Appleseed & Sweet Pea

How do you announce a break up? What is the least weird way to tell people collectively so you don’t have to live through telling everyone individually and dealing with the awkwardness of it. People don’t know how to respond, they’re very shocked and concerned.. I just don’t want to talk about it. Like I’m ok. Mostly. Some days are hard because life feels messy but yeah I would just rather people know.. but I don’t know how to do that. Facebook posts are like ‘we’re engaged!’ ‘We’re having a baby!’ All good news stuff. Feels weird to be like ‘after 12 years we broke up but we’re all good thanks everyone’ 🤣

2022 right. So morgan and I are separated now. My kids caught covid. They’re fine. I’m fine. Life is kinda messy but I am doing ok. 🥰

A friend posted on Instagram she’s not getting the covid vaccine because it only reduces the severity of covid and we all need to accept it’s just going to be part of our lives from now on, along with years of restrictions. Yes girl, that’s fucking true. The key point here is the REDUCES SEVERITY (and the risk of death) so hospitals aren’t overwhelmed and the people who need need access to oxygen or ventilation can have it in a timely manner.

This is not about people who aren’t getting the vaccine because they don’t think it works or are worried about the risk - that’s a whole different thing. But to actually acknowledge that it reduces severe illness and works but refuse to get it because it won’t magically fix things and we’ll go back to normal is wild to me.

I am so burnt out in every possible way. Today is the first day off I’ve been kid free and instead of relaxing I’m running around planning a bathroom renovation by myself. I feel like crying. I feel so taken advantage of, every time one of my family members asks me for a favour I feel sick with stress. It’s never anything huge but it’s just so much because there are so manyof us. Morgan takes advantage of me. I get no thanks for doing absolutely everything for the kids, the house work, the shopping, the mental load. He just works and spends his days off lying around or playing video games. My stupid dog pees on everything so today ive been washing cushion covers, curtains, a couch cushion.. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m very down. Every aspect of my life is taking from me right now and I’ve got nothing coming in, nothing filling up my cup. And as I write this I’m about to go into 5 days straight of work, including two night shifts at the end. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to run away.

We got pre-approved for our home loan! The bank guy we’ve been working with actually rang us and asked if we wanted to borrow more which was nice. We don’t - we’ll take our shoebox house for now until the market settles down 😅

I am utterly enraged by the ‘freedom’ protests around australia today. I did the elective caesarean shift yesterday for a woman who was isolating. Actually, the whole hospital was rearranged to cope with women presenting for monitoring or birth who are in isolation. It was so much, in every way. Staff are working so hard, the women we are caring for are making sacrifices for the good of the community and for the staff caring for them.. and then there are people gathering in groups, in hot spots, not wearing masks.. for their right to.. not wear masks and move around without any regard for the health of others. Stinks of privilege, and the were attacking the horses the police were on. It is so frustrating.

Pretty sure this lock down will be extended so I’m just mentally preparing for that. I’m not sure what the go is for moving between houses when you’re an essential worker. I have 7 shifts in the next 9 days and they’re trying to get me to take another 😑 and three of those are 10.5 hour night shifts so fml. Not that I have anything else to do though I guess. So I need to take the kids to mums so she can look after them but I might just have to start being locked down at hers. I just hate the uncertainty i don’t know how victorians did it for so long last year.. and again now. Don’t actually get why our initial case didn’t quarantine when coming from NSW, it doesn’t make sense to me. Anyway yeah fuck covid and all that jazz. I can’t picture a future without it and I’m guessing it’s cause there isn’t one. I suppose everyone is just watching England to see what happens with their freedom after mostly vaccinating everyone. 🤷‍♀️

I’m just putting this out there because I feel like I’m going crazy but ever since I had my covid vaccine (number 2) my cycles have been crazy. My cycles are always 26-28 days and have been for the last 3 years. The last one was 31 days, and then this one was 19 days so I obviously didn’t ovulate, plus I’ve had spotting on and off the whole time. It’s so horrible.. Especially wanting to have a baby so badly 😭 WHY NOW?! I hope it goes back to normal soon. Did this happen to anyone else? When I google it there’s a lot of reports of it and doctors mainly dismissing it 😒

We spoke to Morgan’s bank and looks like we’re getting our home loan sorted within the next fortnight. As in commencing the application, I have no idea how long approval takes but it’s a bank that deals solely with medical professionals so hopefully that speeds it up.

