru didn’t remember taking a rest in his room, was someone else here? The door was open a crack, Itaru went up to close it.
It was difficult, adjusting to a body with impaired legs. Itaru always wondered what happened to his character and if he would genuinely recover. It’s been such a long time, Itaru missed having a functional body. How many days of work has he missed? Where was everyone else? Didn’t they wonder what happened? What was he doing?
Itaru went to go sit back down, grunting since his legs weren’t what they used to be. Picking up the controller, Itaru furrowed his eyebrows as he stared at the buttons. There was only one blinking, the “A” button. Guess he couldn’t fight with what the developers wanted. Itaru pressed the button. The loading screen went away, the cutscene kept going.
You grinned, distracting him with your happiness as you rested your hand against his forearm. “A surprise?” You wondered out loud, and Cutscene Itaru nodded, mimicking closing his lips and throwing away the key. You said something about him being no fun. You leaned back into your seat, moving your hand up to his and holding it gently. Cutscene Itaru squeezed your hand back, clearly on cloud nine. He was about to open his mouth before the white light entered again.
“Shit! I can’t wake up now!” Itaru complained, shutting his eyes. But, he stayed the same. He was sitting in his bedroom before he heard a deafening crash and haunting scream from the speakers. Itaru warily opened his eyes, it looked like the scene was in reverse. Itaru saw a car flipped upside down. The engine caught on fire. The piercing cry of an ambulance siren ruined the stillness of the night. Someone was holding onto Cutscene Itaru, who was glassy–eyed and blank. He wasn’t breathing, but his hand was still in yours.
Then, Itaru saw you. You were tightly holding onto his hand even though there was so much blood. The scene was awful, but he couldn’t look away. Cutscene Itaru’s legs were bent out of shape, his skin was covered in scars. Itaru subconsciously ran his fingers across the scar around his calf, watching the same one on screen get made as Cutscene Itaru’s leg was stuck under the door.
You two were seperated, never to be seen together again. Itaru caught a glimpse of something glittering in the firefighter’s hands as he was reporting what happened to the police officer running out of his patrol car. It was... a ring. And it was that game you loved so much, he did pre–order it.
Then, everything came back all at once. He wanted to propose that night, pretend he was taking you to some video game store when he had a whole evening planned. He was going to gift you the game, surprise you and when you were about to say this evening couldn’t get any better, he was about to get down on one knee. It was going to be a night secluded on the mountains, a spot set up at the edge where you two could see the whole city. It was going to be perfect, you were going to say yes.
Itaru was going to marry you.
Before Itaru could do anything, the scene ended as an oxygen mask was shoved onto his face and his stretcher was inside the back of an ambulance.
Cutscene Itaru seemed to look directly into the camera, the same pair of eyes staring back into Itaru’s. They were the same person, that was him.
Someone sat down next to him, setting their chin on their knees as they pulled their legs up. They remained silent, looking forward at the finished cutscene. No credits, the game wasn’t done yet. Itaru couldn’t bring himself to see who it was, taking in a shaky breath before they placed their hand on his forearm. Then, his hand. He felt himself squeeze back.
“You have to end this game, Itaru.” You said.
Itaru closed his eyes, and he was back in his hospital room. The same nurse was sitting by his bedside, holding breakfast. She performed the same smile she was programmed to.
Itaru put his hands together, wanting to feel the last of your touch. His ring finger was empty and bare. He knew what happened now.
But, Itaru blinked. Once. Twice.
He looked around, seeing an unfamilar nurse. Where was he? Where were you?
THERE WAS NO REASON, NO EXPLANATION
THE PERFECT HALLUCINATION
Itaru was in a video game store, this time. He was in front of a display, hundreds of games at his disposal as he rapidly looked around. It was just him, alone again. Was this the final stage? He’s been playing for so long, he already unlocked the backstory. Itaru wanted to go home.
Reading the titles, Itaru flipped through them but none of it made any sense. They were just his name with the subheading, “Day #” with numbers going all the way up to 8,395. It didn’t make any sense, what kind of faulty game was this? Itaru left the stand, searching around the store but the rest of the games were the same. Itaru was about to give up before he noticed the same screen at the front counter, the same controller’s “A” button blinking.
