@arthur-r / arthur-r.tumblr.com

he/him, 17, queer and disabled. this blog is really just for talking to my friends, but if you’ve found yourself here somehow then welcome!! and send me pictures of bears, and latin poetry, and thesaurus posts if you are so inclined. i’m a bit of an anxious mess though so don’t expect me to have any sort of normalcy posting on here, i tend to go without posting for weeks at a time. but i’m almost always around if somebody really wants to get ahold of me, asks welcome!!
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unfortunately set of notifications

#(this is talking about saturday not friday it says tomorrow cause it just turned midnight)#i got really sick and anxious today and i didn’t know why but my mom blames my birthday#so wish me luck 👍 i’m gonna be eighteen years old#(for anybody who doesn’t know i don’t TEND to celebrate my april birthday i do my october birthday instead#but saturday is the one where i actually turn eighteen.)#i will actually be having a sleepover on friday night though which isn’t about my birthday but will coincide#but other than that i’m just working a lot. and taking a test. and it will be whatever#idk wish me luck. i am just feeling sick and strange and weird but i’ll figure it out#IN THEORY I AM EXCITED FOR MY BIRTHDAY#like i don’t want it to be this sad evil day that i hate. and it’s not#it’s just so much worse to have a bad day when it’s your birthday. and i often have bad days. so that’s all that the problem is#so whatever. i will hopefully have a good day that day and then it will be a good day. i just like to have a failsafe so it doesn’t have to#count as my birthday if it doesn’t go good. like yeah it’s my birthday but no it isn’t. not until i say it is#idk i don’t make the rules except for i do. ANYWAY goodnight#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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DONE WITH PROGRAMMING now i just have other different programming tasks. but i’m done with a little piece of it. and i’m gonna say that’s important and good

#now i need to make a program for reading and writing to files it’s gonna be another recipe program#man i want to live in chicago. stupid ex was supposed to take me there but here we are#anyway the recipe reader program will be due tomorrow night at 10pm#i’m also going to a research symposium tomorrow night whatever that looks like#ok. i have my test tomorrow too. and then my presentation on friday. and my other test on saturday#and i will make it through. right now i’m gonna have some water and freshen up. and that will be good#I TOLD YOU IT WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN. assignments on dash. i’m processing#also: never awake by alex vile#anyway good luck for everybody we are making it through#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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things about today (some good some bad)

#sorry for listing homework on dash it will happen again 😞#that’s exactly how i feel rn: 😞#i need to sleep so bad. WISH ME LUCK. i will make it through this school year#i hope everybody is doing well. lmk if you need anything. i’ll probably be absent from like 6-9 central though#but i should be around before and after!! and text me whenever and i can get back to you of course#and ANYWAY i hope everybody has a good night. and i am sending love 💛🐻🍁#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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these are all piled together in the same part of my brain and i’m so obsessed with it

