I’m heading back to California! That’s me and my road buddy, Roderick.

I think I’m finally ready to start rebuilding my life. I was spectacularly messy while in Maryland, got pretty lost, honestly. But I needed that, I think. It was a bit like another adolescence and I had to re-learn some difficult lessons. I lost ground, but while I was in the basement I saw the cracks in my foundation and I’m ready to get to work.

Right now I’m in Chicago and will be having dinner at a Michelin three-star restaurant! I’ve never been to one before and I’m stupid excited. When my friend asked me if I could possibly be in Chicago on March 30 for chef’s table, I just about fell over from happiness. 😍

Pretty great start to my sixth trek cross country.

Then historic Route 66 back home. Mr. Downing had always wanted to do that, so obviously I kinda have to.

I love you all and always will. 💜🌈💜

Dating has gotten WEIRD

I think I’m gonna take a break from dating apps—because apparently that’s how the kids date these days.

Ultimately, I always knew I was just practicing, but damn if it isn’t the strangest experience.

People are so much more guarded, now. I mean, obviously, twentysomethings have far less baggage than forty and fiftysomethings. But my situation is quite different, as I’m ‘available’ because Mr. Downing had to go and die like a dumbass. The boys in my age-appropriate range, however, are divorced, separated, or deeply deluded about being in a horrific marriage. 

And they haven't learned SHIT. Way to double down on being narrow idiots, guys.

Like, I met this one boy who I really vibed with. We texted and joked, rapid fire. He even asked me to spend NYE with him after one date. You know I booked that hotel room, because I’m an absolute slut for romance. Then he completely ghosted me, after he was super paranoid about ME ghosting HIM! He brought me a copy of his favorite book on that one date. So strange.

Well, Perry will never be taken down by a man. Honestly, Mr. Downing loved how shiny my spine is. I might walk up to the line of compromising myself for another human being, but I haven’t ever given away my self-respect.

After a stunningly ridiculous misunderstanding—truly, I was so, so Perry—I think I need to press pause. There’s one more fellow in the queue, he’s done the work, so I’ll meet him for coffee because I don’t know how to be cruel. 

After that, though, I need a break. 

I’m pretty sure Mr. Downing would have laughed until he could barely breathe about the last three months. I’m equally sure he would have punched a few noses. 

Uhm, so ...

I feel so conflicted about this, but I've recently decided to re-enter the dating dance. Dating apps weren't a thing in 2001, so it's pretty wild. I just ... I feel so guilty, that folks will think it means I don't love Patrick Downing with every fiber of my being.

But I didn't want to hide anything from y'all, because I've figured out that if I can't share it, maybe I shouldn't be doing it at all.

Now. How do I explain about the furies at my back?

Another fantastic picture by my sister. He’s so impish!

I could love you

I could love you is so much more powerful than I love you. Because can you truly love someone without their consent? Love is something you weave together. Yes, someone has to blink first, but what if that moment of vulnerability told the truth? 

I could love you.

Otherwise it’s kinda a power play?