An Ode to Older Siblings: New in Dead Friends Forever, Episode 9
Spoilers ahead for Dead Friend Forever Episode 9. Allusions to suicide and all other triggers that have accompanied this show will be here. Tagging @slayerkitty for the DFF Meta compilation.
Can you imagine New, who sacrificed his relationship with his little brother to make it into a university abroad with a scholarship, one that would open opportunities that Thailand did not have to offer him, having to come back on a plane ride? A minimum of 12 hours in a plane, in an airport, packed with people going on business trips and vacations, yet where nobody knows that you're going to back home to a hell that you never could have imagined? It was supposed to be a holiday for him, a chance to see his family again after months of being apart.
But instead, his baby brother was now missing. The same baby brother that had given up on having any semblance of a relationship with him because he felt abandoned, forgotten. His little brother who would find no difference if he was abroad or not, because it's not like Tan had ever paid him any attention when he was so focused on just getting out of their home. But New was trying, extending an olive branch, hoping that Non would accept even the smallest bit of it. He'll bring him the best snacks that England has to offer, he'll listen to any problems that Non may have, even while he's thousands of miles away. But no calls ever came from his little brother's number. No, he hadn't even known that Non had gotten into trouble until his mother called him. Non's missing.
And, now he's returning home. The snacks that he had promised Non probably weighed like a ton of bricks as he carried them, they were his burden to carry. Maybe if he had been there a little more for Non, had been a little bit more present, maybe Non would have reached out. Maybe he wouldn't have had to turn to his tutor. His home is broken, but it's still a home. He's the oldest, he's the one that has to repair it when his parents can't.
He knows his mom had mentioned Non's boyfriend in passing before, even though Non had never told him directly. So he had searched through Non's belongings, looking for his number, hoping that Phee might have more information. He's doesn't, they're both at a loss. Maybe Phee didn't know Non as well as he thought he did, but New knows his brother. Non was never good with his words, never good at speaking directly of the problems he faced, but he would have left a sign, something, that might show them what demons he was facing alone.
So, he pretends that he can go back to his life in England, pretends for his parents' sake, so they don't have to worry about their only other son. But he can't, not when his little brother is out there...alone, again. He takes a leave of absence from school. Maybe it's crazy, reckless, but he puts himself back in high school. If the cops won't give him answers, then he'll get them himself. He forges his records, pretends that he was Non's same age, changes his identity. He's now Tan. A new kid that just happened to meet Phee at the office on their first day of school. Tan can charm his way into the same friend group that likely destroyed his brother. Tan can dig for the answers that nobody was willing to get.
And Phee helps, maybe he helps a little too much and little too close. For a moment, a part of New's heart breaks for his baby brother, as he sees his boyfriend get close to one of the bastards that had a hand in Non's disappearance. Maybe this is why Non always felt abandoned. So New smokes, one pack turns into hundreds more. A bad habit that he picked up with his English friends as they hit the pubs. It's the only sense of normalcy he has anymore.
He builds a makeshift lab with the money his parents wired him, nothing like the state-of-the-art equipment that he had grown accustomed to at his university, but it was enough. He researches, he experiments with the one concoction that might finally get Non's friends to tell him the truth. He's so close to perfecting it. Then his dad calls, and it feels strange. He rarely talked to his dad, it's his mom that usually calls him. Mom's dead. For a moment, he forgets that he was supposed to be in England, that he was never supposed to be in Thailand. He's not Tan anymore, he's just New. His house isn't just broken anymore, it's crumbling.
His father resents him. He's drunk and he's spitting fire, New can't blame him. Afterall, he is a liar. He lied that he was back at university, back in England. He never visited his mom when they were only miles away from each other and now she's dead as well. Was Non right all those years ago? Does he abandon everyone? He was never his dad's favorite, he knew that, but how he could he go and leave him behind too?
Now there was no broken house, no dilapidated house, no place that he called home. He couldn't fix this anymore. And he's tired, he's so tired. There's nothing for him to salvage anymore. Maybe if he takes a hit of his own concoction, he can end his pain as well. But Non... Non deserves justice and New is so scared, scared of failing him again. He wants this to end, he can't save anyone. But Phee arrives and holds him steady, lets him cling tightly to his shirt like he used to cling to his mother as a child.
Maybe he won't live for himself anymore. This all started with the bastards who were supposed to be his brother's friends. They cost him his whole family. No. he wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of destroying his home, of destroying his baby brother. He once told Non that he would steal his novel, get it sold for other people to read. Maybe it can't be sold anymore, but maybe Non's story can finally be told as Non had wished.
How could New have ever known that getting onto that plane would just be the prelude to the hell that he was about to raise? He's the oldest brother of the family, he was supposed to protect them, take his responsibility for his parents and his baby brother, but he failed. His dad was right, he wasn't a good enough son or brother, but maybe this could be the start of his atonement.
