Mistakes and Misadventures

the aries x leo trio is finally back, missed these two— tysm for yesterday @thenewmeimsure and @kallandian (na di active but i’ll still tag u) see u nalang ulit next year? chz 🍀

Finally, we're able to meet again. I love you, two! Thank you for being the circle we wanted. Let's stay this way

— Sara Quin

“Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them. Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through. Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another- they have more individuation work to do first. Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives- they have another path and purpose to walk first. Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality. Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love’s leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment. But this is not always true. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe. Sometimes they know something we don’t – they know their limits at that moment in time. Real love is no easy path – readiness is everything. May we grieve loss without personalizing it. May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover.”

How do you find your motivation when you’ve already lost it?

“We broke up April Fool’s day, so I took it as a joke. I’m willing to humor her for a month. Every day I buy a can of pineapple with an expiration date of May 1st, because May loves pineapple, and May 1st is my birthday. I tell myself that if May hasn’t come back by the time I’ve bought 30 cans, then our love will expire too.”

– Takeshi Kaneshiro in Chungking Express (1994) dir. Wong Kar-wai

I am one of those boys who have loved other boys; tasted blood, the way I have tasted his skin, leaving bruises like kiss marks - on his neck, behind his ear, on his fingers, cock - the gun; some corridors forget classroom lessons, textbooks have empty pages so we can write stories, unbound. I am one of those boys who have kissed other boys - caffeine, nicotine, his name, how can my lungs contain all the words from his mouth? Galaxies, he said; ocean, I said - my chest was not expanding in silence; it was in constant motion, crashing, how can disaster be a person so beautiful?

I am one of those boys who can love other boys - and it is more than enough to see unnamed heroes in the vast constellation.

秘密 mì mì • secret

You know what’s sad? Good things are happening around you and yet, you feel like you’re still stuck in the same dark hole - afloat, aimless, cold. You receive congratulations and praises but there are louder noises inside your head. There’s the fact of relief hanging but a heavy irrational feeling of loss is on your chest. Negative thoughts are swirling inside your head. You even question yourself for all the negative things that you are feeling: maybe I am just not grateful, maybe I’m just expecting too much, maybe I’m just having a bad day. Why does it feel like everyday is a bad day. Everyday, I feel smaller and smaller, and at the same time, I feel like I am taking too much space. I feel both empty and too much. I am so exhausted with this cycle. Waking up. Going through the day. Convincing yourself that you’ll be fine. Questioning yourself. Questioning your worth. Questioning every inch of your existence. You go back to bed. The same heavy feeling. The same desire to just sleep to get away even for just a while. The same fear for another day. It’s pretty tiring. It is. I am getting worse.