Well its been fun on this blog but its time to move on from the jared/joker realm for me. While i still love my freak babes i just don’t have the inspiration to write them anymore. 

I do have hello baby queued from ch. 13 and on for any stragglers but everything else is deleted.

I am still writing and should have a piece out soon if you want that blog message me, but know it is much different than this one. Apologies to the people I’ve up and left, I’m a shit human and i know this but I’ve had some super shit few months and i needed… something new. Ill check this blog for the next few days for messages but once its done, its done. 

Thank you for all the love and support though. Some of you have truly changed my life.

also, don’t give up. whoever is struggling, depressed, anxious, ready to quit and give in to those lines drawn deep in our minds, don’t. Please reach out, ill give you me new blog or a hotline but please stay with us and stay alive. I love you guys.

Hello, baby - Alternate Ending

My body aches as I heave into the toilet time and time again. My mind thinking of the positive test that Jackie has hiding some where.  J still isn’t back from his meeting but I can’t figure out what to do next. Jackie walks back into the bathroom, “Whats the plan dear? Is there anything you want me to do?” She comes and rubs her hand on my back. I sit up and lean against the wall next to the toilet and rest my head back, “I don’t know. I, I have no clue.” I look at her and she has taken a seat next to me, “Should I leave? Do you think that will make it easier?”  She lets out a sigh and places her hand on my knee, “I really don’t think that is best, but this is your decision sweetie. I can’t tell you what to do, but I think he deserves to know.”  She sits there with me as time passes and my stomach settles. I don’t even know how to tell him, what would I even say. I let out a deep sigh thinking of his reactions.  We hear the door open and jackie is quick to her feet and helps me up as well, I grab a cap full of mouthwash and swish it around quickly. I make my way to the bed and shuffle the sheets like I have been sleeping, Jackie picks up the tray that she brought up earlier and walks out the bedroom door like nothing happened.  “How is she?” I hear his voice ring from the stairs.

“I believe she is feeling better, Mr. J.” the sound of her footsteps disappear and the sound of his grow louder.

“Ahhh, my darling baby girl. How are ya feeling?” He walks over to my bedside and places his hand on my forehead. 

“Im feeling better. I think it was just the stomach flu or something.” I examine him, I missed him. He has a few drops on blood on his chest and a sick feeling comes over me. How can we bring a child into this world, into our world. I run my finger over the dried drops, “Missed a spot.” 

“I always try to clean up for you Doll.” He laughs walking into the bathroom. He returns and his shirt is off and he cleaned up what was left of another mans blood. 

I must of been staring at him, my eyes hazed over just lost in my own thoughts of a small child hugging their father and blood transferring onto their cheek. 

“You alright doll?” He looks at me confused and breaks me from my own horror story. 

“Yeah, yeah Im fine.” i force a smile at him, it quickly fades and i bite my lip.  I can feel his eyes on me, he knows something is wrong.  I look at him briefly but his hard glare is too much to handle, i glance down.

“What?” He asks sternly.

“Nothing.” I get up and try to walk out of the bedroom. 

“What is it!” He grabs my arm and turns me to face him and slams my back against the door.

“It’s nothing baby.” I try to convince him and reach my hand up to his face, i rub my thumb against his cheekbone, “I just missed you daddy.” I pull his face to mine softly, bringing our lips together.  He kisses back, his hands that were fists on the sides of me have now turned to open hands, he presses himself against me.

“You know exactly what daddy wants.” He purrs and picks me up and my legs wrap around his waist.

He lays me back on the bed and I keep my legs around him holding him close to me as our tongues fight. For me, this is the most emotional support im going to get from J, i take advantage of the soft touches he gives me in these moments. His hands caressing my sides as he slides my shirt off, he brushes my hair out if my face as he kisses me, he runs his hand down my thigh pushing my shorts and underwear off, i moan in his mouth and he bites my lip as he pulls away. He buries his face in my neck and grazes his teeth against my collarbone, his rough silver grille gives small tears in my skin and i moan, he kisses over the marks he just left and gives a strong bite on my shoulder, I wrap my legs around him tighter, bringing him closer to me. I wrap my arms around his neck and he stands up with me wrapped around him. He undoes his pants with one hand and he walks to the nearest empty wall and pushes me against it. I loosen my legs around his waist and he has his hands gripping my thighs. I can feel the tip of him. “Daddy, please.” I moan and lean my head against the wall. “What baby girl, tell daddy what you want.” He lifts his hips so I feel more of him, he growls and kisses my neck. “I want you, daddy! I want you to fuck me.” I moan as he starts to nibble on my flesh. He lifts his hips and thrusts inside me, i let out a scream of pleasure.  he has me pinned against the wall with my hands over my head and my legs and wrapped around his waist as his force increases, he is breathing hard and my chest is rising and falling with his.  “Daddy! Don’t stop!” I moan out. His mouth covers mine and he keeps the rhythm going. Its like fire is running through us, he feels so different but maybe thats because Im a little more emotional right now. Even his rough touch feels comforting, the ecstasy between us is intense.  Every moan he makes brings me closer to the edge, he picks up the pace and he lets my hands go and i dig into his back, he has his arms wrapped around me, holding me in place.  “Daddy!” I moan out again. “No!” He lets out a grunt, “Not yet baby girl.” He growls at me. I bite my lip and bring his face to mine and his kiss him, our kiss is in and out between the heavy breathing coming from us, but our lips meet again after each breath.  His thrust and hard and fast and he is hitting my spot, I moan loud and run my fingers up the back of his hair. “Please daddy, let me!” I moan, i beg. He slows down and he pushed himself deep inside me, i scream his name. “Fuck, now baby.” He lets out a loud, deep moan. Feeling him release has me thrown over and I let out a loud moan as well. My arms fall weak around him and his shoulders give off a tremble as he pulls out of me. He picks me up and sets me on the bed. I scoot to my side and curl under the sheets with my back facing him. I hear him shuffling around and sliding on new boxers, he gets in bed next to me and brings me close to him. I almost don’t want him holding me, it feels like something i know its not. We stay there for a few moments, his thumb running down my arm as he keeps me in a tight embrace.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” I whisper, gently pulling his arms off me. Keeping this secret from him is making me feel sick.

“What are you talking about?” He sits up on his elbows looking at the back of me.

“This, pulling me close to you, I know you don’t like it, I know you do it for me. Its like your way of showing you love m…” I don’t get to finish.

He gets up and walks out of the bedroom door and slams it on his way out.

“Shit.” I can feel my emotions start to take over, my heart feels heavy, tears start forming. I stay curled up and I can’t hold back crying now, soaking the pillow. The crying turns to sobbing and I have to sit up from my chest hurting, i lean my head back and I can’t seem to get ahold of myself, my sobs are loud, hiccuping for air.  J walks back in, slowly opening the door and watching me, he closes it behind him and comes back into bed. He sits up next to me and brings me close to him. My head resting on his chest and my legs are curled up on the side of him. 

“You know this darling. You have always known. I can’t love you.” He lets out a sigh and pets my head, smoothing my hair, “Don’t make this mistake again.” He cares for me and he needs me, why can’t that be enough. My sobs become soft, “I, we need.” and I sit up and look at him, I let him really look at me, his eyes stare deep into mine and I feel him growing impatient but I can’t finish the sentence. 

“What is going on!” He demands, his hands hold my face, keeping his stare. 

“I love you.” I rip my face away. I walk into the closet and throw on a robe and leave the bedroom with the door open. I walk downstairs and open the door to the backyard and sit on the bench. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths.

“Why me, why, why, why. How can I be so stupid. How could I let this happen.” Im mumbling the words under my breath. 

“Let what happen?” Lucas comes and takes a seat by me.

I lift my head up and look at him, i wrap my arms around him and squeeze him tight, he doesn’t return the hug due to J being home and I understand. I sit back and he gives me a worried look. 

“Whats going on Kat?” He leans close and whispers.

“Lucas, can you promise to keep this between us?” I keep my eyes focused on the door making sure no one is coming.

He nods, “Yeah Kat, just tell me, everything is ok, right?”

I bite my lip, “I’m pregnant.” It escapes me with a sigh of relief.

His eyes open wide, and he scoots back from me, “What!” His voice is loud.

“Lucas! Shh! Please!” My voice is a loud whisper.

“Sorry, does he know?” He questions leaning back into the conversation.

“No, I plan on telling him I just don’t know when. Please don’t say a word!” My voice shakes realizing I just said it out loud.

“I won’t say a thing Kat.” He pats me on the knee.

“I, I shouldn’t have told you. He needs to be the first to know. Im sorry.” I get up quickly and walk inside. I need to clear my head, I head upstairs to take a shower. I walk into the bedroom and J is sitting on the edge of the bed with his face buried in his hands. There is a hole punched in the wall across from him. I pit settles in my stomach. 

“J?” I try to get his attention, he doesn’t respond. I walk a few steps closer, “J?” I say a little louder.

“What?” His voice full of rage. 

“Whats wrong?” I walks over to him and kneel down, resting my hand on his knee.

He looks at me for a few second and then back hands me. His rings cut my cheek and I fall to the floor. I don’t have the energy to fight him right now, I just lay there with my face pressed against the cool marble floors.

“The fucking games. Why won’t you just tell me what is going on!” He sighs, he gets up and steps over me and walks out of the bedroom, leaving the door open.

I stay there and close my eyes. I put my hand on my stomach, “We will be ok.” I whisper to myself.

I get myself up and decide to go face him. I know he has these mood swings but I am having my own right now to. I also know there is never going to be a good time to give him this kind of news. I see Jay and Lucas standing by the office door so I know where he is. I quickly change into some every day clothing and walk quickly to the office door.

“Who is in there?” I look at Jay for an answer. 

“Just him.” He gives me a nod to enter. I push the door open and he jumps to his feet.  “What are you doing?” He gets up quickly and starts walking towards me.

“Sit the fuck down.” I order him.

His eyes are open wide at me and he lets out a little laugh as he takes a seat. I push his chair away from the desk and hop up and sit on the edge facing him.

“How can I help you darling?” He reaches his hand to run up my thigh, I know this game.  He wants me to forgive him for hitting me, but he knows me. 

I slap him as hard as I can, he turns his face toward me and a huge smile appears on his face. ‘That’s a good way to get his attention Kat. Great Job.’ I didn’t mean to hit him that hard. I left a hand print on his face.

“Doesn’t feel good does it?” I bite my lip, knowing things are about to get messy.

He stands up and walks up to me, I don’t flinch. “You have no…” I push him back giving me enough room to kick my foot out and land it in his stomach. He stumbles backwards and lets out a groan. I quickly stand up and run to the other side of the desk, “I need to talk to you.” My breaths are heavy.

“And you thought this was the best way to have a discussion?” He stands up and walks over to me. 

I stumble backwards and fall, J is quick to take over and sits on top of me, straddling me and pinning my arms above my head. His face is close to mine as he leans in.

“Now, what comes out of your mouth now will decide what happens next.” He has his lips my by ear, “Proceed darling.” He leans back to he can look at me.

I wiggle under his grip trying to get free but he is in full control. I stop and look into his eyes, I can feel mine watering. My heart is beating fast and I feel like I am going to vomit again.  He expression changes from angry to concerned, he lets go of my hands and leans back, still straddling me. 

“What is it? Are you ok? I need you to answer me Kat and if you lie…” He was going off on a tangent.

“Im pregnant.” A sob leaves me. I cover my face with my hands as i begin to sob uncontrollably. I can’t even force myself to look at him. I let out a frustrated scream into my hands and the tears have no intention on stopping soon. I feel him get up off me and I just continue to lay there, I can hear him pacing the floor and breathing heavy. Minutes go by as I lay there and my tears finally dry and a headache sets in.

“Get out.” His voice was low, he opens the office door to let me out.

I stayed on the floor a few seconds longer, trying to gain some composure.

“Get out!” He yells and his voice rings through the house.

I get up slowly, everything feels heavy. I wipe my cheeks, a few tears roll down, I look at him as I walk out of the door, his face twisted with pain. 

“Out of the house.” He growls at me as I walk past him. 

“J.” Im taking in quick breaths, “Please can we..”

“Get out, now.” He closes the door as soon as I step on the other side.

I stand outside the door, staring at it like I might be able to see through it, see what he is doing. 

I slowly  start walking towards the stairs, my eyes wonder into the bedroom, the things that just took place in there and that have many times, the conversations we have had that brought me so close to him, the touches that would send sensations through my body, the comfort he brought me, the feeling of his cool skin turning warm as he held me against him. The emotions that ran through this room seem to be crumbling the longer I stare at it. I make my way downstairs and don’t say anything to anyone, for fear of another break down. I open the front door and look back at his office, the doors still closed.  Lucas gives me a pitiful look and I know he wants to come and stop me, but he also knows that could cost him his life. I hold my finger to my lips telling Lucas not to say anything about me being kicked out. I fear for Jackie’s life when she does find out. I close the door behind me.

I walk down the driveway, I go left and walk a few blocks away from the house, I have no idea where to go, my mind has a thick layer of fog around it. I sit on the sidewalk, I can still see the house in a close distance, I curl my knees to my chest and put my face in my hands. Its a soft cry comes and I don’t try and stop it.  I sit there and think of the future, fear finally sets in.  Raising The Jokers child, what will it be like, was J always troubled? Being a mom, a single mom. Wondering how will I do this alone. What if he has me killed?     I can feel the cracks in my heart start to form. I can’t sit here any longer, I groan as I get up and start walking further from the house. His house. My thoughts are scattered and  haven’t been paying attention to where I was walking to. Night is starting to fall and I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. I still haven’t heard from J or anyone for that matter, no one checking in or making sure I am even alive. I have no wallet, no money, no food, no clothes. I curl up in the corner of an alley, I’ve walked far enough for the night. I know this isn’t the safest place but my mind isn’t completely clear and this seems like my best choice right now.

