I'll be back June 30th!!!! 🎉

Looking forward to get back to writing! I missed it so much!

About to see fucking Troye Sivan live!!!! Fangirling so hard right now! 😭🙌🏻

Innuendos - Short Image - Requst Sunday #21

~The Fanfic for today´s Request Sunday is based on the following Request~

„Dan, can you pass me the flour? “You ask fully concentrated in your baking. “More flour?” Dan asks doubtful.

“Yes?” you respond unsure “I mean, look at this. Is this supposed to be so wet and sticky when I put my fingers in it?” Your words are followed by a bright laughter from Dan. You need a moment to process why Dan is laughing before you notice you innuendo and burst out laughing. Dan softly wraps his arms around you, still giggling about your words. You rest your head on his shoulder, shaken by laughter. “I´m sorry, that sounded so wrong.” You laugh.

You just started your yearly Halloween baking, Dan is wearing his black Halloween Jumper and decorated the kitchen even though you were not filming and for some reason you´ve been saying the weirdest innuendos the whole day. Dan softly breaks away and passes you the flour. You pour a bit into the bowl and keep on kneading the dough. “Better” you state after a few moments. “Now we have to put this baby in the fridge for about an hour – I´m sorry, even I noticed that that sounded weird.” You say giggling. “Honey that is definitely not the weirdest thing you said today.” Dan says before wrapping his arms around you and joining your laughter. Together you put the dough in the fridge and wait for it to cool.

About an hour later you´re back in the kitchen and you take the dough out of the fridge. You softly press your finger against it to check it´s consistency. “Oh my god, touch it, it got really hard!” you say excitedly. Dan blankly stares at you for a moment but then decides to just ignore what you just said. You spread some flour in the kitchen counter and put the dough on top. “Dan can you hand me the –“ you search your head for the word rolling pin, but the word just won´t come. “the – you know the big hard round thingy.” You try to describe what you mean. Dan shakes his head in disbelief and starts to leave the room, but can´t repress a grin.

“Oh god I´m sorry. A rolling pin. A rolling pin. I meant a freaking rolling pin.” You say going after him. You find him in his room, lying on his bed fully bursting out in laughter. He is holding his tummy and no sounds leave his mouth because he is laughing so hard. He reaches out for you and as soon as you grab it he pulls you onto the bed with you. You both lie bed laughing at what you said. Just when you think you calm down you share a glance and burst out laughing again. “My abs hurt so much.” Dan presses out in between laughter. “And I´m hungry.” He adds in a whiny tone. “You want to take a break from baking and order some pizza?” you ask, while some quiet giggles still fall from your mouth. Dan nods and quickly pulls you closer for a soft kiss on your forehead, nose and eventually your lips. “You are the new queen of innuendos.” He giggles before standing up.

Request Sunday is coming tomorrow instead because I currently fail at being a functional human being, let alone keeping a schedule

Love is just a glance away...

It was your first year at Vidcon and you really enjoyed spending time with all those other Youtubers. You made some collabs with different Youtubers, but this was the first time you could spend time with all of them together as a group. You loved meeting from all over the world and doing the panels with the other Youtubers, and you loved the after party. You gossiped with Joey and drank cocktails with Louise and Ingrid and danced with Tyler and the others until your feet hurt in your heels. But what you loved most are the things that happened in between.

The first time you noticed him looking at you was while you got your first cocktail. You felt a glance lingering on your body and when you turned around you saw Dan Howell looking you up and down from the other side. He notices you and quickly looks down at his feet. You can´t repress a smile and your cheeks suddenly feel warm. The next time you notice his glance while you’re dancing together with Zoe and Louise. But before you can give him a smile he looks down on his drink.

You can feel his glance lingering on you the whole evening. Sometimes he doesn´t even notice that you catch him starring at you and you doubt for a moment that he is really looking at you. But it can be no incident that wherever you are in the room he is always looking your way. The leave the party with a good feeling and as you lie in bed you keep on thinking about Dan and his warm brown eyes on your body. Your thoughts revolve around the whole evening. Why was Dan starring at you so intensely? His glance was so strong you could physically feel it. It made your skin tingle and released a cascade of butterflies in your stomach. You fall asleep with pictures of Dan wandering through your mind.

 You´re trying to keep an eye out for Dan the next day, but you´re busy doing panels and meeting different people and subscribers. You only see him swiftly as he passes you by walking down a hallway. Your eyes meet and a little smirk appears on his face, but he doesn´t say anything. You need all your strength to not turn around in hopes he might turn around too, so you just stare at the floor in front of you and continue walking. You spend the next hours analysing every second of your short meeting until you start to feel stupid. You´re probably just overanalysing. You take a deep breath and sigh, angry with yourself for being so naive.

On your way to your hotel room you meet Tyler who invites to come with him to the party tonight. “Perfect. I wanted to go anyway.” You say with a bright smile. “Is someone hoping to see someone?” Tyler asks in a suggestive tone, winking at you. You feel yourself blushing and start to stutter. Tyler fully bursts out laughing, winks again and just walks away. Suddenly you start to question who was looking at who. Where you actually starring at Dan and just wished it was the other way around. This evening, you decide, you´re not going to look at Dan at all. Tyler knocks at your door punctually at 10pm and picks you up for the party. “Oh! Someone´s dressed to impress!” Tyler shouts as you open the door. You´re wearing a short black dress and some black heels with a red sole. You feel caught and even more stupid than early. You´re about to ask Tyler if your behaviour was really that conspicuous, when he says “Girl, I have no idea why he hasn´t asked you out yet.” You freeze and blankly stare at Tyler. Does this mean you´ve been right the whole time? You don´t want to get your hopes to high and decide to just see how the evening goes.

