i can't get over vakama hordika's little fangs in web of shadows
Wait @crystaltoa THEIR RETRACTABLE?!
LIKE TOOTHLESS THE DRAGON?!
Oml the image of him as a Turaga still having them oh Mata Nui my heart-
Yep. Like Toothless the dragon!
RETRACTABLE TEEFIES!!!!!
I will never be able to watch this the same way again, Vakama is Toothless, life is good.
As a concept, this broken afterlife slaps — but it also derailed my brain and a good chunk of lore. I think it was a problem for Greg Farshty, too, since he immediately had to go back and specify why the Machine That Resurrects Everything couldn't exactly resurrect everything. (RIP Toa Mangai)
There's a lot going on with the Red Star. I think the easiest fix is to narrow the its field. Why back up millions of brains when most matoran, etc. were meant to be drones? Instead, make the Red Star a failsafe for key systems figures. Leaders. Guardians. People like Artakha, a few Order of Mata Nui members, the Toa Mata, the Great Spirit himself. Oh, and Karzahni. The Barraki. The makuta.
A few narrative implications and plot bunnies:
• Imagine accomplishing the impossible and killing a makuta, only for him to appear in a new body a few months later and tell you no matter how many times you end him, he'll always come back. He can never not come back.
• Immortality messes beings up. Die, return, die, return. After a few times, every other being feels less real than you are. Expendable.
• @herora-nuva (hi! love your work!) theorized on his YouTube channel that The Pit exists to keep the worst of the worst from being reincarnated, and that idea still tracks here. Bonus points if knowledge of the Red Star fed the Barraki's god complexes.
• Makuta Teridax can't kill specific people in his way, and that's enough motivation for him to break the afterlife. Or, if this Red Star decays on its own as the original did, the game changes drastically one day. The beings keeping him in check aren't dead, but they also aren't here, and things in the GSR are about to get messy.
• Maybe another being breaks the Red Star to keep the immortals dead. It doesn't go quite as intended.
• To modern matoran eyes, resurrected beings are...strange. The populace of the GSR has upgraded and evolved over the millennia, but the Red Star only has the original designs. Resurrected bodies can be modernized, but there's still something off about them.
• The Red Star's purpose fades from memory, but clues drift throughout the myths.
Toa Hordika pack sleeping together.
I had this idea when I remembered Matau saying something along the lines of "I better be with my pack-team!" And thought they would look lovely all snuggled together like actual rahi lmao
That was far from happening tho, they were very dysfunctional during that time 😵💫
Everyone did need a nap tho
At the gate for my flight home from visiting friends and there's a woman here with a service Shiba Inu. No pics because he has a Do Not Disturb vest and taking pics of strangers is illegal but I need to stress how ON DUTY this animal is. Ears up. Eyes doing Lazer scans of everything. Examining everyone who passes within 10ft like a security guard. Ass planted on her feet. I have never seen a dog with such intense chivalric guardian energy before. He has tiny eyebrows and they are FURROWED with concentration.
Man behind me having unhinged phone conversation. There is an internationally famous dairy in the area I was visiting and he was commissioned by the lady on the other end of the phone to collect specific cheeses from there. The lady is very high strung about the type and condition of the cheese.
The man does not know from cheese. The man "ain't never seen no cheese but orange before" and "I showed ya list to the cheese lady so if it's wrong it's her fault ok?"
I am 80% sure she sent him there for a really specific bleu cheese, 40% sure he does not have the very specific bleu cheese, and 100% sure he's done with her shit.
Our flight is delayed.
He does not have the cheeses in a cooler, just a regular backpack.
I need to emphasize that there is no cooler bag in the backpack. He has Jansport backpack that is jam-packed with cheeses. There is apparently $405 dollars worth of cheeses in that backpack, which I know because he has been trying to get the lady to venmo him the expense, which she has failed to do. It is unclear whether his relation to the lady is romantic, familial or what, but I'm leaning towards "what".
Two more people have joined us. One is a very elegant man with a perfect manicure in a tailored business suit, the other is a neon-haired person of indeterminate gender wearing a fox kirigumi. The Shiba Inu has been staring at the latter for three minutes now.
Uh oh.
Cheese man has been demanding payment because apparently he went like six hours out of his way and paid with his own money and between the cheese and price of gas, he is pretty sure he does not have enough money in his account for an Uber home.
The lady is FLABBERGASTED that he is demanding payment at all, as she was under the impression he was doing this for her out of the goodness of his heart.
