Can't see the forest for the leaves

sobbing into my plate after overhearing a conversation between a mom and her tiny daughter in this shopping centre food court

this one buffet type restaurant is away from the main food court, on the upper floor of the shopping centre - nearly no one goes there, so even in the wild rush of pre-christmas shopping, it's fairly quiet.

it's a mother with a daughter, kindergarten age. they sit at the table next to me, each with their own plate, having a quiet conversation. the daughter eats very quickly, stuffing her mouth, you know how kids sometimes do. the mother tells her, very softly:

"remember what we talked about? you and your tummy are a team and you have to be a team player! let's make sure you chew your food well so it has an easier job later, and has enough time to tell you once you're full"

the child nods, very serious and focused, because she has a very Important Mission now after all. she begins eating slower, chewing well, and additionally taking some time to Ponder the food on the fork before chomping a bit of the many different dishes she picked small portions of.

"what is your favourite thing from your plate?" the mom asks, and the child points to something on the plate. "why? what's the flavour?" the mom continues, and the daughter replies, taking the time to describe the flavour and the texture, even though she "doesn't know what it is at all but it's yummy" and the mother smiles and explains to her what that food is. I think it was mozzarella, in the form of those small balls that work well for salads and appetizers.

once the daughter's plate is empty, she looks at it a bit puzzled.

"are you still hungry?" asks the mom and as the child nods, she says "let's give it a moment so your tummy can catch up as well." - a moment passes - "still hungry?"

the child nods enthusiastically. "alright, let's walk over to the buffet and we'll pick something more"

"can you bring?" the child asks and the mom just says, smiling:

"no, because you should choose what looks like it will make you not hungry anymore. also, walking a bit will help your tummy understand how much more food you two need to feel full so you're no longer hungry but you're also not too full so that you feel uncomfortable or nauseous" and they went to get more food.

it might not sound impressive or interesting, but she was so kind and patient, and the child was clearly happy and curious and receptive to the information she was learning about her own body and how food works. none of "you have to eat the whole plate" under the threat of some punishment, none of "that's enough, you've had enough, you're not hungry anymore" none of "you'll eat what I picked out for you and that's it, no discussion." I don't know. I hope they had a nice rest of the day

sometimes it is straight up impossible accommodate some disabled people in a particular event. someone's dietary needs are too restrictive for anything provided to be edible for them. sometimes your house or apartment has unavoidable stairs that your landlord refuses to have adjusted. sometimes a deadly allergen is going to have to exist in a workplace (for example a company that makes peanut butter is not going to be able to have a peanut free workplace).

the solution is not to deny this. the solution is to be upfront about it and let us make our own decisions and cost/benefit analysis about whether to attend.

I really think they need to start teaching kids in schools that most blind people can see a little bit, most deaf people can hear a little bit, and most wheelchair users can walk a little bit. And they are still disabled.

we’ve made autism into a small insignificant personality trait/identity like being queer and that’s actually so fucking wrong and insulting

40% of autistics have an intellectual disability

40-60% of autistics are nonverbal

most autistics will not be able to hold a job, go to college, or live on their own

autism rarely travels alone and has many medical comorbidities like epilepsy, mitochondrial disorders, and genetic disorders (which are the most common comorbidities - these aren’t rare complications.)

we can have discussions about autism and ableism and how society sees us without spreading misinformation.

autism is a lifelong, often debilitating neurodevelopmental and genetic disorder that affects how one communicates and interacts with the world. it is not “just being socially awkward” or “social anxiety.” it is a neurological disability. start treating it like one.

this is your gentle reminder to stop fighting against your adhd and instead structure your life around it

buy a pack of chapsticks and put one in the pocket of all of your coats and jackets because you always forget to bring one and chapped lips is sensory hell

leave important things where you can see them. if they go in a box or a drawer you will forget they exist

put any appointments or deadlines in your phone calendar As Soon As you get them. set a reminder for a week before, a day before, an hour before, as many as you need as often as you need them.

when that little voice in your head says "i dont need to write that down, ill remember it" that is the devil talking!!! write it down anyway!!

plan for down time. have a few hours at the end of every day to just do fun stuff like engage in your hyperfixations. even if you didnt get all of your work done that day, have the rest anyway. you probably spent the whole day beating yourself up for not doing what you Should be doing, so you still need the break.

if you never eat vegetables because its too much effort to chop and cook them, get the frozen or canned shit. it doesnt go off for ages and you just have to microwave it. theres no point buying fresh vegetables if they just keep going off and being left to rot in the bottom of your fridge

if you struggle to decide what to have for dinner every day, take the decision out of it. choose a set of meals and eat those on rotation until you get sick of them, then choose some new ones and do it again.

its not stupid if it works! our brains literally have a chemical deficiency. you are allowed to accommodate yourself. go forth and stop making your life more difficult than it has to be because "this shouldn't be this hard". it is hard, so make it easier.