A few small drops of water land on the back of my head. I look up and thunder cracks and instantly the rain water pours over me. The water is warm and I let out a smile. It’s almost a comforting feeling, like a shower. I stand up and walk back out on the sidewalk, I take a deep breath before tossing my head back and opening my arm as to embrace Mother Nature and all her glory.

People walking by stare and I don’t even give them a glance. I stand there for a few moments with my head back and my arms out, I start to laugh. I spin around and laugh as the rain soaks through my clothes and my hair. The rain seemed calm compared to how my life had been going and I capture the feeling. I let my arms down and just smile into the sky as the rain washes away evert last tear.

I wrap my arms around myself, “We are going to be just fine.” I whisper. 

-J-

I hear the door close and crumble to the ground. Thats it. She’s gone.  I can’t deny the feeling in my chest, making me more uncomfortable by the second. Its a wretched feeling.  I pull myself up and put on the purple coat hanging by the door, I open up the office door and Lucas and Jay shift in their spots. I walk to the railing of the stairs and look down at the front door. 

“I need to find her.” I walk down the stairs quickly and rush out the door. I don’t try to keep the rain off me, I just know this pain won’t go away till I see her again. I get in the passenger seat of the first car i see.  Jay was quick to follow and get in the drivers seat, he speeds off.

Hours have passed and a glimpse if the sun is peaking though, I see a curled up figure in an alley. I know its her.

“Stop!” The car comes to a halt. I quickly open the door and scream her name.

She doesn’t hear me. I tell Jay to go ahead and walk a little closer. She is curled up with her head back and her eyes closed, smiling.  Such madness runs though something so calm at times, how could i even contain it. Contain her. I want to run m fingers against her smooth skin, wrap my arms around her shivering body, bring her home. She looks peaceful though. For a few seconds I forgot the whole reason this came about.  “Kat.” I walk closer and her eyes shoot up at me.

-Kat-

Im sitting there curled up in the alley trying to keep warm, thinking of the good times with J. A smile creeps across my face. I tune out all the noise and try to picture raising a child with him. I laugh a little.I try to imagine him rocking a baby to sleep, feeding it, bathing it, loving it.

Im taken away from the happy images by my name. I look towards the voice and it’s J. I scoot back out of surprise. He kneels down by me. Our eyes meet and both of us are speechless for what feels like forever.

He breaks it, “We can’t.” He loos away.

I give him a smirk, “No, you can’t.”

HIs face goes soft, “Kat, I..”

I cut him off, “No, its not that you can’t, it’s that you won’t. Are you fucking bat shit crazy? Absolutely. Are incapable of love? I really just think thats a lie you have been told and tell yourself now. You don’t want people too close.” I sit up on my knees to meet his level, “You think I am going to intentionally hurt you, like I want to see you suffer. I have loved you through everything J. I will continue to love you.” 

He stands up and backs up a few steps, the rain is falling hard and it feels like I have to yell to be heard. I stand up and get close to him again.

“Every up and down I have had with you made me stronger, as a person. I don’t want to go back to a mundane life, but I will if I have to. I will say goodbye to you for the last time right now J, all you have to do is make a decision.” I grab his arm and place his hand on my stomach. 

He doesn’t say anything, he just look at me. He slowly takes a step closer to me and pulls me close. He kisses me. 

Both of us soaking wet, rain drop welcome themselves into our mouths as the kiss grows. His hands reach around me and he pulls me close to him, but he break the kiss and my body temperature was just starting to warm up.  He eyes stare right into mine. I bite my lip, nervous of his decision. He leans in close, his lips near my ear, I close my eyes.

“I’d do anything for you.” He whispers.

Somehow I missed the alternate ending! Loved this ending too! 💜💚

Hello, baby. Part 19

I wake up in a cold sweat. I’ve been tossing and turning all night. I groan as I hear J walk in while he’s on the phone “What do you mean? He’s scared? She’s fucking sick! Find a fucking doctor before I make my own house visit.”  He hangs up and comes over to my side, I feel his cold hand against my face “Fuck.” He sighs “You still have a fever.” 

He gets up and goes into the bathroom. I curl under the sheets more, Im freezing. He comes back with a wet wash cloth and he had let cold water run on it, he places it on my forehead. I give him an upset look, “I’m freezing!” I try pulling away. 

“You actually are burning doll.” He laughs and pulls me towards him and puts the cold rag back on my skin.   His phone rings, “Do not take that off.” He shoots me a look and get up and walks out of the bedroom door. 

I stay in bed, I don’t think I can get up even if i wanted to. ‘I’m pretty sure he is overreacting to all this, it’s probably just a cold.’ 

I barley close my eyes and he returns. “A doctor will be here soon doll. Jackie is bringing you some soup.” He comes to the side of the bed again and brushes my hair out of my face. Jackie comes in with soup and some crackers. She brings it to my side, I sit up and take in a deep breath through my nose, taking in the smells. I shake my head quickly pushing them and the food away. I run to the restroom and hunch over the toilet. I feel a small gently touch on my back, it’s Jackie and I can hear J on the phone in the bedroom yelling at someone, I’m sure it’s the doctor that he has been trying to get here. Jackie’s voice is soft, “Awe dear, it’s ok. It’s probably just a bug. Mr. J seems to be overreacting, I don’t think it’s anything serious.” 

I didn’t even know he thought it might be serious. I stay over the toilet and rest my head. My stomach feels upside down and I can barley stand back up to get back to bed. Jackie helps me and holds me up.

J is right by my side again “How are you feeling darling.” 

“Fucking peachy J.” I moan back as I curl back into a ball under the sheets. He lets out a laugh that quickly turns into a sigh. He covers my shoulders and walks out. Jackie takes the food back downstairs and I’m left alone, curled up in the sheets. ‘Finally.’ I close my eyes and drift off to sleep. 

 I’m woken up by Js cold hand on my face. “The doctor is here doll” I grunt and cover my head with the sheets, I feel a little bit better. “Kat it will be quick, you can go back to sleep when he is done darling.” I groan and uncover my head, the doctor looks like he’s going to pass out himself, he is pale white with fear. 

“J, maybe, maybe leave the room?” He gives me a sparked look. “Baby, he’s petrified!” I let out a small laugh. 

“If there is a single fucking scratch on her that I did not cause myself, I’ll kill ya.” He has his face directly in front of the doctor, “I count them!” He opens his eyes wide like he is staring at his soul. 

“Awe, isn’t that sweet!” I laugh and give J a stern look to get out. He steps out and closes the door but leaves it cracked, “J! Close the fucking door!” I hear him growl and he does as I ask. “Look, don’t worry about him. As long as I get better you’ll be fine, i’m pretty sure its just the flu. He’s not as tough as he looks.” I smile at the doctor. He takes a deep breath in but I can tell his nerves haven’t calmed any. “I promise.” I reassure him.  He gives me what he can of a smile and asks me to describe my symptoms.

“Well I’m fine one minute and over the toilet the next. I have a high fever that I haven’t been able to shake. Im cold. I’m tired. My stomach hurts and then hurts worse with the smell of food.” I rant on. He just nods his head, he has me sit up and he checks out my vitals with the tools he was allowed to bring.  He asks what I have eaten in the past 48 hours. I list off the foods I remember. He asks if I have been out of the country. I let him know I haven’t. He asks if J and I are sexually active. I hesitate and say yes. He asks if we use protection. 

My heart sinks, I think Im going to be sick again. The doctor notices and grabs the nearest bowl shaped object and bring it to me. I wipe my face, I look at the doctor with the most petrified look. “Its ok. We don’t know yet. It could maybe be an ulcer or something.” He is trying to make this better, it’s not working.

I pull the collar of his shirt so he is close to my face, “If you say a fucking word to anyone about this, I will kill you.” He is terrified, “And I will not make it quick and painless. Are we clear?” He nods. “I swear, I will fucking kill you.” He stumbles on his words but manages to agree to our terms.

“Now what?” I ask him angry and scared. He is shook up, but tells me to get a test and if its positive I can go see him for any concerns or questions.  I feel sick again and run to the bathroom, there is nothing left in me. My back hurts as I dry heave and start to cry.

J come full force into the bedroom, “What happened? She is still sick?!” 

The doctor mumbles around again and tells J its an ulcer and that i need to eat bland foods, drink lots of water, get plenty of rest and he will fill me a prescription and bring it by later. 

J doesn’t even respond to him and comes over to my side, “Why are you crying? Do you need something for pain?” He has his hand on my back and it makes the feeling in my chest worse. I want him to get away, i don’t want him touching me.  “Im fine.” i manage between the sobs. He helps me up to the sink and I brush my teeth again, i move like molasses as I get back in bed. I put the sheets over my head and fall asleep hoping this will all be a dream.

I wake up, still feeling sick. The bedroom door is still open but its quiet in the house. I make myself get up and go to the top of the stairs. 

“Jackie?” I yell and whisper at the same time. No response, I say her name again, “Jackie?” A little bit louder.

She shuffles up the stairs. “Yes, dear are you alright?” She has her hands wrapped around my face.

“I am ok, is, is J here?” I look around before asking.

“No, he stepped out for a moment. You have slept an entire day away, you must be hungry dear? Just some toast maybe?” Her eyes are deep in mine, filled with worry.

“Toast is fine.” I make my way back into the bed and in a few minutes shes at the bedroom door. “Could you close the door?”

She gives me a questioned look but closes the door behind her, “What is it honey?”

I feel the tears breaking free, she rushes to my side, “What is it? Are you in pain? Do you need something? Should I call Mr. J?” 

“No!” I blurt out, I catch my breath and grab her hand so she has full attention on me, “I do need something.” I bite my lip.

“Ok, honey just tell me, i’ll get you whatever.” She can tell im in pain she just doesnt know where.

“You have to promise, I mean really promise me you will never say a word of this ever.”  She leans back a little bit and is hesitant but nods. “I need. I-I need a pregnancy test.”

She lets go of my hand, stands up and stands back. “A what? Kat! No, no, no, no!” she wraps her arms around me so tight and I sob into her, I can’t hold back anything. “Dear, look at me.” She picks my head up and stares in to my bloodshot red eyes, “I will get this for you, I will be here every step of the way and with whatever decision you make, ok? You come to me for anything! Do not hesitate, please.” Her words feel soothing as Im taking in small quick breaths trying to calm myself. She hugs me again, she doesn’t let go until my breathing is regular. “Ill have it for you in the morning, ok?” 

“Please, don’t say anything.” I beg her. 

“Not a soul dear. I promise.” She gives me what she can of a smile and leaves the room.

I sit there, i feel almost numb. I don’t think I have fully processed everything. I know I haven’t. Nothing is even confirmed yet. I eat the toast Jackie made for me, I lay back down and stare at the ceiling.

Im sure hours have passed and I haven;t moved a muscle. I hear the front door open and my heart sinks. ‘We ruined us.’

I gather my thoughts and emotions, I have to become the best actress there ever was until I figure all this out.

J comes straight to the bedroom, “How is my princess feeling?” He has a smile on his face, this meeting must of gone well.

“I actually feel a lot better. Stomach is a little upset but I just ate something and Im sure that will help.” I sit up in bed and smile. It hurts so bad to lie to him, straight to his face.

“Ahh, darling that is good to hear, would you like to watch a movie? Together this time?” He hops in the bed, fully clothed and shoes on.

“Whats with the mood?” I lean back and give him a questioned look.

“Well, I just killed a man baby, for 5 million.” He leans his head back and pulls out his phone.

I laugh and almost forget the weight on my shoulders.

“Whatcha looking at?” I scoot closer to him. 

“Just wanna show ya something I got.” He flips the phone and hands it to me.

“Its a beach?” I laugh, “Can you buy a beach?” I laugh harder.

He snatches the phone back, “Its a vacation spot!” He tries to hide the smile 

Fucking pit in my stomach.

“You ok doll?” He sits up and looks at me.

“Yeah, yeah, I am.” I clear my head. “A vacation? Just us two? Where?” I try and sound excited.

“Well a couple of guards but we will have our alone time.” He purrs and kisses my head. “Somewhere far, far away from… this.” He spreads his arms out.

“I thought you loved ‘this’?” I mimic his motions.

“Well, i do. I also love not having to worry about you. I can do that if its just us on a beach far away where no one knows.” he laughs.

I force one back, “When, when do we leave?”

“In 3 weeks darling, i will have Lucas take you shopping in the next few days.” He smiles at me.

“Can’t wait baby.” I force his arm around me and lay on his chest. His breathing is soft and mellow. While mine is racing. “J, can I, can I ask you something?”

“Just about anything doll.” He is laying back relaxed.

“It’s about last night. The trigger.” I wait for a response and i don’t get one so i continue. “Why is that a trigger? Do you know?”

He is quiet for what feels like forever, I don’t want to move thinking maybe he didn’t hear me and therefore won’t be mad.

He clears his throat, “Darling, i kill people. Almost every day. Good or bad. I came to do business and that’s all I am here for. All sympathy is lost when i work, you know this.” he pauses, “I have killed many, many, many parents I am sure of it. I have killed someones kid. If i had a… ‘family’ I don’t know how that would effect my work. I don’t know if i could do it. I can’t even love you, how could I love a family. How could i be a… dad.” He says the last word is disgust.

A silence falls over us.

“It becomes a trigger when you are involved. Not being able to give you the world. I am not good enough for you. You won’t be with me forever, I know that. I don’t think you do though.”

Fucking knife in my chest. 

“Don’t. Don’t say that.” i whisper. “You are my forever.”

“Darling.” He says in a sigh and doesn’t say anything after that. 

The morning comes and J is gone, as always. I don’t feel sick, I actually feel fairly well. ‘Maybe it was just the flu.’

I get up, stretch and go wash my face and brush my teeth, my gums feel raw from brushing them so many times the day before.  I take a quick shower and I feel really good, I put on one of Js shirts, it fits long but not like a dress. i throw on some jeans and make my way downstairs for some real food.