As you arrive at the party after the last day, Dan is already there. Your eyes meet for the glimpse of a second before you´re pulled away by someone. You´re happily greeted by Zoe and Louise and together with them you go for your first cocktail. You grab your drinks and go straight for the dancefloor, when you notice Dan looking at you. You make eye contact and this time he doesn´t look away. He smiles and this time you´re sure it is for you. A little flustered you smile back and embarrassed tuck a strain of your hair behind your ear. This procedure repeats a couple of times during this evening, but neither of you ever goes over and talks to the other one. The evening ends with a last glance and a last wistful smile. You return to your hotel room and lie awake in your bed, thinking about the day. You can see Dan´s face flashing before your eyes. The brown of his eyes, his sharp jawline, the chocolatey colour of his fringe and the soft red of his full lips. It takes hours before you fall asleep. Tomorrow is the last of Vidcon, the last chance.

You recognize that your drink is empty and walk over to the bar to order another cocktail. From the corner of your eye you see someone stepping next you. You turn your head and see Dan standing next to you. It feels like some poured a cold liquid into your stomach, while your cheeks feel hot. You exchange a quick glance and a swift sweet smile. You both order your drinks and share another glance while waiting. Your drink comes first and you think about just going back to the dancefloor, when you remember that this is the last day, the last possible chance for something to happen. You take a deep breath and take all your courage.

“Are you ever going to talk to me, or are we just endlessly look at each other when we think the other one is not noticing anything.” You say with a smile. Dan´s cheeks turn bright red and he looks completely surprised and flustered. He stammers some inaudible words and flails his arms. You burst out in laughter seeing his weird behaviour. He eventually offers you his hand and says “I´d love to talk to you. I´m Dan.”

You giggle and shake his hand “I know. Nice to meet you Dan, I´m Y/N.” Dan smoothly slides closer to you and stops only inches from you. You can feel the warmth of his body and smell his cologne. You start talking to each other while waiting for Dan´s drink. When his cocktail arrives he offers you his hand once again. “Do you want to dance?” he asks with an uncertain smile on his face. You nod and take his hand, letting him lead you to the dancefloor. You rhythmically start to sway to the music. Your bodies move in perfect synchronization. From time to time Dan´s body softly brushes against yours, leaving a tingling feeling where his bare skin touches yours. You can´t stop looking at each other and forget everything that is happening around you. The last beams of sunlight colour the sky in the most beautiful shades of red, orange and pink. The light gives an incredible sparkling glow to Dan´s eyes. You can feel the butterflies in your stomach dancing to the same beat as you and him.

The Call of Your Soul - Bonus Chapter 2/2 (Dan´s POV)

My whole body is shaking as I dial my mom´s number. She picks up very quickly, sounding happy and cheerful. “Hi honey, are you done packing? Just a few more hours!”

“Hi mom, uhm, this is kind of hard, but I´m – I´m not coming.” I stutter into the phone. A big shiver runs over my body and leaves a cold feeling behind, causing me to get goose bumps. My mom stutters something inarticulate before saying “What do you mean? Of course you´re coming with us. We already bought the tickets and everything.”

“I know,  I know.” I answer with a sigh. “And I´m going to pay for all of it, but I can´t come. It´s hard to explain but I need to be here. In London.”

“Daniel James Howell, you´re going to pack your bags right now and you´re going to fly with us in exactly six hours!”

“Mom, I´m not going to come!” I say with an unarguable certainty in my voice. My mom stays silent for a moment. I imagine her biting her lip and thinking about what to say, when I hear my grandma in the background. I can´t understand what she is saying but my mum replies saying “It´s Daniel, he says he doesn´t want to come with us.” Her voice is filled with anger. My grandma chuckles. She sounds nearer now. “Let the boy stay if he wants to.” She says in a caring tone.

“No way, he is clearly out of his mind.” My mom retorts. “Oh for god´s sake, of course he is. He was hit by a car only a few months ago. They almost declared him dead. You can´t expect him to live like nothing happened. Now give me that phone.” Her words are followed by a rummaging sound. “Daniel?” My grandma’s voice is very clear now, she obviously took the phone from my mum.

“Yes grandma, I´m still here.” I answer trying to repress a laughter. I can imagine my mom still standing next to her with an angry face. “Ok, listen. You do whatever you feel like you need to do and I handle everything with your mum, don’t worry. Take all the time you need. Merry Christmas, Darling.” Her voice is caring and soft. “Merry Christmas, grandma.” I answer and can´t help but smile. We say our goodbyes and suddenly I´m left alone in silence. I unpack the few items off closing I already packed and put away the suitcase. I go into the living room and try to distract myself with watching some TV, but I feel restless. My mind is wandering through everything that has happened since the accident. I wander through the house, walk from the living room to the kitchen back in my room. I even walk into Phil´s room although I know he´s not there. It quickly gets dark outside and my crisis gets worst. I turn off all of the lights and curl into the ball. Everything falls silent, except for the ticking of the clock on my desk.

