Brat

John Mulaney, The Comeback Kid

where is the mode where i don’t have to see any straight people then

my family is so. fucking weird and resistant to talking about anything. when i was a small child i asked my mother why she had a lot of gifts and things where people called her by another name and she like. didn’t give me a straight answer? it was her Hebrew name. like that’s literally it. that’s all u had to say 

great-great-grandma cohen refused to tell her younger children that they were related to her two eldest children

my family didn’t tell me about part of my actual name until i sent away for my social security info to get my driver’s permit in my junior year of high school. i have an entire middle name that no one ever felt the need to mention to me

i had to google my own brother to find out why we don’t talk about him anymore

one morning in seventh grade my mother was driving me to school and asked me if she was too overprotective. i told her “yeah, sometimes.” then she casually, calmly went, “maybe it’s because you were almost kidnapped as a baby”

she didn’t even elaborate until i asked her to explain

(my father later confirmed that i was, in fact, briefly stolen as an infant)

my mom just dropped this information on me for the first time and was then like “bye honey have a good day at school”

no one knows great-grandma ruth’s real last name 

this is some Lemony Snicket shit right here

This would’ve went on all day.. lol

She had me thinkin maybe it is 1235

i believe her

Meet Patrick Kilonzo Mwalua, aka the water man, who delivers water to the wild animals in dry lands of Kenya. He is a pea farmer in his local village who saw the dire effects that global warming is having on Kenya’s wildlife. "We aren’t really receiving rain the way we used to… So I started giving animals water…“ he states. (Source)

sometimes u just gotta lay on the floor with ur dog 

Colorful Sky over Lake Erie and the Lorain Lighthouse after sunset. (Photo Credit)

WHY would you want weed socks where you gonna wear those?? to church???? to school? to work? no you’ll wear them at home by yourself and take pics of them for the internet bc there’s little marijuanas on them

“I think it’s time for another shot.”

job goals

me???? tired???? sleepy??? yes constantly

Someone: I love all natural women I hate when girls wear a lot of makeup it’s so unattractive I think girls look better without makeup they don’t need it! Girls that wear makeup are so fake

Me: