A dating service where matching is based on people’s search history exists. You’re a serial killer. You go on a date with a writer.

Serial Killer: metaphorically, if you were to kill someone, how would you do it?

Writer: Air shot between the toes, it’ll look like a heart attack.

Serial Killer who is obviously in love already: *sucks in a breath* ok

Writer: how long would it take to die if you were to potentially stab someone in the guts

Serial killer: anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes

Writer, already bringing a ring out: *shaking* thanks

A++ addition

Writer: *shows the serial killer the murder scene they’re writing* babe, i’m not sure if this would actually work?

Serial killer: *kisses writer on the forehead and leaves, comes back later, a suspicious scent of blood coming off them* it works baby, you’re doing great

I LOVE THIS

Oh no, murder comedy is my jam

I love this, I love all of this, but quick question, does the author know? Like are they aware that their significant other is a serial killer or do they just think that they have a morbid sense of humor? It’d be even funnier if the author had no fucking clue, like how Aurthur Conan Doyle was apparently stupidly gullible, and on top of it they’re a horror or crime novelist. Like the serial killer works at a butcher shop or something so it’s completely normal for them to come home smelling like blood, no murders going on here, no sirey. Just my darling coming back home from a long day at work.

Now fast forward a bit and the author has managed to get their first book published, with loving support from the serial killer who helped them fine tune all the murder scenes, and it’s a big hit. Enough so that a detective with the local police department has noticed some disturbing similarities to several active cases, including details that were never released to the press. Obviously he brings this up to his superior and convinces him that there’s something to the theory, but it’s all circumstantial right now. He stakes out the author’s home and is super convinced that the author is the murderer, but they don’t seem to do anything??? Like they literally are at the house all day, that’s it. Most they do is leave for groceries.

So you get this dynamic of the serial killer mining the author for creative murder schemes, the author being lovingly encouraged by the serial killer, and finally the detective who is just so sure that the author is the killer and that if he sticks it out long enough he’ll FINALLY have proof.

Plot twist, The serial killer and detective use to go out so it gets sub what personal. 

“You need to stop seeing them. I think they are a serial killer.”

Serial killer breaths in. “Look-”

…perfect

I don’t like actual murder mysteries, but this is perfect

THE ORIGINAL POST HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY

one day i'll have a little cottage with an oversized bookshelf and a vegetable patch and a big kitchen where i can bake to my heart's content and i won't have a single worry

Do you ever just look at a guys hands and think yes

Humans are adorable.

Supporting evidence:

1. Humans say ‘ow’, even if they haven’t actually been hurt. It’s just a thing they say when they think they might have been hurt, but aren’t sure yet.

2. Humans collect shiny things and decorate their bodies and nests with them. The shinier the better, although each individual has a unique taste for style and colouring

3. Humans are not an aquatic or even amphibious species, but they flock to bodies of water simply to play in it. They can’t even hold their breath all that long; they just love to splash!

4. When night falls and the sky goes dark, humans become drowsy and begin to cocoon themselves in soft, fluffy bedding.

5. Some humans spend time in each other’s nests! Just for fun! It’s not their nest; they’re just visiting each other.

6. Some humans use pigments and dyes to make their bodies flashy and colourful! They even attach shiny dangly bits to their cartalidgous membranes!

7. Humans are very clever, and sometimes adopt creatures from other species into their family units. They don’t seem to notice the obvious differences, and often raise them alongside their own young!

8. If a human sees another creature in distress, they can commonly be observed trying to help! Even at their own risk, most humans are deeply compassionate creatures!

9. If a human hears a particularity catchy sound or tune, it will often mimic it, even to the point of annoying themselves!

10. Sneezes are entirely involuntary, and completely adorable. Especially when the human in question becomes frustrated

11. Humans love treats!!! Some more than others. Many humans will save these treats specifically for a later date when they are in need of comfort or reassurance. IE, pickles, pop tarts, Popsicles, etc

12. They’re learning to travel in space!!! They can’t get very far, but they’re trying!!! So far, they’ve made it to the end of their yard, and have found rocks

this sounds like it was written by a really enthusiastic alien humanologist

i’m cRYING

“So far, they’ve made it to the end of their yard, and have found rocks” is still maybe the cutest thing that’s ever been said about space exploration.

my singing voice is good for showers and mornings in the kitchen and drunken nights and lullabies for babies who need sleep and im okay with this

i think it’s silly to be ashamed of your art because it’s not in a museum and of your voice because it’s not selling out stadiums. there will always be people who enjoy and appreciate what you can do.

Idk why but this hit me really hard and I’ve been staring at it for a couple minutes.

"Why she left" by @kentonbartlett

— Alice Oseman, Solitaire

rapunzel has a whole song about what you can do while self-isolating at home. tangled said queen of social distancing

to everyone who is losing things like concerts and senior proms and commencements and brunches they’d had planned forever and literally anything they’ve been looking forward to i’m sorry. i really am. it sucks and i’m sure there will be people in your life who will tell you to get over it because others have it worse right now and while it may be true that others have it worse that doesn’t make your pain, disappointment, or sadness any less real or valid. keep your head up.

More uplifting news during this outbreak ♥️

My aesthetic: Books. Books at the bookstore. Books on bookshelves. Books coordinated by color. Books coordinated by series. Books with fantastic covers. Books that are small. Books that are huge. Books. BOOKS.

going back to school gonna be like

god i’m just trying to be literate why must books be so expensive

if a hot evil villain tried to seduce me to the dark side i would simply say fuck yes

rip to all of you but im gonna get it

No one will know the violence it took to become this gentle.

Gravity is always trying to take your pants off

The people that you see on a daily basis may just be fragments of your imagination and you may be the last person on Earth. Your mind may have just created hallucinations of people to cope.