•Char.Char•

If you’re looking for a sign to cut a toxic family member out of your life, this is that sign

Sadia Hakim

why my family makes me feel i have no family at all

Ive been seeking leftover parts of you in other people’s bed, but i guess thats the way life goes when you refuse to count your last cigarettes as blessings.

Ive been digging holes in my backyard and then forgetting what i was meant to bury in the first place, and the lemon tree has been using the soil as a starting point.

This isnt your fault because if it was id have to admit you were ever real in the first place, but it isnt my fault either because i dont want it to be. 

When you see me next tell me what you thought about when you first tasted the blood you licked from my wounds.

-if i couldn’t find your reflection in the mirror i’d draw it in

On some days I’m full of laughter and good cheer, and on others I’m overflowing with nothing, thick pervasive nothing. I choke on nothing and it’s my friend and there’s nothing but us. There are tears but they stick to the back of my eyes, the back of my throat. They swell up my face and they scrunch up my face but I sit still. I don’t move an inch but I stir up nothing again and again. My thoughts are my enemy, they hate me and they churn me up. I sit still and a tsunami lives inside me.

©Graeae

- i haven't cried myself to sleep in a while but old habits die hard: a poem

You say “we got through it”, that it was a hell of a fight for you

What about me

The person who told you for years something was wrong, but you never listened

The person you continuously pushed further than they could mentally handle

The person you made to feel like shit everytime they didn’t get up or do what they were supposed to

I fought through my mental illness, i fought you to be heard, i fought through every shitty thing you said to me when i was struggling

You say “we”, but I did it alone

Sometimes it feels like I take up too much space

Like my presence annoys others, like I don’t quite fit into place

I’m either too loud or to soft

I don’t talk enough or I talk to much

No matter what I do I can’t seem to please you

It gets so exhausting trying to be

Something for everybody, I just want to be me

But I’m stretched too thin and I work to much

I keep giving away parts of myself and it’s never enough.

“To my parents”

-Hania Lín/ “Spoiled Milk”

I’m tired of feeling hollow and empty,

and like I should be grateful

for what I know isn’t meant for me.

I’m tired of feeling unheard and alone,

and like it’s against the rules

to change my mind when I’m grown.

I’m tired of the pressure,

from family and friends and society

to continue living as an expired version of me.

•

Cognitive dissonance is my mistress behind closed doors.

If I could go ahead and be more honest than before,

I don’t even believe in things like capitalism

or christianity anymore.

•

Does love exist without condition? 

Depends on your definition.

•

I don’t think that unconditional love

should oppose what someone does

or won’t—

or in some cases (once my own)—

who they love

if no tangible, legible damage is being done.

•

Tradition and religion are not reasonable excuses

for anyone in this world to feel excluded.

•

Unconditional love could mean

loving someone from a distance

or wishing them good riddance

because of a drug addiction or alcohol dependance;

maybe they kill people, maybe they steal,

maybe they’ve lied or wronged you at will.

•

Unconditional love is not “I love you,” but I’m going to sit

and tell everyone in the family how much I miss

the way you were when you were a kid,

before you thought for yourself or knew how to be

anything other than what you were taught by me.

•

Unconditional love is not “I love you,” but you and your wife

aren’t welcome for dinner because it isn’t right,

and your grandmother’s heart couldn’t handle the strife

knowing the truth about your way of life.

Who knows how long she’ll uphold; she is getting pretty old,

so, it’s just better your story’s left untold.

•

Unconditional love is not “I love you,” but you like to speak up,

you don’t hold your tongue, and you show too much skin

in a pair of shorts that pass your thumbs;

some of your opinions we just don’t want to hear,

and that should be made clear before you come near.

•

Unconditional love is not “I love you,” but I’m going to belittle

your hobbies and interests until your passion is crippled,

and your identity and ambition are left riddled;

your lifestyle seems incredibly unsteady,

why can’t you go to school or get married or have some kids already?

•

Decisions with no damages inflicted

are met with unwarranted incisions;

it’s always been that way;

someone has always had something to say.

•

I don’t fucking care anymore.

•

What does it mean to mind your business?

It means you don’t have any revisions

to make to someone else's choices or their appearance.

•

Stop silencing people’s voices,

ESPECIALLY our children,

creating realities that are wilted

by “unconditional love.”

— Letters from Demeter to Persephone, Nikita Gill

you are the most permanent thing in your life. always. that won’t change. ever. so put you first. prioritize you. choose you. you, you, you. your needs, your wants, your dreams, your feelings, your happiness, your peace. never sacrifice any of that, and do not spend your entire life treating people who might be temporary better than you treat yourself.

— alhwrites

especially if they act like a temporary person: bare minimum, low effort, confusing, unkind, shitty, toxic.

I feel like other people maybe have a bigger impact on me than I do on them. I adore humanity, so I tend to hold on to whoever and whatever I can. The memories, experiences, and feelings I share with another person affect me so much. They help me change and grow, molding me into a better version of myself. I think other people are so wonderful and valuable and special, even if they weren’t the nicest to me. I think about them often, and am always thankful for the time we had together. Or, at the very least, thankful for the lessons I learned from them. A part of me will miss them forever; once you’re important to me, you stay that way, however much. I still have love for everyone I’ve ever cared about, all circumstances aside. But I can’t imagine anyone feeling the same in regards to me. It’s like I’m a speck of dust on the floor of a big house, something to overlook. A word in their vocabulary that isn’t spoken often. A fleeting moment that they won’t dwell on. A temporary character, someone they’re ready to leave behind. I can’t fathom someone remembering me once we exit each other’s lives, like all I am is forgettable. It doesn’t bother me too much, I guess, because you’re supposed to move on. That’s how it is. I just hope the people I’ve met got something positive or meaningful out of their time with me.

— alhwrites