“Good morning dear!” jackie greets me, “You look like you are feeling so much better, have a seat let me get you some food.” She serves me up some oatmeal and fruit. She takes a seat next to me as I eat.

“Is J here?” I ask in between bites.

“Another meeting.” She wants to talk about it, i can read it all over her face.

It sends a slight chill down my spine mentioning him at a meeting, knowing he is going to kill a mom, dad, son daughter, or some sort of family member.  I never even thought of it before.

“Were you able to?” I act like i am gossiping in the high school girls bathroom.

“Yes, dear. Eat and we can head upstairs. If you want me to go with.” She places her hand on mine, i nod.

I try and take my time eating but i don’t know when J will be home. I let out a deep sigh as i take my last bite before we head upstairs.

Im standing at the door of the bathroom and stare at the box that could possibly change my life forever. I bite the inside of my lip and look back at jackie who is sitting on the floor by the door. I walk in and shit the door. I follow the directions exactly on the box. Im nervous, scared, angry, devastated.

I walk out of the bathroom and go sit by jackie against the door. I set the test on the marble floor in front of us and bring my knees to my chest and hug myself. Jackie wraps her arms around me. 3 minutes go by.

I don’t want to look. The knot in my stomach is back and it ten time worse than ever before. I look at Jackie and she nod her head toward the test telling me to get it.

“Fuck.” I can’t even cry. I don’t even know what I feel. I can’t be a mom, he definitely has made it clear where he stands on being a father. My mind is racing on what I need to do. “We have to get rid of this.” I look at Jackie with my eyes wide. She takes it, and stuffs it in her bra and hugs me tight, “I am here for whatever you need.” 

“I need, I have to leave.” I hug her back, not letting go.

She pries me off her, “What? Leave? Where? You aren’t going to tell him?” Her voice sounds like it is going to break.

“Jackie, he can’t be a dad. I don’t know what i am going to do but i can’t make that decision here. I can’t be here. I need to leave and find a new place to stay.”

She just nods and wipes her eyes, “Ok, where do we start.” she smiles at me.

“Thank you.” I smile back. 

I grab a duffle bag and start stuffing it with only the regular clothes, the jeans and t-shirts. “I need a pen and paper.” 

Jackie runs down stairs to get the items. 

I pack my toothbrush and all my makeup and anything else i think I might need. i don’t have a place to stay so i throw a blanket in the bag as well. I know the first place he will look is my old apartment.

Jackie comes back up with a notebook and a blue pen. “Im going to write him a note, can you watch for the door?” she nods and closes it some.

‘J, you were right. I can’t be with you forever. It is not because you can’t provide me with my needs, because baby you have and so much more. I can never repay you for all that you have given me. It wasn’t love, but whatever came from you was far greater. I just can’t be the person you need, you want, you desire. Im not that person.  There will never be anyone else for me J, you were the one, and you were the only one, and you were amazing.  I know there is better for you though.  I love you. I always will love you. You will always be my forever.

                                                 -Katrina, your storm.’

I catch the tears trying to escape. I set the notebook on his pillow. I take one last look around. “Goodbye J.”

Jackie walks me out front and hands me a set of keys.

“Where did you get these?” I look at her confused.

“Don’t worry about it.” She smiles at me, “Its parked a few blocks down, the opposite way Mr. J would come home, just in case. I got you a room at a hotel, the address is in the car. There is also money in the glove compartment that should last you a while, at least till you decide on what to do. Dear, don’t make any rash decisions. Think this through. All the way through.” She gives me a hug.

“Jackie. i can’t. Where did all this come from? Is it yours?” I ask wrapped in he arms.

“Its untraceable. Thats all that matters for now.” She lets go and reaches in her pocket. “Trade me.” Its her cell phone, “I will get rid of yours and I have my personal one, I put that number in there just on case, dear. You call me if you need anything.”

“Jackie…” I hug her again.  She knows if he finds me without all the information to make a complete story, he just might kill me.  I put the bag over my shoulder and start walking. I deliberately walked away from everything I have ever loved.

The walk was longer than i expected, I would flinch at every car passing to see if it was J. I finally reach the black unmarked car and get in the driver seat. A small folded piece of paper has an address on it and I type it into the phone, a 40 minute drive. ‘Perfect.’ I drive off. My heart is racing, i feel like a nervous breakdown can happen at any moment, and I already miss him.

Time is my enemy, i just want to get there, unpack and get a plan together, or at least my thoughts together. It has only been 15 minutes. Anger and regret start to set in. ‘Why did I let this happen, takes two to tango but I never even asked or mentioned it. How could i be so careless, how could i be so stupid!’

I can’t help but wonder what it is going to be like when J reads that letter.  He is going to hunt me.

J-

He runs up the stairs full of energy after another successful meeting.

“Darling, we mi….”  He misses the note. “Kat?” He checks the bathroom. “Kat?” He calls her name out the bedroom door. “Where is she?” He says to himself as he walks down the stairs. “Kat? Where are you princess?” He laughs thinking she is playing a game. He looks outside, in the lounge and everywhere else he could think she might be. He heads back up the the bedroom thinking she might be waiting there for him. Nothing. He walks over to the notebook and lifts it to his face. He reads it. He reads it again, and again, and again. He puts his hand over his chest, in pain. In agony. His eyes close tight.  “What the fuck.” He sits down on the edge of the bed, he is hunched over and puts the note book in his lap and reads every word again. He screams, its a dark, deep scream and you can hear the pain in it.  Lucas runs to the door, “Boss is..” “Shes gone.” He gets up and storms out of the door. Lucas steps back.  “Where is she?!” He screams out in the middle of the house, the guards and Jackie come forward. “Where. Is. She.” He is infuriated. The men and Jackie look at each other for answers and no one can give one.

He walks over to the front door “Jay.” He calls him out with him and he slams the door shut.

Over the next few days they are out till the early morning, sometimes J will take someone but most of the time he goes alone. He drives for hours, up and down every street, in and out of every store.  Nothing. He comes home empty, and not just empty handed.

Kat-

Im settled in. It has been a few days and I cry myself to sleep every night. I call myself stupid at least 3 times a day and I scream from the pain in my chest every morning.  I now know why I didn’t want to live without him. The wrenching pain is almost unbearable. I pray for death every night. I can barely get over the pain in my chest, let alone think about what I am supposed to do about the actual situation at hand.  Jackie gave me more than enough money for a few months, and the room has been paid for for 3 months in advance. I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I am grateful.

I order room service once a day, I know I need to eat something even though it takes me well into the next day to finish one meal.                                 It has been over a week.

I haven’t left the room once. No one has tried to get a hold of me so i figure, he must be doing quite alright.  So, i try to do alright. Im miserable but I am trying. I sleep most of the day and well into the night, I don’t have much energy for anything else. Walking to the bathroom has become painful.  I think of J every single day, I know he isn’t thinking of me though.  He has moved on and so must I.  I wake up one morning and the words float out of my mouth. “Im keeping it.” I surprise myself when I say it, a smile is left on my face, I close my eyes and for once feel relaxed.

J-

No one sees J anymore. He sits in his office day in and day out. Lucas and Jay are the only ones to see him, they are the only ones allowed in,  According to Lucas, it’s not good, he is not well. He has his own team on a search for her, day and night they are out looking.  No one can seem to find her, not even a glimpse.  The house is full of tension, no one know what they can and can’t do or say.  “He has been crazy for a long time. I have seen him crazy, This, this is way past that.” Lucas and Jackie are talking at the kitchen table, “I wish she would come back. No one even knows why she left.” The guards are frustrated with the situation at hand.

“You don’t know what happened behind closed doors dear. It may have been in her best interest.” She rubs his arm in comfort.  The office door slams and everyone jumps a little bit. “We have to find her, boss isn’t looking good.” Jay comes storming down the stairs. He has everyone’s attention, “Do not come back without word of where she is. Don’t touch her. Don’t confront her. Find her.” Jays orders are heard and the men split. 

Kat- 

Everything is feeling. Ok. I’m ok.  I scheduled a doctors appointment for tomorrow to make sure everything is healthy, I’m healthy. My baby is healthy. I get butterflies now thinking about it, I feel happy, just a genuine feeling of happiness. Sometimes when I lay awake from the pain in my chest the feeling I get in my belly almost makes up for it. “A mom.” I smile laying on my back with my eyes closed.   I get to start a new life. I get a second chance. I’m finally able to leave the room, things don’t seem as painful as they once were. I’ve been taking small walks down the block and back, I go early in the morning and again in the afternoon. I smile at everyone that walks by, the people on this side of town don’t know me for what I was. They don’t know me at all. That brings a smile to my face.

J-

A couple of guards come running in the front door, “We saw her!” They yell out, most of the guards stood, some just looked at them and waited for more information.  Lucas opened the office door and nodded with his head for them to come upstairs. When both men got to the stairs Lucas shakes his head, “Only 1.” Both guards give each other a concerned look, The more burly one stays behind. Lucas escorts him through the maze of things spread out. In the middle of the mess was J.  The emotions were spewing off him, you could feel the depression in the room. It was almost hard to look at him without being sucked in to the same emotions he had. He had a gun in his hand, you couldn’t even understand what he was blabbering about as he swayed the gun like he was conducting an orchestra.  This was the most frightening side of The Joker. Lucas ushers the smaller guard so he is standing in front of J, he nudges him to speak.

“We, Boss, we saw her.” He is sweating profusely.

“Where. Is. She.” He holds the gun to his head and then drops it down to his side.

“She was walking by a hotel about 40 minutes away.” He put the gun down so the guard seems more calm. This is after all what he wanted to hear.

“Was she alone?” He has a deep glare.

“Yes.” He stands there. He starts to sweat again, 

“Load up.” J says in a deep voice, “We will leave soon.” He lets out a laugh moments later than no one will soon forget, a laugh that sent chills down spines, hairs stand up, hearts beat faster.

Kat-

It’s late and I am tossing and turning, Im nervous for the appointment in the morning.  I feel like I am almost free though. I still think about J every day. I wish I could tell him, I wish we could be something, anything.  What I would do to see his face again. I close my eyes hoping its a pleasant dream of my life that crumbled.  A pleasant dream about the man that stole every part of my being, that took hold of every damaged piece of me and put it back together the best he could.  He did’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know he was creating his own nightmare.

I am fast asleep formed to the bed.  I wake up startled as a cold hand runs down my face.  It almost feels good, I open my eyes and jump back, I go to scream and his hand covers my mouth and the other hand is behind my head holding it steady.

“Daddys got you. Shh, shh, shh.” He has a grin that i have never seen before and he is so close his nose is almost touching mine.  Tears start to form, he is holding my mouth tight and its getting hard for me to breath. Im crying, sobbing, trying to get him off me. Im weak, he has me pinned on the bed, his hand still over my mouth and his other hand on my throat, his grip getting tighter.

Its like something snapped in him, he flings himself off of me and shakes his head and paces the small room. He is talking to himself, i think. I am having a hard time catching my breath, the tears won’t stop.

Part of it is fear, I don’t know who that was. J is deranged, violent and corrupt, but that, that was something else. I have never seen this side of him.

The other part, the deranged part of myself is heartbroken all over again. 

I curl myself up in the corner of the bed, staring at him. Every emotion comes flooding back, every memory, every kiss, every touch, every word that sent a chill down my spine, every smile, every stare, every fuck.

I run off the bed and exit the room, Lucas is blocking me from leaving.

I fall to my knees, i’m not going anywhere. My crying softens to a sniffle.

J walks out of the room and is standing behind me, I look at Lucas, someone friendly. I try and smile but I can’t force it.

“Im pregnant.” I let out in a calm voice, i still have eye contact with Lucas but it quickly goes blurry as the tears start to fall again. 

J walks by me and leaves. He doesn’t give me even the slightest glimpse. 

Lucas however grabs my arms and helps me up, he leans me against the wall and he looks hurt himself, he leaves and follows behind J.

I stumble back into the room and close the door. I can’t move any more, I slide my back down the door.

I can’t do anything but scream. The pain runs through my entire body, my nerves becoming inflamed, I scream again. Tears pour down my face, my bones start to ache, i scream again. My core feels ripped in two, my heart feels like it has finally been ripped out of my body, i scream again.

I collapse on the floor, my breaths are convulsing. 

I fall asleep there.

Morning comes quickly. My face is planted on the hotel carpet, my eyes open but I can’t move.  Minutes go by before I find the strength to pick myself up off the ground.

“The appointment.” A sudden spark comes about, a smiles comes and goes but at least it was there.

I throw my hair up and throw on light jeans and a t-shirt. I should be excited, I should be happy.  I can’t feel anything though, my emotions were drained from me with every scream I could get out the night before.

I take a deep breath before walking out the door.  I make my way downstairs and outside, I see Lucas.

I just stare at him, I don’t see J but I am sure he is around. I start walking quickly down the street. I was planing on walking since it’s not that far, but it look like I don’t have much of a choice.

Lucas catches up quick, “Where are we going?” He tries to get a smile out of me. I don’t even look at him. “I, I don’t know what to do. Boss told me to not let you out of my sight. He found what doctor you were going to and told me to come with.” He lets out a sigh and just walks with me in silence when he realizes I have shut down.

It is only a couple of blocks away, I stand in front of the building i close my eyes for a second before reaching for the handle and walking in, Lucas follows.

“Hi, Im her..” I walk up to the receptionist.

She flinches at me and scrabbles some papers around,”Y-y-yes, we have b-been waiting for you.” She looks like she has been crying.

I look back at Lucas, “Seriously? Fucking asshole.” I follow the receptionist.

I feel all eye are on me, and they are. They think I have the spawn of satan inside me. ‘He wasn’t born crazy!’ I scream in my head.

The nurse stops and opens a door for me, I walk in and Lucas follows. I roll my eyes at him.  I can feel my emotions well up as this starts to set in.

The doctor comes in quickly, I can tell he is nervous, and so am I. I try and give him a smile, a glimpse of hope but I think I will vomit from all the emotions and nerves. 

