―slipping away I drive all night looking for you But I’m on the wrong continent I reach out for your hand to hold But I don’t know where you went You are all of the places I cannot go All of the experiences I will never know You are elusive—reflections between mirrors and smoke You are the moonlight shining upon Freshly fallen snow I don’t know where to go from here Are you further away or almost near You are the firefly outside my window Visiting before I sleep I try to catch you in my dreams But you always slip away from me —Michelle Dana Sabado

Follow me on Instagram @a_musingmichelle

Finally free

There is nowhere to put this heartbreak.

When I slow down and lie down At the end of my day Grief crawls back into my bed And holds me like you were going to Cradling my head I rest on his shoulder and cry Why did you have to, have to die? You were the happy ending I needed Now gone And what about yours? You were so strong I don’t know the reason I don’t think I ever will Maybe just God’s love and mercy It’s a solace to know You’re an angel Even though now I’m alone

don’t mind my sad poetry. x

Dear Justus,

I miss you so much. I am listening to our playlist right now. I haven’t written you a card in so long, but you know I never stop writing and talking about you. I miss sending songs to each other and waking up and falling asleep to your texts. I miss getting a million texts from you and whole paragraphs. I miss telling you about my day and hearing about yours.

I look at the moon and stars every night and remember you--remember how we talked into the late hours of the night. I love you!

I have never found a friend like you and I don’t think I ever will. 

I have been doing well. I know you would be so proud of me for trying new things and not giving up. I’m in my third class of my masters program and I feel like I’m finding my place at work. Tennis has taken a backseat for now, but I’m going to dedicate more time to it starting next week. 

I am going to live my life to the fullest for you. We will see each other again. I still have so much to tell you.

Love always,

Michelle

Dear Justus,

I am still struggling. I think I struggle most with the fact that life is still so beautiful without you. Life was so beautiful while you were in it. You are still in my life. In every moment. In everything I do. I am still hopeless devoted and in love with you. 

I just hate that I cannot talk to you. I talk to you in my head, through my letters and poems. But I cannot talk to you like I used to. 

I have so much to tell you. About tennis, my new job, about school. About the man I kissed and how awful it was. About all of the kind people cheering me on. I don’t want to die anymore. 

You were my happy ending. And now you are not. But I know we will see each other again. And hold each other like we always dreamed of.

I will show you all of the poems and essays I wrote about us. I will love you for as long as I am alive.

I had an amazing day today what a relief despite all the sadness of missing you the absence the pain the dull noise the echoes

grief is a wave rushing back in at night-- our time my life is so empty without you despite all of the blessings I have

why did you have to go I know I know I know it was always your time to go you were just waiting to meet me first

I know I know I know I was left behind to do good things with my time and I'll do them in your name

you are in everything I do and everything I say and everything I feel

I wish I could tell you all of the amazing things that happened to me today but I'm sure you already know and you probably brought them my way

I know we’ll be together again one day

my day is slow-- when i am not speaking to someone i have to sit with the feeling of missing you process the fact that i miss you understand that you are gone

it’s like this echoing that you aren’t here anymore you are not here to cheer me on to calm me down from anxiety to tell me you are always here

i miss everything about our friendship you feel so far away we feel like a memory i don’t want it to be this way 

i miss everything about you

missing you

i guess it’s the little things that will help me feel better

talking with my therapist poetry books reading the poems you wrote me listening to our playlist watching the sunrise/sunset looking up at the moon & stars going to the beach traveling eating ice cream texting your mother talking with friends writing poems wearing flannel that reminds me of you of you of you of you

Thank you for opening your heart to me

this is anxiety

still working on my to do list even though i would rather just stay in bed working towards a better future when i would rather just stop feeling this way fighting the urge to pull out my hair tear off my skin throw everything against the wall scream at the top of my lungs break all the vases of glass on the ground and then walk on the pieces just to feel something i’m trying i’m trying i’m trying

do you remember?

do you remember feeling so out of place you hid in your apartment all four years? do you remember not speaking out loud to anyone for days and not thinking the slightest thing about it? do you remember reading your library books from sun up to sun down, the days blurring by? do you remember writing and typing so many new worlds onto that cheap little laptop of yours? do you remember eating cereal at all hours of the night? do you remember that little room filled with plastic plates and your childhood books and all the things you’ve lost since then? do you remember? do you remember?