He's not having it. He's insisting she told him she would pay him back- he would have gotten her maybe one cheese somewhere closer to his business in the area out of love, but he went out of his way because she agreed to pay him costs+ extra to cover it.
HE RECORDED THE CONVERSATION IN WHICH SHE PROMISED TO PAY FOR THE CHEESE, SHE'S THAT MUCH OF A FLAKE.
I am about to offer this man cash for some of these cheeses because our flight is now more delayed.
"YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS AND I FALL FOR IT EVERY TIME! NO! NO! FUCK YOU! IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA PAY ME, YOU DON'T GET FANCY CHEESE."
"OR ELSE WHAT?"
"I'm gonna-? THE BABY SHOWER? MONICA CAN'T EVEN HAVE THIS CHEESE SHE'S PREGNANT!"
"The cheese lady asked if it was for someone because the mushrooms or whatever in the cheese are dangerous for the baby or something?? You wanna poison Monica?"
"WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT THAT?"
"YEAH OF COURSE I GOT THE CHEESE, THATS WHY I DON'T GOT MONEY FOR UBER!"
"YEAH, GO TELL! GO TELL MOMMA I STOPPED YOUR STUPID ASS FROM KILLING MONICA OR THE BABY! FUCK!"
*hangs up phone*
*head in hands, borderline hyperventilating*
The man in the three piece suit is in the chair next to him. He waits a moment, then reaches into his carryon and pulls out an entire bottle of wine with the TSA pre check sticker on it, and taps cheese guy on the shoulder.
"If your friend doesn't want it, would you be amenable to having it right now?"
Naturally, I have volunteered my box of wheat thins and offered to buy one of the harder cheeses which should be fine if it makes it home.
Meanwhile, Kirigumi has noticed that the Shiba Inu is staring at her and is correctly intimidated.
1. This is some fucking great Camembert. I have compensated cheese guy accordingly. So have like six other people. He's recouped like half his losses.
2. Cheese guy is crying a little about the cash and opening up about his problems. The cheese lady is his younger sister. Suit guy is being very generous with his Pinot Blanc. We are having a picnic/improv family therapy session.
3. This is apparently the latest in a long string of his sister asking for something and then flaking when he asks to be paid back. Started with paying him back only some of what he was owed, then claiming something she paid for him was of equal value when it was not, then recently telling him his memory is wrong and he said it was a gift or that he'd do it for free.
"Yeah, the specific thing of trying to convince you your memory is unreliable is called gaslighting and it's really fucked up." I say
"yeeeeah. The other stuff I forgave because she's never really had a good job so she can't pay me back all the time but at least she was making an effort y'know? But that was. That was over the line."
"If you haven't already, check on the rest of your family's finances. My brother started trying to gaslight everyone when he started stealing from our parents." Says Pinot Blanc.
4. Shiba Inu Lady has purchased a cheddar. Apparently, the dog's name is Donut, and he's her service dog because she's severely visually impaired.
"Oh, he's a guide dog?" Asks cheese guy.
"oh, no." She laughs. "He's too short, and the way my eyes are, it's easier for me to navigate with a cane. No, the problem I have is that some morally impaired people see the cane and think they can get away with stealing my bag or assaulting me because I wouldn't be able to give a description- which is wrong, but rather than deal with that I got Donut, and he helps me by howling at anyone who gets in my personal space and biting anyone who grabs me!"
"Uh." Says Kirigumi. "He's been staring at me do I need to back up or..?"
"Ohdear! No, no- He wasn't looking at you! He loves cheese but he knows he's not supposed to beg so he decided the way to deal with something he wants but can't have is to stare in the other direction."
"OKAY!" Says Kirigumi. "I'm wearing fox pajamas and thought like. He thought I was another dog or something."
"No, no- he doesn't care about dogs, and you get a warning before he goes for the calves. Very helpful, when I was living in Italy!"
"Oh what part? I have family in Tuscany." Says Pinot.
"Does he want a cheese? There is still so much cheese." Says cheese guy.
Plane may be arriving. I am paying for in flight WiFi to keep y'all updated.
1. Cheese guy has sold all but two or three cheeses that he an Pinot are going to eat on the flight.
2. I know they're planning to continue because Pinot talked to the gate agent so he and cheese guy can sit together and talk about family drama and cheese.
