chappell roan, "red wine supernova"

“Howard… I hate you so much for leaving me here, sometimes I hope you die. I’m sorry. I feel awful admitting that, but it’s the truth. I was curious about other men. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about a stranger satisfying your wife, and I swear it was only once. It was a mistake. It wasn’t him that I wanted. I know that now. And I wish things could just go back to the way they were before, but I don’t see how they could, not after the things I’ve done. Oh, Howard. I realize how this all must sound. Honestly, there was a time I was flattered to have someone as handsome as you pine over me. You’re such a good person. I know that. I made sure to always be mindful with your heart. I never wanted you to feel jealous. It’s an awful feeling like a rot, the way it just twists and turns at your insides. I know that aching so well. I feel it. Whenever I see others whose lives come easy because the truth is, I’m not really a good person. The reason I kept my eyes to the ground around other men was never to avoid hurting you. It’s because I understood how lucky I was to have your attention. I may be a poor farm girl, Howard, but I’m not stupid. I spotted you the moment you came to live with us. You worked hard like the other farmhands, but you were different. You’re from somewhere. A nice, comfortable place that you could return to whenever you wanted. I’m so desperate to have that. All my life, I’ve wanted off this farm and you were my ticket out. So… I made sure to never let you see who I really was. It worked like a charm, too. Then when you finally brought me back to your home to meet your family, it was just as I hoped. A life straight out of the pictures. At least that’s what it felt like to me. And you didn’t want it. You just wanted to stay here on our farm, and that made me so angry. How could you? I’m certain you knew I hated it, you must’ve. How could you be so selfish and cruel after all I’ve done to make you happy? I was even pregnant with your baby. I never wanted to be a mother. I loathed the feeling of it growing inside me. It felt like sickness. Pulling and sucking on me like some needy animal in a barn. How could I be responsible for another life? Life terrifies me. It’s harsh, and bleak, and draining. I was so relieved when it died. It was one less weight keeping me trapped here, but then the war came and you left me, too. Why did you leave me, Howard? I hate feeling like this. So pathetic. Do people like you ever feel this way? I figure you don’t. You seem so perfect all the time. Lord must’ve been generous to you. He never answers any of my prayers. I don’t know why. What did I do? What is wrong with me? Please, just tell me so maybe I can get better. I don’t want to end up like Mama. I want to be dancing up on the screen like the pretty gals in the pictures. I want what they have so badly, to be perfect, to be loved from as many people as possible to make up for all my time spent suffering. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and the fear washes over me, ‘cause what if this is it? What if this is right where I belong? I’m a failure. I’m not pretty or naturally pleasant, or friendly. I’m not smart, or funny, or confident. I’m exactly what Mama said I was, weak. I don’t know why. What did I do? Why wasn’t my family like yours? I hate what it feels like to be me and not you. I’m so scared that when you finally come home, you’ll see me and be frightened like everyone else is. I know what I’ve done, the bad things, terrible, awful, murderous things. I regret them now, but I liked how they felt. I wish I didn’t, but I did. At first, it was only animals smaller than myself. Nothing with feelings. Nothing that could hurt me back. It felt good. Killing’s easier than you think, till recently with Mama and the boy from the picture house. They were different. They were more meaningful. I hurt them so they too might know what it feels like to suffer, but poor Daddy didn’t deserve that. I wish I hadn’t done what I did. Mama meant well. She had a hard life. She only wanted a home to feel safe in. I can see that. I thought I hated her, but I just want to feel safe, too. Lord… I made such a mess of things. I don’t know how much more I can take. I need to clean this up. All of it. I need to make things right before you see me again. Maybe if I can turn this farm into a home for us like you wanted, things will finally be different. I can forgive. I can be who you want me to be if you’ll just stay with me. Would you do that, please? I can’t be all by myself anymore. It’s too hard. We can love each other. I’ll do that for you if you really meant all that “till death do us part.” It’d be enough, just you and me here on this farm. All I really want is to be loved. I’m having such a hard time without it lately.”

Chappell Roan on Audience Participation, Playing a Character and Being Horny (Polyester Zine, September 2023)