Divine Protection Package
Azel: (polite voice) It's almost here.
Emma: (still recovering from hauling stuff to the temple all morning) What...?
Azel: (benevolent smile) A terrible affliction of the body will come to grip you in less than two days' time.
Azel: Indeed. And while not life-threatening, usually, your experience will only be that of pain and suffering.
Azel: Something so unspeakable that it makes even God break out in a cold sweat. But fret not, for I've outlined a—
Azel: (frowns for a second) Yes, a payment plan. (pulls the document out from nowhere) As usual, you have several tiers to choose from based on your financial ability.
Emma: (looks through) As usual, I can just barely afford the cheapest tier. What's in these packages? What exactly am I paying for?
Azel: God's Divine Protection, obviously. You are always free to decline and endure the cataclysm alone though.
Emma: I don't think I want to risk it. Your 0% failure rate freaks me out more than anything.
Azel: So it goes. Please fill out this form here, and please stay as far away from me and the temple for the next five to eight days.
Emma: (moaning in bed two days later) Oh god, it's... it's happening... it's... it's...
Emma: Wait a minute. This is just my period.
Emma: (opens up the Divine Protection Package) Aw, Azel...
Azel's Note: (after taking five attempts to decipher the handwriting) I figured you'd go for the cheapest tier, so I tossed in some extra stuff from the higher ones. Only SOME stuff, okay? Don't go thinking I put everything I had into this one box. I'm already operating at a loss here. Anyway, I meant it. Stay the hell away from me until you're done. If you need me for anything, just get some sleep. Get some sleep anyway. But I'll come meet you in your dreams.