The fact that the location of the world’s oldest tree has to be kept secret encapsulates everything that’s bad about humanity.

There’s a story about that, actually.

According to the smithsonianmag.com, the world’s oldest bristlecone pine was a nearly 5,000 year old tree later named Prometheus. In 1964, a man named Donald Rusk Currey decided to use an increment borer to determine its age (a process that cuts a small hole into the center of the tree trunk, and is not intended to kill the tree). Unfortunately, the borer got stuck. He and a park ranger cut the tree down to remove the equipment, and when they counted the tree rings, they realized their mistake. Oops. This incident lead to better protection of the remaining bristlecone pines.

There’s some wiggle room about what can be called “the world’s oldest living tree.” The world’s oldest living single tree is the tree that the OP is referring to. Its name is Methuselah,and it is also around 5,000 years old. Since its location is unknown, nobody knows what it looks like. But it might be this tree here:

But technically, it isn’t the oldest living tree. Let me explain.

It turns out that root systems of trees can send up genetically identical saplings (aka clones) via their root systems. Like so:

Which means the original trunk can die, but since the root system is attached to other trees which give it nutrients, it lives on. The root system can theoretically do this indefinitely. So the tree trunks could be fairly young, but the roots could be large and very, very, very old. So the oldest “tree” isn’t a small grove, it’s a logic-defying forest.

I’d like you to meet Pando.

This male quaking aspen covers 106 acres and is ancient. I’m talking an estimate of 80,000 years. The trees you can see are just “shoots” he sent up, and their average age is 130 years old. He is his own forest. If trees could talk, I’d love to hear what he had to say.

He might be dying, due to insects and drought (hmm, wonder what could have happened to cause that). A section of Pando is being studied in an attempt to find a solution. But in the meantime, we can enjoy him for his beauty.

TLDR: Yes please, protect the trees from humans!

I’m not a big outdoorsy nature person but I️ have great respect for any being that lives for 80k years by shooting off clones of itself and is also its own crowd.

It’s like the Jamie Madrox of trees.

I don’t even know. It’s from a book about languages my friend’s been reading. (it’s creepy that I can understand it …)

It was actually invented with that purpose: anyone who spoke any European language should be able to understand esperanto. It was meant to be a lingua franca.

STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING Y’ALL AND TELL ME IF YOU UNDERSTAND THIS

I’ve gotten so used to reading science in other languages that this seemed perfectly fine to me, for far too long :<

I laughed at loud at BSE (since we are now 20 years out from 1997, BSE = “mad cow disease" - in 2017 tumblr people say “am I having a stroke” for the same purpose)

I fucking love it

Bonsai apple tree growing a full-sized apple.

it must have worked so hard!

Why am I shedding tears

but guys, you realize Morgan Freeman had to read those lines

…without laughing.

LOOK AT THE GUY HOLDING THE MICROPHONE

where is this blooper tho??? I cant find it

Can you lick the science? An abbreviated list.

Genetics: Do not. Unless cheek swabs?

Chemistry: NO!!!!! DO NOT!!!!!!

Archaeology: Perhaps. But might be human bone.

Geology: Sometimes needed, sometimes dangerous 

Psychology: Best not.

Physics: ????????? How??????

Zoology: In zoology, science licks you. 

Anthropology: Maybe ask first.

Herpetology: bad plan bad plan BAD PLAN

Sociology: Yes, if you have time and dedication and a willingness to piss a lot of people off.

Botany: You might hallucinate or die, OR it might be delicious

Computer Science: the tingle of electricity on your tongue is how you know it’s working

Epidemiology: FOR THE SAKE OF THE WORLD PLEASE DO NOT

Linguistics: Despite the name, please probably don’t.

Engineering: Maybe, but it’ll probably taste like spreadsheets 

Software engineering: nothing else has made the code work so you might as well try it

Neuroscience: that is someone’s brain. no. do not

Marine biology: you can try, but you’ll probably just get a mouthful of seawater

Astronomy: look, if your dedication to lick Uranus is what it takes get humankind to another planet, then so be it

Mortuary Science: DO NOT FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY

For lack of better candidates, someone’s parents jokingly named the Norse God Loki as the child’s godfather. He decides to take this seriously.

The whole thing got started because my dad was a professor of Norse Mythology.

When I was born he and mom had both just gotten jobs at a new university, which meant moving to a new town where my parents didn’t know anybody. That was my dad’s excuse for naming an ancient Scandinavian trickster god as my godfather.

He claimed it made sense at the time; apparently I was something of a trickstery child myself, always getting out of my playpen and into strange places, or making rude noises at hilariously inopportune times, or crying for no discernible reason and laughing for no better one. Plus, it was pretty soon apparent that I had inherited my grandmother’s bright red hair. So my dad liked to call me a child of Loki, which amused my mom. It didn’t amuse her so much when he told her dad, after he got a bit too pushy about me not having a godparent yet, that in fact I did have someone looking after me and his name was Loki Laufeyson.

Still, even my mom didn’t expect anything more to come of that than a bit of a row when my grandfather got home and looked a few things up, so they were both completely stunned when Loki himself showed up on the doorstep a few hours later.

I was much too young to remember that particular meeting, but from what I found out later, I can imagine something of how it went. Loki would have looked like a tall, lean man with hair like fire. Not red hair like mine, which isn’t even really red but orange-ish; this was hair in licks of red and orange and yellow, really like fire. He would have had eyes like fire opals, strange and glittering from one color to the next. And he would have had scars running along the tops of and bottoms of his lips, little rows of puncture marks, white and old but still clearly visible. But the rest of him would have looked handsome and charming, like a movie star, only better. He would have looked like what movie stars dreamed of looking like, and he would have flashed my mom a brilliant gleaming grin when she opened the door.

“Hello,” he said. “I’ve come to see the child.”

Keep reading

Me as a tree. (via bluedelliquanti)

there’s something endlessly hilarious to me about the phrase “hotly debated” in an academic context. like i just picture a bunch of nerds at podiums & one’s like “of course there was a paleolithic bear cult in Northern Eurasia” and another one just looks him in the eye and says “i’l kill you in real life, kevin”

It got better

My favorite thing is that Europe is spooky because it’s old and America is spooky because it’s big

“The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way.” –Earle Hitchner

help i accidentally created a cleric with a -1 to religion checks how the fuck did i even do that

It’s hard to argue with perfection. (via aptkr_ / ETori)

-Lady Macbeth, probably

Pick up a copy of my new book, out now!

Terry Pratchett - Sorcery (via terrypratchettparadise)

idk how anyone could find renaissance history boring. raphael was italy’s biggest playboy and died b/c he got a fever from having too much sex and wouldn’t tell the doctors the cause. michelangelo was a bitter and angry old man who took to mocking others like da vinci publicly, and da vinci himself was the world’s worst procrastinator and never finished anything.

you ‘hear’ a lot about letters being silent, but the 'h’ in 'sure’ is invisible

I laughed way too much

that is the most cartoony wildlife footage ever captured.

The fucking squirrel thing, though.

@jadegreenworks @fragile-teacup