3. Pinot has been teaching him about different types of cheese and how to enjoy them.
4. Cheese guy apparently repairs computers and other technology devices for a living and is currently doing the software version of scraping barnacles and other crap off Pinot'macbook.
5. Pinot is now convinced that cheese guy is the smartest and most interesting man in the world.
Vakama: Poker. Counts cards. Plays dumb about it without actually denying that’s exactly what’s up. He can do this with many card games, but Go Fish never got him tackled by Onewa, so. No poker.
Matau: Charades. He doesn’t even need the Mask of Illusion, his creativity is 100 and his dignity is 0. His team will win. Also sweeps the entertainment category of trivia games.
Whenua: Charades, but for exactly the opposite reason as Matau. He is hopeless and your team will lose. Overthinks every prompt and his clues are obtuse at best.
(“The card says ‘gukko,’ why did you start stomping??” “Because gukko derives from the Old Matoric ‘ugukk,’ meaning ‘stomp,’ describing their nesting habit of stamping in a perfect circle-")
Also opposite of Matau, he wipes the floor with every trivia category except entertainment.
Nuju: Chess. Duh. And he refuses to go easy on anyone. The only person who plays him is Vakama, but even he only wins 16% of the time.
Nokama: Any word game, at all, ever. Did you think she was too nice to be competitive? Think again. Words are her thing, and being willing to die for her team doesn’t mean she'll let any of them beat her at her thing. She kicks ass at Pictionary, too.
Onewa: Jenga. He has an artist’s fine motor skills and an architect’s intuition for structure. Jenga is also banned after The Incident — Onewa has not beat the “moved the floor during Matau’s turn” allegations.
I have precicely zero evidence to back this opinion up but
The Toa Metru were probably the greatest team of toa in the entire Matoran Universe.
This is not because they're the most powerful, (that's the toa nuva)
Or the oldest (Lesovikk's team), iirc the Metru were only toa for 3 years, tops.
It's because every. single. one. fights dirty, is completely unpredictable, or is just completely unhinged.
They're toa speedrunners.
They punched through the GSRs face
They took the entire population of metru nui, the largest city in the matoran universe, and flew them somewhere else.
They got the visorak horde to just get up and go home, while outwitting the most notorious backstabber in the known universe
They sucker punched the master of the xanatos gambit Makuta Teridax.
Vakama held the concept of time hostage.
They found Ko Metru's bigfoot and got him to casually un hordika them and fight the visorak
They may be dysfunctional as hell, but I dont think anyone could have gotten away with half of what they managed.
I dont think any other toa team would even believe everything the toa metru did.
Admittedly most of the crazy is Vakama's doing, but still. Wild.
And to cap all of that off, Almost no one knows that they even freakin existed.
I think my favourite thing is that individually, they probably seem fairly typical for their respective Matoran types. Put two or more of them together, however, and suddenly you've got the most chaotic shenanigans you've ever seen.
I think my favourite chaotic combos are Whenua and Nuju, as well as Matau and Nokama (but specifically as Hordika).
Whenua and Nuju because it's two stuffy academics who never go outside, how much trouble can they get into? Nuju, who has an advanced understanding of physics and can calculate almost anything instantly, but very limited practical knowledge on anything outside of that. Highly logical but surprisingly lacking in common sense (and also patience). And Whenua, who has knowledge in spades and errs on the side of caution, but tends to freeze up when it's time to act and would really rather somebody else do the whole thinky planny bit. Hence, Nuju generally doesn't listen to Whenua even when he really should, but Whenua does listen to Nuju ...even when he maybe should not.
Matau and Nokama Hordika because they both have this reaction of "I can't take you ANYWHERE!" towards each other's behaviour and will then turn around and do something even more insane themselves. Gaaki and Iruini are probably thinking, "WHY did we leave them alone together?"
tags by @muaka-safari
Vakama would've enabled Onewa's high-risk-high-reward plans. He could crunch many of the numbers necessary in most situations to make them work. And Onewa would be like, This plan of yours sounds completely unhinged. Count me in.
always headcanon that one of the Toa Mahri is incredibly squeamish and can't stand the sight of any injury but i can never decide which one. eh maybe all of them. and trying to deal with an injury is the most chaotic nightmare any of them have ever had. who knows
most of the time they come across as very put-together for their newness but when this happens more experienced Toa are like "someone help these children"
Given their various life experiences, it probably figures that they’d be okay with dealing with their own injuries, but maybe they freak out if it’s somebody else.
