If Keanu Reeves woke me up in the middle of a landfill and told me we need to burn the city down I wouldn’t even question him, I would just do it. He knows better than me.

“That’s cold. Hmu tho” asgsghASJHasjsdhaJSKjash

Effective Marketing lmao

it’s past fucking midnight and my grandmother got up and keeps loudly tearing paper right next to my room

by the way the reason there’s paper tearing is because she reads books by fucking tearing them apart page by page as she moves through them instead of just flipping the pages like a normal human

@adipemdragon

this is what her room looks like on a good day

note how even the hardcovers arent safe

dude

Lmfao

This post honestly keeps getting better

imagine steve being like “man i really want indian tonight” but he cant bc america still wont let non whites immigrate, so he’s stuck w food w/o flavour

steve: pad see ew tonight babe?

peggy: what the fuck is that

steve:

bucky, having a sushi feast for lunch every day:

Bucky: checking out all the food trucks and enjoying the new Korean/Mexican Fusion trend

Steve: 

so the goats at my work were being mean

Naughty goats get put in the shame balls

DEAD

boys will be boys.

when u try to tell ur parents about a problem but they end up yelling at u

He’s right

Im.. Soft 🥺🥺🥺

cr. 

Jesus coming out of his tomb on the third day

literally nothing is funnier than just living your life with a cat in a sweater vest. constantly feels like he’s about to offer to do my taxes

i was trying to finish this post while he sat on the bar stool next to mine beeping at me for attention, and when the attention didn’t come quickly enough he put his paws on my shoulder and slapped me in the face

which is, again, infinitely funnier when your cat is wearing a sweatervest

im being bullied by the world’s smallest accountant

i’m a horrible texter but i’m also really bad at talking to people in person so i really have nothing going for me

WHO is going to have a subtextually homoerotic swordfight with me that stems from our major unresolved sexual tension

The World Health Organization is going to do what?!

ordering pizza

this is what i do everytime and then last time i did it i got a call from an old chinese man saying “i’m the only one working is it ok if i come”

he got a $20 tip

Hey as a manager at a pizza shop, this makes us all uncomfortable. Wether it be a boy or girl driver I HAVE to tell them to be vigilant. Don’t go into the house. Don’t speak more than necessary. Don’t give them your name. Leave if you feel unsafe, I don’t care if they don’t get their food. Call me when you’re coming back so I know you’re okay.

The company (before I worked there of course) had a girl kidnapped because of this! Because the manager at the time didn’t think to send another employee seeing as it was close to midnight! Thankfully they got her back within a day. I don’t care if you’re just trying to be funny. This is predatory and very scary.

Side note that’s related: DON’T HIT ON YOUR DRIVERS! Unless the show signs of wanting to get to know you or something, don’t make them uncomfortable. I had to put a guy on the DON’T DELIVER list because he kept calling for my 17yo female employee, only wanted her, no one else. I refused to send her and then he started coming in and wanted to talk to her. She was terrified, rightfully so. She also told me about a month after she quit, she swore she saw him walking around her neighborhood. She had to put a restraining order against the fucker.

LEAVE THE DRIVERS ALONE YOU CREEPS.