Haunt Me, Baby

Remus loves haunted houses, and he has a new favorite.

Pairing: dukexiety, background royality

Word count: 1852

Warnings: halloween-esque gore, haunted houses, and handful of sex jokes because it’s Remus

Notes: Happy Halloween! A commission for @anxiousxdreamer, some spooky gays for the spooky season!

thank you to @phantomofthesanderssides for beta-reading!

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AAAAAAAAAaaaaAaaAaaaAAAAA THANK YOU THANK YOU I AM. METAPHORICALLY SLAMMING MY ARMS AGAINST THINGS IN EXCITEMENT I LOVE IT OH MY GOD OH MY GOD AGSGAHDGHADHK

So you know how lots of birds just find humans really sexy? Like how they're constantly trying to seduce humans, and if you have pet birds there's whole guides for how to not give your bird mixed signals and make them think you're their mate, and how they keep trying to drive off the partners of their owners/carers as rivals

And people who own or live near these types of birds just kind of have to live with this, like they just gotta accept that that's how birds are and work around it

I like to think that that's how gods feel about the tiresome human propensity to worship them at the drop of a hat

My apologies to everyone in the notes who are just now learning about the Many Birds Find Humans Sexy thing

There are lyrebirds on the mountain pass I take to get to uni every day. The male lyrebirds apparently think motorcycles are the height of sexiness because around spring I always have to careful for the lyrebirds standing in the middle of the bloody road doing their song and dance routine at me.

Sir, yes your dance and collected sounds is very intriguing but I am the wrong species and just trying not to run you over!

Beautiful Singles Are Shooting By At 60 MPH In Your Area

it is rotten work. but i love you purposely and ardently, so i’ll do it anyway. it’s rotten work because i don’t like to see you hurt. so stain these hands, i can wash them clean. i will wash them clean so you can stain them again. tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. because i chose to love you. rotten parts and all.

this frame from the fallout tv show is so funny i nearly puked watching it

We're on a new platform with a totally different audience...we have to prove ourselves all over again...convince a totally new group of people to think we're funny and worth your attention....so allow me to drop some of my "A" material....the funniest thing I got.......here goes....... jeef berky

Another reason I want more Addams Family with the 90s cast is I think it would be so nice to see Morticia uncorseted and aging gracefully. I don't think she'd go full Grandmama but do you really think an Addams is afraid of wrinkles and cellulite?

Look me in the eye and tell me Anjelica Huston doesn't still have it.

Some normie to Morticia: don't do _______, it will give you wrinkles.

Gomez: God, I hope so.

at morticia's 50th birthday party everyone's making Over The Hill jokes with the same envious joy you would celebrate your cousin's hundred million dollar lottery win. the "hill" decorations are various piles of rats, bones, garbage, severed limbs. there's a lot of chains and stolen crucifixes around instead of party streamers. the cake is a graveyard hill and they cut it with a visibly filthy shovel.

'one foot in the grave' gomez tells his wife, actively crying, 'and what a foot!'

morticia has the first slice of cake (it has a little sugar grave on it). when she finishes her delicate spoonful and smiles, the camera zooms in and we see she has spontaneously developed crow's feet. off camera is the sound of her husband really unsubtly orgasming.

after the party they drive off in a hearse with glass bottles of formaldehyde tied to the bumper. it says JUST OLD in the back.

the unsubtle orgasm noises continue.

YES. I WANT THIS.

I bet that eels have fun. I bet that eels just love hanging out in their big old sinuous eel-swarms.

#stuffing myself in a pipe with a bunch of other eels and sticking our heads out going :V :| :V :| would fix me

Like look at these saucy gentlemen and tell me that they're not having a good time

consider reblogging to reach more people :3

When I see people sharing so much of their kids' lives, I think about that one time my child told a joke, I shared that joke with ONE FRIEND in a private conversation, and my child said "can you please ask me next time, before you tell people something about me?"

And, yes, I absolutely should. So I apologized, and now I ask.

"I love that video of you, can I show it to a friend?"

"Can I tell a friend about how clever you were just now?"

"Can I share this in the family group chat?"

"Can I show your art to grandma and grandpa?"

And it's not like my kids don't like when I share their jokes and puns and fun moments. They love it! But they want to have control over what I share with people. Even without their faces or their names. Even people we know and trust.

And they deserve to have that control.

What's the trope name for when someone finds out they're the Chosen One(tm) and is like "No, thank you" and goes and does something else

Refusal Of The Call is the actual trope name.  Usually followed by the tropes of The Call Knows Where You Live and You Can’t Fight Fate.

The Call is Trying to Contact you about your Destiny's Extended Warranty.

I Blocked The Call's Number, and The Call Got A New Phone And Called Again

Please Help The Call is Stalking Me

I Told The Call To Take Me Off The Call List And Got Laughed At

neurotypicals will be like "you can't self diagnose" and then diagnose everyone they dislike as a narcissist

“hey bruh lemme stuff this toilet with ps1′s. im gone kill the tumblr game with this one”

What?

Falin?

10.18.23

Since the r-slur is making a comeback (you know, the word that starts with R, has six letters, and ends in D), I'm gonna make a little PSA:

For those who genuinely are confused about what word OP is talking about (and there's plenty of reasons somebody might not know it and dancing around it isn't helpful for them):

It's "retard" and the variant "retarded".

And because I've seen some people legitimately try to argue this: No, you cannot use this word to insult other people "because you reclaimed it". To reclaim a word is to apply that word to yourself as a means to stealing it's power from those who use it against you. As soon as you weaponize it against somebody else you're no longer reclaiming it, you're just hurling a slur at other people.

Most insults that end in -tard (aside from bastard) are variations of this slur btw, like fucktard. Those words get overlooked a lot but they're still horrifically ableist.