I don´t want to feel those things anymore. It´s like my heart tells me to do something but my brain is too stupid to understand it. And I still can´t get this voice out of my head.

“Keep fighting, we´re so close to being together.”

I hear this sentence playing in my head over and over again. I can feel the warmth of tears streaming down my face. Why did she leave? She said we were close to being together, but I never felt further away from everything. I feel like my ribcage is bursting any minute. I can´t stay inside apartment. And I haven´t eaten the whole day. I grab my coat and walk out of the door, just go back inside and get an umbrella. I didn´t even notice it started snowing, but the streets are already covered in a thin layer of white. I aimlessly start walking the down our road and quickly google which restaurants are open on Christmas Eve and I find one that serves a traditional Christmas dinner. Even though taking the tube would be quicker, something tells me to walk. I tuck my hands inside my pockets and make my way through the snowy streets of London. The streets are almost empty. Everybody is inside celebrating Christmas with their loved ones and I slowly start to doubt if not going with my family was the right decision.

I was just thinking about booking a flight to India the next day when I find myself on the Westminster Bridge. And suddenly I feel the same spark inside me I felt in the hospital. The same spark that ignited the fire my soul and lead me out of the black nothingness. I look up and a see a girl standing a few feet away from me. She is looking at the river flowing under the bridge. Snowflakes gracefully descend around her, covering her coat. Her hair looks already damp, she´s probably standing there for a while and I wonder if she is causing the fire inside my soul. I´m shaking again and start walking over to her, not even sure if I should talk to her. I just want to know if she is one causing these feelings. With every step I can feel the burning inside my soul getting stronger. It´s the same fire that was burning inside me while was in the hospital. I can hear that voice inside my head again. So close to being together. So close I can almost touch her.

She is still looking at the water, watching the snowflakes melt on the surface of the river. It seems like she feeling just as hollow and empty as me. I take a deep breath and put my umbrella over her head. “I´m sorry, but are you ok?” I ask. I can hear my voice almost breaking. She turns around and our eyes meet for the first time. Her eyes shine illuminated by the street lights. She looks a bit confused but I can see a spark of recognition in them, but she still hasn´t said a word and I´m suddenly uncertain if this is the right thing to do.   

“I´m sorry, that was pretty invasive, considering I don´t even know you.” I add, cautiously watching her reacting. “No, don´t worry! That was very considerate of you. I guess I just have a little Christmas Blues.” She says with a bright encouraging smile. A shiver runs through my body. That´s her, that´s the voice I heard while I was in coma. The voice that was hunting me all these months. My stomach clenches and my thorax feels constricted. She is the one I was hoping to find.  

“I understand that very well. I never spend Christmas alone before. I was supposed to spend Christmas with my family on a hot exotic beach in India, but I kind of couldn´t go and decided to stay last minute. Like something was calling for me to be here – Why am I telling you this?” I start to ramble. I can´t stop looking into her sparkling eyes, while I´m holding the umbrella over her head like an idiot. The snow is sinking slowly to the ground around us.

“I have no idea.” she giggles, adding “But I´m glad I have met you tonight.” with a smile. I´m not sure what to say next and embarrassed rub my neck. I want to keep her talking, want to keep her by my side. “Well – I’m on my way to a restaurant.” I say in a bad attempt to invite her. I can practically see the sparkle drowning from her eyes.

“They serve a traditional Christmas dinner for those who can´t cook or are alone on Christmas Eve. And you seem a little lonely too. Do you want to be plus one for my Christmas Eve feast?” I add in a soft voice, still embarrassed. I really don´t want her to go. She looks surprised and unsure and I suddenly start to get doubts. What if I just want her to be the one, what if I was so desperately wanting to find the girl that saved me, that I can´t see things clear anymore?

“I´m sorry, I don´t know why I asked that. That was really creepy, we just met. Oh god, that was so embarrassing. I don´t normally do this.” I stutter to apologise myself and look down at my feet. How could I have been so blind?

“I don´t think it´s creepy. I would love to be your plus one for tonight.” She interrupts my thoughts and gives me another bright smile. I feel e a little relived but her reaction really had me confused. “I seriously have no idea what I´m doing. This doesn´t look like me.” I add, still struggeling with my feelings. Suddenly the girls softly puts her hand on my arm and my soul catches fire. I can feel her soul touching mine and there is no doubt anymore that she is the one that saved my life in the hospital.

“Let´s just call it fate we met and enjoy the rest of the night. After all no one should spend Christmas alone.” She says calmly and I know that she feels the same way, that she knows too. I nod and point down the “This way my lady.” I say jokingly and offer her my arm. She smiles and puts her arm back on mine.

The evening at the restaurant is amazing. I keep asking her question after question just too keep her talking. Her presence makes me feel at ease. And for the first time in months I feel like I´m whole again. She sometimes hesitates before she answers some of my questions, but I´m not going to push her. We all have our secrets and that doesn’t make her less perfect and the time flies. It´s about 2am when they basically throw us out of the restaurant.