#IM SORRY FOR POSTING JUKEBOX THE GHOST UNDER MY SKIN LIKE ITS FINE ART#BUT MAYBE IT IS. MAYBE IT IS#actually. im sorry for posting POOLBOY KING OF COOL as if it were fine art HELLO#a minute earlier: when you go leave me my baseball glove…. some cigarettes…. and a playboy…. that’s all i really want….#five seconds later: cause i will.. give you asthma…. every time you try to run…. so don’t run…..#BUT have you ever been trapped for the next nine months with your dick in your hand EATING ARTERIES FOR LUNCH. no i dont think so#anywayyyy#these are um. ok so in order it’s:#i.b. vyache — a poem called victim complex. from the book conversations over sanguinnaccio dolce#minimall — static!! one of the coolest best songs ever in the world and i love it very much#poolboy — king of cool it’s such a strange and bad song but it’s also so visceral and i love it so much#and last but not least jukebox the ghost under my skin#when i was really into that song like four years ago my mom thought that he was singing about PICKLES#i can fit two pickles under my skin!! i will prove it if you will listen!!!!#shdhdf anyway something something consumption devotion something something being a home being a hearth being an ORGAN being a VESSEL#not to run a dead joke into the ground but it keeps being so TRUE: i am a HOUSE FUCKER i swear#anyway there are definitely more of these like on my pinterest probably but these are the ones i had off the top of my head shdhdf#could somebody climb around in here and join me ‼️#anyway. i hope everybody is doing well. i have ANOTHER advisor appointment today (information science this time!!) and i’m also so tired#OH and i have a ten page paper to write by sunday…. but it’s chill and normal i got this 👍#anyway i hope everybody is doing well lmk if you need anything!!!!#with best wishes and kind regards sincerely yours!!!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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what’s really embarrassing is my roommate on the phone with his mom saying “yeah i’ve been getting really sloppy i haven’t cleaned in a week it’s terrible” and my side of the room is just like that. all of the time. and i feel guilty but he also hasn’t ever said anything to my face he moved my stuff some at the beginning of the year but has never talked to me about it and i’m also so fucking ill that i just cant really handle adding that to my list while trying to also not fail school. so here i am being a terrible person i guess. did i tell you guys about turtle-person. have i showed my bracelets. i’m gonna go to sleep but in the morning i need to show my bracelets

#help i have work tomorrow. i also feel sick and strange. wish me luck#the sun was around today which was incredible but also i think it gave me too much mental energy#cause for the first time in forever i had the brightness of spirit to go for a walk. but that’s not the same as having the blood flow for it#so i think i overexerted myself cause of being finally happy and mentally energized i forgot about being physically disabled#i also had to explain POTS to somebody today and she was literally like ‘oh is that the thing where you need to have salt’ and NO like#i do have a really high salt intake to cope with POTS. but that’s not the fucking thing yknow?? like no that’s not what the thing i have is#it has nothing to do with salt. salt is a fun little coincidence that it can help with water retention which in turn helps with POTS#and it raises blood pressure is i think the other reason? but anyway idk i would honestly rather she just not know about it than have like#that very particular tiktok version of it like i am so glad for internet knowledge being spread and stuff and i mean. i guess even the posts#that i’m about to complain about are good for making people feel like they’re not alone. so maybe it’s fine. but i was going to complain of#the videos that are like ‘‘that one POTS friend’’ and it’s just like. salty food. instead of like. having to sit down?? BEING FATIGUED??#and like whatever. whatEVER but i wish it wasn’t getting conflated with one particular little way of treating it. even though i use that way#i don’t have needs-a-lot-of-salt-disease. like that’s not the point. that’s not the issue. it’s not a salt deficiency. salt just helps#and it doesn’t FIX it. it just helps. that’s all#ANYWAY EVERYTHING IS FINE. i feel sick though. but i’m gonna sleep and i’ll be fine#i miss before i had a job cause then i could sleep all day if i skipped class and it would be really nice. but now i have a job i would be#missing on my responsibilities for. and I don’t actually have accommodations. but im gonna sleep i’ll be fine#and library book cart is actually so rollator. like as far as being able to walk the library situation is such a win#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep now. but yeah idk i’m sick and a mess what else is new. but i have something whatever i’m good theres something#unrequited love for life or something like that. ok im gonna go to bed sorry for being weird and strange all the time!!!!#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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turns out im down bad actually?? (have started comparing her to the moon)