Hahli’s a wreck because she never learned how to heal and she’s fretting about whether she should try it anyway or whether something very bad will happen.
Nuparu’s like ”Okay maybe I can fix... (sees the organic bits involved) uh, okay, no, I can’t...”
Hewkii knows a bit about sporting injuries and can improvise a stone splint for broken limbs etc, but anything else and his brain just nopes out of there.
Kongu’s probably the most level headed but reverts to Broad Treespeak when stressed and nobody else understands what he is trying to say. He’s forgotten the Matoran word for bandage and wonders why nobody is bringing him some damn squeeze-ribbons like he asked.
Jaller’s fake-calm mode is pragmatic to the point of being very unhelpful by reassuring the victim that they have at least a 60% chance of survival as long as they stay still and regulate their breathing and don’t get the wound infected and
whoever's injured, fighting to stay conscious amid all their screaming and reassuring and confusion: if I survive this I'm going to kill all of you
How dare @gryphongirl hide these in the tags etc. etc.
I got to hold a 500,000 year old hand axe at the museum today.
It's right-handed
I am right-handed
There are grooves for the thumb and knuckle to grip that fit my hand perfectly
I have calluses there from holding my stylus and pencils and the gardening tools.
There are sharper and blunter parts of the edge, for different types of cutting, as well as a point for piercing.
I know exactly how to use this to butcher a carcass.
A homo erectus made it
Some ancestor of mine, three species ago, made a tool that fits my hand perfectly, and that I still know how to use.
Who were you
A man? A woman? Did you even use those words?
Did you craft alone or were you with friends? Did you sing while you worked?
Did you find this stone yourself, or did you trade for it? Was it a gift?
Did you make it for yourself, or someone else, or does the distinction of personal property not really apply here?
Who were you?
What would you think today, seeing your descendant hold your tool and sob because it fits her hands as well?
What about your other descendant, the docent and caretaker of your tool, holding her hands under it the way you hold your hands under your baby's head when a stranger holds them.
Is it bizarre to you, that your most utilitarian object is now revered as holy?
Or has it always been divine?
Or is the divine in how I am watching videos on how to knap stone made by your other descendants, learning by example the way you did?
Tomorrow morning I am going to the local riverbed in search of the appropriate stones, and I will follow your example.
The first blood spilled on it will almost certainly be my own, as I learn the textures and rhythm of how it's done.
Did you have cuss words back then? Gods to blaspheme when the rock slips and you almost take your thumbnail off instead? Or did you just scream?
I'm not religious.
But if spilling my own blood to connect with a stranger who shared it isn't partaking in the divine
I don't know what is.
This is the axe
My knuckle rests exactly in the triangular plane just above the orange intrusion, and my thumb on the plane with the white patches.
How many hands held it just like that? How many generations was this passed down? Were you lost? or did you fall into disuse when technology improved?
Do you still desire to be held?
"can't emphasize enough that it has a LOT of claws and it is NOT happy. good luck out there."
Kualus probably stopped wearing his scarf as a Rahaga after he tried to use his back mounted Rhotuka for the first time and nearly throttled himself.
Iruini never let him hear the end of it.
Had to draw that lmaooo poor Kualus
In his flashback sequence about Mavrah, Whenua seems to be a biologist or zoologist. He’s one of only three people studying dinosaurs/sea monsters in an extremely secret project, so he clearly knows his stuff.
But when we meet Whenua later he’s an “archivist” — a broad title, but he seems like more of a librarian. He mentions cataloguing. Toa Lhikan finds him doing what looks like data entry on an exhibit of nondescript mechanical bits.
After Whenua almost died on the job, after the project was scrapped and Mavrah vanished (presumed dead), when all he and Onepu could do was mourn privately and keep their mouths shut…I bet Whenua transferred himself to a different field.
Updated the Ta-Metru Trio Stuff!!!
This one was inspired by a reblog from @sammykat2hb-blog
Hope you enjoy!!
I love it!!
