Man..I'm worried..what if current things happening and things that have recently happened are an insight into what's to come? Makes me think..that things are going to be rough. Hence is why I keep reaching for that hope. But..people don't seem to realize how behind I feel like I am, nor how insignificant. Hell, my family don't realize how scared I am every day that I'm gonna lose my job. They just worry about themselves and bitch me out when I ask them for what they promised me a long time ago..Where did I go wrong..

I'm no Simon..I'm no Haseo..I'm not even a person on the teams..I'm a nobody. A failure..sorry Grandma..I know you always wanted the best of me, but I doubt anything I've done you'd be proud of. I'm just..a nothing

Wow..that hurts..was just told that since I'm not willing to blow all this extra money to go see my gf..that I don't really love her..no, she did not say this, let me make that clear right now. Just..the person kept insulting me over and over again..not understanding how expensive all things are here or anything..but..I guess I don't..I keep giving so much of everything but *sarcasm* I don't love her. I just say it to get something *end sarcasm*..what the fuck..such a damn dick for no reason..

..don't ever fucking tell me I don't love my girlfriend..you don't know shit and never will know shit if you ever think that. "Oh I had a bad life, so I just am blunt about what I see" You had a bad life? Good for you. You've gotten on my shit list. I hate to wish ill of people, but I hope you at least have karma really roughly. Get lost you god damned dick

Well..streams are getting better. More people are starting to come by and follow. It's starting to move in the direction that I was hoping..that I was trying for a few years ago..I hope I can make that work

I play the games people ask me to play..I add music so people won't be as bored..and I add interactiveness to the streams..yet still no one watches. Guess that just tells me I'm bad. The facts are there. No one wants to watch and no one cares..this is just me rambling, I know..but I'm so frustrated..I've gone out and bought games just cause people told me to or spoke highly of them..go away laughter..you're not welcome here..and stop calling me that..please

...I'm probably going to stop my streams soon..no point in them. Not to mention I've lost all my motivation for things..wish the laughter would stop..that and the constant "look how worthless you are". Maybe I'm just not cut out for being anything..

So..been streaming again to try to get that going. Funny enough, got a constant viewer now. It's honestly surprising for me to have viewers, period, especially since no one watches my stuff anyways, even when I ask them to. She's been asking me to play games with her and even wants me to join her in her streams. Not really sure how to feel on that since I feel like she's flirting, so I keep pushing back, reminding her I'm taken and all. I give it a few more days before she's done talking with me and never loads my stuff again. My only loyal viewer (I cry) oh well. Guess I need more popular games..

I don't get why I can't control those negative feelings, thoughts, or emotions..maybe I'm just a bad person in reality