youbringmehoume reblogged
“You’re fourteen when you meet him. He tells you he’s eighteen, that he’s just graduated from high school. He’s mature, a trait you don’t see in people your own age. You know plenty of people his age, you’re not concerned about what people would think; you’re just friends. He has a girlfriend, one that he used to connect with but doesn’t feel a spark with anymore. You wish he’d feel that spark around you. You feel safe when you’re around him, when you’re talking to him. He tells you about his bad habits, and how you should never take them up. He seems protective over you in a way, one that makes you feel special. He warns you about ‘the wrong crowd’ in high school, a crowd he says you’re ‘too good for.’ It makes you warm on the inside, to realize he thinks so highly of you. It isn’t strange to you that he spends so much time on someone so much younger than him. You’re fourteen when you start to fall in love with an eighteen year old. It may not be love, but it’s a hell of a lot stronger than anything you’ve ever felt before. You know it’s wrong, that it’s technically illegal. So you don’t say anything. You suffer in silence as you watch time go by, and you watch him pretend to be happy with the girlfriend he’s not sure how to let go of. But time doesn’t change how you feel; it makes you realize this is more than a ‘passing crush.’ You’re fifteen when you realize you might actually be in love with a nineteen year old. You drown yourself in books, trying to visualize a universe where a relationship with him is realistic. You are under his spell, willing to follow him to the ends of the earth without looking back. You’re in too deep to care, completely devoted to him. Your friends encourage you, not entirely realizing what’s at stake. You’re fifteen and every day you fall in love with him again. You look at him like he hung the moon and all the stars in the sky, like he’s the only light in a world of darkness. But that light begins to dim. Out of the blue he breaks up with his girlfriend and you don’t hear from him for months, except for the random text. When you do talk, he makes sure to tell you how beautiful you are, anything to keep you entranced by him. The harmless flirting turns shameless, with unwritten promises. One night you’re falling asleep and you think, you’d actually give it up if he asked. That scares you; sex is a big deal to you, and yet he makes it seem miniscule and unimportant. Shortly after this revelation, your world goes black. You find out that while he’s been flirting with you and leading you on, he’s also been trying to hook up with the one girl he knew would hurt you more than anyone else: your former best friend. You’re fifteen and your body feels like its being crushed by a truck. You experience your first heartbreak, one that can’t compare to the ones in the movies. Your head is spinning, not able to focus on any specific thing. You excuse yourself from the lunch table as tears start making an appearance. You wonder what on earth you did to deserve this pain. Your friends apologize, saying ‘we thought you needed to know.’ But fuck apologies, fuck him, fuck this entire world. No one tells you how to deal with a break up from a relationship that wasn’t actually real. No one tells you how to cope when a guy you’re ‘talking to’ rips out your heart and stomps all over it. You’re almost sixteen when you slowly start to feel okay again. You don’t date, but you’re fine with that; you don’t need another heartbreak as you’re still trying to heal from the first. Your friends aren’t very considerate, still bringing up his name in passing conversation, as though he’s some stranger to everyone, not the guy you fell in love with. You learn to cope, to keep from flinching when they say his name, to resist the urge to cry. Six months ago you felt like you were drowning, and now you’re breaking the surface.”
— d.n.m.