Reblog with your favourite piece of Cursed Bionicle Lore.
agori biologically reproduce and therefore may have cock and balls
The roomba bugs that are piloted by starfish masks are made from people
The villain was a scientist/janitor who got fed up with people and wanted more respect so he got his other scientist/janitors together and they planned to kill god, even though they lived inside god and were essentially contractors who made the ecosystem
A gang once took over what was likely the gut of god and used the villain as a weapon as the villain and his race evolve like pokemon into gas
Cthulu was once the project manager but after god was made he was imprisoned inside god’s body
God killed the villain with a small body and making the villain suffer a head woumd caused by a moon
The entire plot was caused by the discovery of some weird as heck oil that resulted in a war the fucked up the planet as everybody wanted to be america and have the oil
Romance is somehow not canon despite evidence suggesting otherwise
Oh i also forgot to add:
A precursor scientist hid himself in god and accidentally gave everyone sentience
The most hated dude ever sold footballs (soccer balls for those where its called soccer) that were diseased
There are two Jesus’s. The first one was the first being ever made to work in god and as such has many diffnces between himself and the final product. The second jesus ran a petshop and translated for his village elder who spoke exclusively in bird
The weird oil was sentient
Some dude single handedly sunk part of an island by destroying the islands umbilical cord (their words not mine)
A scientist/janitor left his pet rock on an island where everyone has titties. The rock grew into a mountain that eats people who climb it. The titty people has a coming of age rituals where you climb and survive vore mountain
The blue Visorak have inflation powers.
A villain of a subseries of books was a giant sentient plant, the heros later use his corpse as a makeshift boat
The big item that everyone’s fighting over in 2006-2008 is basically god’s defibrillator. It is sentient, tends to curse people, and turns itself into a person in 2008. It has the mind of a child and this is very scary because it can make you stop breathing if you scare it.
At the end of 2008 two of the heroes basically browbeat the godbaby into killing themselves so they can get their job done quicker. Then in 2009-2010 they get their mind suppressed by god who eventually just goes to sleep, not even doing anything with the godbaby he’s possessing. It’s extremely fucked up.
One of the antagonists of 2007 is a dead guy who has been cloned by the defibrillator, except he was also transformed from a villager and this is never again addressed. The secret police faction just go “Oh hey we got our jailer back” and nobody raises the question of what happened to that yellow guy.
One of the heroes makes a macguffin that controls time. It immediately becomes the lynchpin of all time in the universe. At one point he threatens to smash it with a hammer to make the villain back the fuck off. The time mask is generally more trouble than its worth and nobody has ever been able to use it properly.
One of the janitor/scientists rules over Bionicle Hell and he curbstomps six of the heroes at once, until one of them hit him with a massive tsunami that destroyed Bionicle Hell. The janitor/scientist promptly got up, dried himself off, and murdered the giant toothy bunnyman with a single attack.
The villains of 2007 were a bunch of former kings who were all supposed to be extremely hot, and then they went to Sea Jail and got mutated into things out of Lovecraft’s nightmares. They have crossbows that fire vampiric squids for ammunition.
God learnt life lessons from a retired gladiator champion, a cranky gladiator rookie and a kleptomaniac midget
The strongest clan on the Mad Max planet exiled all their women because they possessed psychic powers and could literally kill the men with a thought
There’s tiger and bull species that have caterpillar tracks instead of rear legs and no one questions it
Crabs are still the pinnacle of evolution
Bionicle Godzilla has gotten into a fight with a kaiju scorpion from a pocket dimension, a dragon that literally produces infinite energy and another dragon that bathes in lava
There’s most likely a swarm of roomba bugs piloted by starfish masks still in orbit when a roided out roomba bug with Gravity powers sent them there
The roided out green roomba bug is also probably still in orbit too when his Vacuum powers sent him careening into space
Bionicle Satan is an atheist because he didn’t realize time was passing outside Bionicle Hell
A hero team got turned into their fursonas by spiders but saved their city by teaming up with deformed seniors and Magic Bigfoot
The Bionicle Godfather hired a super stretchy elastic man to follow him everywhere and immediately kill him if he ever got soft
Skeleton orc pirate gangsters have a rap song
There’s a star that’s actually a resurrection facility but it malfunctioned so now the crew horrifically dissect everyone else
Hmm, been a while since I contributed to one of these. Let’s see…
- Most of the main characters are energy vampires that suck the life force out living things through their hands instead of eating normally. They consider eating with one’s mouth to be disgusting
- Most characters believe there is an omnipresent force driving every action in the universe and that all events are predetermined. This is treated as a good thing and it is considered morally right to strive to uphold this predetermined outcome
- There is evidence to suggest this belief is false and the characters do have free will, but the series’ creators insist the predetermination is real and incontrovertible
- The villain’s ultimate plan was to oust God from his body and replace him with himself, thus becoming the new God. However, had he done nothing, this would have happened anyway, as the original plan of God’s creators was for God to leave his body and inhabit a new one, at which point the villain would have replaced him as God in the first body. Because of the villain’s actions, this plan failed, and God instead inhabited an old, broken down, prototype of his body. Thus, the location of the intended second God-body is still unknown
- The villains of the fifth story year were spiders whose venom, among other things, allowed those injected with it the ability to become horny
- The oldest being inside God was a three-time amnesiac with ADHD who had the ability to shoot lasers. This knowledge was removed from his mind likely in part so that he did not accidentally destroy the universe. This same individual has recently rediscovered his laser powers, and also that he possesses the capacity to move at lightspeed. Nothing is safe
- An engineer discovered how to hack brains and invented police robots who carried brainwash batons. He later made boxing mechs out of the roombas that used to be people. Their existence is not addressed after the reveal of the roombas’ origins
- There is a nigh-immortal light-being who does not need food, heat, air, or sleep to survive. He wears roller skates and canonically possesses no moral flaws whatsoever.