“I, uh, I need you to lay back. Just lift your shirt in half. Ok. Ok. Good. Im, uh I have to put this cold jelly on you, and then we can, we can see your uh, the baby.” He is flushed white, i wonder what J threatened him with.

“Do you know how far along, uh that you are?” He breaks my thoughts, I shake my head.

“I’ll get that first.” He puts the jelly on my stomach. 

Nothing.  There is nothing there.

I can see the doctor panicking, He starts pressing harder on my abdomen. 

“I took a test.” I have anger in my voice.

“Uh, You may not have been far along.” He doesn’t want to make eye contact.

“What?” Everything is hurting again.

He finally looks at me, “Look, this happenes all the time. The test was probably inaccurate.” He pauses, “ I can’t try and lie to you about this. It happens. You were never pregnant. Im, Im sorry.” He stays there. I pull my shirt down and walk out, i head towards the exit. Nothing make sense, i try and shake my head to clear my vision, it doesn’t work. I feel completely crushed, more crushed than J has ever made me feel.  This was my new start.

I make it to the side walk in front of the door.  I fall to my knees,  I scream.

I feel Lucas wrap his arms around be, he picks me up and hugs me.

I let out another scream with my eyes closed tight. When I open my eyes I see J. Standing there, watching Lucas comfort me. 

“Fuck you! I hate you J! I hate you! I hate that I fucking love you! I hate that I can’t ease that tight grip you have on me!” Lucas lets go of me, I walk over to J. “You are the absolute fucking worst thing that has ever happened to me!” The words slip between my teeth. 

His eyes are deep in mine, I know this hurts him. 

“Im so lost in you I cant find myself J, I can’t fucking do it anymore.” I slap him across the face.  Red shows bright across his cheek, his posture changes like he wants to attack.

“I can’t do it anymore. I wanted to start new, Without you.” I collapse and he catches me in his arms.  I hold onto him.

“I can’t live without you.” His voice trembles.

Hello, baby. Part 18

I wake up, separated from him. I hear the shower running and I curl myself in a ball under the sheets. I don’t want it to be morning yet. 

 “Care to join me doll?” I hear a laugh in his voice. 

I pop my head up and look at him with eyebrows raised. He’s got just a towel on and the extended invitation sends a chill through my body that I have missed. 

“What’s in it for me?” I laugh 

“Whatever you want doll.” He walks over to me and lays down in the bed and grabs me close. 

I cover my mouth, I haven’t brushed my teeth yet. “Good morning” I laugh and put my face in his chest. 

“It is a good morning.” He sighs. 

My body is under the sheets and he is laying on top of them, I want to wrap my arms around him but I’m confined. I wiggle myself out of his grip and he laughs.   “So, the shower is still running?” I sit up on my knees and smile at him. 

“After you doll.” He lets a grin show. 

I jump out of the bed and run to the bathroom, I grab the mouthwash under the cabinet and take a couple caps full and swish it around. I’m bent over the sink as I spit the blue liquid out and I feel his hands on my waist, caressing almost at first.  I let out a soft giggle and he grips them harder, my laugh turn into a soft sigh as he presses himself against me. I’m still bent over the sink and we can see each other reflections in the full mirror in front of us. I bite my lip as I feel every inch of him against me. He lets out a groan as he sees my facial expressions. He reaches one of his hands up my side keeping his thumb pressed against my back, I reach behind me and grab his wrist and bring it to my chest. He’s bent over me, his chest is on my back. His one hand is busy with my chest, I let out small whimpers of pleasure, I missed this. My hips are moving against him from the sensation of his touch. His eyes are darted at me through the reflection. The shower is still running hot, steam is filling the bathroom. Sweat is forming on both of us from out own increased body heat and the added effect of steam. The hand that was on my chest is reaching around my neck. His other hand leaves my other hip and he takes the towel off himself, he reaches that hand between my legs, my moan is almost a shudder and my eyes close. He lets out a growl, I know he’s watching me. He pulls down the underwear that he left me in and I step out of it obeying his moves. I feel him resting against me, more chills are sent though my body. He slowly slides his finger between my slit and I let out a louder moan. He makes his moves like molasses, he knows he’s teasing me. He reaches my clit and his finger runs circles on it. My legs feel like they are going to give out. My moans become more frequent, I can’t even manage words. He has complete control over me in the moment. My hands press against the fogged mirror and I try to dig my nails into it as I reach my orgasm. He trails his fingers down my spine as he watches me collapse over the sink breathing heavy. He adjusts himself and I can feel him start to press inside me.  “Fuck.” I moan out and he presses in more, one hand he has on my hips and the other is pulling my hair back. “Such a pretty sight baby.” The whole sentence comes out in a growl. I can hear him moan as he pulls himself back out and i let out out a deep breath. I look in the mirror and out eyes meet, I feel like flames are surrounding us. I bite my lip. “Ask nicely doll.” He smiles at me. I let out a laugh, “Daddy, please fuck me!”  We still have eye contact through the mirror. “Your wish is my command.” He grips my hair tight, my neck is extended back from him pulling, my back is arched and he lets out a grunt as he thrusts himself in me. My moans meet his. The position is perfect as we move together, his grip on my hip is going to leave a bruise, his hand is tangled in my hair, I watch his arm flex every thrust when he pulls my hair back harder and I moan “daddy!” I can see the chill run through him. His pace picks up and my hands are on the mirror again pushing back. He lets go of my hip and reaches around me and his hand finds my clit, I almost instantly buckle at the knees. He lets go of my hair and catches my hips. “You are fucking good baby girl!” He lets out a loud grunt. I’m not going to last much longer, “Daddy. Daddy!” That’s all I can manage in between breaths. “Go ahead baby!” I don’t try to hold back. He grabs onto both hips and squeezes them tight as we both cum. The bathroom isn’t steamy anymore, the water is still running and I know it’s cold by now. I stay bent over the sink with my head and arms resting on the counter. He pulls out and wraps the towel back around his waist. 

“We almost made it to the shower.” He laughs and turns the water off. 

I give what I can of a laugh and let out a deep breath. 

“Come on, get in the shower and I’ll have some food waiting for you downstairs darling.” He gives me a grin that I’m almost positive was just full of ego. He walks out the door and I manage to get in the shower, it was quick and cold but the cold water didn’t feel horrible, it almost relaxed me. I get out and throw on a t-shirt and a pair of shorts that were not meant to leave the house. I tie my hair up in a bun and make my way to the kitchen which smells delicious. J is changed into his normal, nice, expensive attire that I will never understand. 

“Over here dear!” Jackie calls me to the table even though J was sitting on the couch. It’s already 2pm, so lunch is served, i find my seat at the table and begin eating. Jackie sits next to me and we make small talk till I am finished. I offer to clean up but she won’t let me and she shoos me away. I go over to J and sit on the couch next to him.

“How was lunch baby girl?” His focus is on a folder in his lap.

“Good!” I smile at him even though he isn’t giving me a glimpse. “Aren’t you hungry?” I put my hand on his knee grabbing his attention.

“I already ate darling.” He moves my hand away, “Im working. We can play later.” His voice is sarcastic. 

“Then why aren’t you in your office?” I move closer trying to be as annoying as possible.

“It is being cleaned doll.” He is short in tone and words.

“Why?” I start to laugh, Im annoying myself.

“You really want to know?” He closes the folder and looks at me with a stare.

I nod and bite my lip and smile.

“It’s bloody.” He opens the folder back up and a smile appears.

“What? How?” I sit back, “You had a meeting while I was in the shower?! I didn’t even take a long shower!” My face screams confused.

“It wasn’t much of a meeting. More like, an offering.” He laughs a little bit.

He is so twisted sometimes, most of the time, almost always. I brush off the fact that people are cleaning up a dead body upstairs.

“What are we going to do today?” Im pushing his buttons on purpose.

“Whatever you want doll, just let me finish this, ok?” He is trying so hard to stay calm.

“How much longer do you think you will be?” I try to keep a serious face but it starts to break.

“I do not know Kat. Please! Go entertain yourself elsewhere.” Its starting to show in his voice.

“Can we play a game!” I am sitting on the couch on my knees facing him.

“Fuck! You are being annoying right now! Yes, whatever you want doll! Just let me fucking work for a few minutes!” He pushes me back.

‘BINGO!’ I fall backwards on the couch and laugh, thankfully he didn’t push me very hard. 

I let him finish his work and I am sitting watching a movie.

“What movie?” he asks walking in the room.

“Another girly one.” I sniffle, I have already cried a few times from the movie.

He laughs, “What about that game you talked about earlier?” He comes over to me and runs his hands down my arms and kisses my neck. ‘Not that kind of game’ I laugh in my mind.

I stand up quick, “Im so glad you remembered! I forgot about the game!” Which I actually did. 

He looks agitated already, “What game is this?” 

“Let me show you! I have to get everything set up.” I get up and walk into the lounge.

“Set up, huh?” I can fucking hear him get turned on.

I come walking out with a full bottle of whiskey and 2 small glasses.

“You want to play a drinking game? You are horrible with alcohol.” He shoots me a confused and concerned look. “I may have fucked you into crazy but darling, you still can’t handle alcohol.” he laughs.

“Ha ha ha. You will be the one passed out drunk this time Mr. J!” I give him a smirk. “We both start off with one shot each” I fill the small glasses, mine with less and he notices. 

“You are already cheating!” He laughs.

“Fuck you.” I fill mine up all the way. “Cheers loser!” We clink glasses and drink. It burns all the way down into my stomach. 

“So, what is this ‘game’ Kat?”

“21 questions!” I smile hoping he is amused, he’s not. “With alcohol!” I add. Still nothing from him. “Rules, I ask you a question and you can answer or you can pass, if you pass, you drink. Same rules apply to me. Sounds fun, right?” I hope he doesn’t see where this is going. 

“We can’t just play blackjack or something?” He is already fed up with me.

“Nope, we are playing.” I sit down at the table and he sits across from me. 

“You ask first J.” I smile at him and its not returned.

“Ok, favorite color?” He tosses his hands in the air.

“Really? Uh, I would have to say green.” I wink at him, again not returned.

“Do you like me better now or when you first met me?” I lean on my elbows.

“I like you better on your knees.” He gives me that fucking grin.

“Drink.” I lean back and cross my arms.

“My pleasure doll.” He pours himself a shot and takes it in one gulp.  “Would you rather sit on daddy’s lap or face?” He laughs at himself.

“Face.” I roll my eyes, this is not going as planned.

“Oh, baby.” He growls and I can’t help but smile.

“How many girls have you slept with, been with?” I give him a smug look.

He stops laughing, “You really want to know?”

I nod. I can’t take it back now.

“Well, I don’t know. Not 100′s but more than 10.” he shrugs his shoulders. 

I don’t really feel anything about it, I wasn’t around, how am i supposed to care about his past women. I just smile at him, “Your turn.”

“You aren’t going to go bat shit crazy on me tonight, right?” He leans in.

“No!” I laugh, “Nothing can change that so, it really doesn’t matter to me.” 

“Well what abou..” He shakes his head, “Fuck that, i don’t want to know.” He leans back in his chair, “Whats something you have always wanted to tell me but haven’t?” 

I think about it for a second, “Well i have said ‘Fuck you’ and I have said “I love you’ I think that pretty much covers the spectrum.” I laugh. 

He doesn’t say anything. I still wish I could read his mind. This might be the chance. “What were you just thinking?” I ask and he snaps out of his train of thought.

“Nothing.” He is short and pours himself a shot and drinks it.

“Such and honest boy!” I laugh 

“Are you afraid of me?” he cuts in my laugh. 

“What?” Im not sure if I heard his right.

“Are you afraid of me? Do you think i will hurt you still?” His stare has gotten deep. 

“No. I mean I know you could. I don’t, i don’t think you would, on purpose. I guess.” Im not afraid of him but I know he can still hurt me. Physically and emotionally.

He pours himself another drink and drinks it. Im lost looking at him, trying to see where he is going mentally.

“When was the last time you loved?” I keep my voice soft, we both are leaning on the table which brings us closer.

He stares at me, lost in thought, his own thoughts. I don’t break him out of it. His eyes seemed glossed over, its been a few seconds and he still giving me this deep stare into my eyes. 

“I haven’t.” His mouth barley moves as the words come out. Our eye contact doesn’t break but I can feel my own chest feel tight.  Not out of emotions for me, but for him.  “J.” I whisper. He snaps out of it, sort of. 

He leans back in the chair and is quiet for a few moments, he fills up for another shot and takes it with ease.  “Could you live without me?” His voice is soft.

I have a hard time with the truth or a lie, I go for it, “Yes. It wouldn’t be easy, it would hurt a lot, I would always have constant reminders of you. I wouldn’t be the same. But I could survive.” I go wit truth. I could live without him, I wouldn’t want to though. 

“Good answer.” He blinks a few times and nods to me.

“What do you miss about life before me?” a smile flinches on my face.

“As of recently, less bruising from inside my own house.” He lets a small laugh escape him.

I can’t hold a full smile back and finally he responds to it with a full grin. “Whats the deal with you and Jackie?” He laughs a little more.

“Well, thanks to you, she is my best friend and I can’t thank you enough for her.” I smile, “She actually likes working for you, you help her provide for her kids and family. For a few brief moments she hated you, but that can’t be surprising.” I smile at him and he smiles and shakes his head at me.

“Ok, enough, go.” He leans further back in his chair.

I take a few moments thinking about this one, he has had a few shots now so its now or never, “Do you want kids one day? A family?” 

His answer is quick, “No. Never!” He look in my eyes, “Do you?” He is staring intently at me and i meet his eyes and feel frozen.

“Uh, I mean like far down the road, maybe.” I stumble on my words. 

“Kat, I can’t give you that, a family. I can’t do that. That’s, it’s not me. This is me. Im the fucking Joker.” His voice is stern and slowly builds to anger. He stands up, “Don’t ever fucking ask me about bringing a child into my world again Katrina. Do you understand?”