“I didn´t even notice how fast time went.” I say as we step outside. “Me neither. It was a really nice evening.” she answers, sad that this evening is ending way too quickly. “I kind of don´t want to go home just yet. How about a night walk along the Themse?” I suggest in a hopeful tone. I never want her to leave my side again, now that I found her. She doesn´t bother to answer and takes my arm.

We take a walk underneath the stars and when it´s time to say goodbye I gently kiss her and whisper “I don´t know what happened today, all I know is that earlier on that bridge I felt like your soul was calling for me and I never felt connected the way I feel connected to you.” And all I know is, that this is true. I don´t why our souls are connected that way, but they are and ever since she saved me at the hospital, my soul was calling for hers and her was calling for mine and everything suddenly made sense.

Sorry for being so inactive lately but I did spend Easter with my family and Uni starts again next week. I'll post the second part of the bonus chapter from 'The Call of Your Soul' tomorrow and two new fics next week. Thank you all so much for being so lovely ❤️

Love to Hate Fanfic - Request Sunday #20

~The Fanfic for today´s Request Sunday is based on the following Request~

You struggled making this decision but in the end you had to admit, that this was definitely the best way. On the positive side you could finally spend some quality time with Phil and had the opportunity to experience London with a real Londoner. On the downside spending time with Phil and staying at his place also meant spending time with his roommate Dan. You really tried getting along with Dan but every time the two of you ended up fighting and arguing about something. This guy was seriously getting on your nerves and for some reason he seems to know exactly how to make you mad. But for the sakes of spending time with Phil and saving a lot of money for not staying at a hotel you decided to just go for it.

The first day wasn´t even that bad. Both boys picked you up from the airport and Dan even gave you a hug, a half-hearted one, but better than none, you thought. Together you went back to their apartment to drop your luggage before they showed you around London. You did all the touristy stuff and actually had a lot of fun together. You ended the day with some Nandos and watching a movie. From there it went pretty downhill. The next morning you had an argument with Dan about cereal, then about where to go first, where to eat. The argument about where to eat evolved into an argument about music, from there it went to movies, the concept of free choice and from there to the existence of humanity. At the end of the day you were exhausted and angry. This was not how you imagined your weekend in London and you felt sorry for Phil because he had to deal with your arguments.

You´re lying awake at night still thinking about all the fights you had with Dan that day. Phil already went to bed but you can still hear Dan rummaging in his room. You struggle for a moment before jumping out of bed and quietly walking down the stairs. You carefully knock on Dan´s door.

“Come in.” he says quietly and you carefully open the door. “Oh, it´s you.” He adds as he looks up from his laptop. ‘Great start’ you think and repress an annoyed sigh.

“Yeah I wanted to talk to you about today.” You say conciliatory. Dan puts his laptop to the side and stands up from the bed. “Did you finally come to realise you´ve been wrong with everything.” He asks in a sarcastic tone raising his eyebrow. You look at him in shock and immediately feel yourself exploding inside. You take deep breath. “How dare you, you little narcissistic, rude, quarrelsome, temperamental smart aleck.” You spit out, almost yelling the last words. With every word you say Dan comes closer until he´s only inches away from you. “Are you done?” he asks. You nod, starring right back into his eyes, feeling the anger inside your stomach burn. Suddenly Dan puts his hands on your cheeks and kisses you. He momentarily breaks away and breathes “It really turns me own when you give me contra.” before pressing his lips on yours again. You´re startled by his sudden outburst but instinctively let yourself sink into the kiss. His kiss is rough and passionate. He´s biting your lip and pressing his so hard against yours it almost hurts. You can feel the anger inside you turn into passion and you wrap your arms around his body, pulling him closer to you, responding to his actions just as roughly. He instantly reacts to your touch, lifting you up and almost throwing you onto the bed. He gets on top of you and starts to undress you almost tearing your clothes from your body.

Quickly you start to undress him, throwing his clothes on the floor. You press your body against his skin and wrap your legs around his waist, letting him push inside you without hesitation. Dan presses his lips back against your to repress a moan as he pushes his hard member inside you. Flooded with lust and desire you scratch his back, leaving thin marks on his soft skin. Dan pushes you hard onto the mattress. You tighten the grip around his back, twine your legs around his waist and push him over, putting you on top. It´s like your fight went from being verbal to being sexual as you´re both fighting for dominance. But you can´t deny how good it feels to be fucked by Dan like this and his passionate husky moans tell you he´s feeling the same way. “If I´m actually doing this I might as well enjoy it.” You think and close your eyes as you rhythmically let yourself sink on his cock. Dan throws his head back in pleasure, his back arches and you need to tightly grab his arms not to fall off, leaving scratches all over them too. It feels like Dan´s cock got even harder and you know he can´t take it any longer. You lean over him and make eye contact for a second, before kissing him and pushing is cock deep inside you over and over again. Dan slips a moan between kisses and you both come in pure ecstasy.

