Hey @gayerthanthat and @sazialovesziam, thanks so much for reblogging the post I made asking for feedback on some writing I wasn’t too sure about and for so kindly offering to help—sorry for taking a while to repond 🙈. So I thought the easiest thing to do would be to make a post with the snippet and tag you (hope that’s ok?).
By way of a bit of background, this snippet is from part two of my fic Everybody’s Got to Learn Sometime (I posted part one ages ago, it’s here if you haven’t read it or if you’re interested, but it’s ok either way ☺️). Zayn, a very famous and very jaded pop star and Liam, an up and coming singer, have met up in Zayn’s suite for a rendezvous after meeting for the first time that afternoon at their label’s Coachella party. This scene starts when things are just starting to get interesting, so to speak, but then something happens to derail it a bit!
My concern with this part of the story is that it’s too wordy and a bit too soppy or overly sentimental? Like it seemed like a good idea at the time but when I started to write it I began to wonder if it was unnecessary for the story and didn’t really add anything (or even worse detracted from it?). I feel like I tend to ramble in my writing and just start writing stuff for the sake of it, and I’m also really bad at editing myself which doesn’t help 🤦🏻♀️. So yeah, if you wouldn’t mind reading this and giving me some feedback in regards to the above concerns; also if it all makes sense and isn’t too confusing? or anything really, that would be great :) Thanks and thanks again for responding to my initial post—I really appreciate it 🙏🏻
p.s. I’ve put some under the cut because the post was getting a bit long!
p.p.s Just to warn you there’s a little bit of nsfw content (fairly tame, but still 🤷🏻♀️)
p.p.p.s If anyone else sees this post and wants to offer some feedback that would be great too!
Liam trailed his eyes over Zayn’s hair, before hesitantly bringing a hand up to brush a few stray strands away from his face. “Yeah, you’re right. It is wet. And somehow it makes you look even more beautiful than you did when I first met you.”
Zayn swallowed around nothing, suddenly feeling the need to take in a big gulp of air (not unlike the way he’d felt when Liam first turned around at the party). Liam was looking at him like he wanted to devour him and it left Zayn feeling a rare sense of vulnerability, even in the face of his earlier bravado.
“Yeah?” Zayn squeaked out, not able to think of an even remotely witty reply.
“Yeah,” Liam confirmed, his eyes falling to Zayn’s lips. “Fuck, I want to kiss you so bad. Can I?”
“Thought you’d never ask,” Zayn purred, hoping to betray an air of confidence in his voice that would belie just how nervous he was feeling in that moment. And as he leant forward it began to feel like his heart was going to beat right out of his chest, a feeling that was only magnified as Liam brought a hand up to slowly trace the sharp of his jaw, before leaning forward himself and grazing his lips ever so gently against Zayn’s.
The kiss definitely didn’t disappoint. Liam’s lips were as glorious as Zayn had expected (and hoped)—gorgeously rose pink in colour, soft and pillowy, yet still unmistakably those of a man, firm and self-assured. Zayn suspected no words could truly do them justice, but one thing he did know for sure was that it was shaping up to be one of the best first kisses he’d ever shared with someone.
Liam brought a hand up to cup the back of his neck, his tongue flicking against Zayn’s bottom lip before cocking his head to the side and deepening the kiss. Zayn was more than happy to reciprocate as he parted his lips; Liam not needing a second invitation as he licked into his mouth, surprising in his boldness.
