amelia blogs. . .

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/58257225e4b057e23e31406d

Trump Voters: A Message From The Mom Of A Gay Kid

I don’t post pics of my any of my children on social media, or here on the Huffington Post. And not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. It’s not safe.

In 2011 I became an advocate for LGBTQ children. It isn’t something I set out to do, but something that happened quite by accident. But when it did, I embraced it, and not just for my gay child, but because of the countless children who wrote to me. Children from all over the world sent me their messages of fear, violence, and pain. They shared their stories with me, and the horrific acts perpetrated on them not just by peers, but by their families, even their parents. They thanked me for loving my own child, and nearly always ended their messages with “I wish you were my mom.” And I nearly always responded, “Sweetie, I wish I was your mom, too.”

So, for more than five years, my husband and I made the decision to keep writing and sharing the story of our family. It brought people hope. And hope is important, especially to those children who have no reason to have any at all.

It has also brought hate. People have threatened to kidnap our children. People have threatened to beat me to death. People have threatened to rape our gay kid—so he would know what gay sex was like and no longer “want” to be gay. He was 8 years old when that particular threat was made.

We have not let these cowards stop us from bringing that hope. But we’ve also had to keep our kids safe. So we’ve kept them off social media. We have hidden not just their faces, but their names as well. Because the threat to their safety is real. And now it is astronomically worse.

Our country has elected for vice president a man who thinks all gay children, children like our son, should be given conversion therapy to ”cure” them of being gay. This typically involves electroshock. He believes the government should be funding this torture, despite the fact that every credible medical association has condemned the practice and stated it is 100% ineffective. But still this “therapy” is happening EVERY DAY to children in this country. If this man had his choice it would happen to my son.

I am angry. We live in the Midwest and in a red state. I am furious that people I know would vote for such a man. I am allowed my anger. I am allowed my hurt. I am allowed my fear. But when I express this, I am told to calm down, and to stop being so melodramatic. I am told to “stop drinking the kool-aid” the media is feeding me. Well, fuck that. This isn’t rhetoric. This is reality.

When I point out the views of the new government-elect, these people tell me “but I don’t think that way.” So what? That doesn’t matter. What does matter is that they voted for someone who does. By putting those people in power, they are implicitly condoning—and expressly endorsing—their actions.

I am allowed to pissed off that people think I should now break bread with those who voted for someone who is a direct threat to my child. I’m allowed to be offended that even people who claim to love my child valued their pocketbooks and privilege more than that child’s life, my child’s health, my child’s safety, and my child’s future.

That’s not what love is.

I am allowed to not forgive them.

And I don’t. I don’t know if I ever will.

To all those scared LGBTQ children out there, I have this message:

I am so sorry that this country chose not to protect you. But those of us who truly love you will work hard to keep you safe, so that you can continue to grow into the extraordinary adults you are already on your way to becoming. We will not abandon you.

To the people who are so offended by my anger, I have this message:

Please feel free to be pissed off at me if I ever vote for someone who thinks your child deserves electroshock torture in the vain attempt to “fix” something that’s not a problem. I’ll deserve it.

To the new government-elect, I have this message:

If you try to come after my child, be warned, you will have to come through his mama. And she’s one thick bitch.

#Gay Children #gay kids #parenting gay children #parenting gay kids #LGBT EQUALITY #lgbt #lgbtq #parenting

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/Amelia/when-my-son-met-another-o_b_11577642.html

When My Son Met Another Out LGBTQ Kid

On The First Day Of Middle School

The first day of school. It’s always embarrassing. Embarrassing for me, that is. Normally, I’m the too cynical, too loud mom, who curses too much. But on the first day of school my internal chant of “You are not going to cry” starts before we are even into the car. There is no precedent to excuse this. Nothing particularly horrible has ever happened on a first day of school. It just turns me into emo-mom extraordinaire.

And this year was worse. Not only was it my oldest son’s first day of middle school, but I wasn’t going to be there. I had back surgery a couple of weeks ago (I’m going to be fine), and I am not yet supposed to do things as exciting as leaving the house for major emotional events. This was the first year I was going to miss. It sucked. For me. My son was totally cool about it and absolutely blase about my inner turmoil.