A lot of pop psychology gets thrown around and since I already have a headache, here's preventing you lot from making it worse.

Love-bombing: A manipulation tactic of increasing affection and grand gestures before or after doing something abusive, specifically to weasel one's way out of consequences.

What it is not: A streak of affection and generosity towards friends/loved ones.

Trauma-bonding: Knowingly traumatizing someone to take advantage of their vulnerable state, to then act like the "hero" or the one who cheers them up.

What it is not: Bonding over similar traumas.

Gaslighting: *Knowingly* convincing someone they cannot trust their own perception of a situation in pursuit of one's own narrative.

What it is not: Misaligned perception of events.

Narcissist: Someone afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a traumagenic cluster B disorder, that struggles with self-obsession, paranoia, craving validity from the public, delusions of grandeur, and social disconnection.

It is not: Your rubbish ex that cheated on you.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

-Xanthe

Watch me go in there and think about good omens for six hours. Then i’ll knock on the door. Baffled scientists will open it and look at me in awe like i’m a hero. I need to pee, i’ll say

Not to derail your joke but have those people ever met a deaf person before.

Like the way this article is phrased is sending me.

“Can you imaging sitting SILenNCe for FoUrtY FiVe MinuTes?! This guy tried it and went InSaNe!”

I feel bad for messing with your post OP so I made one for you as well

Anyone: Hey (asks about a special interest of mine)? Me: Becomes an unskippable cutscene

man it's weird when people talk about disabilities like they're Identity Categories

like there's obviously a balance but I feel like especially neurodivergency gets framed as identity or lifestyle so much and the other day a friend of mine who realized they were autistic YEARS ago was like "I wonder if I have some kind of learning disability" and I was like

...

"...yes?"

self diagnosis is so so so so SO valid I hate the word valid but it absolutely is, you don't need a professional diagnosis to be autistic, absolutely not

however, self diagnosed ppl and people who sought diagnosis themselves in adulthood are the majority of people I see talking about being autistic online and like. I need us to acknowledge that it's a DEEPLY self selecting group of people and it really disturbs me that I do not see anyone talking about that

"self diagnosed" or "diagnosed as an adult" doesn't automatically equal "low support needs" of course, but um... I think it VERY much does select for people who are way more likely to view their disability label as like some identity that you unearth inside yourself? and like for a fuckton of people their disability label is actually something people in positions of authority and power have forced onto them due to an inability to perform as a nondisabled person even a little bit

and it's like... there is not any sort of moral value attached to being either of this type of person!!! which I feel like people do not hear me say when I talk about this. but I find it alarming and frustrating that we hear primarily from the first type of person in conversations about autism on this webbed site

like when ppl go "I might be autistic" I'm like ok. do you need an IEP or accommodations at your job. what are the ways a diagnosis could materially harm you. and then past those issues, here's how knowing some stuff about how you're not A Evil Freak for not meeting the Fake Neurotypical Standards. but also did you know Neurotypicality is a societal construct and doesn't actually meaningfully exist? it's people who can reasonably operate under the societal expectations of Neurotypical and people who cannot do that.

and like. disability is disabling. and. God I am so tired and I know people will get defensive about Their Identity As Neurodiverse Being Important To Them and like yes.... my identities are also important to me... but like... also on a broad scale they don't... matter that much when talking about The Experience? like it's very much a YES, AND type of thing imo. and it's VALID (lol!) of me to be frustrated when conversations inevitably do not go past the "yes" part of "yes, and" when talking about Identity is such a tip of the iceberg here.

and then yeah most of the people who are like "ugh why are you people making this about PERSONAL IDENTITY" are creepy medicalists who think that being autistic is a discrete physical thing in your brain that is Bad and want to cede MORE authority to the psych and medical complexes lmao so just kill me now I guess.

I'm never able to articulate this shit like I want and I know ppl are CONSTANTLY taking my posts about this in bad faith or think I'm being gatekeepy and I'm fucking NOT I just want to see the SMALLEST ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that Your Experience Is Not Universal from these conversations lmfao

"I'm not autistic but..."

Then why are you on the Autism website, huh?

I'm not letting this ancient joke die in the tags:

[ID: tag that says #in soviet russia the site autisms you /End ID]

Please, please remember:

The term “neurodivergent” describes people whose brain differences affect how their brain works.

It is not only autism and ADHD.

It's many many many things!

Including personality disorders, foetal alcohol syndrome, Downs Syndrome, Tourette's, dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia, bipolar disorder, Irlen syndrome, and more then I can list here.