#INSTINCTIVELY#like i was just thinking damn the moon is beautiful it’s ethereal and gorgeous just like [REDACTED]#had to stop myself and be like OH#anyway we had a sleepover last night we had a great time. i’m not gonna ever date her that would mess things up. but good to know how i feel#shdhddf anyway i’m in a weird position now i’m with some people who i felt like i should come hangout to be friendly but they’re just doing#homework and i left mine at home to be social but like i would really rather be in my bed rn i thought we were like hanging out for real#i’m so hungry though i might have that be my thing. sorry guys gotta go eat 😔 nothing to be done#also watched the most incredible lesbian movie yesterday it ruined itself with the ending but it was so iconic i really enjoyed it#it’s called kissing jessica stein!! and i highly recommend it. it’s a product of its time as far as bisexuality goes#but it was really close to being the best movie in the world minus like two scenes shdhdf#anyway wish me luck. love 💛#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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ALSO okay i’m sorry i’m being such a mess i’m in a weird combination of like anxious mania and also genuine delight from being out in the sunlight but ALSO crushing fatigue from being out in the sunlight and to top it all off i’m heavily procrastinating a ten page research paper i have to write. BUT if anyone wants to befriend me on an astrology social media (a very compelling offer i know shdhdf. i’m so sorry cause i’m secretly a horoscope lover like i have only been getting through it lately because of what the stars are purportedly promising to me) there’s this app it’s called costar and it makes like group horoscopes for you and your friends and it gives you a personal daily outlook too and it’s just kind of my favorite thing. so if anyone wants to put blind faith in an algorithmically calculated star chart. i know i’m selling it so well. it’s just kind of my favorite and i would love to have my friends on there if anybody is down. cause i swear it’s like. actually genius and so reassuring at times. i don’t have the energy to make my own meaning lately so i’ve been outsourcing it and it’s been working out great actually

#this is an AWFUL ad for costar but please. be my astrology friend i’ll love you forever#anyways i need to write my paper!!!! setting my dorm building on fire#ANYWAY i’m so here. i’m right here if anybody needs anything. sending love 💛#me. my post. mine.#delete later#ask to tag#OH text me if you get costar and i’ll friend you!!!! would genuinely be so happy and excited#ok anyway!!!! i have to pretend to be responsible or something#wish me luck 🤧
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also this. what if we stop spinning and what if we’re just flat and what if jesus himself ate my fucking snatch? and what if i’m an angel!! and what if i’m a bore!!!! and what if i was confident would you just hate me more????

lyrics: i went and walked myself like a dog without a leash / now i’m growling at a stranger, i am biting at their knees / if i wanted it, you really think i’d wait for the permission / for protection and assurances that all would be delivered / like our fathers did, our mothers did, and them and those before / you say you want a difference, your honor to be yours / like our fathers did, our mothers did, and them and those before / the echo and a retell of some shit we heard before / and what if we stop spinning, and what if we’re just flat / and what if jesus himself ate my fucking snatch / and what if i’m an angel, and what if i’m a bore / and what if i was confident, would you just hate me more!!!! / oh, i’ve got heaven inside of me / and oh, i’m an angel, i was sent here to keep you company / i’m on an endless march of nothingness with breath inside my chest / and the promise of a life that you deserved, that you thought best / i’m stuck inside my loneliness, i’m stuck inside my grief / i wish i could have been there to save you from the reach / i am spiteful like a god, take out vengeance like the rest / for what they did to you, i will never lay to rest / it’s raw and unrelenting, it is absolute regression / it is vileness wrapped up and disguised as happy endings / oh, i’ve got heaven inside of me / and oh, i’m an angel, i was sent here to keep you company / i’m stuck inside my loneliness, i’m stuck inside my grief / i wish i could have been there to save you from the reach / i am spiteful like a god, take out vengeance like the rest / for what they did to you, i will never lay to rest / i go and walk myself outside, a dog without a leash / now i’m growling at a stranger, i am biting at their knees!!!!

