june 11th, 2021; 6:27am
i came back here to let it all out. to, i don’t know, get rid of all of this shit building up inside me. it needs to go somewhere, doesn’t it?
my daughter is turning two in nine days, and i’ve come to the realization that she needs me here. but, honestly, i need her more. the past couple of months have been rough and instead of embracing her and the love she shows me unconditionally, i developed a slight habit of self destructive behavior thinking that i didn’t matter to anyone.
the negative thoughts that flood my mind are so fucking loud sometimes that i feel like my ears are going to bleed. a wise person told me a couple of weeks ago that i am the most self-loathing person he’s ever met. and it’s true, i am. but when did this start? when did i decide that i hated myself so much that i would put myself in harm’s way because i didn’t matter to anyone?
i’m honestly not sure. sometimes i feel like when my marriage ended, i lost the last part of me that was truly myself. i had already been going downhill before that, though. what happened to the girl that used to play guitar, piano, and sing? i don’t remember the last time i sang just because i was happy. most days, i sing sad songs, the occasional karaoke night. but i used to want to sing for a living, and that drive is gone.
someone stole me from me. i feel like i’m gone. and sometimes i feel like i won’t get her back.
the trazodone helps, until you have to flush all of them down the toilet when you’re having the worst night you’ve had in a while. but hey, it’s improvement. a year and a half ago i would have swallowed the whole bottle. and i did. twice in two months.
so i haven’t been sleeping much, and when i do there’s nightmares, or dreams of everything i want that i know won’t happen.
when i’m awake, i can be distracted most of the time by work or hanging out with people. but when i get home, by myself...it starts again.
...novalie deserves better than you, he will never want you because of everything you’ve done wrong, you’re too crazy for anyone, where are you going with your career? you need to go back to school, you need to take better care of yourself, go to the gym, look how much weight you’ve gained, you need more friends, dammit amanda, you are such a failure...
i decided a couple of weeks ago i was going to try to kill myself again, then i remembered that i never want to give anyone or anything the satisfaction of beating me down so much that i decided to just give up. i will be okay someday. its going to be a long time from now probably, but i’m going to put the work in starting in two hours. i’m going back to therapy after six months, i’m going to go to the gym and then pick up my daughter because she is the only good thing to come out of the worst years of my life. she is why i’m still here.
this is for her, and no one else. i refuse to waste my time on another bad thought, bad feeling. fall down ten times, get up eleven. and i definitely refuse to waste my time on another man.
