unwritten

"one thought at a time" sometimes feels like a crime because of a mind so foggy and tired

the world is big to all this girl is small and crawls nothing but a speck of dust but inside her a universe so vast

love and hate relationship with herself, what a trip sad hours, senseless poetry actually feels good certainly

the rest is still unwritten this girl holds the pen starting to unravel what is there for her to settle

sometimes there are dreads calm down, deep breaths everything will be fine one thought at a time

03/08/2022 4:20 PM

Patuloy ang pag-andar ng mga sasakyan at ang paglalakad ng mga tao, lahat may kanya-kanyang pupuntahan, kanya-kanyang kayod para sa kabuhayan. Gayundin ang oras, patuloy ang pagtakbo. Ang araw ay nais nang lumubog at magpahinga. Mamaya ang buwan ay nariyan na, hindi mo mamamalayan. Patuloy ang pag-ikot ng mundo. Patuloy lang. Patuloy kong sinusubukang tapusin ang pagsusulat tungkol sa disyerto dito sa isang kapehan. Patuloy kong sinusubukang itawid ang MS degree na ito. Hindi ko malaman kung saan talaga ako patungo pero patuloy ko lamang tinatahak ang daan dito. Kung saan man ako makarating ay bahala na.

lies your brain tell you

People will always be unfair to you. Efforts will always not be equal. You tend to be selfless more than you already know. And when you try asking for help, they will not be there. And you just get used to it, now you never share whatever the fuck is going on in your mind.

Sometimes it feels so heavy, the weight of the world you carry. Sometimes you just want to end it all. Sometimes death as the answer comes across your mind. No one will care if you die anyways, you think. But these are lies your brain tell you. The brain wants you to believe all these negative situations against you. You try to suppress all these thoughts, it’s just hard.

But believe me when I say, you may feel alone, but you are stronger than this. It’s okay to be and feel alone, but never try considering death as the answer because there’s so many good things ahead of you. It may be hard, but you should trust the process. It’s okay if they don’t reciprocate your efforts, fuck them, love yourself.

Love yourself — you even have these words, translated in Japanese, tattooed in your left chest. Love yourself. It’s okay to do efforts for the people, but don’t let them take advantage of you. You have your own life. Love yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself.

Now I remember how to be strong. 

luha at ulan

Hindi maganda ang umaga. Pumatak ang luha sa iyong mga mata. Ramdam ng unan ang iyong hinagpis. Isang saglit ay narinig ka ng langit at ito ay nakiisa sa iyong pagluluksa. Sabay ninyong hinarap ang malungkot na umaga. Ngunit tila ikaw ay napakalma ng tunog ng buhos ng ulan, tila musika. Ikaw ay hinele. Hanggang sa wala nang luha. Hanggang sa napagtanto mo na masaya ka sa presensya ng ulan. Hanggang sa napapikit ka. Madilim ngunit ramdam mo ang pag-asa nang ikaw ay makapagpahinga. Maganda ang umaga. Tayo ay babangon muli.

all i want to do now is hike and plant some damn trees

guard is down

I find it hard to trust men. I don’t want another bullshit in my life that’s why I’m so scared to dive in a relationship right away. After some incidents with men, and when I hear stories about abusers, all I could think of is how bullshit, disloyal, and lying bastards they are that’s why I’m cautious and had that phase when I couldn’t get attached with men (or women) I talk to.

Until I met someone 3 months ago and for the first time I felt seen. He’s someone who could see right through me. We have the same interests and he’s really expressive and funny and smart that’s why it’s so easy and fun to be around him. For the first time in forever I want to get to know someone deeper. In fact, I’ve already told him I love him.

The problem is me. I’m usually weak with handling emotions. Part of the problem is trauma from shitty men. Now that I’m in love again, I’m afraid I’m becoming too vulnerable. It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to consider the past and be cautious. It’s just that my brain at the moment keeps bugging me with worries, I couldn’t function well. I hope he’s really different from the others. I want to trust the process. Also damn I wish I was born with a stronger brain.

Liquid courage and blurry vision

A siege of stupid infatuations

Endless dull conversations

Lead to a sad and regretful notion

In a couch was a night of exploration

The next morning all was gone

As if it was all hallucinations

“Forget about it” killed the ego

Of a girl who sought clarification

Photo taken somewhere in Cubao when we were heading to a shooting range.

