Bambi recovering

One of my favorites from my personal collection. So much calming good energy coming from this babe 💕

city lights

Dis skirt is too big but das ok 🤓

@thesexualquotes (via thesexualquotes)

Morning mood

35mm // @nouxnoux​, huntington beach august 2017

happy first day of classes!! the face I’m making in the second pic is a genuine reaction to some stupid shit my friend said today was honestly pretty rough. I didn’t sleep last night, like at all. I tossed and turned and remember almost every minute of the night. I’m sure I drifted off at some point, but it wasn’t anything near what I needed. I had to function from 8 am to 10 pm and I truly feel dead I’m really excited about my classes though!! they’re all genuinely interesting and i’m eager to get started i’m worried about finding time to myself with all the various responsibilities I have right now, so if you have any suggestions I’m open to hearing them!!!

(tw below, weight talk)

a friend of mine literally wouldn’t shut up about how thin i’ve gotten and kept asking how I did it and of course the sick part of me was very pleased, it’d be silly to deny that. but mostly I was just really uncomfortable. when I’m complimented on how i look it almost makes me feel like my pain is being normalized and it’s extremely triggering for me

your hair looks amaze

The worst part about nostalgia with an eating disorder is that you know you weren’t happier when you were sick. the nostalgia isn’t telling you that you were happier, it’s just telling you that you didn’t have to deal with things the way you do now in recovery. 

When you were sick you could swat away these feelings and those memories and all those problems with a bag of chips or a jog on the treadmill or a few pills or a few hours more until you can eat. 

You didn’t have to think about the hard things, the things that hurt you most. Yes you still felt the terrible feelings and thoughts from those terrible things, but they were numbed, subdued. It’s telling you it was easier because in a way, it WAS easier. 

But that doesn’t mean it was better. And you know that, and the nostalgia knows that. But you can’t help but yearn for that subdued effect because you could “deal” with things so much easier….. by not dealing with them at all.

Recovery makes you face those things that you kept trying to numb and subdue. It’s hard and it hurts and all you want to do is turn back half the time. But you know, all the time, that it will never give you what you want and that the pain will never end there. So you either recover, or subject yourself to a life of pain.