#sorry no full lyrics for this one maybe i’ll write it out later but the important part is right there#also i went and walked myself like a dog without a leash now i’m growling at a stranger i am biting at their knees 🐶#shdhdf i’m listening to a playlist called ‘‘songs i have been obsessed with in college’’#so as you might expect. i’m kind of obsessed with all of the music coming on rn#me. my post. mine.#delete later#music#OK i gave it real lyrics. don’t mind me shdhdf i don’t at all understand my philosophy of tumblr#i just need words that matter to me to be in places. even though i’m usually the only person to look at them
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lyrics: all my mistakes are a work of art / love letters aimed straight for the heart / should i let them / teach me how to fall apart / it gets better when you get on top and show me how it works / i could never be your kind of flirt / tell me that you’re falling out of love / cause i could never be your kind of drug / love me til the morning cause it hurts to be the one that’s headed for the / curb your appetite and drink your tea with herbs / helps if you just believe it does / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / sick of sitting pretty in my pearls / thinking i could ever be your girl / do you even notice when i’m gone? / the thought of you, it keeps me up til dawn / waiting, wishing, wanting for your love / but don’t think i could ever be enough / to satisfy your raging taste for blood / but maybe that’s just the way we love / tell me all your secrets and i’ll leave you in the morning / help me fight my demons and i’ll love you without warning / i’ve been waiting so long for someone like you to come / i thought i’d found the answer to all of my lonely nights / coming down, have i reached the ground?have i reached the ground? have i reached the ground?

i’m obsessed with this song rn listening to it on repeat so just thought i’d share

#i hate how you have to like. live through things and learn from them like why can’t i just know everything already#cannot handle experiencing the blunders and pains of life like shouldn’t i be fucking past that by seventeen 🤧#are you telling me there’s decades more to live. and i have to just keep experiencing uncomfortable situations and learning the red flags#i literally just want to be done experiencing things already. ANYWAY i’m obsessed with this song. and reblogging it again cause it’s so real#delete later
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actually so relieved to run into this weird vent art from like a week before my partner broke up with me and remember how i was actually profoundly unhappy when we were together. like i literally would have broken up with him within the next couple weeks probably. all it would have changed if he hadn’t broke up with me would be that a valentine’s day together would be a lasting painful memory. whereas our relationship is nearly managing to comfortably fade into background noise.

#this art is weird which is why i never posted it shdhdf but i figure it goes along with self-actualization/the silly stupid angel song#i remember the same time i drew this i had drawn a monster based off my now-ex (it’s in a notebook somewhere)#and i just kept drawing and giving it more evil attributes and thinking why am i doing this it’s supposed to be my partner#but like. my subconscious fucking knew. he was basically a demon feeding on my life force#anyway i’m a fan of the bloody keyhole in my chest cause that’s so real#i love when i write or draw something and then like. months later i finally get to the realization that i subconsciously clearly highlighte#like yeah he’s demanding symmetry from me (golden ratio) and fucking clawing to get to my secrets (keyhole) and expecting me to be this#idealized and appealing figure but also refusing to give me any actual affection in response like i’m just a fucking statue to stare at#and then idk i’m bleeding golden blood because WHY NOT shdhdf maybe there’s symbolism i figure out later but i think that part’s just rad#oh and of course a halo like from THAT ONE GUY WHAT IS HIS NAME paintings#i want to say like giorgio but that’s not right. WHO IS THE GUY WHO PAINTS THE GOLD HALOS#GIOTTO i looked it up it’s my best friend giotto!!!! i can’t believe i turned my back on him…. forgot his name…. anyway i love his halos#and i was halfheartedly emulating that while i was drawing shdhdf. so anyway that’s the story of this whole thing#but no it’s so good to notice that actually i was discontented and needed to break out of the pattern. cause like i don’t think i fully#understood that i’m ALLOWED to end something i’m not happy with. so even though i deserved to i wouldn’t have done it. so it’s a lesson now#i’m aware that it’s something i’m able to do and something that i should have done. and i’ll do it earlier next time. ANYWAY sorry for this#ex talk#vent cw#i’m so normal i promise. i’m actually getting really normal about it genuinely though. basically fine kinda sorta almost. shdhdhdf#anyway i hope everybody is doing well. sorry for just throwing stuff around every once in a while and being otherwise absent#lmk if you need anything anytime!!!! love and light /gen#me. my post. mine.#delete later#ask to tag
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also idk what it is about historical societies and bright blue branding but hello is there no way to pursue my career path without having to wear a lanyard in colors that make me viscerally uncomfortable. hello!!!!!!!!!