All day I waited. And I worried. And scenes of bullies in John Hughes movies kept scrolling through my head, and I just knew there was some barely pubescent little hellion who would be totally deserving of my wrath before the day was out. It didn’t matter how carefully we had picked his school as somewhere that would embrace and celebrate who my kid is, the awful scenes of bathroom swirlies and kids being bashed against lockers kept rolling. And by 3pm, I was mess.

Instead, that afternoon my kid burst into the house, all smiles and said, “I made a transgender friend today! She has other gay friends!” He was bouncing. My oldest son is gay, and the idea of having other gay kids in his classroom for the first time (there were no other out gay kids in his elementary school) was what made him really look forward to middle school.

My son went on to tell me that his new friend’s parents want her to be a boy and not a girl. “So I told her my parent’s will like her a lot.”

I leaned over and kissed his forehead and both of his cheeks. “I am sure we will, baby.”

“Mom!” he swatted my hands away. “Just stop.”

(I am going to stop here and take a moment. I don’t have a trans kid. My gay kid is about as gender conforming as you can get. I have no experience having a transgender or gender nonconforming child. But if you are a parent with transgender or genderqueer kid, it’s time to get with the program. Your kid needs you to love who they are, and not who you think they should be.)

I really wish I had been a fly on the wall at the school that day, but instead I just tried to get the story out of my son of how this conversation had transpired. I just couldn’t imagine some 11-year-old transgender girl announcing her gender identity to my kid out of the blue.

So from the details I can piece together from my 11-year-old (who thinks his mother is ridiculous) here’s what happened:

My son was lost and couldn’t find his next class, so he found someone who looked like they were lost too.

He walked up to this other student and said, “Hey guy, what’s up?”

The other student said, “I’m not a guy. I’m a girl.”

“Oh,” said my kid. “Hey girl, what’s up? Are you transgender?” The girl looked at him for a minute and then nodded. “That’s cool,” he continued. “I’m not transgender, but I’m gay.”

“That’s cool,” she said back. “I have some gay friends who go here too.” My son was very excited to hear this. It turns out they were both lost and looking for the same classroom.

Then they walked past the bathrooms, and the girl explained she needed to go, but wanted to go into the girls’ room because that was her real bathroom. My son said he would stand outside the door while she was inside and wait until she was done, and then they could find their class together.

After that was completed, they continued through the halls and she asked him how his parents felt about him being gay. He just shrugged. “It’s fine. We know a lot of gay people. A lot.” She told him about her parents, and things went from there.

They found their classroom, and afterwards promised they would find each other the next day.

And now I feel like my kid really is in some 80s movie, but the 2016 version. Because come on!? For real? I am 40 years old, and the idea of two lgbt kids just happening to randomly find each other both looking for the same class just seems too perfect a set up, too unreal. If I watched a movie or a TV show where a conversation like that happened, I would probably roll my eyes at the too-perfectness, the fakeness, of it all.

But it did happen, and it made my kid’s first day of middle school awesome.

So, maybe it is time to put emo-mom away for awhile, and just let his life happen. Because we are in a new age, a new world, a new reality. Will there be assholes and homophobes? Yes, always. But there will also be two LGBTQ kids who find each other randomly walking down the hall. And that is pretty fantastic.

#parenting #gay parenting #lgbt parenting #parenting gay children #parenting gay kids #transgender #transgender children #transgender teens #middle school #gay kids

http://riptidepublishing.com/titles/adulting-101

This book was written all for me. (Not really.)

Let me tell you a story. . .

I don't usually post about books. . frankly, because if I started I would never stop. I love books. I love every last little thing about them. I love all kinds of genres and writers, and just books, man, books!

But I have to post about this book, Adulting 101 by Lisa Henry.

Last year at GRL I asked Lisa to write something fun. Some totally funny NA story. Because I love comedies, and she's fabulous. (And truth be told, I was probably a little drunk at the time to be so bold and adamant about it, especially to a woman I had only met in person just a couple days prior.)

