day 3 uglyyyyy food

Day 2 - 1099 net

Didn’t take pics of dinner, but probably a good thing because it was just ugly sausages and a tortilla with fake meat on it, pretty uninspired. (shoulda meal prepped!) That zoodle pesto dish was also ugly but holy SHIT delicious. Got a lot of rush calls on work yesterday and had to do laundry so did not make it to the gym for my run, but will make yesterday my rest day and run every day the rest of this week to make up for it. Today’s another intense work day but hopefully I can keep my head above water this time.

Day 1 - 803 net

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh, I lied! I was gonna be consistent and then life got in the way. Posting “day one, day two, etc” used to help me be consistent in eating so I’m hoping I can be consistent in posting in the same way. I developed a little meal plan for the week that I’m really excited about: 2 easy peasy ~500 calorie meals, with room for snacks. Lowish carb but not insanely low carb, because I’m still training for this half marathon. (simple training plan too-this month I’m running an hour a day during the week, one rest day, and then a long ~10 mile run every weekend.) Just trying to keep things simple! I’ll probably meal prep today just to do it. And I’m gonna try to post again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next!!!!

we’re making another mooooooovieeeeeeeeee...................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 3 - Not a great day for food pics. Or consumption. I finally went grocery shopping today, so I’ll get it together! 

“Day 2″ Food Lawg

Not posting my fitbit thingy because I’m embarrassed by how bad I am at sleep. Ran a short 30 min yesterday, but mostly sat on my ass and worked from 10 to 3AM, with breaks in between to...sit on my ass and read. I very seriously overbooked myself this month, just need to work on a routine where I wake up super early to get my workout/ “me time” outta the way, then a couple hours to deal with the local clients waking up and wanting the world, then a break before the west coast clients wake up and want the world. Then time for a walk. And a hard “no work after 10PM” rule or something. Any and all tips on at-home productivity and boundary-setting, encouraged. 

Food yesterday was bacon and eggs, cauliflower rice and fake meat, and 2 lowcarb wraps with turkey by the evenin’ light...

Hola kittens! Turns out my dedication to this site depends on my dedication to photographing my food. I’ve been keeping a food log on a separate tumblr in the hopes of maybe making this one like...a video practice page/just way to check in on your lives, buuuuut I miss posting content and feel kind of disconnected. So I’m gonna try to post food pics+logs every day! Promise this isn’t an april fools prank...and also don’t expect anyone to give a shit, but if nothing else it’s nice to have a regimen. 

I’m still training for a half marathon in May, and started eating some meat again yesterday in an effort to trim down for incoming summer with some April low-carbing. I fell out of favor with it back in February for anxiety-related reasons, been trying to tune into my body better, but I’m overloaded with work right now and could just use more ugly+small dose, filling foods!.(yesterday was eggs and bacon, caesar salad, tuna and burnt flaxseed crackers, protein waffle. today will probably be identical.) Also I don’t want my other foodstuff to feel like a secret/I had some pretty good meals this year, so some of my November-March entries can be found here: https://friednerdvoid.tumblr.com a lot of the entries are still private because i used so much of this as a personal/sobriety/body image  journal too - but I think there’s still some good mealz on there....

@meishafindingbalance thank you for the tag! I took a six (!) hour walk in this beautiful weather so my happy is similar to your happy. (here’s brooklyn’s eastern parkway going west in the morning and east in the evening.)

monday! i want to make more of these/get better at filming when nothing much happens.

Sup, biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitcheeeeeeeeeeeeeees!

My long social media hiatus is finally over! I reinstalled facebook, reinstalled IG, and now moooooost impooooortantly - logged back into this beloved website. I’ve occasionally haunted the posts of those of you I care about on here, but then that started feeling kind of weird and...unfair? so I stopped for awhile and cannot wait, cannot wait! to catch up on your lives. I don’t have any nice photos of me to remind you of how stunning I am, but I do have this video of me trying to fuck up Ben’s peaceful, snowy shot last night and accidentally succeeding just BEAUTIFULLY. 

A lot of good shit has happened to me in the last couple of months, and some not so good shit too. Not so good: I’m still struggling with alcohol, and now snortables too that I’m keeping an eye on but am still worried about. My mentor died. I am a workaholic that can’t say no or draw boundaries with employers, so I’m working my nervous system to the bone on a near-daily basis and have no circadian rhythm. I’m angrier, don’t know if it’s the lifestyle or working way too hard or just being in the city. Speaking of the city, my parents are moving to Brooklyn (!) next week, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it is a HUGE life change that I’m a little worried about. (I haven’t lived in the same city as my parents in 13 years or so and they will be 15 minutes away.) Good stuff: I got my dream job back, I went one month (!!!) without drinking, I found a tattoo artist I love and am hoping to finally get a sleeve this summer, I signed up for both a half marathon and a weeklong bike journey across Missouri (?) that’s happening in October. I’m trying not to hate my body and face so much, really trying with moments of success. I’ve been making a lot of music! My 6 year anniversary with Ben is next week and our relationship’s neva been betta. I’m taking Chinese classes again and am amazed at how much is coming back from my childhood. My best friend is breaking up with someone who has been driving us apart. After months of not being able to hang out with him we might be going on a trip together. I officially told nightmare boss that I’m never coming back. I’m editing for a documentary that’s gonna do well, I can tell. I’m feeling weird about giving details about this, but the filmmaker is a Parisian descendent of a really famous artist who has a museum named after him on the upper east side.....good clues? exciting shit. he drives me nuts but it’s cool to be making something that’ll be something. I have health insurance this year! Duck’s still cute. I’m co-producing a horror burlesque night this summer! Haven’t decided if I’ll return to performing or not, but good incentive to lose weight. And a necessary creative/wildchild outlet! Maybe I’ll convince @zerocarb​ to get naked and cover herself in pentagrams for cash money if I start greasing the wheels now...........;) ? ;) ? ;) ???? eh, eh???

