Not to make this monster even longer, but I slept, and can answer a few questions:
- Dog Tax:
2. What was Illegal about what Officer and Mrs. Cunt Magnifique did?/If they're hosed, are you moving in?/Does Doris still have to move out?
I don't know all the details, but Officer Magnifique was going door-to-door, in uniform and armed, telling his neighbors they had to sign this paperwork or there would be legal consequences, which is pretty textbook coercion and abuse of office. Also If I understood the summary someone told me while I was dying of heat exhaustion, the actual legal setup they were trying to push was some shady land-ownership/tax evasion nonsense too.
But also.
All of this happened YESTERDAY.
Charges aren't files (tho they are definitely coming) let alone the trial held/conviction/payout or other consequences, so they could still be living there and involved in active litigation for like. A year. And it's an unfortunate truth that living near a cop that's having a meltdown is a great way to get shot.
So No. I'm not moving in there.
Also, Doris originally brought up the idea of moving because of them, but she is also very close to her granddaughter and they both want her to move out there.
3. You live like this/How do I get a life like that?
The process is fairly simple, but takes a lot of work. It goes like this
- Go Outside.
And do things.
In person.
- Specifically, go join a bunch of organizations that are relevant to your interests, and keep showing up to/participating in those events.
- People will notice and remember you. They will notice and remember you faster if you're like 40 years younger than them and have purple hair but I digress. They will come over and say hi. You say hi back, and talk about your mutual interest. Also listen to what they have to say about your mutual interest.
- GET AND SAVE THEIR CONTACT INFORMATION, THEN GIVE YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION. Everyone you meet. It's actually great to print out business cards with your contact info and hand them out. When saving contact info, I make a note in my contacts about name/where I met them/who introduced us/any random fact they divulged because I have the memory of a sieve.
- Introduce all your new friends to each other, and invite them to any event you think might even vaguely be within their interests. Even if they can't come, it's nice to be thought of.
They will also invite YOU to things and the rule is: UNLESS YOU ARE ILL, GENUINELY BROKE OR ALREADY HAD PLANS, SAY YES. Even the "broke" bit is flexible because if you're making friends with Boomers you can say "Hm. I'd love to, but that's not within my budget" and there's a good chance one of them will pay for your ticket anyway. Go to these things, and enjoy yourself.
- Eventually, you will know approximately a fucktillion people in a bazillion fields, and in an emergency, you can make 2 phone calls and a facebook post and summon the hordes. You will also be constantly invited on Adventures.
- Congrats, you've made your life mad complicated and dramatic but very, very fun.
4. Are. Are you alright OP?
Things will probably calm down by Tuesday Afternoon, but until then I'm gonna be running on all cylinders until the wheels fall off. If you want to contribute to my "Stress Ice Cream/Herschel's Special Little Ham Boy Fund" You can Donate to my Ko-Fi, and if you want more stories, check out the #Family Lore tag on this blog, or head over to my Patreon for additional stories/to pre-order the book I'm writing about my and my ancestor's lives because this shit runs like rivers on both sides of my family.
5. Were you wearing the Cryptid Booty shorts for this?/Where did you get them?
They were a bespoke Wedding Gift from @theshitpostcalligrapher but you can always make your own with a pair of shorts and some fabric paint. My beloved Husbeast has a matching neon pink pair that say "BARD".