Exhausted you collapse next to Dan. Your breath is going quick and the places where Dan grabbed you are feeling a bit sore. You scan the floor around the bed for your clothes, when Dan softly places his hand on your shoulder. You turn around and your eyes meet his warm brown ones. “Would you stay?” he asks in a soft tone. You hesitate for a moment. Even though the sex just was amazing, it was still Dan. It might be peaceful now but who knows what tomorrows going to be like. You´ll probably get back to fighting. You just love to hate each other. You search Dan´s eyes for emotions but they are just as hard to read as always. You sigh and sink back onto the pillow. Yes, you´ll probably keep fighting tomorrow, but that´s tomorrow and now you´re just tired. Too tired to deal with this problem right now. Dan wraps you in his arms and covers you both with his blanket, before turning off the light. He rests his head lightly above yours. “You know that I was still right with everything.” He whispers sarcastically but in a soft tone. You don´t bother to answer.  

I want you now - Request Sunday #19

~The Fanfic for today´s Request Sunday is based on the following Request~

The sun was bright and warm, illuminating your tanned skin. You enjoy the feeling of warmth the sun beams leave on your skin before diving head first into the pool. The water is cold but refreshing. You dive for a few meters before swimming back to the surface.

Together with some other YouTubers you were spending some vacation days in Australia, enjoying the warm weather and just being lazy for a few days. You bought a new bikini just for this vacation and were really excited for the other girls to see it. Zoe and Lousie were already in the pool, refreshing themselves and slowly swimming while chatting. “That bikini is so freaking cute.” Louise says in a squealing tone.

“The colour really compliments your eyes!” Zoe adds nodding. You smile, happy that the others like your bikini. You swim around with the others some time. While you´re in the water the other slowly arrive and lie down on the deck chairs standing around the pool. You slowly swim in small circles when you catch Dan watching you from the corner of your eye. You can´t help but smile a little, but you let your noticing show. Your skin starts to look a bit like a raisin and you decide to get out of the pool for a while. As you´re climbing out of the pool you make eye contact with Dan. Or to be more honest you catch him starring at you. You give him a little smile and feel yourself blushing a little bit. For a couple of months you and Dan were kind of a thing but nobody knew about it, not even Phil.

You grab your towel and dry off your hair a little bit. You are about to search for an empty deck chair when someone grabs your arm. You turn around and see Dan standing right next to you. He pulls you closer and whispers in your ear. “I want you right now.” His voice is husky and passionate. He tightens his grip, takes a quick look around and pulls you back into the hotel. A little confused you just follow him back to his room. The second he closes the door he presses you against the wall and presses his lips against yours. “You looked so fucking hot coming out of the water.” He whispers between kisses. “The way the water slowly was dripping from your soft tanned skin. Your wet hair falling down your shoulders and back. Seeing your hard nipples through your bikini.” His kisses get more rough and passionate. “God, I want you so bad.” He moans and lifts you up, instinctively you wrap your leg around his waist. Dan´s hands are all over your body, rough and ardent. Your delicate area is being pressed against Dan´s crotch. You can feel him getting hard through the fabric of his swim shorts.

The feeling of his hard member arouses you and you gently start rubbing your delicate area against it. You softly moan which each move, fully aware that Dan is watching you closely and obviously enjoying your arousal. Passionately you grab his neck and moan “Fuck me now, Howell.” Dan quickly carries you over to the bed and pulls of your bikini in a quick movement. He spreads your legs and runs his fingers through your wet delicate area. You ardently spread your legs wider and allow Dan to push his cock inside you. You draw a sharp breath overwhelmed by the feeling of Dan pushing his full length inside you. Dan´s hot breath burns on your neck with every moan. A shiver runs through your body as Dan starts thrusting roughly. The sound of your moans fix with his. “I can´t stop thinking about you coming out of the pool.” Dan whispers softly in your ear. “The way the droplets of water on your skin reflected the sunlight and were running down the curves of your body.”

His words make you shiver and you wrap your legs around his waist to push him further inside you. Dan rapidly picks up a faster pace. Your moans get louder and echo through the room, while Dan continues to fuck you harder. You never thought that a simple cute bikini could lead to this, but you´re definitely going to wear it more often.

You arch your back and throw your head back as the orgasm floods through body, and repeatedly moan Dan´s name. Exhausted you sink back on the mattress and take a few deep breaths. “We can´t stay for much longer. The others are probably already wondering where we are.” Dan says. He is still out of breath. You agree reluctantly and five minutes later you´re back at the pool. You jump back into the water while Dan goes back to lying down on his deck chair, but you can still fell his glance lingering on your body. You provocatively move your body through the water, watching Dan biting his lip with arousal.

It´s already late at night when someone knocks on the door of your hotel room. You´re not very surprised to see standing in front of the door. The second you open the door he rushes inside and pushes you against the wall, mumbling “I know what you did earlier in the pool, but gosh you looked so fucking sexy.” He kisses you with pure passion and the cycle repeats.

The Call of Your Soul - Bonus Chapter 1/2 (Dan´s POV)

Dying is silent.

  Dying is quick.

Except I didn´t die.

I don´t remember much of the accident. One second I was walking over the street, laughing about a silly joke Phil made and the next second my world only consisted of pain. I could taste my own blood in my mouth and I heard screaming, just for the fraction of a second. Then I am ripped apart from my body. I feel no more pain. It´s like I´m standing outside of my own body but still being inside it at the same time.