And what showed up in my email on a cold February night at 1:44am? Adulting 101. I looked at the email, absolutely stunned. I had asked an author, who I totally adore, to write a book. . .and she freaking did it! It was there just sitting in my email. I lay in bed looking at my phone and staring at the wonder of it, the unrealness of it all.

But it was late. I needed to sleep. I had kids to get to school in the morning and work the next day. I was going to go to sleep and read it the next day. . .and I managed to last about 15 whole minutes, before I was dragging myself out of bed, stumbling down the steps to living room, and booting up my computer.

At 5am, I looked up from my screen, completely and totally blissed out, cheeks sore from laughing, and in love. This book was not only a book I had asked for, it was the exact book that I didn't know I wanted and needed. It was perfect. Funny, silly, and so, so, heartwarming-ly wonderful.

Thank you, Lisa, for writing this book. It means more to me than the mere words can say. I am bringing it with me to the hospital and plan to make people read out my favorite parts (read: the whole damn thing) whenever I need a smile. Shocking the poor, unsuspecting hospital staff will be loads of fun.

So, do yourself a favor a get a copy of Adulting 101 by Lisa Henry. You will not regret it. Available now.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01KECDDMU

#mmromance #riptide publishing #lisa henry

getstooobsessed reblogged

Click here to support Too Much at Once, and We Need Help. by Amelia Vaughn

This starts pretty normal. I, Amelia, needed pretty serious back surgery. I have insurance. The deductible was going to suck, but my job was being awesome, and we could make things work. Well, while I was in surgery, my husband Dave had a stroke.

Click here to support Too much at once, and we need help. by Amelia Vaughn

One of our writers needs your help.

Friends,

One of our brilliant, insightful, wise, and caring writers for The Parents Project, Amelia, is reaching out for help after a series of tragic events in her family life. Amelia has been a fearless advocate for the entire LGBTQIA community, using her voice to give advice to parents all over the world, and never asking for anything in return.

We hope you consider donating and/or sharing the link to Amelia’s GoFund Me page. Asking for help is one of the hardest and most vulnerable things we can do in this life, and we believe with all our hearts in Amelia’s strength and ability to persevere.

xo,

Kristin, Grace, and the rest of The Parents Project Team

getstooobsessed reblogged

clucku

Click here to support Too much at once, and we need help. by Amelia Vaughn

My dear friend (and also Marketing Director at @riptidepublishing and also a beloved LGBTQ community figure and contributor to @huffingtonpost‘s Gay Voices) is having a very, very hard time right now, and I want to do more to help her.

To that end, I will do a free professional critique of your pitch package* or first 10 pages of your manuscript or fanfiction to everyone who donates at least $25 to her GoFundMe. Just send your donation receipt to rachel@riptidepublishing.com and let me know what you’d like me to review. (Please allow some time for this; it may take a couple weeks.)

If you don’t know me, I run Riptide Publishing, and have been working editorial in publishing for eleven years (I’ve done time at Avalon and Pearson, as well as indie houses, and obviously at Riptide, which is an award-winning, critically acclaimed LGBTQ house). I’ve read literally tens of thousands of queries, and I know what makes one catch an editor’s eye. Same with opening pages. I love helping people reach their dreams, and if we can help Amelia be safe and secure in the process, well, that seems super win-win to me :)

*If manuscript pages are a part of your query, I will not review these. Pitch package review focus is on the query letter (intro, blurb, author bio) and synopsis.

If you want to help but can’t afford to donate, please consider a signal boost. Thank you!

getstooobsessed reblogged

mggardner

Click here to support Too much at once, and we need help. by Amelia Vaughn

holdmelikeagrudge

My friend Amelia went in for some serious back surgery recently and while she was under, her husband Dave had a stroke. They’re wonderful people both recovering in all the ways that they can, but they could really use our help right now. I know Amelia and Dave through their writing for HuffPo Gay Voices where they are fierce advocates for LGBT youth (and the adults they become).

They’ve both got a lot of healing to do & Dave is currently in rehab to rebuild his motor skills. If you’ve got any money set aside to help some excellent people along in a tough time, or fantastic social media skills to get the word out, we could use your help. Please help my friends.

getstooobsessed reblogged

mggardner

Before marriage equality was the law of the land, @getstooobsessed and @littlebluemaxrebo helped me marry @cggardner.