If it's your brain differences that is affecting how your brain works...it's a neurodivergence!

No you cannot fix your entire life at 2am. Go to bed.

You can fix some of it though! By going to bed.

Ever since I read a post saying "don't trust yourself after 9pm" whenever I find myself spiralling at 2am I check the time, see it's after 9pm, and remember not to trust myself and just go to sleep. Works wonders. The problems are never as bad in the morning.

speaking of professional dx, i think it's important to recognize that professionally dx'd disabled people are at a severe legal disadvantage compared to disabled people who purely self-id; one of the reasons i'm so intensely pro-self-dx and actively advocate for people to self-dx over professional dxing is because professional diagnosis comes with a cavalcade of systemic oppression and violence from the state, no matter what country you're in.

some things that professional diagnosis of a disability might do, depending on what disability and which country you live in:

obviously, there's plenty of resources that are artificially gatekept behind professional diagnosis, like mobility aids that are only affordable through insurance, prescription medication, testing like blood tests and MRIs, AAC devices, and more. but i think it's important to remember that those of us who need these things aren't necessarily privileged by our professional diagnoses, insomuch as we're forced into a situation where we have to subject ourselves to endless state violence via professional diagnosis in order to have access to those necessary resources.

i think it's particularly important for those of us professionally diagnosed to remember that. there's a tendency in some circles to treat professional diagnosis like it makes us better or more "legitimately disabled" than self-id disabled folks; this isn't true and it's important to remember that we shouldn't feel the need to define ourselves by a thing that actively harms us. plus, just because someone doesn't have a professional diagnosis doesn't mean they don't need the resources that are kept behind it; often it means they can't afford to weather the state violence that comes with the dx, and so instead they have to suffer without medication or aids or testing and have a significantly worse and shorter life because of this. just because they have legal privilege over you doesn't mean they necessarily have social privilege over you or quality-of-life privilege.

its real... fibromyalgia is real... i mean its obviously real but. its real. ;_;

Oh…. Oh…………… ;_; indeed. Wow.

Here’s the study for more info

And a quick reader friendly summary of the findings

It’s always kind of been a bullshit “symptoms syndrome,” “go away shut up ‘diagnosis’” to me, which was NOT helped by there being no treatment ever offered other than “exercise and improve your mental health you’re just lazy and depressed and anxious and feeling exertion makes you more anxious (saying ‘exertion/exercise intolerance’ makes you go to hell for real) go to therapy” so like. actually seeing solid well researched evidence that no I’m not just a pathetic stupid clumsy weak person with no distress tolerance as I’ve very much internalized…. I am undone.

Like look a big part of why you're coming across so many autistic people online is that we don't know where else to go. We are very often isolated in real life interactions. Even whatever tiktok autistic you think is doing so well is probably different face to face. Online you can often stop to think about things more, and you don’t have to look people in the eye, and there's no chance of unwanted touch, and if you're worn out from socialising you can just close the window. It's definitely not universal, and I understand there are autistic people who also find online communication just as daunting, and yes there are still aspects of it that are confusing to me, but like, if and when it works, it's an escape. It's an exception. It's not an accurate reflection of how we are in society in general.

In online posts, you have all the time in the world to think of what to say.

In online posts, you can reread what you're saying before posting it.

In online posts, your body language and tone are irrelevant.

In online posts, you won't be interrupted and have assumptions made about what you were going to say.

In online posts, you don't have to wait until it's your turn to speak nor do you have to figure out when that is.

In online posts, you can't be physically attacked for what you say.

Also you do not have to be speaking in order to use the internet. You don't have to understand spoken language generally, and you can set and maintain incredibly firm boundaries.

(me, my parents, my sister, and the baby are sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch)

baby, pointing at the light fixture over the table and signing "on": o.*

my sister: we actually can't turn that light on right now, because the lightbulb inside is burnt out! it needs a new one.

baby: ighbu.

sister: yes, lightbulb! granddaddy said after we eat he's going to climb up there on a ladder and change it, and then the light will come on!

baby: gadada! adda, uuu! ighbu o!

sister: exactly!

baby, signing "on" and pointing at the light and then my dad, with increasing urgency: GADADA ADDA UUUU. O.

my sister: we're going to finish eating first though, ok?

baby: nonono. O. gadada adda uuu.

[a split second goes by]

baby, pointing to himself: ba. adda uuu. ighbu.

me: you're going to climb the ladder and change the lightbulb yourself?

baby: dzyeah. *pointing to the buckle where he is buckled into the high chair* ububu.

me: unbuckle you? so you can change the lightbulb?

baby, highly businesslike: dzyeah.

*pronounced like "on" without the n

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