#darn historical societies not specifically considering warm-color-autistics when they make their calm and approachable branding choices#have you considered that i personally would not like this. jeez#anywayyyy i just got off work and I’m gonna eat dinner and stuff. lunch sort of. slept til noon so it’s all out of whack#anyway i hope everybody is doing well!! lmk if you need anything!!!!#ALSO tumblr is guilty of this too. get your bright blue OUT OF MY FACE. SHUT UP#but i persevere. i persevere. everything will be okay#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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also had the worst jumpscare yesterday at the dining hall i watched my ex walk out of the convenience store and then immediately aspired to just not notice him and let him take the lead on whether or not we are people who talk to each other, but looking back on it he almost 100% saw me see him and now assumes that i have personally decided to be people who don’t interact. which is FINE because he’s the fucking worst and i hate him. but GOD i just want him to come over and talk to me so i can even make a case for myself. like i’m still just looking for the opportunity to say “hey i was so on board to be friends but i don’t feel like you’ve treated me with respect or regard for my existence as a human being” but instead he just sees me duck behind walls and thinks “man what a weirdo who just randomly decided to hate me for the sole reason that i wasn’t romantically interested anymore. wow that’s so shallow and rude of him”

#and he PROBABLY doesn’t direct that amount of regard to me now either. he probably thinks fucking nothing of it#but like. i do not want to be the reason this relationship failed!!!! and i mean. i fucking wasn’t cause he’s an asshole#and i mean he didn’t CLAIM for me to be the reason it failed either. he really did the whole breakup pragmatism objectively well#but like. idk. he broke up with me because he didn’t like me anymore. but i should have broken up with him for treating me terribly#way before he even had any inkling of breaking up with me. back when that idea was just a sparkle in his eye… i should have dumped him shdh#so i’m just always going to be missing closure because i deserved to stand up for myself and i never did#anyway next time i see him i’m going to meet his gaze. we’ll see how that goes#ACTUALLY. we have the same fucking glasses prescription. if i can’t see him he can’t see me#i mean. he can see me. but he has the same uncertainty as to whether i looked at him or ignored him as i do the other way around#that’s actually really reassuring. all these moments where i haven’t been sure what interaction we had. he’s in the same position#ANYWAY i hope everyone is well. sorry for being all hung up on my ex i’ll make a block tag actually#ex talk#<- will use this whenever i vent or complain about him from now on#vent cw#me. my post. mine.#delete later
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hello new self portrait just dropped which means this is officially what i look like now

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arthur-r

took a selfie this morning to compare and remembered that when people are happy in real life it changes their eyes too (and even my fake smile is usually like that!!!!) so here is an UPDATED what i actually look like.

#as usual i remembered something silly i have to change several hours after the fact of drawing. so here is markup edits#just to keep everybody’s perceptions proper shdhdf#cause i DO have sad droopy puppydog eyes a lot of the time but when i’m happy i have HAPPY droopy puppydog eyes#anyway i gotta go get to that showering business and all. i think i’ll just go late to work by a little bit and stay late#(i’m self directed so that’s normal and fine)#ok wish me luck!! goodbye!!
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i am SO happy to report that this was real and true. posted this at midnight and just woke up at noon. had slightly unsettling dreams i was with my ex and he was like trying to distract me through seduction so that he could steal my phone and find out what i’d been saying about him to my friends???? but i think that was a dream i was having within the dream i don’t even remember what the main dream was about. i’m still extremely tired but i have work at 1pm so i have to get up and live life now. but i’m so pleased to report that i made up for my six hours the night before by having twelve hours this night. i was so strange and tired yesterday so really looking forward to being normal. i need a shower and also to eat lunch and i’m not sure if i can fit both in the 45 minutes before my work. so we’ll see what i can do. probably shower and then work, and then since i’m meeting with a friend after who has a lot of school-restaurant-money then we could go eat even though the dining halls will be closed. so that all makes sense. i’m gonna go shower in a minute then. but hope everyone is well

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