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Reasons Why I'm Single

@nokay-stupid / nokay-stupid.tumblr.com

30-something lady sharing dating fails and feminist things
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nokay-stupid

Hey comrades, it's me. It's been a while since my last update but I haven't forgotten about you. I just haven't had much to say.

In 2016, around this time of year, I decided I was taking a break from dating. I kept up with the apps because, like, ya gotta believe, but I was too exhausted from disappointing dates to meet anyone in person. I hadn't felt excited to meet anyone in a really, really long time. I decided to focus in other aspects of my life and let the rest unfold.

Thanksgiving weekend 2016, I received a message on OkCupid that excited me for the first time in months. Let's call him Jay. I met Jay for the first time when I was 16 through a friend. I thought he was super cute but I had no clue how to talk to him, and was hella insecure. (I was also given explicit instructions not to hit on him by said mutual friend, but that's a separate story). A few years later, Facebook became a thing, and Jay and I became Facebook friends. I started to see that we had a lot in common, but still no idea how to talk to him. I thought about reaching out when I saw he moved pretty close to where I moved in 2016, but how does one even do that without being awkward?

The message from Jay was simple: "Hey stranger." I recognized his profile picture from the jump. I had butterflies for the first time in months. I was determined to meet up with him, at least determined to fulfill my high school fantasy of kissing him, but I also had a gut feeling. Either I was going to go on a date with Jay and confirm all my instincts about us getting along that I'd had for almost a decade, or I was dying alone. There would be no in between.

We got engaged last weekend.

I am sharing this all to say, do not give up hope. Have faith in yourself and you can find what you're looking for. There's no shame in looking online. Real life encounters are great, but I would not have a commitment stone if not for OkCupid.

So thanks, OkC, you really got us!

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nokay-stupid

I was mistaken. I tracked down the first message in my emails from 2016. His first message was actually "Do I know you? 😜" and the follow up "I'm tipsy and sleepy so don't mind my shit typos."

Who would've guessed a drunk message on OkCupid would lead to a lifelong romance!

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Hey comrades, it's me. It's been a while since my last update but I haven't forgotten about you. I just haven't had much to say.

In 2016, around this time of year, I decided I was taking a break from dating. I kept up with the apps because, like, ya gotta believe, but I was too exhausted from disappointing dates to meet anyone in person. I hadn't felt excited to meet anyone in a really, really long time. I decided to focus in other aspects of my life and let the rest unfold.

Thanksgiving weekend 2016, I received a message on OkCupid that excited me for the first time in months. Let's call him Jay. I met Jay for the first time when I was 16 through a friend. I thought he was super cute but I had no clue how to talk to him, and was hella insecure. (I was also given explicit instructions not to hit on him by said mutual friend, but that's a separate story). A few years later, Facebook became a thing, and Jay and I became Facebook friends. I started to see that we had a lot in common, but still no idea how to talk to him. I thought about reaching out when I saw he moved pretty close to where I moved in 2016, but how does one even do that without being awkward?

The message from Jay was simple: "Hey stranger." I recognized his profile picture from the jump. I had butterflies for the first time in months. I was determined to meet up with him, at least determined to fulfill my high school fantasy of kissing him, but I also had a gut feeling. Either I was going to go on a date with Jay and confirm all my instincts about us getting along that I'd had for almost a decade, or I was dying alone. There would be no in between.

We got engaged last weekend.

I am sharing this all to say, do not give up hope. Have faith in yourself and you can find what you're looking for. There's no shame in looking online. Real life encounters are great, but I would not have a commitment stone if not for OkCupid.

So thanks, OkC, you really got us!

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reblogged
weliveintroubledtimes
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feminismandmedia

So people are making different videos for you to use in uncomfortable situations!

The majority of the Uber ones mention in some way that they have your location on. Some you would pretend are messages someone left on your phone. Some have a script for you to follow along to on screen! Some are specific to who are calling you!

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malikep
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feminismandmedia

Many can be found under the hashtag "uber" and many suggest watching them beforehand and having a few prepared. Some of them might need to be rehearsed a little.