Itaru went over and saw a disc was popped out. It was labelled: What Could Have Been. Itaru pushed it back in, and pressed the button. He felt like it was the end, he was reaching the conclusion. The last episode. As he was about to lean forward to watch, his head dropped. He closed his eyes, and suddenly he was on a mountain. It was night time. His legs didn’t hurt that bad; he felt younger, stronger, better. Who was he this time?
You came out of no where, staring at the city lights at night on a mountain cliff. The distant city seemed so small, like you two were on top of the world and urbanization was insignificant. The wind ruined your hair, but you looked so, dreamy. Itaru was breathless, confused, mesmerized, so many emotions at once. How were you here? Did he win the game? Was this it?
“I can’t believe I let you trick me! But, I can’t be too upset when I have the best game in the world!” You exclaimed, holding the game up in the air. Itaru couldn’t move, even though he had full control this time. What did he have to say? What was he supposed to do?
You sighed, looking out to the horizon again. You were so content, so happy, so real. You smiled, like everything was okay in the universe.
“Life can’t get any better than this.”
Itaru put his hand in his jacket pocket and felt something cold. Something metallic. Something, that was calling his name. Itaru slowly pulled it out, seeing a ring gripped tightly in his shaking fingers. This was it. The game wanted him to propose, this was what his character was meant to do.
But, he was too late. Suddenly, Itaru woke up and was back in the video game store. The “A” button still blinking. The screen loading. This time, you were standing behind the counter with the same clothes you had the day of the accident.
You didn’t look happy with him.
ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END,
BUT I THOUGHT THIS MIGHT LAST
BUT YOU CAME AND LEFT SO FAST
“Itaru, what are you doing?” You asked, but your tone was so sad, so exhausted, so tired. You looked like you’ve been here forever, like you wanted to leave. Itaru didn’t understand, were you here this entire time? Why couldn’t he save you?
“How...” Itaru started but you shook your head, holding your finger up as if you couldn’t bear to hear his voice. Itaru wanted to take your hand and tell you it was okay, but it wasn’t.
“Itaru, you have to stop playing this game. Finish the scene, and you’re done.” You ordered, your existence flickering like the overhead lights. You seemed translucent, like you were here and somewhere else. Where were you?
Itaru closed his eyes again and he was on the mountain. You said your lines just like before, holding the game up in the air as you smiled, gazing out at the horizon.
“Life can’t get better than this.”
Itaru pulled the ring out, knowing this was he was meant to do. How did the game know he wanted to propose? Why did it feel so real?
AND WHEN I’M AWAKE, I CAN’T SWITCH OFF
IT ISN’T THE SAME, BUT IT IS ENOUGH
Itaru was about to say your name, but he stopped himself. Itaru looked down at his clothes. He was wearing his hospital gown. He was older. He was the same person he is now. You looked at him, and you smiled even though the tears in your eyes were evident. You saw him.
This, this was enough. Itaru got down on one knee, on the verge of tears himself as he took in the sight of your face. Something told him, he’d never see you again after this.
Itaru held the ring out and you started crying, saying yes over and over again. He put it on your left ring finger and held your hand, squeezing it.
In the video game store, Itaru smiled as tears streamed down his face. This was the happiest he’s been in months. You were his partner for life. You said yes, you two were going to get married.
You watched him behind the desk, struggling to maintain your composure as you stared at the ring that appeared on your left ring finger. You knew you two couldn’t get married, at least, not in this game.
Your hand moved to the power button.
I WONDER IF YOU’LL COME AND VISIT ME AGAIN
YOU’RE TAKING YOUR TIME TO REAPPEAR
Itaru hugged you close, his arms holding you tightly as he breathed you in. This, was enough.
“I love you.” Itaru whispered, both in the scene and in the video game store. You paused, staring at the outlet and back to the love of your life.
“I love you, too.” You responded, holding his hand one last time.
I’M STARTING TO BELIEVE THAT WHEN I CALL YOUR NAME,
YOU JUST DON’T HEAR ME ANYMORE
AND I KNOW THAT I SHOULDN’T EVEN TRY
Itaru woke up. He remembered everything.
You stopped playing the game.