Then there is only darkness, but it´s different from the darkness of the night. There is absolutely no light, just a pitch black void. I feel around me, but there is nothing and so I sink deeper and deeper into the darkness. Endlessly falling through the nothingness. From far away I can hear Phil crying and I can people talking, but it´s muffled, like my head is underwater. I try to call someone, but no sound leaves my mouth. I try to scream again, scream from the top pf my lungs over and over again, but there is only silence pounding in my ears. It gets hard move. Everything around me is sticky, pulling me deeper inside. I try to fight against it but I´m so tired. I just want to let go, sleep and rest my exhausted body. But something stops me, like there is a reason I can´t let go just yet.

I lose all sense of time. I can´t tell if it´s night or day. I´m just floating through the darkness moving without a sense of motion. It gives me time to think. I´m probably in a hospital. I don´t think I´m dead, but I´m probably really close. They always say you see your life flashing before your eyes before you die, but I only remember a few things that are very dear to me heart, like the day I moved in with Phil. Suddenly all the times I was contemplating death feel ironic, like someone is playing a shitty joke on me. And I keep on drifting through my own mind, trapped in my own darkness.

I don´t know how much time has passed but suddenly something changes. Everything around me starts vibrating. Something is coming. My hearts starts to beat faster and I feel a warmth flooding my body. I hectically look around and suddenly there is light. Not as small shimmer, but a burning flame, like a bonfire burning in the core of my soul. Then I hear voices, but they are still muffled and I can´t understand what they are saying. I start crawling towards the bonfire which is burning brighter with every second. The voices get closer and all of the sudden I can feel someone taking my hand and the vibrations inside my soul are shaking everything around me. I fight against the sticky black void around me, but I´m stuck too deep. Whoever was holding my hand breaks away and I start screaming. Scream that I am here, that I am still alive and that I need help.

The next thing I feel is pure pain. Something is being pushed inside my heart and I scream in agony, but nobody hears me. I can feel something spreading inside my body, something rushing through my veins. My strength returns with every pump of my heart. Aggressively I move towards the light. I always joke about my soul being nothing but a black void, but I don´t want to eternally float through this until the darkness consumes everything that´s left of me. I want to reach that fire, I want to see the face behind the voice. Then I hear a voice. It´s very clear, like someone is standing right beside me.

“Dan, I know you can hear me. Somewhere in there you can hear my voice. Listen to it, follow it, cling to hit and use it as a tether to your life. You have to fight – for me. You can´t leave me, now that I know how your soul feels like. Please, stay with me.”

The words make me shiver and give me the last bit of motivation that is needed. I push forward, fighting against the dark. And I just do what the voices said. I cling to it, imagine it being like a rope I use to pull myself out of this black nothingness. Every fibre of my body wants to reach that light and slowly, very slowly I come closer and closer to it. The fire is almost blinding me, but it doesn´t burn me as I try to reach for it. I stretch out my hand and the second my fingers touch the light something pulls me back in my body. I can feel a hand lying on my chest. My brain feels like it´s filled with wadding and it´s hard to think. My soul still feels like it´s been set on fire. I try to open my eyes but I don´t have the strength, so I keep them close and listen to the sounds around me. I can hear the beeping of different machines and people standing near me. I recognize Phil´s breathing. The hand on my chest gently breaks away and I feel my chest being covered with a soft fabric. I´m exhausted and tired but in the back off my mind I know that there is still something to do and suddenly I remember. I try to take a breath only to find something stuck in my throat. I start coughing as my body naturally tries to breathe again. I feel like I´m suffocating and I can´t stop coughing.

“Quick, hold him down!”

There is the voice again! I desperately want to open my eyes and see the person it belongs to, but my body is too busy trying to breath. Someone starts holding me down as I violently flail my limbs and another person tries to remove the tube.

“Have you ever done this before?” That´s Phil´s voice. Hearing his voice normally calms me down, but he sounds worried.

“I practiced on a dummy once.” Again this strange voice. It´s soft, velvety and I could imagine listening to it for the rest of time, even though the words don´t sound very promising.

The person carefully pulls out the tube and eventually manages to get it out. Immediately I can breathe freely. I can feel the oxygen feeling my lungs.

“We really need to go now.” A third voice. Deep and husky. Definitely a man. And I don´t like what he´s saying. Don´t leave me. I want the voice to stay with me. I try to get my body to wake up, so I can tell the voice to stay by my side. I´m fighting, biting, flailing my arms, but my body lies still and won´t move at all.

“Thank you and I´m so sorry about everything.” The voice again.

“You´re sorry about what?” Phil. He sounds confused. The words are followed by some noises I can´t put into place, but I recognize the snapping of a brief case and the sound of a door being opened and closed quickly, then footsteps. I can sense someone standing next to me. The person leans close to me and takes me hand, softly squeezing it for a moment.

“Keep fighting, we´re so close to being together.”

Why are you leaving me then? If were so close to being together, why are you leaving? Don´t leave me, whoever you are, don´t leave. Stay. Stay! STAY!

But my cries go unheard and seconds later I hear the door again and I know that I´m alone. And I just let go, let my tiered, exhausted body get the rest it´s been begging for. I quickly fall asleep, deep and dreamless.