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I'm participating in that "30 Day Song Challenge" on Instagram and even though I'm not there yet, one of the days is "A song that reminds you of someone you'd rather forget."

Back in the day, I know there were a ton of people that I wanted to forget. There were a ton of songs that reminded me of these people.

But now?

Now I'm happy. I'm in a healthy and secure relationship. It took me many years to get here. Many unhealthy and several abusive relationships to get here. But today I feel happy and secure.

So songs that remind me of people I'd rather forget? I've forgotten both the songs and the people.

As it turns out, when you feel happy and secure in yourself and in your relationship, none of that shit matters. It's harder to recall the hurt from people who wound up being insignificant to your life story; to your ultimately achievable happiness. Even the people who abused me, I can't recall songs that make me think of then because I really don't do that anymore in my everyday life.

The songs I can think of don't remind me of the people themselves but rather how I (embarrassingly) behaved. I flew across the country for one (Cut! Print it!). I called a hundred times for another [(One of Those) Crazy Girls]. I learned from my mistakes, from kissing all the frogs, and from making a fool out of myself while trying to pursue something with people who didn't want me.

So if you're reading this but are still up in it, still going through the rough times, still feeling that hurt, please keep holding on. You'll be out of the woods someday and will be better from having survived.

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I wish there were awards for making it through bouts of mental illness. Like, you made it through a manic/hypomanic episode without spending all your savings! Here's a gold star and a coupon for a free refill of your mood stabilizer!

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reblogged
yes-this-is-not-ok
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cerusee
“Some time ago, I was having lunch with a group of friends—four men, one woman, and me. I’ve known most of the group for five or six years. We were talking about shared past experiences when one of the men mentioned that he missed Larry. “Gotta like a man who can make a good cup of coffee,” he said. “No, I don’t,” I blurted out, and described how that man knew precisely where the lines of “inappropriate” behavior were drawn, and had spent the last couple of years nudging those lines whenever he came across a woman he considered “available.” I mentioned he’d been called out for failing to heed polite turn-downs, that he got offended when the turn-down became less polite. I mentioned how women who weren’t even the focus of his attention breathed a sigh of relief when he left the room. None of the men discounted my experience or my descriptions. But every one of them said they hadn’t seen or noticed anything like that. I do want to be clear that their responses were not in the spirit, tone, or words of dismissal. Instead, they were genuinely puzzled that their observations had missed something they assumed would be obvious. One said he felt bad he hadn’t realized what was going on. So I pushed the issue. Without explaining what I was going to do, I got up and stood behind one of the men. I put my hands on his shoulders, then stretched my fingers as far down his chest as possible while still seeming to give a platonic shoulder rub. I pulled him back against my chest, digging my fingers in when he resisted. That action alone let him know I acknowledged he didn’t want me to be pulling on and touching him, and I didn’t care. “You look so tense,” I said in a nice, soft voice. Not sexy, not husky, but more intimate than standard conversation. Not intimate enough to be “inappropriate,” though. “You just let me give you a rub and I’ll make you feel better. I can tell you need that.” Then, while he say immobile with surprise, I leaned past him to pick up his coffee cup, keeping my chest close to his face and my other hand firmly on his shoulder. To the others, it likely looked as if I was just resting my hand there. That man, though, could feel the pressure I exerted to keep him pressed close to me. He would have had to make an obvious, rude-looking push to get away. “I’ll get you some more coffee, too. You just let me take care of that.” I gave the man a sweet smile in answer to his shocked stare, then returned to my seat, put my napkin back on my lap, and said, “That’s what Larry does.” The man I’d touched totally understood in that moment. He’d experienced how it felt—even at the hands of a friend—to have your personal boundaries violated and your “polite” signals of resistance ignored. The other men had that slack expression that comes when surprising facts suddenly jolt long-held assumptions. “Creepy” was uttered, as was “awful” and “scary”. Their words held a tone of… almost fear? As if they were suddenly running through all sorts of past interactions in search of similar behaviors, and finding some. *Now they are able to see it.*”

— - Blair MacGregor, “Seeing is Understanding” (via geardrops)