The series’ primary writer has made a concerted effort to retcon out the existence of doors and fingers. This makes absolutely no sense but he still tried.
Magic Bigfoot looks like he has one eye, but that eye is fake and he actually has two real eyes hiding behind it. This was a retcon made by the writer for literally no reason, and the only effect it has on the wider canon is making a good line from the third movie make no sense.
In 2005 they added a lizard-dominatrix with titties as the main antagonist of the year’s plot. Thanks to comic art and a general “No sexual dimorphism rule” it was swiftly canonised that her entire species look like that, including the men.
The robo-hobbits at the core of the story are God’s brain cells. Despite his ambition to become God, the main villain spent the better part of a millennium tormenting, threatening, and otherwise killing the people he hoped would be his brain cells.
The light-elemental robo-hobbits live in God’s heart and the atmosphere there makes them grow like Mario eating a mushroom. The lone Light hero goes there and becomes the tallest motherfucker in the universe for a hot minute.
The Scientist-Janitors have nearly 50 powers, some of which are hilariously broken, others of which are just stupid. This is because they were stated to have all the powers of their primary soldiers, but then Lego made the slug guys that power said soldiers in 42 different flavours for reasons known only to them.
At the end of the story, one of the protagonists gets all the powers of the Scientist-Janitors, or at least a significant portion of them.
One of the scientist-janitors just one day decided to stop talking. Forever. He still communicates with the others via telepathy, but refuses to his his voicebox.
The ongoing plotlines when the series was cancelled included, among other things: “God’s creators were made smart by a Elder God who caused mass genocide by eating dreams. Elder God rewrites the plot so a group of main characters are the subs for lizard dominatrixes, but then Elder God gets yeeted into the nope dimension by an Hot Topic-brand edgelord with a spider-themed monster truck.” “Let’s have a murder mystery party because Colonel Mustard killed off Cthulhu in the desert with the candlestick and- oh wait just kidding the butler did it so he could overthrow God again.” “Oh hey remember that guy who bitchslapped the Macguffin that makes things alive and now the furniture around him starts screaming with existential dread when he walks by, well guess what he got loose that’s probably bad I guess.” “Oldest Guy in The World fell through a wormhole but that’s okay because he posts regular update blogs on his Livejournal, haha that selfie from the Hell Dimension is so #relatable.” “Oh hey guys I forgot to mention there’s a giant killer robot roaming the world and it murders anything holding a weapon and also someone gave it Avatar powers now I guess, welp I sure hope that doesn’t become plot-relevant later.”
The previously mentioned scientist janitors can create warrior servants for themselves by forming part of their essence into a superpowered slug and then evolving/ mutating it.
The truly distressing part is that they were able to this even before they became sentient gas clouds, implying that they had specialised organs for gestating and birthing slugs
- In one short story a group of roomba bugs that had lost their starfish brains are hijacked by a group of vaguely malevolent worms. This is never mentioned again
- One of the scientist janitors spent his time visiting alternate universes and kidnapping the Light-powered Oldest Guy in God from each one, bringing them back to his own universe and draining them of their goodness-juices until they were eeeeeevil. They’re all on the loose now
- The main evil scientist/janitor is dead, and has been replaced with a shiny, Light-powered, good guy version of himself from another alternate universe. The reason he is there is because a secret agent and his arch-nemesis accidentallied their way into good guy janitor’s universe, and his bosses wanted to keep the arch-nemesis for dissection and offered good guy janitor as a trade to keep the universes in balance. The secret agent accepted the deal and the arch-nemesis was never seen again
- Six main characters briefly wore fleshy, living, and seemingly sentient masks, all of which presumably died when they were transformed into non-living scuba gear
- The scuba-gear on all the later sets in the Underwater Year are actually gills. For reasons known only to the writers, gills just happen to look like air hoses.