They have hit a rough patch and could use a hand.

Donate if you are able, signal boost if you are inclined to do so.

thanks so much

MdrewG

getstooobsessed reblogged

We need a little help.

We’ve been sharing our lives here online for five years now, and we’ve come to a spot, where we need some help.

We need a little help.

We've been sharing our lives here online for five years now, and we've come to a spot, where we need some help.

getstooobsessed reblogged

Gay Men and Body Image

“My teenage son is gay, and he has always been on the heavier side. I’ve noticed that this seems to make him self-conscious at times, and as much as I hate to play into stereotypes (e.g. "Gay men are skinny!”), I worry about what could happen if he puts too much pressure on himself to be thinner. How can I help him?“

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Amelia

—

Amelia Says:

This is an important question and, unfortunately, it can be a dangerous one as well.

You are right to be concerned. As a society we have a huge stigma against people who weigh more than average. Among gay men this stigma is so much worse. Our culture tells young gay men that they should be perfectly fit, and healthfully slender with defined muscles. After all, if they go on any dating site, the words "no fat” are everywhere. I would suggest reading the essay “It Gets Better, Unless You’re Fat” by Louis Peitzman to get the full idea of how intense this stigma can be.

And the truth is that not everyone can have that body, no matter how much he works out or how much kale he eats. People are all made differently, and that’s why it sucks when our standard of beauty tells us we should all be the same.

This struggle for the perfect body has definitely had a negative effect on the health of many gay men. First, young gay men have to deal with the stress of living in a homophobic society. Then we add to that the pressure to be a (sometimes impossible) physical ideal. It’s the perfect recipe for eating disorders. Young gay men are now developing anorexia at disproportionate rates. In one study by Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health, more than 15% of gay men had experienced anorexia, bulimia, or a binge-eating disorder, compared to 5% of their straight counterparts. These conditions are a big deal. People die.

So where does this leave you, the parent of heavy-set kid? No place fun. Sometimes as parents we feel like we are tiptoeing through a field of landmines. It’s so easy to mess up and say something wrong that can hurt our kids. Body image is probably the biggest landmine out there. It’s hard to know how to step. Talking about your child’s size can draw attention to something he is already self-conscious about and make him feel worse. Over-encouraging him when he’s trying to lose weight can turn on you quickly if he fails in the attempt. Not only will he feel like he let himself down, but like he let you down, too. But saying nothing at all feels just as wrong.

Since your son is still a teenager, you can teach healthy eating habits and encourage healthy exercise. But know that any change is going to be up to him and only him. Another thing you can do is pay attention. If you think his obsession with being any particular body type is becoming a problem, talk with him about it. If you suspect your child is developing an eating disorder, talk to a doctor. Ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away, it just makes them worse.

But above all else, just be his mom. As a parent, I think it is important to make sure our kids know that we always love them. Our love isn’t dependant on whether they are gay or straight, fat or thin, or anything else. We love them just as they are, and we are damn lucky to have them.

***

Help support our contributors here on Patreon!

getstooobsessed reblogged

Coming Out on Instagram

“My 13-year-old daughter recently told us that she was bisexual. She also told her friends at school. We have been supportive, and so have her friends. I just realized that she put on her Instagram bio that she is bi. I believe that due to her age, she should not be announcing any sexual preferences. We want to be supportive of her but we are also concerned that she will be bullied in school. Are we over-thinking this?”

Question Submitted Anonymously Answered by Amelia

—

Amelia Says:

Parents worry about our kids. It’s what we do. Nothing is really going to stop us. Sometimes we worry about really silly things, like whether or not our children will ever be capable of using an “inside voice,” and sometimes we worry about serious stuff, like how our kid’s identity is going to affect their life.

As the mom of a young gay kid, I get it. It’s hard to know what to do. We want to be the best parents we can be, but how do we really do that? And how do we keep our own fears from making those decisions? I wish I had all the answers, but I don’t. Just like every other parent, I am stumbling along, trying to mess up my kids as little as I can. But I can tell you what I think and why.

