Why I don't say "dead name."
I was born premature, and my parents' first child. I was a "surprise" as they say, but they still very much were happy to have me, as they were planning on starting a family, just not so soon.
They put a lot of thought into my name, or rather, my names.
I am named after my great-great-grandmother, whose name began with "E" in English and "א" in Hebrew.
I am named after my great-grandfather, whose initials were "E M" in English and "א מ" in Hebrew.
A few days after I was born, I lost consciousness, and was in the NICU for days. My father, in my naming ceremony in the hospital's chapel, breathlessly added a third name, the Hebrew word for "is alive", which begins with "C" in English and "ח" in Hebrew.
The English translation of my given name is roughly "Hidden Living Rebellion", which I embodied well.
My name now is Eitan Meshullam Chai. I kept the initials, both in Hebrew and in English. Its English translation is "Strong, Complete, Alive." I embody that meaning well today. I am strong, I am complete, and I am alive.
My given name is not bad, I have no reason to kill it. Is "Yaakov" dead to "Yisrael" just because he was renamed? Is "Sarai" dead to "Sarah" just because she was renamed? No. "Yaakov" and "Sarai" were different people that changed when they became "Yisrael" and "Sarah", but "Yaakov" and "Sarai" were never dead. Just transformed.
I accomplished many things under my former names. I was a creative, intelligent little girl, and yes, I was a girl, though I grew into a man. I wasn't a little boy, I was never treated as such and didn't embody the role of a boy. I was a girl, and now I am a man. But the little girl isn't dead. She lives within me, as all my past selves do.
My given names were gifts. It's said that parents are given a hint of prophecy when they name their child. My parents named we well. I was hidden, I did rebell, and I'm still alive. I wouldn't kill a prophecy they made.
Is a seed dead just because it grew into a flower? Is an egg dead just because it hatched?
My past names are not my "dead names". They are my given names, and now, I have my new names, my chosen names, chosen with the same gift of prophecy as my parents' had.
My past self is not dead. It is merely transformed, transitioned, you may say.