“Ok.” is all that comes out in a soft whisper. My heart sinks to a pit in my stomach, i feel my eyes starting to well up. I don’t know what I was thinking asking that.

He grabs another glass full of whiskey, chugs it and throws the glass against a wall.  I jump at the sound of the glass breaking, a few tears start falling down my face. I feel bad for pushing him, I didn’t know this was a difficult subject.  He walks away and runs his hands though his hair in a rough manner. He paces the floor in front of the table I am still sitting at. He looks at me, tears are slowly coming down my face, i bitting my lip hard trying to hold back everything. I am looking down in my lap, I can hear him walking towards me. His bends down next to me and puts his hand under my chin so I look at him, I refuse. 

“Darling, please.” he tries again, I let him.

Our eyes meet, mine are red and his are crystal blue. He kisses my cheek, “Thats a trigger.” He kisses my lips.

I wrap my arms around his neck and dig my face in his shoulder, “Im sorry J. I didn’t know” Im hugging him like its for my life.

“I know darling. I know.” His voice is low in my ear, his arms slowly wrap around my waist. 

We stay there for a moment. 

“Lets go for a drive?” He pushes me back to look at my face, he has a smile on his.

I nod. He picks me up and sets me on my feet, “Wait here.” 

Minutes go by and I hear an engine, i walk to the front door and open it to peek out. 

It’s so beautiful.

I swing the door open and run to the car, “Get in baby!” J yells from the driver seat.

I do just that, he looks at me with that big grin and I can’t help but flash one right back.

We take off, he goes so fast i can barley see my surroundings. The adrenaline is pumping through me. I let out squeals and screams throughout the ride. We both laugh together, this is our kind of fun.  This is us.

We stay out diving till the sunsets, or at least till we both some what forget what happened.

He open the door for me once we pull up to the house. I take his hand and we both have big smiles on out faces. I think that was the most fun we have had together that didn’t involve sex or murder.

We get inside the house and i go towards the kitchen and he goes towards the stairs, “Where are you going?” We ask at the same time, I laugh and he shakes his head.

“Im hungry!” I laugh I keep going towards the kitchen and pull out stuff to make a peanut butter and jelly, i look at him asking if he wants one, he shrugs and heads up stairs. I make him one anyways.

I bring our food to the room, he is sitting up in bed and has a TV on, I never even knew there was one in here. It was thin and came down from the ceiling, nothing is ever simple with this guy.

I look at him surprised, “What the heck? You have been hiding this from me?” I hand him his plate and sit criss-crossed on the bed next to him.

“I usually like to do other things in the bedroom, doll.” He smiles at me and I feel my face go red. “I do have more work to do, so you pick a movie and I will be in soon.” He get up and starts walking to the door.

“Wait” I set my plate down and grab his that he left on the night stand, i stretch over the bed and reach it out to him, “You forgot this! I made it, with love!” I let the O drag out and I smile at him.

He shakes his head at me, trying to hide a smile as he takes the plate and closes the door behind him.

I pick a romantic movie, again. I get comfortable and start the movie and eating my food.

I was already watching a second movie and there was still no sign of J, I get up and walk over to his office.

“What are you doing up still?” His eyes shoot at me.

I try to speak and then I look around the office, remembering someone was dead up here earlier. I feel nauseated knowing that.  It was different killing someone and then leaving, not having to ever think about where that body way laying. Killing someone and then having them lying there, dead, in a room, in your house. Sickening. I feel like I could still smell death. 

J runs over to my side as he sees I am going to be sick. He has me kneel by a pot with a plant in it, he knows I won’t be making it to a bathroom. 

He sits by me rubbing my back as i feel like my insides are going to come up.  “Im sorry.” Manages to come out of my mouth in a muffled voice.

He lets out a small laugh, “Its ok doll.” 

He gets me to the bathroom, I brush my teeth and he helps me back into bed, he kisses my forehead, “You are warm.” He stands back and looks at me, “Do you feel ok?”

“I’ve felt better.” I close my eyes and snuggle myself into the sheets.

“Ill have a doctor here in the morning.” He gives me another look, “Good night Doll.” He is hesitant on leaving but he does. He leaves the door wide open just in case. 

“Good night J.” I whisper.

Hello, baby. Part 17

Im left alone in my thoughts.  They are mixed with complete chaos. Im proud of myself, i did it, all on my own, but at the same time I want to go check on him. Make sure he is ok and take care of him.  I mean this wasn’t a play fight, but, I didn’t kill him. So, he should be tankful that i spared his life.  I keep escaping my own reality. He is pissed and I know it. 

J walks down the stairs and grabs an ice pack from the freezer, he comes and sits next to me and applies a small amount of pressure to his face. My heart rate increase. He lets out a groan as his body forms into the couch. It’s quiet and awkward, I can’t stand the tension. I go to get up and go onto the kitchen. 

“Wait.” He doesn’t reach for me or anything. I turn and look at him but don’t respond, I just wait till he speaks again. “I deserved that.” His head falls back against the couch. 

“I know.” I start walking towards the kitchen again. 

“Wait! Kat!” He picks his head back up 

I let out a sigh and stand in front of him waiting to hear what he has to say. 

“I hurt you much deeper than you could ever hurt me.” He sighs. 

“Is that supposed to be comforting?” I roll my eyes and walk to the kitchen. 

He groans as he gets up to follow me, “No, it’s not. I didn’t know you- I didn’t know you had that in you.” He points to the lounge. “You know I would do anything for you. Right?” He’s standing across the counter looking at me. 

“Here is what I do know J. I know you would hit me, I know you would cheat on me and I know you will never love me.” I spit the words out at him like fire. I lean over the counter, “I also know you could of killed me.” 

He shoots me a confused look, “No I, I couldn’t kill you.”

“Whatever J.” I turn my back to him and open the fridge.

“You really think I could? You think I could kill you?” Hes getting annoyed with me. So I don’t answer.

He slams his fist on the counter, “You think I could fucking kill you? Answer me Kat!” He raises his voice.

I don’t jump at the noise, I turn towards him, “You’ve done it before.” my voice come out a lot angrier than I anticipated. I walk right past him. I go outside and sit on the bench I always sit on. I lean my head back and close my eyes. ‘Its fucking good to be Queen.’

I hear the back door open and then close. I figure it must be J.  Im right.

“Look, Kat. I fucked up at the club, is that what you want to hear?” He sits next to me.

I keep my head back and eyes closed, “No, I want to hear what you really feel.” I lift my head and look at him, “If you’re not sorry then fuck you. I have lived without you before. I can do it again,” I laid my head back again. 

It takes him a moment to respond, “I regret it.” He puts his head back like mine. “It wasn’t a need. I wasn’t even drunk.” 

We stay in our own separate positions, both of us keep our voices calm.

“What do you mean you weren’t drunk? Why did you do it?” A knot in my stomach starts to grow.

“Every man in the club had their eyes on you. In that fucking see through dress. I was mad, so, so, so mad. I usually don’t care if they look, or glance. This was keeping their eye on the prize. You are my prize.” He lets out a groan as he sits up.

“Im not yours.” I keep my response short. That was a lot of information at once, but I ask for more.  “And that still doesn’t explain why you did it J.”

“I wanted to make you jealous.” He blurts out like vomit.

“You, you wanted to make me jealous?” I let out a laugh.

“I don’t know. I fucked us up. Well fucked us up even more.” He gets up and goes back inside.

I almost feel bad. Almost. 

I roll my eyes, “Pussy.” I mumble under my breath. Its like he is the King and coward of confrontation. My mind tries to figure him out, but I never will.

I get up and go back inside, I close the door behind me.  “J!” I call out for him.

“Office.” His voice is barley audible. I make my way in his office, he is at his desk making notes and talking on the phone. I sit in the chair and wait for him to hang up.

“I can’t tonight. NO! Figure it out. We can’t lose this one! Fuck it. I’ll go.” He lets out frustrated groan.

“Whats all that about?” I go and sit on the edge of his desk.

“Work.” He runs his hands down his face.

“Thank you captain obvious.” I go sit back in the chair, he growls at me.

“We have to go do a run tonight. Well, I do, not we,”

“I want to go.” I stand up and walk over to him, I push his chair back and lean in close to his face, “Scratch that. I am going.” I walk away and head to the closet to get dressed. 

I pick out something that fits the new me.

I put on a black shirt that hugs, a pair of tight black jeans and to top it off, black leather boots with a heel to kill for. I finish the look with my hair loose and bright red lipstick for a pop of color. 

I walk back into the office where J was getting up to get things ready.

“You’re. In that?” He groans and know he cant change my mind. “Fine.”

I smile at him and give him a wink.

Time flies by, the guys are loading everything up and Jackie is in the kitchen getting everything prepared for when we get back. She looks over at me and gives me a wink, I smile back at her.  I follow behind J and get in the car. 

J doesn’t say much when we get in the car. I know he is mad that i am here but he knows that I am not afraid of leaving him anymore. He needs me. More than I need him.

We pull up to a club, not Js, not ours. This is dark, dingy and empty. I get the chills just looking at the outside. 

“Follow our lead.” He says to me as he gets out of the car and is practically running towards the meet. 

I rush behind him, “Wait!” 

He turns towards me and i catch up with him, “Come back to me, J.” I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him in for a kiss. A deep, messy kiss.

He lets out a groan and he wraps his arms around my waist tight, one of his hands against my back pushing me closet to him. My hands run through his hair. We are getting lost.

“Boss.” Jay snaps us out of it. 

He pulls away from me slowly and that fucking, make me weak in my knees, make my heart beat faster smile appears on his face. I didn’t realize how much I missed that fucking smile.

“Every time doll.” He say says he walks toward the door.

I had forgotten what I had even said before, I was still lost in him somewhere. 

“Follow the lead, remember.” Lucas laughs at me as he runs by.

I snap back into game mode and run to catch up with Lucas.

I shake him out of my head, well most of him. Everyone is huddled around and i can’t see over the burly men in front of me.

“Lets keep this smooth and simple boys. I have a special lady waiting for me!” His voice is raspy and deep. I want to fucking loose it on him. 

I can’t hear much of whats going on, I keep pushing my way through.  I finally get next to J.

“Is this your lady friend?” The man in an all black tux asks. He staring at me up and down.  It sends  a disgusting feeling through my body.

J notices.  “I don’t think my lady likes the way you look at her.” He takes a step closer, I let him.

“You think I care what that bitch thinks?” He laughs and his man join in.

“Mister. i don’t think that was such a good idea.” I smile at him and walk by J. I stand with my back towards the men I don’t know and my face close to Js.  I kiss him again. My tongue enters his mouth and i let out a moan loud enough for everyone to hear. J pulls me in and he has one hand gripping my hair.  I reach my hand for the pistol on the left side, I know he is right handed so if he does need it he will reach there first. I turn around and press my ass against J, I let a smile show on my face when I feel him press against me. I slip the gun into the back of my jeans and J notices, he glides one hand down my side and I could of dropped to my knees then and there.  I walk over to the man in the black tux, i run my hand down the side of his face. 

I cock my head to the side, “Hello.” I smile at him. He doesn’t say a word.  “Oh, the cat got your tongue?” I laugh.  I turn to J, “A pussys got him!” I laugh again and J joins me. I trial my finger down his lip, “I suggest you give Mr. J what he wants.” 

“Fuck off slut.” He lashes out at me.

I quickly pull the gun from behind me and shoot him in the crotch. Guns are drawn on both sides, J and I in the middle. J lets out his manic laugh and pulls me to his side.

“God help whoever disrespects the Queen!” He laughs again.

J pulls me quickly by my hand and runs to the side as he throws something towards the other men.  An explosion goes off and i stumble but J catches me, i smile at him and we keep running. 

My mind shoots to the guards, Lucas!

“J! Lucas! Lucas was in there!! We have to get him!” Im trying to pull him towards the fire. 

“Darling, he is fine, I promise you. Every one of my men are fine. We train for this.” My eyes are wide and my heart is beating hard, i squeeze back onto his arm.

We make it to the car, Jay is in the front seat and it’s like magic, all the men are there. They are full of smoke, but they are there.

“How?! How did they get here so fast?!” Im asking but no one is answering. 

“We have to leave now doll. Get in.” He has the door open for me. I get in and he slides in after me.

He is staring at me, I get nervous, “What? What is it?”

He shrugs and just keeps staring.

“You are freaking me out J.” I laugh trying to ignore him.

“I did fuck you up.” His voice is almost soft.

I give him a blank look, I don’t know how to respond. I mean if i would of never met him I can’t say that I would of ever shot a mans dick off. I swallow hard. 

“You can say yes.” He still has a strong stare on me.

“Yes.” I whisper hoping maybe he didn’t hear me.

“Do you wish you would of never met me?” He reaches for my hand and I let him grab it.

“No.” I say in a whisper tone as well, my eyes are on out hands. 

“Look at me.” He squeezes my hand making sure he has my attention.

I lift my head till our eyes meet. I bite my lip out of nerves.

“You are something else. You don’t even know the power you have. You aren’t my equal.” I pull my hand away and roll my eyes at him, “You are your own.” he finishes.

I look back at him, thinking of what he just said  and taking it in.  ‘He just admitted he doesn’t own me. I’m my own person.’ a smile spreads across my face. “You mean that?” I look straight at him.

“I really do mean that.” He gives a hint of a smile. I know that wasn’t easy for him to say. 

I scoot closer to him, i lean my head on his shoulder and close my eyes.  When I open them again I am already in our bed in different clothes. I spring up out of bed. J walks into the bedroom.

“What are you doing up?” He gives me a strange look.

“I. I don’t know. I just sort of woke up and then realized I wasn’t where I last remember being.” I look at him for answer.

“You fell asleep darling, I changed your clothes and set you down in bed. nothing else, I promise.” He smiles and winks at me, “No go back to bed.”

“Aren’t you coming to bed too?” My heart rate is still high.