I thought I was pregnant this month. We didn’t try exactly Morgan’s still not on board but he’s pretty lax with contraception for someone who doesn’t want a baby 🤷‍♀️ my period was 5 days late which it NEVER is. I did a test at the 2 day late mark and it was negative but I didn’t get a positive with Phoenix until I was nearly 5 weeks pregnant so thought maybe it was gonna be like that. I am so sad. I want a baby so badly 😭 financially it now makes more sense to wait 5-6 months like I intended (I don’t want a baby born in winter/cold months) but I’m so impatient and I’m scared he won’t feel differently then either. I just wish I had a partner who got clucky and wanted more kids. 😭😭

I saw the psychologist for the first time. It was in the city which is a pain, I hate parking in the city. Left early, drove around for ages, eventually found a 1 hour park but would need to leave my appt 10 mins early to get back to the car. Then when I got there they actually had free allocated parking out the front 🥲 I was a ball of fuckin stress by the time she called me in, and I blurted out ‘I need to leave soon I have to move my car, I don’t want a fine and I didn’t know you had parking here’ and she was like ‘well why don’t you just move it now so you’re not worried?’ And I’m like damn this is why I’m paying you, good idea 🤣 the appointment went fine, she was really nice. I cried the whole time of course lmao. I don’t know why I expect I’ll be fine but obviously I’m there because I can’t cope with certain things. She said it does sound like I have OCD but she thinks we’ll be fairly successful in treating it as the worst parts are restricted to a narrow range of things. And I have pretty bad anxiety but I knew that already. I also cried because I just think.. like i can’t believe this is my life forever?? Why do I have to spend the rest of my life over analysing shit, stressing out and constantly trying to calm myself down. It’s exhausting. I just wanna be a chill person.

Morgan and I are now fighting over having another baby. He’s flipped back to ‘nah it’s not a good idea right now’ so that’s just great and cool for me who, after he was leaning towards yes, spent ages mentally preparing and psyching myself up. Now I feel a bit lost again. We had an argument last night and I feel really flat. I just don’t know what to do. It’s so hard when relationships are so often fake.. like you look at Instagram and movies and shit and people are so happy all the time. I know it’s normal to have good and bad times.. and we’ve been together for 11 years so it’s not butterflies in your tummy anymore but I dunno. Is there meant to be more than this? I’m renovating this house by myself, I have spent the last week off painting the hallways and lounge room, I look after the kids 90% of the time without him (he’s always at work), do the cooking, cleaning, manage the bills, food shopping, all the house/kid stuff. I feel lonely and I just think that if I want to take on having another baby, it’s only me I’d be making it hard for. 🤷‍♀️

I just completed my appt to get a mental health care plan thingo and have finally gotten an appt with the psychologist I wanted! I get stuck in this cycle of having bad mental health and feeling hopeless + trapped so I don’t do anything... and then when it resolves and my mental health is better I’m like yay, cured 😎 so after some good chats with my beautiful sister I’m doin things!!

Had my covid vaccine yesterday. It was the second one. I got my first pfizer 4 weeks ago, and just had a sore arm. This time I felt fine. Woke up with a start at 2am and knew my period had come lol. I was prepared for that though. I always get bad cramps. And then within 10 minutes my skin felt kinda prickly. Then I had a fever, chills, headache, nausea and body aches all come on super fast. I really felt horrendous. Managed to drag myself out of bed to get paracetamol and an anti nausea pill, then was overwhelmed by the feeling of needing to vomit so laid on the ground for a bit 😅 managed to get back to bed and fell asleep about an hour later, then woke up without a fever which is nicer.. but my body is aching and I’m so tired. My arm hurts so bad.

Anyway it’s fine. But if you get your second pfizer make it for when you have a few days off just in case lol. Fully vaccinated now though, yay! I’m wondering if this reaction means I woulda been the person who got super sick with covid or if my immune system is very strong and I would have been totally fine. I guess I’ll (hopefully) never know!

