me going to sleep: *cries*

me as soon as i wake up: *cries*

I think that what made the entire situation even worse was losing my bird. I always wanted a bird since i was a teen, mom always said no but my boyfriend at the time ended up losing his first one so we got a baby one together. I loved her so much, I cared for her every day so she was arguably more attached to me than him. i tucked her in every night, she talked to me in her sleep, we fake regurgitated to each other and i taught her how to bob her head........ I cant stop thinking about how she may forget all about me one day and have another mommy. and it KILLS ME. I mean that is how my ex got me int he first place, with his first bird.

and with all this on my mind i literally need to track all of my  P C R  reactions over the past /TWO MONTHS/ and compile results onto a spread sheet. I am getting so nervous. I am seeing my ex on Thursday to drop off the last of his stuff and hang out at the beach as a pit stop on the way to see my mom. All I can think of is 1) how much i miss him and our bird and how one day she might have another mommy and forget all about me. 2) how much faster he will move on than me and here I will be without d*ck for years because Im an insecureeeee bitch. 3) how i am not even justified to feel that way because I broke up with him and he wanted to stay with me long distancce?

I wish he hadn’t said the things he did. I wish he could take it all back, and that I could forget. I wish I hadn’t let him make me feel bitter to the point that I started to say things unkind to HIM that I didn’t mean. I wish he had seen me as caring and not critical. I had some light before but now it’s been pissed on. How can I be so weak that I allow people to affect me like this.

the worst part is that no matter what my weight is i will always feel the same way. I have lost 100 pounds in the past 3 years but mentally, I feel just the same. I felt the same when I was 40 pounds lighter in high school. I’ll always feel the same way regardless of therapy or medication. For fuck’s sake! My brain needs rewiring.

Fuck! fuck depression. I hate self doubt and hating how I look and feeling like a walking blob. For my entire life and I can’t shake the feeling, the only person who ever made me feel like I am not so ugly and fat looking is gone from my life but it was my doing - at the same time I couldn’t stay in a relationship with that person for my own good, but I just miss him terribly. I have never had such a tight soul connection in my life... when he wasn’t on his high horse. People tell me 3 years isn’t long but it is when you truly loved someone and lived with them almost the entire time. I’m so full of dread. I can’t focus on my work, I feel like crying at the drop of a dime, I feel so alone and lost in this world. I’m weak and constantly give in to all the people whose opinion about how I look shouldn’t really matter, I still let people from my childhood affect me as well as my ex’s family who criticized me without warrant when I was nothing but respectful and kind. I let the way my ex treat me at times (because of his own insecurities) get to me, I take things out of context and build my own story that reflects how I feel about myself, which makes me feel so weak. These times are pretty tough and it’s just going to get tougher. I am feeling that as I age I am going to harden and desiccate completely, I already feel like I am shriveling away. I wish I could disappear without a trace, so that the only people who care about me (my parents) won’t remember. I don’t know what I will do with myself when the only people who ever believed in me are gone. I don’t have siblings or family I am close too, I will be even more alone than I am now. How I long to give my life to someone who wants it and needs it. So hopeless and so anxious. About work, life. just everything.