I don´t know how long I´ve been sleeping. When I wake up I finally have the strength to open my eyes. I need to blink a few times as the bright neon light above the bed blinds me at first. Very carefully I turn my head and find Phil sitting on a chair close to my bed. He´s asleep, resting his head on the mattress next to my hand. I gently take his hand in mine, to remind myself that someone´s here and close my eyes, falling asleep again.

Thenceforth everything goes very quickly. The doctor visits me, telling me I´m going to recover completely. They can not explain how or why but apparently my body starts healing itself rapidly. For a second I consider telling them about the voice and everything that happened, but when I ask Phil about it he can´t remember a single thing, so I start to believe that I was just hallucinating due to the morphine and the injuries. Phil visits me every day, spending every second possible by my side. We joke around and laugh a lot, but from time to time Phil all of the sudden gets very quiet and seriously before bursting out “Never do that to me again, Howell!” I always try to casually brush it off. “Phil! I´m not intending to get hit by a fucking car again.” I answer with a sarcastic laugh.

A couple days later I´m allowed to leave the hospital. Phil and I stay three more days before flying back to London. And way to quickly my life is back to normal. Me and Phil record gaming videos and do our monthly radio shows and I make a video about the accident and how you should appreciate life. But somehow I can´t believe in this moral myself. I can´t get that voice out of my head and I still can feel an echo of the fire that burned in my soul. It makes me feel empty and lonely. For a couple of minutes I had a connection to that stranger, I could actually feel her touching my soul, but how is it possible I still feel an imprint of that connection when I´m not even sure if it really happened or I was just fucking hallucinating it.

I live from day to day, contemplating my life and constantly asking myself why I didn´t die, who saved me and why they left without a trace. I try not to fall into an existential crisis, clinging to the hope that one day I´m going to meet that stranger. Phil is very patient with me, giving me a lot of space and time when I need it and helping me to find inspiration for videos. I don´t want the outside to see my struggle so I quickly learn to cover my pain with humor and a shit ton of sarcasm. But a person can only take so much pain and sorrow before they snap.

I snapped two days before Christmas Eve. Phil already left to spend Christmas with his parents in the North and I was supposed to take a flight to India with my family to spend Christmas with them on a hot exotic beach. I´m standing in my bed room looking at my half packed suit case. If been crying for half an hour, torn by my feelings, eaten alive by the void in my soul. Every fibre of my body tells me that I shouldn´t leave, that I should stay in London. And I make a decision.

Bonus Chapter for the 'The Call of Your Soul' tomorrow and a new Philly Fanfic on Friday!

The Natural Connection Fanfic - Request Sunday #18

~The Fanfic for today´s Request Sunday is based on the following Request~

You don´t even remember why you were running late, you probably have been held up by something. You still had to get changed before Dan picks you up, but you still were in the middle of blow drying your hair. You and Dan wanted to go to the movie. Actually Dan wanted to go with Phil, but Phil got sick and because Dan had already bought the tickets he asked you to come instead. Even though you considered Dan one of your best friends, that you have a special connection to, you rarely do things together so you agreed without hesitation.

Your door bell rings and you feel the panic of the rush rising inside you. You quickly buzz the door open and shout “I´m in the bedroom.” Into the hallway, so Dan´s not wondering why you´re not waiting for him on the door. You rush into the bedroom and quickly start to take of your clothes, leaving you naked except for your underwear. You can hear Dan closing your door just as you start rummaging for something to wear. Impetuously you throw your clothes to the ground, trying to find a good outfit. You´re so caught up in picking an outfit that you don´t hear Dan walking down the hallway. But you very clearly hear him opening your bedroom door. You turn around, completely aware you´re still only wearing your underwear you try to cover your body. Quickly realising how stupid it is you let your hands sink.

You look at Dan in shock, unable to move. And Dan just looks at you. You can see his eyes wandering over your body, but somehow you don´t mind anymore and just stare back, watching him closely. You let your hands sink down, waiting for Dan´s reaction. You watch his brown eyes staring at you intensely. He still hasn´t said anything and he doesn´t seem shocked he walk in on you getting changed, but you can see the small red patch on his cheek, telling you he is definitely feeling something. It´s hard to read his expression. A little embarrassed you look at the ground and want to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear. “Don´t.” Dan breathes and you stop in the middle of your movement. You open your mouth as if you want to ask him why, but no words come out, so you just let your hand sink again. You look back up at Dan and your eyes lock. Without warning Dan comes over to you, taking big steps, and puts your face in his hands, bringing himself close to you. And then he kisses you. Slowly pressing his lips against yours, pulling away a bit and coming close again. You sink into the kiss. You never knew you wanted him, needed him, but suddenly you want nothing else. Dan´s hands wander from your cheeks down your body, following the outlines of every curve. His touch makes you shiver.

You start to let your hands glide over his body, exploring all the features you feel like you already know so well. Without a word Dan takes his shirt off and throws it to the ground. His skin feels warm and soft under the tips of your finger. Dan pulls you closer to his body until the skin on your stomach touches his. He wraps his arms around you, placing his hands softly on your ass and in response you wrap your arms around his neck. Everything comes naturally as if you´ve done it a million time.

Carefully Dan starts guiding you to your bed. A few moments later his jeans is lying on the floor next to his shirt and you´re both tangled in your sheets. You´re on top of Dan, pressing your body close to his and feeling his hard member through the silky fabric of your underwear. You can´t stop kissing him. You never want to a day go by without the feeling of his lips on yours anymore. Like a quick working drug you´re already addicted to his touch.

