dear god please let our new baby octopus feel confident enough to move out of her corner hiding spot today while i’m on exhibits so i can see her properly for the first time amen
she stuck out a single arm before changing her mind and deciding the rest of the tank is too scary, far too scary by far she is scared
hey boss i can't come in today it's a sunny day and there's a lovely breeze coming in through my window, yeah it's rustling the branches of the tree outside that's finally bloomed so it's pretty serious
thanK you aIMee might actually be the funniest, most sagittarius thing taylor swift has ever done. she’s like “i’m clinically insane over this dude and everyone hates him someone lock me up” and “this other dude is too sad, doesnt want to marry me, and stole my youth whatever”
but kim k? fuck you kim k. just in case you forgot.
I think the only person I've met in real life with 100% career satisfaction was this gal I knew who was a presenter at a children's science museum and delivered every line like she was running a WWE match. Every time you passed the room where she was giving a presentation, you'd hear something like "WHO'S READY FOR CEPHALOPODS?!?" and the kids would go absolutely nuts cheering.
if you told vin diesel fast and the furious you were gay he'd be like "Some people like driving stick…some people like driving automatic…what matters is you cross the finish line.." and then he'd rev up a dodge challenger and drive through a building and kill 16 people
he literally did in the fourth one when he's asked if he likes cars more than women
If you asked if he was cool with trans people, he'd probably say "sometimes, aftermarket parts are the only way to get the vehicle you really want. Everyone should have the right to hot rod."
I don’t care about it at all (I have carried its weight around like a rock on my chest since the very day it happened)
you can click on this button once daily to help palestine and support other causes in the middle east for free. it takes literally 5 seconds and could help save lives so please take the time to click and share this link.
"Capitalism breeds innovation" girl there are only five websites left and they all look the same
staying close w people long distance really is about the mundane stuff. i get texts like "made quesadillas" "spilled mop water all over the floor :(" "lady on the bus has not one not two but three tiny dogs in her purse" andits like wow. i love you more than words can express
happy 100k to the realest post ive ever made
#This is probably the funniest running joke we have had in years
If this ain't me
Me, bleeding profusely from a missing leg as I’m being dragged onto the beach: THIS WAS A STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY OCCASION, IF THE SHARK WANTED ME DEAD I WOULD BE DEAD. SHARKS ARE IMPORTANT FOR THEIR ECOSYSTEMS I DO NOT CONDONE ANY ATTEMPTS TO HUNT THIS SHARK
if an animal kills me, that was on ME. it caught ME slackin. let it eat me
If you're in the animals house, you can't be upset when he asks you to leave.
My ancestors died because they were born a long time ago
Don't forget to sleep on your neck at a weird angle tonight. I love you
