wow i forgot tumblr existed. any of my old favorite thots and friends still on here?
i dont have tits my pecs are just huge bro trust me im ripped
if rats can hold a cracker they can hold a sword
bro shut up im trying find your gspot
in multiple interviews jake gyllenhaal has said that he has no friends and i just hope he knows that it doesn’t have to be that way. i could be your friend jake. i wouldn’t mind
One of my favorite thing I’ve learned about animals studies is that you should avoid using colorful leg bands when you’re banding birds because you can accidentally completely skew the data because female birds prefer males with colorful bands
Apparently if you put a red band on a male red wing blackbird his harem size can double
So like you can completely frick up the natural reproduction of a group of birds by giving a guy a bracelet so stylish that females CANNOT resist him
Me, putting a red bracelet on the leg of a male red wing blackbird: ON GOD we gonna get u some pussy bro
me at any given time: can we just buckle down and focus on the task at hand please???
my brain:
my brain: ……….ranibow sprimkle……………
ranibow sprimkle……..
kepchup.
SPINCH
B A N C H
chichen nuggest
b R o G L e
strawbebbies..
this post almost moved me to tears
high school teachers: if you don’t show up with a dress and full makeup or a fitted tuxedo to class everyday to college your professors will execute you
college professors:
I once had a professor SLAM a thermos down on his desk and say to us “there’s more pressure in my sinuses right now than there is at the bottom of the sea. This thing’s full of NyQuil. I’m going to drink it while I teach, and when your heads are replaced by swirling rainbows, I will cancel the rest of class.” The class ended up being 17 minutes long.
Your professor was trying to fight God
i hate airpods dude id rather be broke than have two lil tiny things to keep track of. “oh there’s like a carrier” muh muh muh like i’ll remember the carrier when im barreling out of my door with the bus coming in 2 minutes. an airpod falls out and falls into a storm drain. i fling my head around to watch it fall and the other one flies out into the street and my bus crushes it. i scream in agony and run up to it and the bus just barrels straight over me bc bus drivers in chicago have 3 kill allowances a year
maybe if u stop putting celebrities on pedestal and start treating them like what they really are to you (STRANGERS) then you would realize that cancel culture isn’t real
if your friends date underage girl would you still be friends with them? if your neighbor is on twitter writing borderline sexist and pedeophilic jokes would u still welcome them into your home? stop putting money into strangers’ pockets
daydreaming about the controversial statements i would make as a moderately famous musician during interviews with pitchfork
y’all know that john mulaney quote “the things crazy people say mean nothing to them but everything to me?”
every time i hear that quote, i think about how i got this light-up pen
i got this pen four years ago when i was working as a barista at starbucks. I was on the registers and taking the order of this woman, who ordered a nonfat latte, because she was “watching her weight”
so this guy behind her, whom no one was talking to, for some fucking reason says “wathing your weight? but what about the wait for your watch?“ (which is a completely unhinged response. like just complete Mad Hatter nonsense)
anyway this lady gets really uncomfortable and of the five people (me, him, her, the other checker, and the customer at the other register) who were now sucked into the uncomfortable silence, i decided that i should alleviate the tension by saying “you can’t wait for a watch; you don’t have the time”
and then he said “oh, quick girl!”, gave me that pen, got out of line, and left without ordering anything
You pleased a mad fae trickster
SPITE
The Late Late Show
but it only works if 4 people are having sex lol
how many hands you got
two? don’t see how that’s relevant
allow me illustrate you
that’s still four people
i truly can’t make this any clearer
will smith isn’t gay. he has a wife and three beautiful, talented children
don’t know what you’re on about. will smith and slightly wider blue will smith have been married for years. they’re a hollywood love story