the joke: explained

she tower on my babel till I ἐπιούσιον

#ἐπιούσιον is a word that’s only ever used in the Lord’s prayer#with extreme controversy surrounding its translation#i suspect the joke here is that this post forces the reader to do a bunch of linguistic research#only to not come up with a conclusive answer#mimicking the experiences of those who built the tower of babel#this has been another installment of overexplaining jokes until theyre not funny anymore with autistics via @exbeekeeper​

ok but you just saved my ass 30 minutes of research by explaining the joke and now i can laugh at it sooner you didn't make it not funny you made it funny faster

this was so wild

Someone explain

The first sentence says 32 and 13 implying that the speaker is 32 years old and their girlfriend is 13 years old, which is both highly inappropriate and illegal. The next sentence reveals the speaker was talking about their game levels, not their ages, which is perfectly okay.

In their reply to the audience they then say they are picking her up from middle school, again implying that their girlfriend is underage, but quickly state she’s grading papers letting us know she’s a teacher, definitely an adult, and there no reason to be upset.

The rollercoaster gif portrays how switching from upset and worried to relieved in such a short period of time feels emotionally.

The next meme shows the guy panicking from misunderstanding, then feeling relieved and calm realizing the truth, only to panic over the next misunderstanding and then calm again when hearing the end.

the above explanation is followed by a picture of data from star trek with a speech bubble's tail coming out of him, implying he's the one saying all of that, which is humerous because the above text is written in a style similar to his speech patterns, and with a subject matter he would enjoy

This is the worst website ever and I love it.

this was so wild

Someone explain

The first sentence says 32 and 13 implying that the speaker is 32 years old and their girlfriend is 13 years old, which is both highly inappropriate and illegal. The next sentence reveals the speaker was talking about their game levels, not their ages, which is perfectly okay.

In their reply to the audience they then say they are picking her up from middle school, again implying that their girlfriend is underage, but quickly state she’s grading papers letting us know she’s a teacher, definitely an adult, and there no reason to be upset.

The rollercoaster gif portrays how switching from upset and worried to relieved in such a short period of time feels emotionally.

The next meme shows the guy panicking from misunderstanding, then feeling relieved and calm realizing the truth, only to panic over the next misunderstanding and then calm again when hearing the end.

the above explanation is followed by a picture of data from star trek with a speech bubble's tail coming out of him, implying he's the one saying all of that, which is humerous because the above text is written in a style similar to his speech patterns, and with a subject matter he would enjoy

Well, this looks Deeply Cursed™

The picture is of an old tree. It has two wooden signs. One says “PLACE YOUR HANDS HERE COUNT TO 10 LET THE FAIRIES TAKE YOUR WORRIES AWAY”

The other says “WISHES” and has two hand-shaped marks. 

The hand-shaped marks are dirty from lots of people putting their hands there over the years. The commenter is joking that this seems like a trap laid by fairies. They’re going to curse you or steal you away or something when you put your hands there.

The official Sonic the Hedgehog twitter continues its spiral into madness

@explainingthejoke save me please lol

The image is a screenshot of two tweets by the official Sonic the Hedgehog twitter account.

The first reads: Presenting the new hit sequel to Sonic Forces: It includes an image of the Sonic Forces video game cover, but with “Horses” written over “Forces,” and with pictures of horses taped over the characters.

The second tweet reads: *Please note Sonic Horses is actually just a series of RNG lockboxes. Each lockbox has 1 of 200 possible tiny horses inside. You can customize your tiny horses with additional tiny accessory RNG lockboxes. Lockboxes awarded after 200 hours of gameplay or for $50 in Sonicbuxx ™ .

“Horses” is very similar to “Forces.” It sounds just the same except for the first letter. RNG stands for Random Number Generator. "RNG lockboxes” refers to a game mechanic that involves randomized items within the game that are then equipped to your character. 

These are silly tweets that are joking that they turned Sonic Forces into Sonic Horses and made a strange game full of in-game transactions, and anything involving Sonic has been taken out. 

The image is of a few snacks, including a tin of cookies. Someone has commented, “Why are there biscuits in the sewing kit”

Lots of people grew up with an older family member who reused the tin these cookies came in because it’s big and metal and comes with a lid; so people share the experience of seeing the tin, thinking there are cookies inside, and then being disappointed when they find that the cookies are gone and the tin just holds their grandma’s sewing supplies or something. 

OP is joking around pretending not to know that the tins originally held cookies. They had only ever seen the tin holding sewing stuff and had never actually been able to eat the cookies. 

are you the person that kills the spider, makes someone else kill the spider, or catches and releases the spider outside

When you find a spider in your house, how do you react? Most people don’t want a spider in their house and will try to get rid of it. These are a few ways people will get rid of a spider in their house.

This isn’t a joke, it’s just a relatable post. 

You wake up one day and notice that you can see stats and levels over people’s heads. Most are in the 20s with a few people as high as 80. As you’re watching people you notice someone with a skull where their level should be staring at you.

“Mom! Mom, oh my god!”

Your mother was smiling like it was just a normal day.

“Hi, honey! How was school?”

“It - that doesn’t matter - We need to go to the hospital!”

She got very serious and wide-eyed. “Of course. I’ll only be a second. What happened? Where are you hurt?”

“Not me! You!”

She seemed to just completely pause, staring at you. Then her face washed with relief, and she laughed.

“Ahhh. It’s your Seeing Day! Of course. Congratulations. Please calm down, I’m fine.”

“What?!”

“In some families, when you reach a certain stage of brain development, you begin seeing the Stats. You’re about the age I was on my Seeing Day.”

“What.”

“You saw numbers over people’s heads all day at school, right?”

