paige.

I think I wasn’t ever made for life. And life wasn’t made for me. Everything is such a struggle for me. Even the simplest things and I just don’t know how to be happy or functional anymore. Everyone leaves. Everyone dies. And I love too much and I can’t handle change. How am I ever supposed to be okay in the future if everything is always changing? I’ll never find someone to grow old with because of my anxiety making putting myself out there something that isn’t an option and eventually everyone I love and lean on will be gone and I’ll be left alone. I wanna go back in time so bad and have my family stay together forever and for me and my sister to be kids and have no worries. I feel like my heart breaks more and more each day and I’m gonna be a hollow shell of a person soon and no one can help me. I just want it to stop.

hot

cuuuuuute

my heart just feels so heavy and it feels like even if I talk about it it’s never gonna get better. I don’t wanna feel like this forever. I feel like I’m drowning and sinking deeper and deeper and no one can hear me.

casually wearing a ryan magee shirt to a demolition derby tonight

🥺 who told them they could be so cute

I cropped these so I could stare at these handsome nerds

My entire life I’ve been the peace keeper. Ive been the one that has to dissolve the tension and make everyone happy. Now at 26 I don’t know anything about myself or what I like or want. I’m stuck in place while life is moving on around me. The thing is I never learned how to move forward...to handle change because I had to focus solely on how to keep everyone else’s emotions under control. I’ve just never felt at peace or like I belong anywhere. I’ve always been the friend that checks up on everyone but not once ever have I been the friend that gets checked up on. It’s caused me to form these twisted dependencies on people that wouldn’t notice if I wasn’t there. I crave their attention and validation knowing I’ll never TRULY have it. And maybe that’s just how it is supposed to be. Maybe I’m just here as a side character to help other people progress their lives and stories along but never really getting one of my own.

This isn’t a pity party for me I’m just accepting what it is. I’ve never been special or interesting and I’m not ever going to be and I just have to learn to live with that for as long as I can.

look at them

TW: DEPRESSION

I know I should be happy for my family and friends for reaching milestones in their lives like moving out, learning to drive, having kids...but I’m just not. And I know that makes me a selfish and bad person but I really don’t want life to change. Life is changing around me so fast and I’m just standing here paralyzed with fear about it all. I don’t move forward in life I’m just stagnant and I honestly don’t think I want to move forward. I want things how they were before. I know that’s not possible or a realistic mindset but it’s how I feel. I just hate being such a loser. I can’t drive, I have literally 2 friends (that are moving away soon) and I can’t even fathom the idea of moving out of my parents house (my younger sister is considering moving and it broke my heart). I know it’s my fault but I still don’t know what to do. I go to therapy for my anxiety because it controls my life entirely but I’m tired of being broken. I just want to be normal. I’m so tired of being the one that’s left out of everything and is just watching life happen around them. I’m just tired. Life is so exhausting and I don’t know how to do it anymore.