Your daughter is out. She’s out to herself, to you, and to her friends. That is important, and good for her! And now she is telling the rest of the world (or at least her Instagram followers) in public. For you, as her parents, that probably feels like something really different and possibly even strange but I am guessing that to her, it feels about the same as telling her friends in person that she’s bi. Kids don’t feel the same away about social media as we old folks do. We see it as a proclamation and they see it as simply telling their friends, “Hey!”

I understand the desire to protect your kids online. I limit the online exposure of my own kiddos. I don’t show pics on Facebook or Twitter, and I don’t allow my kids to have public online accounts. That’s my choice, because I am the mom and I get to (with dad) make that decision. Every family has to make that decision for themselves.

The part of your question that gives me pause is this: I believe that due to her age, she should not be announcing any sexual preferences.

As adults of our generation (I am assuming you are in the 30-50 range because of the age of your kid), we look at orientation as something that is only sexual. We view it as something that is about the act of sex. But in truth, it’s not. At least that’s not all it’s about. Our orientation is about our feelings and attractions. It’s about who makes us blush and stammer. It’s about whose hand we want to hold at the movies. It’s about a lot of really, really innocent things that aren’t sex.

Your daughter didn’t put in her profile, “I am actively seeking out sex with [inset here].” It said she was bi. And that is as much a part of how she sees herself as the color of her hair and eyes. It’s something that just is. It’s not an invitation to sex.

When it comes to my kids, when something makes me uncomfortable, I try to figure out why, so I am going to ask you some questions here:

Are you worried that this will bring sexual advances she is not prepared for?

Are you worried that being out will have consequences she is not prepared for?

Are you worried that suddenly everyone will know?

I suggest a close examination of these questions and your fears.

If your fears stem from the fact that she is 13 years old and there are some creepy-ass people online, then maybe the answer is make her Instagram account private, and for you to monitor her account.

If you are worried about the consequences of her being out, then maybe it is time to have a talk with your kid about some of the truly horrible things people think and say about LGBTQ people, and what her plan should be when she is faced with someone with those ideas.

But if your reasons are that you are scared that people will know she is bisexual, then maybe it is time for you to really examine that. If your daughter being bi is something you truly support, then you need to support her in this, too. She gets to make the decision on whether or not she is out on social media. And if you tell her that she is not allowed to tell people–not matter who they are–that she is bi, then what message will that that send her? Is that sending a message of shame or a message of pride? Because she has nothing to be ashamed of.

My son has a T-shirt from the TV show Glee that says “Likes Boys.” My husband and I had lots of conversations before we bought the shirt for him (he begged us for the shirt), and we had more conversations afterwards. In the end, we decided that our fears didn’t get to be more important that his pride. We couldn’t live with ourselves if we were the ones who told him that he had to hide who he is. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t a paranoid weirdo the first few times he wore it in public…but I kept it on the inside.

As parents, we know just how horrible people can be. We’ve had a lot of years to watch it. But I don’t want my fears for my kids to ever be translated into shame of my kid. That’s the last message I want to send my kid, and I doubt you do either.

Good luck!

***

Help support our contributors here on Patreon!

I have gave advice! (Or at least, I tried.)

getstooobsessed reblogged

"My lesbian daughter has struggled with self-esteem issues surrounding her body since adolescence. I'm worried her body image struggles and low self-esteem affected her choice to date women instead of men, since she's never considered herself attractive. Help?"

- Question submitted Anonymously and Answered by amelia —

amelia Says:

Ugh. Body issues are tough. I know. I’ve struggled with body issues my entire life. I am a plus-sized woman and have been since I was a teen. To be honest, it is something I still struggle with. And I’m a 38-year-old woman who has been happily married to a man for 16 years.

If you want your daughter to feel better about her body, make sure your daughter knows that you think she is beautiful. Compliment her and tell her the body she currently has is wonderful. And be prepared for it to not make a bit of difference. Unfortunately, society speaks to girls and women a lot louder than any mom. Your daughter may only respond by rolling her eyes and never take your words to heart, but at least your words will be out there.

There might not be a lot of things you can do, but here are a few things you should never do:

Negatively comment on the weight of other people or yourself. This reinforces people are judging her for her body. If you comment that you are fat and you are smaller than your daughter, think about the message that sends to her.