Wow the amount of women in parenting groups who respond to literally any question regarding like.. childhood behaviour, bloating, skin concerns with ‘just cut out dairy, gluten and soy’ baffles me. Like if your health care provider recommends that sure. But that’s a lot of food groups to cut out. I don’t even consume dairy and even though I don’t want to, I recognise that it’s a big thing to do and deal with finding replacements. I couldn’t even imagine losing gluten and soy too lmao. I’m assuming people don’t do shit just because random lady in Facebook group told you to but DAMN. Also on this issue - any baby with any breastfeeding issue - it’s gotta be a tie. And also cut out dairy and soy. Lmao. Totally think they’re a thing and for some babies that is the cause, but it’s not gonna be every single baby. Most of the time it sounds like the lass has an over supply or strong letdown which would be far more easily assessed for. I’m saying this as someone who used to be an admin for a breastfeeding group with thousands of members. I feel like it would be far more supportive to recommend providers who can assist with the assessment of these potential issues than just jumping straight to ‘try this really difficult thing while you’re already having a shit time’. Thank you for reading my rant.. I should just stay off of Facebook 🤣

Ok this isnt meant to be rude it’s just a thing I’ve noticed but all the Americans I follow on Insta.. like why they all talk so slow? In their stories it’s like ‘hiiiiiii eeeeveerryyoooonnnneeee! Hoowwww aaaaaareee youuuu? Every word is stretched out.. And I just can’t watch anymore like spit it out guys. I don’t even have time for this. Australians don’t even say every letter it’s like ‘hey howzit goin’. Is it just the people I follow or what lol.

I’ve had the best few days at work. On two occasions I’ve missed the birth by 20 minutes 😭😭 but they were both such beautiful labours. We have a high epidural rate being a tertiary hospital and I don’t have anything against epidurals - I’ve had them myself but as a midwife it’s always amazing to see to see what women go through labour without pain relief, the very limits of physical suffering imo lol but they rocked it. One was a VBAC too 😭 I’m gonna miss delivery so much after this last month is up, I hope I rotate back there ASAP.

I think Morgan and I will start TTC over the next few months at some point. I’m kinda hoping for April and may, then we’ll stop for a bit because I don’t want a late autumn/winter baby... just bc trauma with Casper getting influenza as a newborn 🥲 can’t even believe I’m saying that because for a long time there I didn’t think we’d ever try for another. I just feel like I’m pushing my luck for some reason. But anyway I don’t know if it will be that soon or later in the year.

As time goes on the closer I get to the months I told Morgan I’d like us to TTC the more scared I feel.. I think the combination of my own childbirth experiences, like really difficult epidural insertion with Phoenix, and another difficult one with Casper plus a forceps delivery with basically no pain relief.. and a really difficult physical recovery from Phoenix (I honestly think I had a haematoma in my pelvis from the forceps but my concerns weren’t ever investigated - I could go on about that), combined with seeing women in the pain of labour and experience complications during labour and birth. It fucking scares me. I feel sick when I think about going through it again. And even opting for a caesarean is out of the question because I’m scared as fuck about that too - I know so well the surgery is major and the recovery can be incredibly difficult too. I just wish I had the option of a home birth but I know I’m not low risk so it’s not safe. I just feel like I’d feel more safe and in control at home. From the very start of my inductions I didn’t feel particularly comfortable in the hospital room, and it just felt (rightly so) that everyone’s just watching you, waiting for something to happen. That pressure gets to me.

Edit: I just wanted to also add that it’s like the fear of labour pain and also being scared of the epidural so it’s either one horror or another.. I sat up for the epidural for over an hour, they had to call the consultant, I kept feeling him put the needle into my bone which hurt so much, and had flashbacks of that for months after. The same thing happened with Casper although it wasn’t quite as long and the registrar managed to do it in the end but both times, by the time they laid me back down it was time to push (which then became forceps both freaking times) so it was just agony sitting there trying to be still through contractions.. along with the gross feelings in my spine from the procedure. I’m just a person who hates not being in control. Birth is just the ultimate experience of surrendering and I struggle with that so hard. I really panic.

I think birth is the main fear but I’m also so anxious about miscarriage and having another IUGR baby. The scans and the stress. There is part of me that doesn’t want to go through it again and thinks I should just count my two blessings.

Night shifts done! 3 feels so much more manageable lol. I had 10 hours of labour care the first night, a birth second night (but it went from starting to push to a 10 minute bradycardia and emergency forceps) and then last night I looked after a woman after she’d just had her babe, then after I took her to postnatal I had a labourer. I had a great team on with me which helped, all the senior midwives were so supportive. I just feel a bit like I need to get into the swing of things again. I did my first ARM (broke waters) on a woman who was 3cm dilated which was tricky.. I have short fingers 😅 so that was good to build my confidence. Ive done it before but only when they’re 6cm+ and it’s much easier.

Anyway I’m tired as hell 🥲