Yesterday I woke up late but I had this inherent feeling that something was wrong. I thought my depression and intrusive thoughts were running rampant for a moment so I honestly had no idea where they came from. I went downstairs to see my Uncle, brother and mom eating lunch together. My uncle asked me if I was okay and my mom asked me how I slept. I said I wasn't okay, I didn't sleep well, and walked into our garage. My Uncle walked in and asked me a couple times what was wrong, I kept shaking my head, saying "I don't know" but I was starting to cry.
Then he left to get my mom. She walks in to see me crying, again I'm asked "What's wrong?" and I keep saying "I don't know" over and over. I had no way to articulate the feeling of something being wrong other than saying 'I don't know', but I was crying and my mom was hugging me, like a lot. She even kissed me on the forehead, which I should've read as an indication of something going on but I Didn't.
We had a Halloween party last night and I couldn't shake the feeling that everything was shitty. Some friends that I wanted there couldn't make it but I tried my best to enjoy the night. I played host and tour guide and drink maker and greeter all night but again, something felt off.
Around 12:30 this morning my parents and Uncle sit me down and let me know my Great Uncle Tom passed away. In the early hours of yesterday morning he passed in his sleep. My dad had just gone to visit him and came back from Kansas on Wednesday, my parents were gonna go up to see him for his 92nd birthday this upcoming Thursday...
I couldn't stop crying and shaking because of grief and sadness and loss. I had just gotten him a sweater in his favorite color and a blanket that he loved because it was so soft. My mom had sewn a shawl for him to keep his shoulders warm and a sweetie pillow that I put a message in for Uncle Tom. I had put two Bible quotes in there, the date the pillow was completed, and a note from me wishing that this pillow would grant him peace while he slept. I didn't know this but when my dad told Uncle Tom, he had said, "Well how am I supposed to read what it says? I guess I can read it when I go to heaven."
I left to cry in the garage again and my Uncle came to talk to me. He told me that my parents found out this morning but didn't want me to know and spoil the party because Uncle Tom wouldn't have wanted that. He also said that it freaked my mom out because for her she sees things, but I feel things (we both have a history of either seeing of feeling loved ones when something bad is happening) and that this is what I was feeling all day but they couldn't tell me because it wasn't their place to, it was my dad's.
My name here on Tumblr is a pseudonym for privacy, but in reality it's my family's last name. My Nani (who passed away February 1st this year), my Uncle Tom and his Wife, my Aunt Mary and Aunt Florence all had a last name that came with their parents when they immigrated from Italy. They kept this name, but when his sisters got married, him and his wife were the last ones to carry this name.
My uncle left and my dad came in and I told him "I'm the last ______" and he said "and I'm the last Tom. So many men in our family had the name Tom but now It's Just Me." I told him this morning I came down the stairs and felt that something was wrong, that I couldn't figure out what was wrong, but I knew before I knew.
I miss my Uncle Tom profusely and I wish I had gotten to see him when my dad left for Kansas this last week, or go with my parents when they visited last month. I wish I had gotten one more phone call, one more hug, but I didn't. I do know without a doubt that he loves me and he decided that I'm to be the Timekeeper or Historian for our family. Months ago I recorded down stories from his life and even some of my Nani's before her passing.
Uncle Tom, I promise to write as much as I can and I don't have to worry about you not getting to read it because I know you're in heaven and will be able to see it too. I love you so very much.