Allow yourself to be happy. Let the serotonin come in and flow. Set aside the battle against anxiety and the life cataracts, go ahead and see all the colors in the spectrum.

You deserve that love. Go explore every street of the city with your person. Alexa play Bawat Daan by Ebe Dancel. 

Just felt the need to write about this while we are setting goals for our future.

I’ve been deprived of serotonin lately. I even trust no one around me. Not even myself. I find my normal crazy self hard to sustain nowadays. Feels like I’m in a depletion zone and no matter how hard I try to get out of here, I’d always find myself back. I’m afraid this can affect a potential romantic relationship I’m in.

I look at myself in the mirror and try to find that pretty girl. Heck, I was pretty. I want to reclaim “pretty” and feel better. I’ll get there soon.

After submitting a document in the OUR, I kind of roamed around the campus and reminisced about how I’ve always wanted to study in UP way back in high school, how I cried knowing that I failed UPCAT. I’ve eventually moved on. And now I’m here for an MS degree. Remote classes for now though due to the pandemic.

Photos were taken in front of Palma Hall I think? I was hungry that time and then came across this fishball stall. I was the only customer. Fishballs and kwek-kweks tasted really good. Plus, there were cute cats watching me eat.

this day is for writing

My brain is sick of reading about science. Feels like it’s filled with thoughts that I need to write about so this afternoon I decided to put science aside for the mean time and get some writing exercise.

I’ll start by what I remember about writing in my younger years. In grade school, I’ve always nailed the English subject and writing was a forte that I was chosen by my favorite English teacher (heaven gained an angel) to join Journalism. Small wins back then about sports journalism. Heck, if I could see what I wrote I’d probably cringe though. In high school I didn’t really have the chance to join Journalism. I was too depressed to function. I was trying to write but there were kids way better than me. Typical science high school struggles. I’ve always compared myself to others and thought that I was a sore loser with no skills at all. I even failed UPCAT, an entrance exam to my dream school. I could say that I was at my lowest that time. I passed PUPCET, a second choice. I actually wanted to take Psychology but my stupid ass brain chose Biology thinking I’d like to be a doctor someday.

My BS Biology journey was one hell of a ride. It was brain draining. There were times I needed to absorb and memorize tons of information all at once. We dissected cats, baby sharks, and frogs. Studied the heart of a pig. Collected worms, insects, plants. Went to the mountains and the seas for field work. All the science stuff. Really tiring but I learned a lot. Reality check though, I won’t be able to enter medicine because it’s financially impossible. After college, I worked in a non-voice BPO company where I was assessing veterinary claims. There I learned mostly the diseases cats and dogs can suffer from. That’s where I also realized that not all your workmates are your friends. You have to carefully choose who you want to be friends with.

That time I was working, I had a lot of thoughts about existential crisis. Questions about life like, 1. what’s my purpose in life? 2. why the fuck did I even take biology? 3. what should I do next after this work? That’s when I thought about getting an MS degree in Environmental Science. Now I feel like I’m in prison lmao.

Where does this entry even go? I don’t know, probably just follow where my thoughts are headed. But it feels like I want to end it here.

how i sea myself

Photo taken at Batangas.

The sea is always pretty, the sky above it as well enhances the overall mesmerizing effect this biome gives. Music to the ears is the flow of the currents. The touch of the waters calm the soul. 

Way back in 2016 or 2017? I went to a vacation in my grandparents’ home in Leyte. 10 minutes away from the house is the sea. It was always exciting to go see the sea and let the waters take my worries away. Since then I’ve always wanted to protect the sea, preserve it as if it’s all mine.

Now I’m taking up MS Environmental Science. I’ve taken subjects that tackle lessons about aquatic ecosystems. I appreciate the waters even more. I’m a little less selfish now though, I’ve learned that protecting the sea is not all about me but also about the fellow living organisms that rely on such ecosystems (e.g. the fish and the people). Protecting the sea means protecting the entire earth.

Taking this program is actually draining my brain. I’ve always been anxious and frustrated about everything that I do to finish this degree. Sometimes I even question myself if this is the right program for me. 

I just wish I can see myself like the way I see the sea. The fuck am I writing.