- Most hobbit tribes are mono-gender, and most of them are male for toy-marketing reasons. All of the female-locked elements are coincidentally blue, either as their primary or secondary colour.
- Heroes with plant powers have had like three different names for their element that have gotten worse with each iteration, and were originally going to be another female-locked element, but the writer made a typo and now they’re dudes. They are also partially blue.
- The first hero with psychic powers was a dude, and he fucked up at his job so badly that the creators opted to make all of the subsequent members of the subspecies female.
- The rulers of each hobbit settlement have a hobbit-making machine they can use in case too many hobbits die.
- The gender-lock can technically be inverted by the hobbit-making machine if the people operating it feel like doing so.
- The greatest heroes of the series spent so long in their personal escape pods that their organic parts rotted away and their bodies fell apart. When they woke up on the island they put themselves back together and grew their organs back.
- The original leader of Scientist-Janitors was initially presented as this calm, wise, and dignified figure, but then halfway through 2008 an official contest run by Lego canonised that he looked like a big dragon, and then the writer responded by making him spend the rest of the series as a perpetually-enraged Kaiju that flew around voring his former underlings and almost punched God’s brain to death in an attempt to kill the villain. The villain responded by turning him into a painting, or rather, putting him in an illusion so realistic that he thought he was a painting and stood in the corner of the room for like six months.
- There was a hero team that had like ten people on it and four of them were Ice-elementals. Most of them got super-murdered, one turned traitor because he was horny and another decided she was going to be a fascist. The last member was a total king though.
- There’s an alternate universe where the fascist Water Toa became an actual dictator and ruled over the universe.
- The leader of the CIA actually had two CIAs, one of which disbanded. Both were named after god-figures she hadn’t met at the time she founded the organisations.
- There’s a very buff man with yaoi hands that once almost conquered the universe because he was bored, before he joined the CIA. He later had a very long and bitter spat with his husband that they mostly resolved before the husband got possessed by a bunch of Scientist-Janitor Foetuses.
- Yaoi Hands’ husband briefly became a Reddit Atheist.
- The CIA once kidnapped a bunch of Light Hobbits and brainwashed them into thinking they were hobbits of other elements and then scattered them throughout God’s body to hide them from the Scientist-Janitors, who weren’t even evil yet.
- Cthulhu exists. He delivers exposition to the Suicide Squad, sends a message to God that we never see God receive, and is then exploded by a God-Hobbit.
- There are also a bunch of locations named after Cthulhu, none of which have any links to him.
- At one point, the leader of the CIA, Yaoi Hands, Yaoi Hands’ possessed husband, the fascist Water Toa, the Vore-Kaiju-Scientist-Janitor, and Cthulhu had a fight in God’s brain, until the other God showed up to tell them to stop being fucking stupid.
- There’s a space-station that brings the dead back to life, and is also God’s jetpack.
The CIA paroled two of the formerly-hot lovecraftian kings to be a part of the Suicide Squad, and later did the same for the rest. Since they breathe water, they had to wear fishbowls on their heads the whole time.
There used to be sea monsters in the memory center of God’s brain, but after some of them almost killed a hobbit, the mayor ordered the robot cops to exile them and kill any that returned. Hobbit Newt Scamander/Steve Irwin decided to take them with him and flee to the caves in God’s skull. Because of this, he was the only brain-cell hobbit to escape having his memory wiped by the chief Scientist-Janitor. He then drowned and was revived in the Purgatory space station.
- It is implied that there is an entire multi-species civilization that exists underwater inside God, as we meet multiple characters who belong to aquatic species. This civilization is never explored and only ever mentioned in passing, even in the year that took place entirely underwater.
- The CIA permanently fused giant claws made of super-metal to the hands of every member of one of the aquatic species, since the super-metal was the only substance able to damage the scientist-janitors’ armour and they wanted to have an entire species of scientist-janitor killers at the ready just in case the scientist janitors ever turned evil, which they eventually did, almost 100 millennia later. It is never explained how or why this aquatic species kept quiet about how and why they got their claws, but they clearly did, since no one knew the CIA existed until God was almost dead (the second time).
- The snake-titties people’s main export is batshit insane weaponry. Some of their inventions include: an exploding rock that covers targets in sticky goo, a rifle that launches naturally-occurring lightbulbs, a revolver that shoots fireworks, a massive battle axe that can heat or cool its blades with built-in fans and also features dual energy wheel launchers, and a really big gun that literally shoots motivation or depression depending on how much the shooter likes the target.
- Speaking of the energy wheels, every creature inside God has the power to make one, but can only do so while holding an artificial launcher for them. Some species have such launchers naturally, but most don’t. Also, every sapient being’s wheel power is unique. There is no way to predict what the power will be, and it can be literally anything, ranging from fixing boo-boos, to turning you into a sub, to literally making you stop existing for a little while.
- In God’s brain, frisbees have superpowers. The first of these powers, literally labelled #1, makes any matter the frisbee hits randomly reconstitute itself into a new shape and material. This includes living beings, and while the effect is temporary, it is described as an extremely disorienting and painful process. Everyone in the city-brain carried these at one point.
- Only neurodivergent robo-hobbits can evolve into superheroes.
Everyone on the Mad Max Thunderdome planet fights by launching durians at each other. As expected, these are edible when ripe. As UNexpected, they turn into grenades when overripe, and there is a species of scorpions that wait for this to happen because that’s how they hunt.
Some of the robohobbits play catch with the body horror frisbees for fun.
One of the heroes in the prequel arc got temporarily fused with a cave wall and was conscious during the whole thing. Unfusing him was a touchy process and dude was not okay for a minute.
The citizens of God’s Brain live in fear of authoritarian robocobs with mind-control powers and no chill. Said robocops had really 1984-esque flash animations, but the full ramifications of their existence was never fully explored in the movies or books.
Both the CIA and the mafia perform horrific experiments on their members. You might get permanent and inconvenient invisibility. You might turn into a giant praying mantis. How either of these organizations retains membership is a mystery.
thinking about Onua with perfect auditory retention and Kopaka with perfect photographic memory. don't say anything or do anything you don't want them to be able to recall in complete detail for the rest of eternity. Artakha thought they might need to solve a murder together one day (they will), and also that Lewa might need the help remembering... anything. hey he has good muscle memory okay
I have to tell you I have heard about Tahu being better at math than Kopaka before and I have to tell you. as an enormous fan of his. I LOVE bad-at-math Kopaka. I imagine him giving a rapid-fire, tactically brilliant battle plan that is understandable, succinct, and inspiring all at the same time. then Tahu asks him how many Toa per entryway he thinks he will ideal, accounting for their total number, and his brain short-circuits. oh no
He *did* fuck up rowing that ice boat
Kopaka's thought process: I know I need to calculate the thickness of the ice, the temperature of the lava, the rate at which the lava will melt the ice, the resistance of the lava to my movement, the rate at which I can row, the distance of the lake, accounting for the return journey, and the rate at which my energy will deplete in relation to the temperature and to the physical prowess required to complete this task
Also Kopaka's thought process: unfortunately, I can't do any of those calculations, so fuck it
Favorite part of this:
[Image desription: The Toa of Ice started pulling open doors on the run. "I never imagined being a Toa would involved searching for so many things. I thought Toa had everything they needed."
"Maybe not," said Whenua. "Maybe Toa are just the only ones who have the power to find what has to be found."
The Toa of Earth yanked another door open. An avalanche of Metru Nui artifacts tumbled out, knocking him off his feet und burying him beneath a pile of tools, masks, stone tablets, and more.
For a moment, all was silent. Nuju took a step toward the pile when the artifacts started to shift. Then Whenua's hand shot out of the pile, holding the Great Disk.]
----
The comedic timing is hilarious, I'm laughing so hard at this scene. Even Nuju is amused.
This passage is also hilariously ironic when thinking back to the Toa Mata / Nuva's search for stuff on Mata Nui.
Not to mention the hilarity of how the Great Disk even got there. I’m picturing two options:
A) Whoever hid the disk (Great Beings? Order of Mata Nui?) decided a disorganized closet was the most inscrutable hiding place and they weren’t even wrong, it stayed there for millennia.
B) Some archivist stumbled upon the disk Indiana Jones-style in a much more dramatic location, shrugged their shoulders, and chucked it in said closet. (Bonus points if they realized what it was later and tried to go back for it, but couldn’t remember which closet.)