“Would you like me too?” he laughs

I nod my head and he slips under the sheets with me. He jerks his neck to the side inviting me closer, knowing thats what I wanted. I scoot in close and give him a squeeze which he reply’s with a grunt. I laugh at him and he pulls me even closer. His arms are wrapped around me and I can feel him breathing on my forehead, it slows down and becomes deep.  I close my eyes. 

Hello, baby. Part 16.

I lay awake, my dreams were twisted and tortured. I was alone. In our bed. My eyes are burning as they pierce the ceiling. I wonder if he even came home. It’s barley light outside and I don’t feel like I actually slept. My phone lets off a loud buzz from my purse in the corner of the room. I sit up and my head starts throbbing, I close my eyes and breath in slow through my nose and let the air escape my mouth. I walk over to the purse and pull out the phone, it has 15 missed called from J. I toss the phone back in the purse. I make my way into the bathroom, I wash my face with cold water and tie my hair up. 

“How much longer can I take this?” I look at myself in the mirror, eyes bloodshot, a smile seems impossible to form. My chest feels like it might cave in. 

I take a few more deep breaths. I wrap a robe around myself, the purple silk against my skin reminds me of him. The good and the bad. I can’t let him, or anyone know how weak I feel. I’m unbothered by this whole mess, thats what they need to see. I remember what Lucas has told me before, turn everything into anger. That’s what I plan on doing, even if it kills me. Even if it kills him. I walk out of the bedroom door, it’s silent. My feet are on the icy cold marble floor, I walk downstairs slowly trying to see if anyone is up. No one is there. I make some coffee and sit on the couch with my legs crossed, it’s almost 5am. I’m so tired but I know sleep is one of my enemies right now. 

“How are you Kat?” Lucas voice makes me jump almost spilling my coffee. 

“I’m fine.” I smile at him. It hurts. 

He takes a seat next to me, “You sure?“ 

I turn back to my coffee and nod. I take a sip and ask him “How do you even know about all this?” I keep my eyes focused on the patterned rug by the couch. 

“Kat, you killed someone. J had to sleep at the club, and you got his main guard to give you his gun that you then threatened J with.” He smiles at me and I let out a small laugh. “You’re a badass!” He laughs again.

I shake my head, “Turn everything into anger, right?” I give him a half smile.

He gets up, “You’ll get through this, I know you will.” He goes to walk away.

“Wait, Lucas, do you, uh, do you know where he is?” I bite my cheek, I don’t know if I really wanted to know.

“Well, he should be home in a minute. They wanted him to sober up completely before coming back to you.” He has his lips pressed and smiles. Its compassionate but also says he feels sorry for me. 

“Thanks.” I get up and bring my coffee with me upstairs.

‘How am I going to handle this…’ My mind is trying to think of something that will bring him to his knees, crush him, and then bring him close to his last breath. I figure i will just roll with the punches because I really don’t even know how he is going to act. I take my robe off and change into something a little more dominatrix. I slip a long black robe over, and put on the same shoes as last night. Red bottoms, covered in crystals. 

I go to the bathroom and brush out my hair and apply some makeup. I hear the front door open and my stomach turns, my heart drops and my knees feel weak. Another round of deep breaths. I stand up and look at myself, i look powerful, I look confident, I have to play the part. ‘Turn everything to anger. Everything.’ I make my way to the bedroom door, i close my eyes and swing the door open. ‘This is it. This is what he created. This is who I am now.’ I walk down the stairs slowly, keeping my eyes peeled for the bright green hair.  Lucas sees me first and gives me a look with his eyebrows raised, its a look of approval.  There he is, sitting on the couch, shirt completely un buttoned, not a single hair is in place, his eyes are tired. He looks, well, like shit.  I make myself known with the sound of the heels on the marble. His eyes meet mine.  I snap myself out of the moment of weakness I could feel coming over me. He goes to stand up.

“Stay.” I point my finger at him.  He does.  I walk around behind the couch, the guards have now moved away from us. I reach my hands over his shoulders and run my hands down his chest. His hands fall to his side and his eyes flutter closed. ‘You are fucking mine.’ I run my hands down his chest once more, when my hands reach his shoulders i grab his chin and tilt his head back. His eyes are open and he is looking at me as my hair falls around us. I lean in close to his ear, I kiss him gently, “Fuck you.” I whisper to him. 

I leave the couch and go into the kitchen and grab the big knife, I make my way into the lounge once I have it. There were 2 guards in there, they leave when I shoot them a look. I pour myself a shot of anything and take it back in one swig, i shake my head after like it will get the taste out of my mouth. 

J is at the door, “Katrina, look, I wasn’t thinking. You know how much you mean to me. You know this.” I can tell he is trying to sweet talk me, asshole. 

I walk over to him, knife in my hand swinging with every step, his eyes flash to the knife and then back at me. He doesn’t look scared. Yet. I stand right in front of him and with my free hand i pull him towards me and turn us around so my back is facing the door. I close it and lock it. I walk towards him and he walks backwards, “Sit.” I command him, he sits in the middle of the couch. I stand in front of him and throw the robe down. His eyes get wide and I can hear him purr and the purr turns to a growl. 

“Explain yourself.” I put the flat part of the knife under his chin and lift it up so hes looking at my face.

“I-I uh, wow. Doll, accidents happen. A man has needs, ya know.” He purrs again and lets his laugh ring through.

I cock my hand back and slap him. I didn’t even mean to, it just came over me. it just happened. He twists his head to look back at me and I can see the rage building in him.

his eyes meet mine, ‘I cant fucking back down now.’ He stands up and I don’t flinch. 

“My, my, my ….” He walks around me and I grip the knife tight but I don’t let the fear show. “Darling, you have no idea what you just did.”

I feel my body burning as the anger keep building up in me. Who does he think he is, he cheated on me. He did this. 

“You don’t get to fucking taunt me. You got yourself in this mess J.” I turn around slowly and face him. 

“Doll, Im not taunting.” He grabs my wrist and twists it, involuntarily I turn around as he pulls my wrist behind my back, i let out a grunt, he has my hand reaching to the top of my spine, “Don’t you fucking test me. Throw the knife like a good little girl.”

I let my body relax, i take a deep breath and toss the knife over the bar, it hits a few glasses causing them break on the floor. The noise catches his attention for just a few seconds, just enough time for my to kick back. I hit his knee, not exactly what I was aiming for but it works. He lets go and falls to his knees. I know I don’t have much time, he is stronger than me unless I kick him while he is down. So, thats what I do. I lean back on one leg and put all my force into the kick, my heel lands right in the center of his chest. He falls back and he is fucking fuming.  I quickly kick off my heels, I go for another kick and he grabs my ankle and pulls. My whole body slams against the floor. I close my eyes tight adjusting to the pain. He is quick to try and get the upper hand, he sits on my waist and i cant reach him with my legs, he laughs and slaps me across the face, and leans in close, “You are fucking done..” I head butt him, still not one of my favorites. I can feel blood dripping from my head. He falls back enough so I sit up, I punch him in the side of the face and he falls to the side of me, I stand up quick. I try to slow my breathing.

“What the fuck Katrina! What is this?! Why cant you go back to being just a fuck toy.” He is trying to distract me.  He rubs his face and is on one knee, working his way up. 

I step up to him and kick him, my foot lands perfectly on the side of his face, he falls with a loud groan. 

“Im playing the villain baby, just like you want!” I respond full of confidence and a smile on my face. I wipe my forehead of the blood and sweat.

He is stumbling to get up, I don’t feel an once of sympathy. I kick him again. His face is starting to bruise and I thought I would feel bad for him but I don’t. I still have so much anger left in me. 

“Katrina!” He yells at me, he is actually showing pain.

I lean down close to him, “Im the reason storms are named after fucking people. Darling.” I push him back down with my foot hard. I have one last move, I go to the bar and grab a bottle of anything, I walk over to him, he is on his knees, I don’t hesitate for a second. I slam the glass bottle against the back of his head. It shatters and he falls to the ground with a loud thud. I drop what was left of the glass in my hand and start walking to the door. Before I unlock it I turn back to him and see he is on his elbows, “You still alive, baby?” I small smile appears on my face. 

I hear groans coming from him.  I walk out the door and leave it open for someone to find.   I am in no way dressed for the public eye, so i make my way upstairs.  I throw on one of his white button up shirts and my slippers.  I go look at myself in the bathroom mirror and clean up the dried blood. I shake may hair out, getting rid of some tangles, i head back downstairs. I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water. i drink the whole thing quickly. 

“Woah, what the hell happened?” Lucas has his eyes wide on me. 

“I took care of things.” I smile at him and it turns into a small laugh.

“I, I uh, yeah I would say you did!” he laughs with me, “You alright though?” his voice goes to concerned.

“Fucking peachy.” I smile at him and it’s actually true. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen from here, and even though that’s the case for once my future with J isn’t stressing me out. I’m relaxed, sore but relaxed. I grab a quick bite to eat, some toast and an apple. I make my way upstairs to the shower. I still haven’t seen J, I’m sure he got dragged out of there though. I strip myself down and get under the hot water, it stings be feels good, I focus on washing my hair, the feeling has me ready for a nap. I can’t seem to wipe the smile off my face now, I did it, I defeated him. I get out and braid my hair back and pick out some jeans and a t shirt. I go to open the bedroom door and it’s J.  He looks bad. Really, really bad. He has blood down his face, one eye is swollen almost shut, his lip is busted open and he’s got a bruise forming on his chest where the heel of my shoe hit him.  He walks in and pushes me aside. His back seems a little hunched over, possibly from pain. I want to say something, but I can’t. He deserved it. After everything I’ve been through for him. He can manage one good ass beating. I keep walking downstairs, i make myself another cup of coffee and sit back on he couch.

Jackie comes in, “Hello, Kat! How are you this morning?” She throws a smile at me.

“Productive.” I give her a grin back and finish my cup, its barley noon and i have conquered the world.

Hello, baby. Part 15.

2 weeks later-

Things have been… normal, for J and I. He has helped me with, well, everything for the last few weeks. He has been treating me like an actual princess, i’ve been waited on hand and foot, I actually feel extremely spoiled. J hasn’t been working as much, his time has been spent with me, taking care of me. We have stayed home the entire time. He has only been to the club once since the accident. I don’t know if it bothers him or not, he hasn’t said anything about not working or about not being at the club. I have tried asking him about it all, but he just reassures me that things are being taken care of. On another note, I am almost completely healed, the pain is gone and all I have left is a scar and a few more physical therapy sessions. I am dying to get out of the house though, i have been spending a lot of time outside, mostly in the garden, but it’s not the same. I miss being out, out with him. I have yet to ask to go out but I figured tonight he was in a good mood so, 

 “Can we maybe go out tonight babe?” I bite my lip when I ask. 

“Darling, everything you need is right here.” He’s sitting across from me at the kitchen table, he is making notes for work, I think, so he doesn’t give me much eye contact.

I let out a sigh, and just nod. Jackie has kept her promise with making me a feast after feast since I have been able to go back to regular eating. She is still mad at J, for everything, but it’s starting to ease when she sees how he is treating me. I appreciate his affection but I really just want to get out of the house, I just want us to go out and have fun, possibly forget all this ever happened. 

I decide to ask again. I get up and make my way in between him and the table and sit on his lap so my legs are on the side of him. I put my arms around his neck. “Baby, I’ve been locked in this house forever!” I kiss his neck and his ear, “Please lets go out tonight.” I whisper in his ear. 

 He lets out a small grunt but snaps out of it, “Don’t ask me again. I’m warning you doll.” He pushes me softly off of him. 

 I roll my eyes and walk to the bedroom. ‘He can’t force me to stay! Maybe if I get dressed up he will join me though!’ I go through the closet and find something low cut and short. It’s a gold dress that flows off my body. The front comes to a sharp V right above my navel, the length is to my mid thigh, I finish off the look with black heels and a black choker necklace. I give myself a smoky black makeup look and add my bright red lipstick. My hair is in its natural wavy look and I leave it. I spry perfume on my neck and wrist before walking out the bedroom door. 

I walk downstairs and the sound of me heels agains the marble gets the attention quick. 

“Would you pull the car around front Lucas.” I smile and him and he nods and goes out the front door. 

I walk in the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water, I take the seat across from him again. He’s consumed by his work still, so he doesn’t even notice. I smile at myself trying to hide the frustration and get up and go out the front door. ‘He has to notice I’m gone.’ I go sit in the backseat of the car and Lucas is in the drivers seat. 

“Where to Kat?” He looks at me in the small mirror. 

“Just wait a second.” I stare at the front door waiting for J to come out ready to take the night on with me. 

Nothing. I can’t leave without him. He will be furious at 1. that I left without him and 2. I didn’t even tell him where I was going. He has been so good to me lately, I couldn’t do that. I let out a heavy sigh, “Nowhere.” I open the car door and step out, “Sorry Lucas.” I close the door and walk back inside.  I go sit across from him again. 

“I knew you wouldn’t leave.” He doesn’t even look up. 

“What?” I wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying, I was lost daydreaming about being anywhere but here. 

He looks up at me with a sly grin, “I knew you wouldn’t leave doll, I am surprised you actually went out the front door though.” He looks back at work but glances up at me for a few seconds, noticing the details to my outfit, “You do look nice.” 

“Well, I could leave.” I lean back in the chair and cross my arms, “You don’t own me, remember?” I raise an eyebrow at him. 

“I wouldn’t press this anymore darling.” He snaps at me still keeping his voice calm. 

 “J! You have barley been to the club, what if it’s madness there? What if things aren’t being taken care of like you think?” I lean forward in the chair, “And I’m dying here! How many times can I watch the fucking plants actually grow!” The sarcasm is strong in my voice. 

He pushes the chair out with force and stands up, he walks over to me slowly and I can feel the fear start to set in. ‘I’m not afraid of him. I’m not!’ I stand as well trying to make it seem that I’m a little more fearless than I actually am. 