Suggest exercise plans, weight loss/gain plans, gym memberships, etc. This tells her that you think she looks bad, too. Even if this is true, and that is how you feel, just don’t. If you are worried about your daughter’s health, still don’t. If she is an adult woman in this country and has body issues, she already knows.

Tell her she has a pretty face. This tells her that the rest of her body is so bad, her face is the only thing you could think to talk about.

Now let’s address your question about the relationship between your daughter’s body image and her sexuality. It is true that in some parts of the lesbian community there may be less of a stigma against women with less than svelte bodies. Women know what women’s bodies look like. Most women know that those airbrushed images on magazine covers are just that: images. How does this relate to your daughter? Does this relate to your daughter? The truth is I don’t know. Only your daughter has those answers.

But the real question is: does it even matter? I am a big believer in parenting the child you have today. Today your daughter identifies as a lesbian. Today she is a lesbian. As her mom, your job is support your lesbian daughter. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Whether you realize it or not, your question implies that there is. When you ask if her body image has effectively driven her to date women, you’re implying that dating men is better, as if dating men is the first and better option. It’s not better. It’s just different.

No matter what body issues she may be having, your daughter can be counted on for one thing: to be exactly who she is. And as her mom, what she wants and needs from you is your love and support. So love your daughter. Love everything about her. That includes her body, her insecurities and her orientation. All the parts of her are beautiful, even the parts she has trouble with, because she’s your daughter.

As your daughter grows and changes, as we all do with age and time, support who she is every day. Don’t be waiting for a particular change or wanting one, but accept her for who she is. Respect her enough to accept and celebrate who she tells you she is. Because who she is—that’s her question to answer, not yours.

So parent the kid you have today. Love her, celebrate her and make sure that she always knows you don’t want her to be anyone other than who she is. And that you, her mom, will be there. Always.

***

amelia is a mother, wife, partner and breadwinner. When not at the office she’s spending as much time as possible with her three young sons, husband and best friend. In her copious free time she knits, obsesses about science fiction and cult television, and reads way too many books. She considers her most superhero worthy act finding a couple free hours now and then to read trashy novels. Her post about the adventures of raising a young gay son are featured on Huffington Post. Read more by amelia right here.

Read more on The Parents Project, a first-of-its-kind digital resource for parents of LGBTQ kids.

Low self-esteem and body image are tough stuff, complicated even further when LGBTQ identities gets involved, too. Remember when Huffington Post blogger amelia wrote this amazing piece about exactly that? We thought we’d remind you, just in case.

getstooobsessed reblogged

riptidepublishing

accursedpeanut

captain underpants is the last place i expected to see gay representation but honestly thank god!!!!

queerbookclub

The twelfth installment of Captain Underpants, Captain Underpants and the Sensational Saga of Sir Stinks-A-Lot, reveals without fanfare that one of the main characters marries a man when he grows up: “Old Harold, his husband, and their twins”. I’ve never picked up this series, but my heart is warmed knowing this will mean the world to some young kids.

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homo-s

gaywrites

When your child is LGBT they are part of a minority. If you are like most parents and heterosexual, this is a minority that does not include you. Most of the time that’s not the case. Most minorities are based on race and religion – things that tend to run in families. History and stories are told from generation to generation. Politics are discussed over the kitchen table where everyone has the same stake. This is different. You may not be LGBT, but it is now your job to become an expert in this minority. You need to learn LGBT history, LGBT current political issues and LGBT controversies. Because you need to know your child’s history, your child’s issues, your child’s reality. This might feel uncomfortable to you, maybe even a little alien, but this is not about you. This is about your child.

Open Letter to Parents of Gay Kids: This Is Not About You | Amelia for the Huffington Post Gay Voices

Tip: Don’t read the comments. Some of them are encouraging and heartfelt, but some of them are just…not.

(via gaywrites)

So few parents get this though. it’s kind of heartbreaking to look back to your younger years and see what you had to endure. Still, it makes you the person you are today so there’s good and bad to it.

(via gay-men)

I forgot to put this one on tumblr. Enjoy!

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