vampire boyfriend who thinks it’s cute when you bite him back

It’s a common misconception that vampirism automatically leads to bisexuality but shocking new information from the World Health Organization says that, through sheer coincidence, everyone who’s ever been turned into a vampire was already bisexual. Scientists and statisticians all over the globe are working hard to understand this absolute statistical clusterfuck. More at 11.

yea

*no chicago bc it would obviously sweep lol

I know that’s kind of the go-to thing to show that a vampire character is “one of the good ones” or whatever but it actually seems a little bit more fucked up for a vampire to steal blood from a blood bank than for a vampire to attack people for blood, at least as long as it’s not the kind of vampire where a bite is instantly lethal like it never stops bleeding. 

People can recover from losing some blood but blood bank blood is constantly in short supply and is reserved for people who imminently need blood transfusion of a specific blood type or else they die.

I also hate the “I can just substitute human blood with animal blood” like the whole idea of vampirism sort of hinges on the fact the only thing you can feed off of are humans.

YOU get it

Once you start having vampires subsist on animals, well, like, so do humans. In fact the average human probably eats more animals per year than most of the animal-blood-drinking vampires I’ve seen depicted.

That’s not a vampire, all you’ve written is an immortal superhuman who subsists on…food, even if it’s a bit undercooked. That’s a fucking elf.

Some of y’all’s ideas of other options for “ethical” vampires is insane.

“Ethical vampires should feed on criminals.” So it is ethical for a person to get death penalty without trial and/or to be literally consumed by other citizens as punishment for a crime? That’s the prison-industrial complex.

Can I speak my truth. I don’t think Brienne is even a little gay. I think she’s a kinsey zero who false positives on everyone’s radar. I think if you dropped brienne into new age 2024 she would get treated as a lesbian in her day to day life but whenever a woman liked her she’d be like. Ummmmmmm I’m really sorry but I don’t. Feel like that. I think she’d give lesbianism the good old college try bc of the direness of her male love life and come down firmly on the side of not attracted to women. I think she is quintessential pnw woman who you think is a slam dunk homerun lesbian based on everything about her who drops the word husband on you. I think she gets clocked on sight and mentions a partner named Jaime which makes people go. Okay. Partner i know that game. Jamie easily the name of a lesbian. Easily. And then she drops the he pronouns and you go. Well. Could still be a weird lesbian. And then Jaime is a business major in a frat with generational wealth. And HE is the kinsey five in the relationship.

salmon so tasty it make me eat hasty / when salmon is finished the joy is diminished

more stuff about becoming a god being inherently dehumanizing pls

too much focus on Ascension or becoming Greater not enough focus on what is Lost of you

you're not a person anymore, just a personification. you're a concept, an abstraction. all neatly defined boundaries and borders, none of the vagueries or blurring of lines or grey areas that come from being mortal.

you can never change, now. never grow or evolve, you are this, forever, stagnant. and the thing you've been made to embody might not even be your best trait.

they should have left dorian and the inquisitor in the in hushed whispers timeline for like a month just because it would’ve been funny

dorian: i can’t believe we have to walk through this desert. AGAIN

cassandra: we’ve... never been here before

inquisitor: dorian, cassandra doesn’t remember the battle of the western approach

dorian: oh of course. well, i’m not saying i liked the army of walking corpses, i am saying that they broke the monotony

inquisitor: i don’t miss the were-varghests. or the fade whirlpool

dorian: [in the tone of someone saying something absolutely hilarious] well you can’t really miss the fade whirlpool

inquisitor: [cracks up laughing]

cassandra: is this what heatstroke feels like

josephine: inquisitor i know you think it’s helpful but you have to stop saying “see that’s funny because those were literally your last words in the other timeline”

inquisitor: i don’t think it’s helpful

josephine: could you try to be? because our forces are falling apart as we speak.

inquisitor: oh wow. okay i know this is a boy who cried wolf situation here but those were literally the last—

inquisitor: hey mother giselle just brought me a letter and i want to say upfront i know i stood by you through the last time you reunited with your father but if we have to do it again i’m going to kill him

dorian: understandable but i’m going to have to ask you to not

inquisitor: can i at least tell him that in the other timeline we were gay married for three decades or something

dorian: a reasonable compromise

cullen: we met this tevinter necromancer two days ago and now he’s in all our war table meetings?

inquisitor: cullen i’m going to be real with you i was much more understanding the first time we had this conversation but if i am separated from the only person who understands what i’ve been through right now i’m going to start shaking like a chihuahua and then possibly start biting

dorian: i hate to admit to any such reliance but yes if you try to remove me i will probably simply tell you when you’ll die

inquisitor: and it’s not even a good one, cullen

dorian: distasteful way to go, really. pick something else this time

dorian: dare i ask why our dear friend solas has been looking at us like that

inquisitor: oh so you know how we still never really figured out what his deal was in the other timeline

dorian: i remember

inquisitor: i’ve been implying that we did just to fuck with him

inquisitor: i’ve

been implying that we did

just to fuck with him

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

HAIKU BOT??

You roll up to the Wizard Battle and your opponent takes out his spellbook but it’s just one of these

I'd leave. This is a sign that my opponent has the most fucked up unethical spells imaginable, and I am not about to be subject to Malchezar's Piercing Prostate Bomb or something

pokemon is about siccing your dog on a creature that is intrinsically, biologically, a baby mime

"A little" is exactly how much time you'll live.

Hater doesn't want to see a wizard balling

hurr hurr I'm a human body hurr hurr I'm gonna solve all my problems using mucus

"i require more fluids" well what did you do with the fluids I already gave you. hmm? did you make more mucus with them? you made more mucus with them.

Cookies represent the body of Santa while the milk represents the blood of Santa

Something about this is so genuine and funky. It feels so natural that if I heard the correct lyrics it wouldn't process as right in my brain. This man yelling about his green tea and watermelon sour patch kids fits so well with the live music playing in the background, the atmosphere, the whole situation. It's like some reverse slam poetry talking about how good life is and how the simple pleasures should be enjoyed. I'm in love with this tik tok.

old alt rock fans in the notes are like:

1) this slaps and actually sounds like a lot of the classics

2) if i went to a concert and they played this i wouldnt even question it. id be like FUCK yeah they were watermelon!!!