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Breathless Delight

@lladyburd / lladyburd.tumblr.com

Tess | 25 | Canada | Any pronouns
A les mis blog (sometimes)
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I know I’ve said this before but vampires

  • don’t show up on camera
  • can fly/scale walls
  • immune to bullets
  • can break into any safe by turning into fog or some bullshit
  • could probably hypnotize security guards as needed

therefore I am in dire need of a heist film where a group of vampires band together to steal back their old stuff from museums

Oceans 1100 AD

Very interested in the hardest part of this beign the vampires trying to trick someone into granting them permission to enter the premises earlier in the day

I feel like this has several simple solutions!

  • they enter the museum while it’s open to the public (and the Welcome sign is on display). they turn into bats and hide in the rafters until the museum closes. the only hiccup is when the overhead announcement comes on and politely requests all visitors leave for closing. the vampire are forced to flee, but come back the next day with tiny bat-sized earplugs.
  • downside: this requires going out in daylight, leading most of the team members to show up in long black victorian formalwear, complete with lacy parasols, which they insist on carrying with them throughout the entire heist (much to the frustration of the team leader, who just wore sunscreen and a raincoat).
  • depending on how invitations work, it is possible any random human can invite them in. one of the vampires gets their Ultimate Frisbee buddy Oakley to tag along and invite them in after closing.
  • downside: the gang spends the rest of the heist gently mocking the idea of a vampire playing association ultimate frisbee (“so what, you turn into a bat and catch it with your fangs? do they make you crawl up the wall when it gets stuck on a roof? if you turn into a cat to get it down from a tree, do you end up stuck in the tree?”) this ends in a Climactic Twist Ending when Oakley reveals they don’t play ultimate frisbee, just dog park frisbee. In the sense that they met when the vampire transformed into a wolf to gatecrashed a game at the local dog park.
  • (Bonus points if Oakley is a werewolf. extra bonus points if this is revealed in a post-credits epilogue where, on the next full moon, the entire gang transforms into creatures of the night and joins Oakley at the park for a frisbee game of Bats vs Wolves)
  • Final option: to gain legitimate entry, an invitation is needed from a museum employee. this presents two possibilities:
  • the vampires pretend to be incredibly rich eccentric patrons who want a private nighttime tour of the museum. (this is convincing due to the fact they are rich and incredibly eccentric.) the vampires get inside, planning to hypnotize the Curator supervising their tour.
  • downside: they immediately discover the Curator has been left immune to hypnosis by years of post-grad exposure to droning history lecturers. the vampires leave their least competent member to distract her while they carry out the heist–in the ensuing 90 minutes, the vampire and the curator accidentally Fall In Love after bonding over their shared fury about british archeological theft.
  • (In the sequel they get married and spend their honeymoon robbing the British Museum in order to return sacred objects to the cultures from which they were stolen. this is made more complicated comical by the fact vampires are unable to interact with holy objects. also, they are lesbians.)
  • alternatively: the gang simply bribes a security guard into letting them in after closing. the security guard then tags along, offering helpful advice for disabling alarms and transporting antiques. it turns out Security Officer Greer only applied for the job bc they too were planning an Elaborate Acrobatic Burglary, but then their partners quit to join Cirque du Soleil and “I can’t exactly perform a Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special without a partner.”
  • downside: the gang becomes too attached to ask Greer to leave. They carry out the heist as intended, but this time pretending to be circus performers to explain their vampire powers. Turning into a cloud of smoke to bypass locks? Magicians never explain a trick. Spider walking across ceilings to bypass alarms? Contortionist. When it comes time to fly from roof to roof, they decide turning into bats would give away their secret, so instead they help Greer, in a sparkling moment of triumph, execute the perfect Double Cartwheel Birdie Flying Trapeze Boomerang Special!
  • Greer and the gang escape (by tightrope walking) into the night with all the plunder they can carry. Tearfully, the gang begins to say goodbye (bc they can’t keep up the pretense of being circus performers forever) when Greer casually asks how a bunch of vampire ended up working in a circus.
  • (Greer assumed from the beginning they were vampires, because of “how you dress, how you talk, and mostly because none of you showed up on camera back in the CCTV control room. Why did you think it took me so long to let yall in?”)
  • I cannot for the lives of me decide which synopsis I like best

(all ideas shared on this blog are public domain, feel free to go nuts. you can find more story ideas like this on my ko-fi)

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Genuinely 90% of historical fiction would be so much better if more writers could get more comfortable with the fact that to create a good story set in a different time period you do actually have to give the characters beliefs & values which reflect that time period

for me, like the prev tags said, this goes more for big things than little ones

plenty of people in the past weren't as racist, sexist, classist, etc. as the official party line for their time and culture. hell, they found the diary of a Yorkshire farmer from the early 19th century where he basically says that (male) homosexuality is natural and doesn't deserve the death penalty then imposed by English law- and implies that some other people around him felt the same way. your protagonist doesn't have to hold Macro-Level Views that you or readers would find abhorrent

but. you can sell that much better if the person seems thoroughly grounded in the day-to-day culture of the era. of course there's a king! obviously corsets are basic, ubiquitous support garments! [insert most common local religion here] is objective fact! using slang is rude in many settings! one doesn't talk to men about one's monthlies! etc.

(and like yes you should probably acknowledge that people held the Negative Macro-Level views too. it doesn't have to be your protagonist, but barring alternate history...it's unrealistic to have NOBODY feel that way. you can play around with it, too, in how you can give sympathetic characters some ideas that we now consider controversial or unfortunate and keep them sympathetic)

Totally agree with you, what I meant originally here was less that every character needs to hold abhorrent views all the time and more along the lines of the fact that if you're writing, like, a feminist character in a story set in 1775, you shouldn't have them talking like they know what twitter is, they should articulate their beliefs like someone from 1775. I love reading historical fiction about characters who are more progressive than many of those around them but it irritates me when their progressive beliefs aren't, as you put it, thoroughly grounded in the era they're meant to be in.

characters talking like they’re from 20XX or having modern political opinions about systems of oppression can circle back to victim-blaming

if you’re using real historical suffering and injustice, putting twitter takes into a character’s mouth like they understand global economics or know about the Geneva conventions diminishes the actual real people who lived through those events “slaves should have leveraged their roll in the plantation economy for better working conditions” “if these Chinese peasants just read books more they’d be able to fight the British empire!”

lot of poorly written historical fiction can feel like they’re calling historic people dumb and making fun of them while patting modern readers on the back for knowing marital rape is a no-no

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went to a discussion led by elliot page earlier today and there were many good things said but at one point the other presenter asked him "what's a cool thing about yourself that has nothing to do with being trans?" and he said "uhh this is all I've got going for me" and then paused before adding "if anyone has three oranges, I can juggle"

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[ID: A digital sketch of a butch lesbian standing with his hands in his pockets. He is wearing a plaid shirt buttoned to the top over carpenter pants. He has his carabiner clipped to the hammer loop. He is smiling, and lines are radiating both from his smile and from his carabiner of keys. Under the image is a handwritten caption that reads: “butch joy in the bathroom mirror at 10:38 pm”. END ID]

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