I calm my voice down, trying to reason with him, “J, please. Can we go do something tonight? Even just a drive? Or like go to a beach? It doesn’t have to be a public place.” I walk backwards as he presses towards me, I hit a wall. 

“If I say we are staying in, we are staying in.” He puts his hands on either side of my face. I close my eyes tight as he slams them in place. “Don’t. Ask. Again.” He walks upstairs to his office. 

I let out a deep breath once I hear the door close. I feel the anger build up in me. ‘Why does he think he can run me like this? Like I’m a pet! I can handle myself with a night out. Alone.’ I grab a bottle of wine and one glass. 

I head for the front door. “Lucas, im going to need that car again.” He does as I ask. “J! Baby! I’ll be back later!” I yell as loud as I can upstairs and walk out the door quickly. I hop in the backseat of the unmarked black car. 

“Ok, now where Kat?” Lucas laughs looking at me again through the small mirror. 

“A beach. A secluded, far away, beach.” I see the front door open and its J, “Now!” My heart starts to race and I feel adrenaline run through my body and i laugh to myself.

Lucas speeds off, I know Lucas didn’t see J and I am praying that J won’t kill Lucas later when he finds us.  We drive for about a half hour, I keep looking behind us to see if J is following, but I don’t see anything. Lucas puts the car in park and gets out and runs to open the door for me, I let him. I grab the bottle of wine but leave the glass. He helps me out and holds his arm out as to lead the way, but he doesn’t follow. I take my shoes off and leave them where the sidewalk ends, I throw my hair up in a ponytail and start walking in the sand. I curl my toes in it with every step. The ocean water spray hits me and it feels fresh and makes me feel like me again. I take in all the smells and the surroundings I can. The lighting is dim, just enough to see where the water comes up. I sit down in the sand right before where the tide would reach me. I dig my feet in the soft sand and lean back on my hands. I close my eyes and just enjoy the sounds of the waves crashing against each other. I hear footsteps approaching but they don’t break me from my empty thoughts. The person sits on the right of me, I still pay them no attention. I’m relaxed. “You look peaceful here.” Js voice sends a chill down my spine.  “Mhmm” is my response, I lay down in the sand, digging my feet deeper, my head is facing J but I keep my eyes closed. I am very relaxed, my mind isn’t thinking of anything other than ‘This is nice’. 

“Were you going to drink this whole bottle yourself?” I hear the humor in his voice.

Another “Mhmm” is all that escapes me. 

 I hear him shuffling around and then he lays down on the sand as well. I let a gentle smile show. I open one eye slightly to see what he’s doing, he has his head facing me and his eyes are closed as well, his jacket is throm to the side and his hands are linked together on his chest. I bite my lip, he looks peaceful. I close my eyes again enjoying the night out with J. 

“You know you’re still in trouble right?” His voice is a whisper. 

“Yeah, I know.” I reply and I scoot close to him and he moves his arm around me. He uses his free hand and lifts my chin closer to him and kisses me.

“I love you J” I pull him close.

“I love you as well doll.”

“Kat, wake up!” I feel pushing on my arm, “Wake up!!” 

My eyes open and I am hugging a pillow close to my chest, ‘Well that was the best fucking dream I have ever had.’ I pull myself together and look at who is being so pushy.

“What is it? Lucas?! What the hell are you doing in here?” I pull the blankets over me, Im not naked but I am not decent either.

“Sorry, boss told me to wake you and go see him right away.” He looks away and covers his eye, “I ma going to go now, just, he is in his office.” He walks out.

“Sheesh, J couldn’t walk over and wake me up!” I say out loud to myself.

I get up and wrap a robe around myself and walk over to the office, Im all healed up and J and I have had our moments since the accident, good and bad. He won’t let me go anywhere, unfortunately thats not a dream or nightmare should I say. I haven’t said the ‘L’ word again around him, not even if I really like something. I just have avoided that word at all costs. J hasn’t been working much, other than in his office. He stays here with me for the most part. When i go to sleep I think he leaves, I have woken up and he’s not anywhere to be found. I don’t ask about it though.  He did buy me flowers, they died the same day but it was thoughtful. Things are, different but not bad.

“Yes, J?” I walk in his office and sit in a chair across from his desk.

“Good morning darling!” He gives me a devilish grin.

“What is it?” I give him a questionable look.

“Well, daddy is about to make a lot of money tonight. So, I was wondering, would you care to join me for a night out doll?” He still has that smile on his face that i could never say no to. 

I really can’t say no to that offer though, “Really?! I would absolutely love to baby!” I get up fast and kiss him on the cheek, “What time should I be ready?”

He pulls me onto his lap, “6 sharp, doll” he gives me a deep kiss that sends me sky high. He smacks my ass as I walk away. “Your closet has some new gifts too.”

I give him a beaming smile and run to the closet.

I instantly find the new outfit.  Its a black dress that hugs the body perfectly, it has one wide shoulder strap and the strap has a slit in it that shows plenty. The length gives a small train that creates a waved look. The shoes have red bottoms and they are covered in crystals. 

I run back over to the office, I don’t stop till my mouth is on his. Once i pull away for air I tell him thank you and give him a hug and go back into our bedroom. 

I get in the shower and take my time, my nerves are on end and I am trying to calm myself down. I check the time when I get out of the shower and its 3pm already. I blow dry my hair straight and add a little extra makeup for tonight. It feels like I haven’t been out in forever, and going out with J already makes my heart race.

Time seems to be my enemy, its almost 6 and I had to slip into the perfectly silk black dress.  J was in his closet getting ready and I had to seize the moment.

“J! Could you come here for a second.” I call him into my closet.  Im in nothing but a small black piece of fabric for underwear and a lacy black bra to match.

“Yes do…” He clears his throat and laughs a little bit, “How can I be of service darling?”

I bring the dress to his attention, “Could you zip me?” I give him a playful smile. 

“Anything for you doll.” He takes the dress off the hanger and kneels down and has me step in it, as he brings it to my thighs he kisses right below my belly button, i bite my lip trying to hold in any noise or words that are trying to escape me. He brings it up to my shoulder and I slip the one arm in. I turn around, before he zips it he trails kisses from my shoulder to behind my ear. I know he can see the chills that have ran through my body. His hands give a cool touch as he his skin trails mine through the length of the zipper. “Is there anything else you need help with?” I know he has a smile on his face.

“Thats it for now, daddy.” I know how to hit him where it hurts. 

He lets out a soft grunt and leaves. I let out a deep breath and clear my thoughts the best I can. I sit on the edge of the bed as I strap each shoe on. I stand up and smooth out my dress, J is walks out of his closet and bite his lip at the sight, “Fuck it, we are staying home!” He laughs and starts putting on his shoes. He knows I would stayed home, but I would not be happy about it.

He grabs my hand as he escorts me down the stairs and all the way to the car. ‘This is nice.’ I smile at him as I enter the car.  He gets in behind me and Jay is in the driver seat, no words are exchanged he just speeds off. I rest my head on Js shoulder.

“Are you alright doll?” He asks and I can feel him looking down at me.

“I missed this.” I keep my head in place and he puts his hand on my knee.

We pull up to a different building but it has the same large purple J on it like his club but there is a slanted green K as well. We stop right in front and there is a line down the block and even curved around the corner. All the people look absolutely stunning.

J gets out of the car and reaches his hand for mine. I accept and get out and link arms with him.

Every single person has their eyes on us, their faces are full of smiles or fear. Possibly both.  

We walk in and the inside is even better and much bigger than the other place. Its still well lit, but the floors are marble like the house and the accents are royal purple. There are more cage dances and this time its a clear box with royal purple and bright white lights in it. There is an upstairs and you still cant see a thing through the windows. 

“Is, is this yours J? This place is, its beautiful. Its marvelous. Wow.” My eyes are roaming the place trying to notice all the details he put in.

“Its ours.” He smiles at me, his eyes are bright blue and I cant help but drowned in them. It takes me a while to realize what he just said.

We start walking towards a booth that is located in the back. The booth is different from all the other, the table is gold and round and booth part is the royal purple with gold studs all around it.  The other tables and booths have black tables and just the royal purple seating.

“Wait, what? Did you say ours?” I look at him with my brows furrowed.  I take a seat in the booth and he sits next to me and wraps his arm around my shoulders.

“I sure did doll.” He is looking out to the club as people start flooding in. “We are the king and queen of Gotham, right?” 

I laugh, “That we are baby. I didn’t, I mean thats amazing! I don’t even know what to say! Whats the name of it?”

“You might want to save your voice for tonight anyways darling.” He looks at me and I can see the fire in him, “JK. J and Kat. Nothing too crazy doll. Got to keep it simple for the simple folks.” He laughs and kisses me.

I pull him in close and then push his shoulder back, “You might want to save that for tonight J.” I wink at him. He purrs and i bite my lip.

“Anything to drink?” A waiter breaks me out of my thoughts.

“Red wine and a whiskey.” J orders for us.

“Im impressed.” I look at him surprised. 

“Doll, you aren’t that hard to read.” he laughs and slides his hand down to my waist and pulls me closer to him.

“Do you dance, J?” I look at him waiting for him to respond.

He lets out a loud laugh, “No, doll, I do not dance. Would you like to go dance?”

I shrug my shoulders, embarrassed of my question.

“You have to dance in a box. No one else is to dance with you, is that clear.”

“Why?” I was thinking it but I didn’t realize I said it out loud.

He grabs my face hard and has my looking directly at him, “Is that clear?” 

I nod my head and push his hand away. ‘I fucking hate when he gets like this.’

Our drinks arrive just in time. He drinks his in one shot. I take a few small sips and then finish off the glass. 

“Excuse me.” I get out of the booth from the other side. 

“No one is to go near you. Kat!” He screams at me but I ignore him.

I go to the backstage area and there are security guards and dances all over. There are closets filled with glittering clothes, or lack there of and vanities with makeup in every brand and every shade. The guards and girls stop when they see me, i can feel the tension.

“No worries, I just want to take someones spot tonight, If I get any tips, they are all your.” I smile. 

A blonde girl comes forward, “We are actually short a girl, the cage closest to the door is usually hers. You can have that one?” She ends in a question wondering if shes crossed a line.

“Perfect! And clothes? Just pick anything?” 

“Uh, yeah. There are all sorts of colors and accessories.” she points to the mounds of clothes.

I walk over to the clothes and pick out a black sparkling dress, its extremely cut out and shows more than it covers, ‘Perfect.’ I add a little more glitter to my make up and walk out from behind the backstage door.

I look over to our booth and J is still sitting there, with another drink.  I make my way over to the cage upfront. The catcalling is repulsive but i ignore it best i can. I step into the cage and close the door behind me, I turn my focus back to J. Now he sees me, and I don’t hold anything back.

I turn away from J and just start having fun, forgetting everything.  The punishment for this one will be well worth it, even though I am really not breaking any rules.

I stay in the box for a few songs. The tip jar for my cage if full, I don’t know if thats because me or because of who I am with. Most likely because of J though. He can make anyone do just about anything and he barley has to say a word.

I get down from the box and J is right there, i don’t know how long he has been standing there. He reaches for my hand and helps me down. We make out way back to our seats. He has a quite a few empty glasses on the table and he smells strongly of alcohol. 

“How much have you had to drink J?” I try to make eye contact but he wont let me.

“Not enough.” He laughs loud. 

“Ok, no, we need to get you home before you do something you’ll regret.” I try and pull his hand. 

“I don’t have regrets darling. Ever. About anything.” He rips his hand from my grip. “Come sit next to daddy.” 

I roll my eyes at him, “Im going to get Jay.” I can see Jay just a couple of feet from out booth. I make my way over to him.

“Jay, we need to get going. I am pretty sure he is a few drinks away from stupid.” I almost get a smile from Jay.

“Sure thing, Miss.” He takes just a few steps from me and then makes an abrupt stop, “Maybe, come with me to get the car and I can come back in and grab Mr. J? No sense in you staying in here.” 

Im taken aback, I don’t think I have ever heard so many words come from this man. “Uh, it’s fine. I’ll just get J, no big deal.” I go to turn around and he grabs my hand. 

“I Insist on you coming with me Kat.” He is firm.

I pull my hand from him, “What the fuck is it?” I turn around and look at J. An intense feeling of betrayal comes over me.  Rage runs through my veins. Resentment takes over my mind.

J is in the same booth I was in with him no more than 15 minutes ago, but with someone else.  He isn’t just with her.  She’s on top of him. Their mouths are intertwined. His hands running wild on her.

Im frozen. Watching a nightmare come to life. Watching my world crumble. Watching everything I love betray me.

I lose my fucking shit.

I walk over to the new love birds. 

I grab a drink on my way over to them. I stand by the booth, they don’t notice me. I pour the ice cold drink over them. The brunette girl jumps up and off him, she tries to escape the booth and I block her in. I crawl on her, i haven’t even looked at J yet. She scoots back and her head in flat on the booth against Js leg. 

“Do you know who i am?” I ask her in a low voice.  My hands are by her head, I have one knee in between her legs and one against the booth on the outside of her other leg. I can see her eyes well up and she nods her head.

“Do you know what I am capable of?” 

She shakes her head no.

“Oh, well, you precious little slut. Let me show you.” I feel Js eyes burning on me but he isn’t making any moves. I reach behind his jacket and grab his pistol, he doesn’t stop me. I put it against her chest. 

“I would feel no remorse if i shoot you. Do you know why?” Tears are running down her face. Her breathing is short and quick and she shakes her head no again. “Because of that man, that man you were just kissing. He has fucked me into another world of crazy.”

She tries to speak, “I-I-Im so sorry. I- don’t know. Why I did-did it.”

“Shhhh,” I run a finger down her lips. “I hope you enjoyed the kiss of death doll.” A shot rings out. The music is loud enough to muffle it. A few of the people around jump back and walk away quickly. 

I put the gun on the table, I wipe my face and look at J. He has sobered up.

“Kat, that was…”

“Fuck you, again. You should be called a fucking joke, not The Joker.” I take a deep breath, “Can you take me home now?” I look at Jay, he nods and walks me out.