Here I come! Thanks for hopefully forgiving me for going away to work on myself and thus missing out on so many things!!!! Aaaah I’m so excited to catch up. Love you guys.

hey hey

just wanted to post so you know i’m still alive (though most of us are connected on other social media platforms) i’m not sure if and when i’m gonna come back to tumblr but my goal is by my birthday (nov 11th) kinda depending on where my head’s at/whether this post re-ignites my addiction to this site. i’m also on call to pick up some footage so if i post this and don’t comment on your stuff i’m sorry-going to try to make the rounds! but this may just be a selfish drop-in.

i had a big, dramatic change in my worklife last month and it felt so much more personal than the average work change, mostly because you all know how much i love my job and my coworkers and had been so lucky to find a job in the arts with little to no egos, a steady paycheck, and the ability to work from home. in a 24 hour period they basically let everyone go, and my old satanic nightmare boss called me that very day and asked me to come back and for a HOT second it seemed like my only option. it was like that scene in texas chainsaw massacre where the girl finally staggers away and onto a road, frantically waves down a passing car, gets in, and the driver’s like, “let’s go to my brother’s house to use his phone and call for help!” but the car is headed right back to leatherface’s house because it’s leatherface’s brother and she’s like NO NO NOOO DON’T GO THERE I JUST ESCAPED not to be toooo dramatic or anything, haha. anyway two weeks after they let everyone go i got a call that they were dropping their entire new york post production staff as well, but wanted to know if they could keep me. which is crazy. it’s different work with no one around, and i feel kind of like a traitor/haven’t told anyone that i still have the job...but i still have work and have gathered enough freelance stuff to feel like i can handle this if and when this doesn’t end up working out. (knock on wood.) i’m actually in new jersey right now for the first time in months. it feels very weird and lonely, but still such a relief to be back after thinking i never would get to be.

also kind of leveled with myself about a couple things. namely, i don’t think tumblr is as healthy for me as i always thought it was. and/or, i am not as healthy as i thought i was. i blather on a lot about my triumphs in the recovery world, but i still have a nasty case of, for lack of a better term, fat-hate. it’s really gross and makes me a bad person and also a very sad person, because i ultimately look at my own body with such disgust+scorn and photographing almost every single meal for the last 1.5 years has not gotten me anywhere, really. just this vague sense of doing-something-about-it, and maybe (i’m still working all of this out and i’m sorry if it sounds horrible) maybe just feeling like i’m achieving something just by being thinner than the average person-on-tumblr, without making any progress whatsoever. and maybe that’s why i liked it so much. (and maybe even losing progress because i’m drinking SO much while patting myself on the back for constantly making, photographing, and eating “clean.”) i think all this fixation on body types+food has not been good and living in this fantasy dream world where i feel like i’m thin+making progress daily has been so counter-productive in “the real world” and in my recovery process. (and it’s still a process: I had a bad fucking relapse the likes of which i haven’t had in yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears that concluded with an alcohol bender that even scared me. i think the texas chainsaw analogy works for this situation, too. my brain just halved and all of a sudden that bitch was back with a vengeance as if she never left. and i was thrilled! brains are crazy.) i’m kind of unsteadily getting back on my feet, and it just doesn’t feel like the best time to be concentrating on anything but being well and working hard, and stuff. (oh, also: i stopped eating meat finally. seriously leveled with myself on how much i HATE doing that, and i feel a lot better finally dropping it. i’m not photographing my food anymore but if i did it’d basically be all egg whites, avocado and mushrooms. so consider yourself lucky: it is very boring.)

anyway there you have it. may be back as a non-fitblr eventually. may be back as a fitblr but i guess not. i’m still trying to lose weight (and am actually doing a better job while NOT on tumblr go fucking figure) but i think the community aspect of it is just not productive for a brain like mine, and why would it be? i feel lighter just finally acknowledging that. so win-win! i hope to leave you a comment soon but if i dont i apologiiiiiize

accurate depiction of how life is going right now

meal 1: tuna and light mayo. i’ve been kinda anxious all day re:work stuff but excited to go chow down with zero right now!!

Meal 3: cauliflower rice cookes in vegetable broth+shrimp. I ran on the treadmill for 80 minutes! I really wanted to hit 9 miles today but I left too late and the gym closed before I finished. Gotta work on that.

Melas 1 and 2: sorry so hasty. It’s been a really sad, weird day that I don’t have a lot of confirmed information on. Basically the talent portion of the video company I work for was just the target/catalyst/source of some pretty major controversy in the field she works in and my job - all of our jobs - are sounding pretty touch and go. (the controversy is pretty damning.) This came out of NOWHERE! This feels like a movie or something, in the same way that I got this dream job right when I was let go from the nightmare job - I was just saying, always, that this job couldn’t be better for me and now, this. Of all things! AND nightmare job contacted me yesterday and asked if I could come in for two weeks. I did some real soul-searching on that one, but I did say no in the end. I can’t do that to myself again. I’m done being on their roster even if I might desperately need the money, very soon.

Bummer, man. Working in a creative field it has been a dream come true to get to work mostly from home, design most of my own hours, AND have a consistent paycheck. There are a lot of rumors flying around but for now I think they’re gonna announce what happens next on Thursday. Until then, I have a random new gig lined up for tomorrow and (as always) I feel so much impostor syndromeyness and miserable insecurity that I know I just need to power through, go for a long run, relax. Need to prove to myself that I can handle stuff “on my own” if I need to. Argh.

For both meals: 564 calories / 10 carbs