whatever

girl are you a medieval executioner bc you are torturing me with your rack

at a lesbian bar wearing a vampire costume: I vish to eat your puvsy *my plastic fangs slip out of my mouth and into someone’s drink* *I cry and pull the fire alarm before running out*

me

my favorite celebrity non-controversy was when lorde wanted to express her love of baths so she posted a picture of her bathtub captioned “and iiiiiiiiiii will always love youuuuu” not realizing that whitney houston died in a bathtub

like oh my god. it’s such a non issue but it’s so so funny

this is the type of thing my anxiety thinks is gonna happen every single time I say something

CALL YOUR BOY LIBRARY BOOKS THE WAY IM CHECKING HIM OUT

CALL YOUR BOY A HARDCOVER THE WAY I’M TAKING OFF HIS JACKET

CALL YOUR BOY A BOOK THE WAY I WANT TO GET BETWEEN HIS COVERS

CALL YOUR BOY A BOOK THE WAY IM RUNNING MY FINGERS ALONG HIS SPINE

CALL HIM AN E-READER THE WAY IM TURNING HIM ON

CALL HIM MORE FUNDING FOR LIBRARIES THE WAY EVERYONE WANTS HIM

CALL HIM A WELL-LOVED BOOK THE WAY HE'S FALLING APART IN MY HANDS

abcdefghijklmnop rstuvw y

23/26

call me out for sexualizing your queer boyfriend the way i. complete the alphabet

that's good

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

26/26

My friend sometimes brings her six-year-old to our DnD sessions and my husband (the DM) lets her roll for all enemy attacks and sometimes he will show her a few figures and let her secretly pick what creature we meet next. Who needs encounter tables when you have a first-grader around

She cheers when the monster is winning.

DM: *places an ugly, slavering, repugnant, spine-tingling creature on the battle map*

Child who can barely see over the table: ᵗʰᵃᵗ’ˢ ᵐᵉ :)

Rocky Horror 1984 Derek Ridgers

laughed really hard about this I'm sorry

i open and close tumblr like im sisyphus with that stupid rock

there's no temptress quite as irresistible as the mid afternoon sleepies

Hate when websites are like "We see you have adblock. Will you turn it off..For Us? 🥺" Like stop being desperate I am married to ublock origin

adult hood is just

*buys a half gallon of milk* *uses it all within a few days* *decided to buy a gallon of milk to not run out before next shopping trip* *uses a teaspoon of milk that week and it goes bad somehow* *buys a quart of milk instead so it won’t go bad* *uses it in one day* *buys a quart and a half gallon of milk because the gallon was too much but the half gallon was not enough* *only uses the half gallon* *gives up on milk for a few days in general* *buys a gallon of milk again just to tempt fate* *somehow uses all of it without realizing and then has to eat sad cereal with like the 5 drops of remaining milk*