You help Dan to pull down his boxers before allowing him to push his hard member inside you. You start to move your hips, overwhelmed by the lust flushing through your body. The act is passionate and lustful, but somehow still slow and intimate. Neither of you is saying a word except for some inarticulate moans, but you still understand the other one perfectly and react to each other so naturally it almost scares you a little. You close your eyes and throw your head back with lust, enjoying the feeling of Dan´s full length inside you. Pleasurably you let yourself sink on Dan´s cock with every move. Dan rolls you around and take the position on top. The satisfaction his hard thrusting brings you fills your head, leaving no room for other thoughts. He kisses your neck, your breasts and your arms, while his hands follow the curves of your body and tightly grab your waist. His thrusting is steady and passionate and his moans sound husky. You lose all sense of time and have no idea how long you´ve been loving each other but when you give in to the satisfaction of an orgasm the evening had turned into night. Still not saying a word you cuddle up in your bed. Dan holds you closely in his arms. His head is resting close to your neck and from time to time he softly kisses it.

Would someone be interested in a bonus chapter of 'The Call of your Soul' from Dans Pov?

The Honeymoon Fanfic - Request Sunday #17

~The Fanfic for today´s Request Sunday is based on the following Request~

A cold pale moon light falls through the open window illuminating your pure white dress. A warm breeze, typical for a hot summer day, brushes against your skin and ruffles your hair. You sense someone stepping behind you and two strong arms are being wrapped around your waist. “You look beautiful in this light, Mrs. Howell.” Dan whispers softly in your ear. You can´t help but smile when he calls you Mrs Howell. It still feels new and kind of strange, but in a good way.

Your wedding was as beautiful as you always dreamed, all your friends were there and your families. You got married in a big garden, with flowers blooming everywhere around. You can still see Dan´s face in your mind´s eye as you walked down the aisle and the way he looked during your first dance. You danced until the early morning hours. Now you´re standing in front of the open window of your honey moon suite.

Dan pulls you closer and gently rests his head on your shoulder, enjoying the view together with you. You silently watch the stars and the big full moon wander over the dark blue night sky. Dan softly kisses your neck and let´s his warm lips wander over your soft skin, sending pleasant shivers through your body. You feel him opening your dress, slow and careful. He tenderly moves the straps down your shoulders, kissing the skin that´s been hidden by the fabric before. You close your eyes and just focus on the feeling of Dan´s warm hands and lips on your body. Dan patiently works his way down until you are left in your underwear. You step out of your dress and turn around. Dan looks amazing in his wedding suit and you take a moment to admire the way he looks illuminated by the bright full moon. His complexion looks soft and beautiful and you can see the reflexion of the moon in his warm brown eyes.  

Dan takes your hand and guides you to the bed. He gives you a little side smirk before he kisses you passionately. You respond ardently, wrapping your arms around your neck. His tongue slips into your mouth leaving a sweet taste behind. He breaks away from the kiss, takes a moment to look into your eyes and sits down on the bed in front of you. He puts his hands on your ass and pulls you close to him. He looks up at you with a provocative smirk and playfully raises an eyebrow, before he pulls down your underwear. He starts kissing your delicate area and slips his tongue between your labia. Surprised you grab his hair and moan loudly into the silent night, throwing back your head. Dan seemingly enjoys giving you pleasure by licking your delicate area. You close your eyes and moan with relish as feel yourself getting wet. You try to hold yourself back, but you can barely take it anymore, begging Dan to stop.

You reach out your hand for him and pull him up. You step closer to Dan and place your hands on his chest, feeling his fast beating heart. Dan already took off his bow tie. In a swift motion you take off his suit jacket and start to unbutton his shirt. His pale skin glows in the moon light. Your hands wander over his skin from his waist to his chest to his back, admiring all the beautiful features of his body, like his collar bones and shoulder blades. Before you know it Dan throws you on the bed before getting on top of you. Avidly you open his pants and pull them down together with his boxers. Dan´s hard member springs free and he gently starts rubbing it against your delicate area before he pushes it inside you. Your moans fill the room as Dan starts thrusting, pushing his cock deep inside you. You had sex together many time before your weeding but this time was special. It was your first time as Mrs. and Mr. Howell and you could feel the deep affection and warmth that has been in the atmosphere the whole day with every movement. Every touch leaves an intense feeling behind. Your back arches with pleasure when Dan increases his pace and pushes even deeper inside you. He kisses your breasts and delicately sucks on your nipples.

You can´t withstand Dan´s big cock inside you for long after he was already teasing you so delicately before. You don´t hold back and just moan his name with pure pleasure as you orgasm. You can feel the rhythmical pulsation as Dan comes inside you. Dan remains on top of you and softly pushes a damp strain of your hair from your face. His breath is going fast and he looks deep into your eyes. “I love you, Mrs. Howell. You changed my life from the day I met you, bringing light and happiness into it. I quickly realised I never want to spend a day without you by my side, so I asked you to marry me, hoping you could imagine spending your life with me. Ever since you said yes I feel this constant warmth and love inside me and for the rest of our lives I´m going to make you feel the same way.”