矢代
Note: Due to tumblr being stupid on formatting, you might found some of the sentence indentation look weird. I couldn’t think of a good solution to fix it for now so please bear with me :)
This is an outline of Tadayoedo that sensei posted on her note blog years ago but she deleted it afterward. Unfortunately I did not save the original draft and only the Chinese translate version of this can be found.
I think this is a great outline that can give us more insight to what going inside Yashiro’s heart and I hope you guy enjoy reading it. Since this outline is translate from Japanese to Chinese and then from Chinese to English, so there are definitely a lot of meaning and feeling are loss during the process of translation, so please bear with me.
Big thanks to @domeyashiro for editing my draft, giving me advice and fixed my sloppy grammar. I could not have done this without her help❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
漂えど沈まず、されど鳴きもせず
Tadayoedo Shizumazu, Saredo Naki mo Sezu
Chinese translation by 犬山
While excitedly reading some other writer’s story outline, I thought to myself, what about mine? So, I looked back at my own outline. I merely type the story into a word file and turn it in as an outline. Short stories are about two pages. If they are continued as a series, the outline thereafter will be transferred into an excel sheet and separated according to the character and timeline.
‘Tadayoedo Shizumazu’ is a short story included in Saezuru volume one. I also wrote an outline for it and now I am posting everything here exactly intact.
Since I paste everything directly from my word file please don’t mind mistakes like incorrect spelling and messy logic lol.
It didn’t have a title at that time so it was called ‘Yashiro’.
People are full of contradictions.
They want to rape, and then they want to be raped.
They want to spoil, and then they want to be spoiled.
They want to torture, and then they want to be tortured.
As a masochist and a lecherous person, I have a lot of scars on my body.
Some are from myself, and some are from an unknown old dude.
Changing seasons are troublesome.
If I’m not extra careful, I’ll be the one in trouble.
“Your (scars), are showing”
A guy came up to me and gave me a bandage.
I accepted it gratefully, and ever since then that guy always prepares a bandage every time he sees me.
I don’t remember my classmate’s names but I remember his name.
Not knowing about my hobby he probably thought that I was a victim of domestic violence. He didn’t press the matter about my wounds. So I somehow started to feel comfortable around him and began hanging out with him. Someday I half-jokingly confessed to him, “I’m gay.” He froze instantly. And then slowly looking at me, he only said, “Is that so.” I replied yes. I found his reaction boring so I kept talking, “I’m a pervert, when I was little I was raped by the woman my dad remarried. Ever since then I haven’t been able to get sex out of my head.” Although he was surprised and his eyes widened, he still only said, “Is that so.”
My heart is like a drifting void that is filled with a big hole. Or let’s say the heart itself is like a black hole, beside that big black hole there are also sex and school. It just this kind of thing is just there, reluctantly.
One day, I heard that Kageyama’s dad who owns a private clinic got into an accident and passed away.
If I am a friend I should probably attend the funeral, right? That was a decent thought, one that I rarely have. After thinking about it, I went to the funeral pretty late that day.
Kageyama still had that stoic face as usual, but he seemed to be a little touched when he saw me.
He lowered his head and said, “Thanks.”
Watching the tears in the corners of his eyes, I was struck with an indescribable excitement.
I rushed back home, and jerked off thinking about Kageyama
In my fantasy, he wasn’t on top or bottom, there was just his crying face.
The next day I told Kageyama, “I came while imagining your crying face.”
In the end, all he did was wrinkle his face and beat me up.
He seems to have no interest in what I’m thinking and in how it will turn out to be. He probably won’t even consider why I would do that.
There really are people like that. They think that all people are the same, They think people wouldn’t walk in a direction that they themselves can’t imagine.
As a masochist, it is evident that I must be twisted to have a normal attraction toward Kagayama.
I want to hurt Kageyama.
But if he ever rejected me, it would probably hurt me. Definitely. Like a normal person.
This is obviously a weird mutation that is happening inside of me.
Kageyama had a girlfriend afterwards.
My heart started to hurt as if it was stabbed with a needle,
but it has slowly become indifferent by now.
I’m good at acting so I can act like nothing when I’m around him
My acting is pretty good that I think it might not be a bad idea to make a living out of it someday.
One day, everyone was saying that I was gay.
Probably because I was caught going to a hotel with an old dude after school. This is something that I often do.
When I was little I was described as a demon** when I got mad, but now I can endure more, even if I’m mad I just look like I’m in a daze.
Furthermore, since I went on to high school, I’ve never skipped a class, and have always behaved like a good student.
I looked at the words written on the table and the whiteboard.
“Who wrote this?”, I asked.
“I did”, some classmate who looked like a potato replied.
I kissed this laughing classmate deeply in front of everyone and crushes his balls.
I got suspended. I was overjoyed that I didn’t have to go to school, so I called an old dude over to screw around at home. Father ended up running into it and beat me up.
When we talked about which path to take after graduation, Kageyama said, “I want to become a doctor”. So you want to follow in your father’s footsteps huh? That proper lifestyle suit you. “Isn’t that good?”, I replied casually. “What do you want to become?” “Let me think~ How about an actor, what do you think?” “That might work if you want to.” “Seriously?” “I feel like you are different from the rest” “Is that so? I wonder if it’s my aura” “…” “Emm? What?” “I’m sorry” “About what?” “I probably always thought you were pitiful.” “…” “You are my friend but I can’t help but think you are pitiful.” “Why?” “Because you’re … alone. But so am I.” “Alone.” “Yes.” “Is that so?” “You are weird but not an annoying guy. You did not say that I was weird even to a person like me.”
While he said that, I realized for the first time that Kageyama wasn’t exactly normal. While I wasn’t aware of it, he had started to feel a sense of sympathy with me out of nowhere.
“You are important to me, as a friend.” I cracked up at his face and ended this conversation with my laughter. “Friend? You’re so gross.” An unnecessary laughter came over me and I could not stop laughing. I came back home in a daze but my tears started flowing. I don’t quite understand why I cry. Is it because of happiness or sadness? I can’t tell. I cried until I felt like if I cried anymore, I would drown in an ocean of tears.
Humans are full of contradictions. They are missed, and then they are not. They are lonely, and then they are not.
Irrepressible whimpering noises, echoing against the ceiling throughout the night.
It started with a first-person point of view and in the end the visual angle suddenly started switching… lol Normally in the end, a story would tell from the perspective of both sides and not from the first person, so this form of outline is probably rare to be seen.
Compared to the published story, Kageyama didn’t have a scar fetish at that time.I felt like something was missing while I was drawing the story so I added this in.I feel like the story can only be complete with this element.
On the parts that are different, some were drawn with based on my intuition, and some were drawn for logical reasons, but I felt that while I was working on the series, it would be hard to go on if I did not combine the two. It’s hard to explain it to people, so I guess being able to express something through words simply and clearly can also be counted as a talent…
**The Chinese translation use the word 般若, in the context of Noh theater, it a mask call Hannya that representing a jealous female demon.