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reblogged
i-am-the-quintessential-queer

honestly a good partner isn’t necessarily someone who loves the exact same things you love but rather someone who is willing to listen to you ramble on and on about a particular subject that you’re passionate about even if they have little to no interest in it

this is so important

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cloudcuckoolander527

All I can think of is this…

And on the flip-side

Passion, love it when people have passion. I don’t care what your passion is, but if you’re putting effort into something, aiming for a certain goal/interest, that’s beautiful

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reblogged
eyelashesandentropy
browngirlblues

I hate it when men make unsolicited comments about a woman’s body. Like “she’s got a nice shape but she needs to tighten up her stomach”

How about you tighten up your lips and never speak again you ignorant shit.

Wow maybe you need to accept constructive criticism jesus christ.

browngirlblues

Men telling me (or any other woman) what I need to do for them to find me sexually attractive is not constructive criticism.

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i-am-the-quintessential-queer
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lookataleaf3000

one thing I’m grateful to my mom for is telling me from a very young age that if a man ever says he’ll kill me if I don’t do what he says, that I should fight and die. that it would be better to die than to be brought to a second location, it would be better to die instantly than live a little longer after god knows how much violation. i know that other people’s moms gave different advice, to be quiet so you can live and get away. little girls all got some kind of advice on what to do, though, huh? like… WHEN a man wants to hurt you. it’s surreal to think about how this shadow affects the landscape of girlhood

YES my mother said the same thing. Plus bite and scratch to get DNA, scream that you don’t know him, cause the biggest scene you can….but DO NOT get in a vehicle/go anywhere with him because “you have to assume that if you don’t get away right then, then you won’t get away at all”.

Your mom was right. That is standard self-defence advice — fight, scratch, scream, aim for testicles, eyeballs and and the throat. Use your teeth, your nails, your elbows, whatever you can. Maul the fucker.

If someone grabs you and intends to move you towards a second location, fight like your life depends on it:

Because it does.

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i-drink-and-i-write-fics
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therealraewest

A guy just came to my house while I was home alone to ask if I was single why are men like this

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therealraewest

Okay y'know what I’m gonna soapbox for a hot minute

When I was in high school, a man who I’d thought was the parent of a school friend followed me out to the grocery store parking lot greenhouse where I worked. It was dark, and late, and it was me, alone, in a chain link enclosure with one exit and a register full of cash. He called me up to the fence and asked if I wanted to get dinner, or go dancing. I was scared and shaking and told him no several times, and he only left when I falsely said I had a boyfriend. I was very aware that if he were to come over the fence, or just wait at the exit until I eventually had to leave, I could do nothing about it.

When my hair was very short, a hairdresser sent me to the barber’s side of the store so they could get the back of my head with clippers. The barber followed me out to my car to ask me out afterwards. I was very aware that we were the only people in the parking lot when it happened, and that the lot itself was tucked behind the building with no clear visibility to the road.

Today, a man I’ve met once made it very clear he knows where I live, and used that knowledge to express a romantic interest. If he ever decides that he’s unhappy with how I responded, he knows where I live. He knows what my car looks like. It is impossibly easy for him to determine when I’m home alone, and now I have to live with that knowledge.

Every woman I know has at least one story like this. My roommate had to be escorted to her car every night when she was a waitress, in case some man was waiting for her or a coworker’s shift to end.

If the person you want to ask out cannot physically run away from you when you are asking, YOU CANNOT ASK THEM OUT. You cannot ask someone out if they are at work. You cannot ask someone out if you’ve followed them to a remote/unoccupied/enclosed area. You cannot GO TO SOMEONE’S HOME UNINVITED to ask them out. You are not being romantic. You are not “taking initiative”. You are terrifying the person you want to woo. If they say yes, it is not because they want to, it is because they are terrified of what might happen if they say no.

I’m so tired of being terrified by men who think they’re being romantic.

“Every woman” you say. Do you personally know every woman in the world? Don’t presume to speak for others, and don’t make this a gendered issue either.

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therealraewest

Actually every woman in the world is in one big group chat and they’re all telling you to fuck off

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