J comes after me one we are outside, “Kat, baby, lets…”

“J, you take one more step closer to me I will kill you. Do not try me right now.”

“With what gun darling?” He laughs.

I look at Jay who was opening the door for me and I hold out my hand. “Miss, I can’t” I Look at him again with my head cocked to the side, he gives me his gun.

“Fuck off.” I warn.

He takes a few steps back and laughs. 

I get in the car and close the door myself. Jay walks around to the driver side. I set his gun in the passenger seat. He get in and we drive off, leaving J alone in front of his own club. My emotions get the best of me on the ride home. ‘I can’t fucking believe him.’ My makeup is smeared.

My heart feels like its been tormented and rejected.  I still love him though. I get out of the car with no help, i walk up the stairs and ignore everyone.  I strip off the dress and shoes, I get in bed in the near nothing black lingerie I picked out for him. I lay curled up in the sheets, our sheets.  “Why do I still want you to come back to me?” My heart feels broken, it is broken. “I love you. I loved you.” I whisper as i close my eyes and fall asleep.

Hello, baby. Part 14.

He walks out of the bathroom.

“Baby, don’t. Don’t move.” He’s by my side in a second. He puts one arm under my thighs and the other behind my back and sits me up. My breathing is small and quick, the pain is immense and it’s hard for me to get words out. “I didn’t. Know. Where.” 

He cuts me off. “I know darling. It’s ok. I’m right here.” His eyes are red like he hasn’t slept, his face is full of sorrow and anger. He won’t actually look at me. It breaks my heart. I know he didn’t mean for this to happen. “Jackie will be up in a few minutes with something to eat. Then you can have more pain medication.” He just stares at my side for a second and walks back into the bathroom. I rest my head back against the headboard and close my eyes trying to put things in place in my own mind. Mentally, it feels like a dream, a really bad dream but physically feels brutal. Like getting ran over by a semi. I feel so weak and exhausted. I pull the sheets down and lift up my shirt, it’s all covered up. I run my fingers over the bandage gently, like if I feel it then it will seem more real. My own light touch sends pain through my body. I squeeze my eyes tight and lock my jaw. I let out a deep breath and that hurts as well. 

Jackie opens the door softly and peeks in, she sees me awake. I look at her and she gives me smile, I can tell she’s going to try and make the best of this and I can also tell she is so angry with J. 

“I’m not even going to ask how you are sweetie. You have to have bland foods for now but I promise once you are better I am making you a feast!” She brings me a bowl of broth. Just straight chicken soup broth, nothing else in it and a side of crackers. I’m not that hungry so it doesn’t bother me too much. “Thanks” I smile at her. It’s on a bed tray and she sets it over my lap. I look over to the bathroom door and stare for a moment and then look at the soup. I put a few spoonfuls of the soup in my mouth. Jackie sits on the bed next to me being careful not to move me too much. 

“I was so worried about you dear, still am. But seeing you makes me feel a lot better.” She rests her hand on my knee. I continue eating the soup, the pain is setting in and my need for that pain medication intensifies. 

“How long till I can get the medication?” I wince as I take a breath in. 

“Honey, Mr. J won’t let anyone handle, well, anything regarding you. I don’t know where he is. I can see if someone can find him, ok?” She goes to stand up. 

“He’s in the bathroom.” I say in one breath. When I breath in it feels like I’m being punched in the stomach. 

She gives me a confused look, “Should I?” She takes a step toward the bathroom, I give her a shrug back. 

“I don’t know what he’s doing in there.” 

 She walks over to the door and gives it a light knock, “Mr. J. Uh, she’s eating now but is asking for pain medication.” 

Nothing is heard from the other side for a few moments. Jackie comes back to my side and sits with me while we wait. 

The bathroom door opens after a few minutes, “I’ll get it. You can leave Jackie.” She nods and gives my leg a slight squeeze and closes the door behind her. He still can’t even look at me. He walks over to his side of the dresser and pulls out a syringe and a small bottle. 

“What. Is that?” I try to get his attention. 

 “To help with the pain.” He’s looking at the bottle and he is being short. 

‘Thanks for the information Sherlock’ he comes to my side of the bed, still no eye contact. 

“Small pinch, ok.” He fills up the syringe and sets it down on the night stand, he takes the small table off my lap and puts it on the floor. I expect him to go for my arm but he helps me lay down. He lifts up my shirt and doesn’t even give a warning, the needle pierces my skin right on my hip. I bite down and a few tears roll down the side of my face. I let out a groan that lasts a few seconds. I’m gripping the bed, trying to release the pain into something else. 

He sets the syringe down on the night stand again. “It works faster this way.” He tries to walk away and I reach for his arm. 

“What?” He still won’t look at me. 

My head is propped up with the help of a few pillows, I have his wrist in a tight grip. I tug on him to come to me. He does. I reach up with my other hand and touch his face. 

“This isn’t your fault babe.” I whisper. 

He eyes open, I feel like he is burning a hole through me. They are clear ocean blue, and around them is bloodshot red. My heart gets a stinging feeling.  I don’t know what he’s feeling or thinking right now. 

“Who’s fault is it then? Yours?” He walks away. 

‘Ok. That hurt.’ I feel like I’m losing him, or i’ve lost him in his own self pity. Like he has drowned himself in this abyss that I can’t reach into, partially because he won’t reach back. The pain medication starts to set in, my body feels heavy but at least I don’t feel pain. My eyes close.

I wake up and it’s completely dark outside, there is toast and a banana next to me on the tray, as well as a large water. I force myself up, letting out a few deep breaths as I move. The pain isn’t unbearable right now. I grab the water and start drinking. I almost finish the whole thing before setting it down and looking at my surroundings. I look at the time and it’s 11pm. ‘What kind of pain medication is that!’ I look over and J is on his back, fully clothed with his eyes closed next to me. I mean, he’s here right? At least physically, I have no clue where his mind is. 

“You ok?” My heart pounds, I didn’t know he was awake. 

“Yeah. Are you?” i keep my voice at a whisper like its a secret.  

He opens his eyes and actually looks at me, “Yes.” 

I reach my hand out and grab his, he lets me and i close my eyes. A few moments go by and he pulls his hand from mine, it’s silent. I can feel the pain setting in my lower stomach again. I reach over and squeeze whatever part of him I can find. 

“What?! What is it?” He jumps up and starts sitting me up. 

“The pain. It’s getting. Bad again.” It takes me a second to relax my body in its new position he put me in. 

“It’s too soon.” He lays back down. Like he’s not even concerned. I let out a few exasperated breaths. It’s an intense throbbing pain now. I bite down on my lip as I scoot myself up a little more, I lift up my left leg and loudly groan. 

“What are you doing Kat?!” He springs out of the bed and helps me get my leg on the ground. I push his shoulder weakly. “I’m trying to help you!” He yells at me. 

I slowly look up at him, my eyes are filled with rage now, “Help me?” I breath out the words, “You can barley fucking look at me!” I push him away again. 

He throws his hands up and slams the door as he walks out. It takes me a few minutes and a couple of almost screams to stand, but I do it. I walk to the bedroom door and open it. 

The office door is open and I hear Jackie, “Mr. J, I can’t say I don’t blame you, but I know she doesn’t.“ 

’What the hell is she doing! He will kill Jackie!’ I feel sick as my heart rate increases, I use the walls as support as I walk towards the office door. 

I can hear him laugh, “You’re a maid, your opinion is worthless.” He yells at her. 

“Sweetie, you can say it over and over again but I know you care about her. I know you blame yourself and I know you are trying to get rid of whatever feelings you have for her by hurting her, but it won’t work.” She walks out of the office door. “Kat! What are you doing!?” She rushes to my side and holds me up. 

J walks out of the office and just looks at me. I meet his eyes. I just want to touch him, but he walks back in the office and closes the door.

“Does he not realize that hurts more?” I say aloud. 

“I know dear.” Jackie helps me turn around to go back to the bedroom. 

“Could I go outside?” I ask her as she still is holding me up. 

“I don’t see why not honey.” She gives me a smile and we make our way down the stairs. 

It takes us a couple of minutes but we make it, she helps me sit on a bench and she sits next to me. I lean my head on her shoulder and she puts her arm around me. 

“What’s wrong with him?” I ask her. I’m in pain but I figure he’s not giving me that medicine anytime soon so just suck it up the best I can.

“I wish I could tell you dear. I really do.” She gives me a soft squeeze, “Im going to make you something to eat ok?” She helps me sit up and I sit there with my eyes closed. I enjoy the cool, fresh air on my skin, the smells of the garden so close to me. I take in a few tiny deep breaths. 

“I have to clean it.” J breaks me from my relaxed state of mind. 

“Ok.” I still keep my eyes closed, enjoying the last few seconds outside before he helps me up and back inside. 

Walking isn’t so bad, it almost is easier to walk than to lay in bed all day. He helps me up the stairs. One step at a time. I get to the top and catch my breath, I didn’t even realize I was holding it.  We make our way into the bathroom and I can feel the tension between us grow. He turns the bath on and fills it with warm water.

I reach for the bottom of my shirt and lift it over my head, my back is sore from being tense with my movements.  J walks over to me, his face is close to mine but he is looking down as he slides off my pants and underwear together, he kneels down and i use his back for my balance as I step out of each leg. He carefully undoes the bandage. My heart is starting to race. He walks behind me and gently pushes my hair to the side as he unhooks my bra. I bite my lip and he notices in the mirror.  I want something so bad to happen but I know that any movement like that will break open any stitches I have. He knows it too.

He helps me into the bath. I sit there, we sit there, in silence.  He is sitting on the floor on the outside of the tub facing me.

“I don’t know how much more i can put you through.” He is finally looking at me.

“J this isnt yo…” He doesn’t let me finish.

“Don’t. Fuck, don’t say this isn’t my fault. Everything you have been through is my fucking fault Kat! You are still here though? Why? Why are you fucking still here! I can’t take seeing you like this! This isn’t, this isn’t living!” He lets out a deep sigh and runs his hands through his hair roughly, “I am living, but you, you are barley surviving with me.” His eyes are full of emotion.

“I love you.” I mange to get out.

I wait for a response, for something. He looks at me slowly, I can’t tell what emotion he is feeling, really feeling.  He stands up and I am waiting for the worst, instead he walks out of the bathroom and closes the door behind him.

I feel paralyzed. My stomach turns into knots. Im staring at the porcelain white tub, lost.

Jackie opens up the door and I don’t break my stare. 

“Honey?” She calls out I don’t answer. She comes and kneels by the tub and wipes my hair out of my face, “Whats going on dear?

I look at her, “I told him I loved him.” I look back at the tub. 

She reaches in and hugs me. i push her off. I get stand up, my moves are in short motions, the pain is torturous. I step out of the bath and the water is dripping off me, leaving puddles behind me. I am careful walking i don’t want to slip and fall. I grab the syringe that he left on my side of the bed and the bottle from his side. Jackie is watching me, she knows she cant stop me. I fill up the syringe halfway and give myself a shot in the side.  I do it again.  I set it down and wait a few seconds.

I push my wet hair back and out of my face, i slip on the first pair of shorts I see, as well as a shirt.  i cant feel anything now, but the mix of anger and agony.

I walk out of the bedroom, the office door is closed. I lock my eyes on the door. I am trying to grip the wall, i can barley put pressure on my left side.  It feels like its taking me forever but I finally reach my destination.

I push the door open. 

“Who the fu..” He stops when he sees me.

He stays sitting in his chair behind his desk as I walk in. I reach his desk and lean on it for support. I take a few seconds to catch my breath. I move so i am sitting on the edge of his desk facing him in his chair.

“I get it.” I take another deep breath.

“Get what?” he ask, his look confused.

“I get you. I understand you, for the most part. I know you refuse to let ‘love’ shine through your bubbly personality, but i know you fucking feel things.” I lean in a little bit, “I know you don’t love me, I don’t care. I fucking love you J. Everything about you. Every annoying little thing about you.” i smile at him but its not returned.  “You don’t scare me anymore J.” I roll my eyes at him and stand up.  The walk from the desk to the door seems longer now.  I stumble trying to reach for something to catch me. I hit the floor and let out a painful moan. 

J comes down to my level, “You have fallen for much worse darling.” He smiles at me.

I give him what I can of a smile, and he helps me up. His arms are around my waist and out noses are almost touching.

“You do things to me doll, I can’t explain a fucking one of those things.” He kisses me.

Everything stops. I wrap my hands in his hair pulling him closer.

“Let me finish taking care of you princess.” He pulls away.

I pull him back and kiss him again. I can feel the tears start rolling down my cheek. 

“What, whats wrong?” He pulls away feeling my tears on his own face, he has his hands are on the sides on my face.

“Im happy.” I pull him in one more time.

‘This is happiness and madness.’ I smile

He helps me back to the bedroom. He redoes the bandage and has jackie bring me up something to eat.  He sits next to me, staring at me. 

“What?” I look at him.

“You are something else doll.” he lays back against the headboard and closes his eyes.

I wish things could always be like this.

Jackie comes in with more bland soup, I eat it the best I can. It doesn’t taste like anything. i eat a few crackers and drink the rest of my water.

I lay down, J next to me.  We fall asleep.

Hello, baby. Master List.

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150435486290/hello-baby-part-1

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150481788390/hello-baby-part-2

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150537122460/hello-baby-part-3

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150577326980/hello-baby-part-4

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150608692965/hello-baby-part-5

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150670615030/hello-baby-part-6

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150760887930/hello-baby-part-7

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150805723905/hello-baby-part-8

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150885905450/hello-baby-part-9

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150933122770/hello-baby-part-10

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/150996722370/hello-baby-part-11

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/151087996050/hello-baby-part-12

http://ashmuck.tumblr.com/post/151133723360/hello-baby-part-13

Part 14 is expected this weekend little monsters

🔪💚

I love all of you and thank you so much for all the feedback! Here is another updated master list 🔪💚