“Yeah, but I don’t-”

“I know, I know. We should prepare you, but no one mentions it in case you don’t get the gift-”

“MOM, THERE IS A SKULL OVER YOUR HEAD!”

“Well, of course. You don’t get to just view the difficulty rating of the person who made you.”

The OP shares interesting writing prompts for fiction writers to practice with. 

In video games "stats" mean a person or character’s skill levels or abilities reflected in numbers. 

The character in the story sees these numbers, and then they see a skull above their mother’s head. They have intuited that the stats refer to health level, so they panic and believe their mom is going to die. 

Their mother corrects them. She explains that she has a skull because her stats are either restricted from the main character’s view, or so high (i.e. she is so strong) that the main character can’t see it. She could be a “boss,” or an extra strong character in a video game that you have to defeat to complete a level. So the skull icon changes from an omen to something impressive or interesting.

It's not a joke! It's just a fun little story that person wrote.

Sometimes there are posts that have a picture of a person the OP finds attractive, and then are captioned with something like “If you look like this, then come on over.” 

In this one, it looks like it’s going to be one of those posts, but instead the person’s picture is flipped horizontally back and forth to make it look like he’s looking both ways before he crosses the street. The caption is “If you look like this... then like this... & back like this... it’s safe to cross the street.” OP is playing on “look like this” and changing it from “you look like this guy” to “you look at stuff the way this guy is looking at stuff.” 

This cracked me up.

(Source.)

Image 1: A cop has pulled over a driver. It’s captioned with their conversation. Cop: whose car is this? where are you headed? what do you do?  Driver: mine

Image 2: A judge is speaking to a witness in court. The witness is a villain in Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law.  Judge: State your first name, your last name, and your occupation. Lizardman: Lizardman, Lizardman, and lizardman.

Image 3: A person sitting at a desk is surprised by another person coming into their office.  Person A: Who are you and how did you get in here? Person B: I’m a locksmith, and I’m a locksmith.

All three of these images are different versions of the same gag. A person will ask several questions in a row, but the answer to all the questions is the same thing. 

The driver said: “The car is mine. I am headed to a mine. I mine for a living.” They are a miner by trade and that is their car.

Lizardman is a villain and all he does is be Lizardman. That’s his whole identity.

The person in the third image is a locksmith, and was able to get into the office because he is a locksmith. 

Hey guys so I was out during the total eclipse of the sun and I was sold this really neat plant and y’know I totally got it but I have no idea what kind of plant it is and I forgot to ask. Does anyone know what it is and if so can you tell me how to care for it??

It looks kinda like a flytrap but IDK???? 

@explainingthejoke

That’s Audrey II from the musical Little Shop of Horrors. In the play/movie, Audrey II feeds on blood and meat and stuff. It eats whole people in the story as well.

In the image above, the logo from the video game series Super Smash Bros. has been edited several times so the lines in it resemble loss.jpg.

If the singular form of “mice” is “mouse”, shouldn’t the singular of “lice” be “louse”?

Aw man I have like, THE BEST NEWS for you my friend

The commenter is correct: that is the singular form of lice. Incidentally, this is also the origin of the pejorative adjective "lousy."

Tweet:

Kool-Aid is a kind of juice. In Kool-Aid commercials, a sentient pitcher full of Kool-Aid would burst through a wall with a glass of Kool-Aid and say “Oh, yeah!” Sometimes it was because he was summoned. Other times it was because someone was thirsty. Other times, it seemed to happen for no reason at all, but kids were always excited to see the Kool-Aid Man.

In this joke, the person mentions Kool-Aid, but the Kool-Aid Man wasn’t able to burst through their wall, because the wall is indestructible.

what the fuck is the joke here

SOME

Man, what.

@explainingthejoke?

People familiar with the shows and movies pictured above know that right after these shots, a character bursts dramatically through the door.

This post has an accompanying post where the characters have burst through the door and the commenter continues: "body once told me..." i.e. the lyrics to "All Star" by Smashmouth.

It's a reference to the opening of the movie "Shrek," where Shrek is introduced visually by bursting out of his outhouse as the singer reaches the second syllable of the word "somebody."

You're supposed to reblog the accompanying post and this post one after the other. That way someone scrolling through your blog will see this one, be confused, and then immediately after see the second one, at which point they'll understand the joke.

TUMBLR IS SO BORING WITH ALL YOU NERDS AT DASHCON

((you all better come back with some amazing tales))

This post is like reading an inscription carved into a bathhouse wall during Pompeii’s last days

In the summer of 2014, there was an attempt at a fan convention specifically for Tumblr users. It was called Dashcon. Many people blew a lot of money going to what ended up being a terrible event. Promises of panels and celebrity visits went unfulfilled. There was a "ball pit" that was actually just an inflatable kiddie pool full of plastic balls in an otherwise empty room. See Wikipedia article on it. The OP posted this during Dashcon, before users found out it was the worst.

In the year 79, the volcano Mount Vesuvius erupted. It destroyed Pompeii and several other villages. Pompeii was buried so suddenly that we can still find the town and its victims as they were when they died. More on Pompeii.

The commenter is joking that seeing that post now is like seeing a lighthearted message left just before a catastrophic event.

Who said no???

White People.

Wait, remember what? The band? Of course. And I’m white. But… was it something else?

The image is a poll that the band Earth, Wind & Fire tweeted. It says: Do you remember? The options are Yes or No. 87% voted yes and 13% voted no.

This tweet is in reference to an iconic 1978 funk song of theirs, September. The first line is "Do you remember / the 21st night of September?" Users voted to confirm they understood the reference.

Because Earth, Wind & Fire is a nearly entirely African American act, commenters are joking that the people who did not understand the reference are all white people. The self-identified white user above knows the band and the song, but missed the lyrical reference, inadvertently playing into the joke.