i know you feel like your best

wasn’t enough

i know you feel like all the hours

were wasted

i know you feel disappointed

i’m yourself

but even though you feel

these things

probably all at once right now

i just want you to know

that your more than what

you believe

i look at you

and i know that you’re

smart

and beautiful

and capable

i believe in you

and i’ll tell you that every day

until you believe it too.

by the book pillow thoughts

i’m sorry i may not be the best girlfriend. but i’m trying i promise you my love.

i never saw myself with anyone but you, you always lingered in the back of my mind, wondering if you thought about me too. i would never admit it at the time because i didn’t believe it myself.

i’m so afraid it’s not me that you want, even with all the reassurance and all the love you give me. i’m scared. what if you see me the way i see myself? what if you find someone who is better for you then i am? i’ve waited too long to feel your touch.

i want you no matter how bad it gets, i want you at your worst and at your best. i want you even when you don’t want me, i’ll do anything to make you realise that i care. i just want you.

i could list a million things i love about her, the tiniest things about you that warm my heart. i could stare into those beautiful eyes for hours. with you, it feels easy, it feels right. you make me feel safe, cared for. i waited so long for us, and i promise you i’m not giving up. it’s our time, our lives, and i’m willing to share mine with you, and i hope you will too.

one last dance.

meet me at the abandoned old library in 30 mins. that’s what the notes said—he was the only one who knew her time being alive was short, he wanted to spend as much time with them as he possibly could. so that’s what he did. he met them at the library just 30 minutes later.

this would be the place they would always go whenever they could. they wanted a place that had a special memory to them both—their first date was in this now abandoned library he played their first kiss in there, the first i love you, everything.

he never wanted to make her feel like he didn’t love her. because she was the only person he wants—no one else, and to think that she thought that he didn’t love her was impossible, he could never not love her.

“spence…” she turned around as she could hear the door creak open behind her. “i know love, i know.” he sighed looking down at his feet. “i’m so sorry spence…” there was a long pause between the both of them. “please don’t hate me.” she took her hands into his and lead him into the most spacious part of the library.

“how could i ever hate you darling?” he whispered as he put his hands on their waist never wanting to let go. “one last dance spence.” she said audibly. kissing his lips for what could be the last time.

a tear falls down her cheek but spencer quickly wipes it away. “i want this to be the most beautiful goodbye ever sweetheart.” as he kisses her cheek to where her tear just was. “ i bought our favourite song!” she says quietly but excitedly holding up ‘fade into you’ by mazzy star. “i know it’s not a love song but it’s the song that we played when we were decorating our apartment. the drives after staying here for a while, going to work, our first kiss, it’s reminded me of you for so long.”

“my last wish before i go spence is for you to hold me—kiss me and love me.” she said not daring to look anywhere else but his eyes. “dance with me.” she places his hands to a more comfortable place on her waist and puts her arms around spencer’s neck.

“i love you my darling.” he whispered looking into her eyes and starts sway his body to the music that comes on. “time goes to fast darling.” he looks down to her. “i know sweet boy, i wish we had more time together and i’m so sorry i cannot give you that.” she hugs spencer and starts to sway with him so peacefully.

“it’s okay sweetheart, it’s not your fault” he says reassuring her and holds her even tighter. “you have showed me what life is like when someone actually loves and cares for you.” she says “i am so grateful for you.”

as the song slowly comes to an end he lets out a loud breath and tears up at the thought of never getting to hold her again. the whole dance felt like it lasted for a life time. even though spencer isn’t religious he thanked god for making that last forever.

“you have to promise me one thing—that you will always love me no matter what, but you have to move on from me and not blame yourself.” she says looking into his beautiful golden eyes.

“yes darling i promise you, i promise you with my whole heart, soul and body.” he says kissing your head and pulling you closer to his chest.

“do you have to check into the hospital now darling?” he whispered more tears forming in his eyes. “yes” she looked down at her feet not even daring to look at his gorgeous eyes burning into her skull.

“thank you spence, thank you for loving me, thank you for caring, thank you for being you, thank you for our first date, thank you for our first kiss, the first time we made love, thank you for our beautiful life together, thank you for showing me what it’s like to love someone so much. take care of yourself darling. i want you to tell the team what happened darling when i’m gone. tell them i still want the whole team to love each other, tell penelope to keep up her bright aura, tell jj to look after henry and to cherish the time she has with them, tell derek to call me baby girl in the funeral, tell hotch to stop hiding his smile everytime you make a joke, tell emily to look after sergio and not to bring herself some so much, tell rossi to occasionally eat pasta by my grave and give me some wine while he’s there—and you spence i want you to just love me and move on and take your time with everything.” she says taking a shaky breath in and kissing him ever so softly.

“i will darling i promise you”

“you’re so beautiful spence, i don’t know how i got so lucky.”

“i love you spence.” she says as she puts her hand on spencer’s cheeks comforting him.

“i love you y/n/n” he says kissing her for the longest. the longest time ever actually. she rubs circles onto spencer’s cheek as he sobs into her chest—his wet tears soaking her shirt

she squeezes his hand signaling she has to go now. they both look at each other one more time and she shakes her head wanting this to be her last words to him.

she turns around and walks to the door but before she opens the creaky door she turns around again—memories filling her brain. she starts to take in the scent of spencer, the library, the scent of old books and coffee.

she opens the door and the cold winter air fills her fragile body up, clinging on to any warmth she has she slowly begins walking to the hospital. leaving a broken spencer sobbing in the library struggling to breathe, her bitter rosy cheeks start to numb up not feeling anything in her body.

blood starts dripping down her nose and she doesn’t panic how people would normally she just walks back to the library and sits down outside of it.

snow starts to fall down as bells start to ring, couples kissing and holding hands, people drinking coffee, the smell of fresh cold air fills her nose. she knows what’s coming next.

the death of his lover came that evening.