You know what upsets me the most, besides the harassment and bullying, is the fact that another voice for mental health has been taken away.
I cannot emphasize this enough. I would be dead if it wasn’t for Chris speaking out about mental illness. I would have killed myself if it weren’t for that interview I read which led my to finding my therapist. I was a complete mess and no one knew it. No one close to me knew what I was feeling and what I was going through because I did think I was crazy. I thought that I was worthless and no one would miss me. I had tried therapy, unbeknownst to anyone I knew, once and I left feeling like everything I felt wasn’t true because a therapist told me after twenty minutes together that I didn’t have anxiety, that I was stupid for having body image issues, and that I shouldn’t be depressed because I had so much in my life. It was the worst and most demeaning experience in my life and I left that session ready to end it. If nothing was wrong with me (even though my primary physician told me I had anxiety and depression) then I didn’t want to go on feeling the way I did. If I couldn’t get better and get help from the one source who was supposed to provide it, what was the point of going on. I was silent for so long and was willing to stay silent if I was going to be viewed as another crazy person. For months I stayed silent, all while thinking of ways (the best and most efficient way) to kill myself. Looking back now, I did give signs to my family and close friends. I grew distant and my silence of my pain led to my silence in general. My mother would sit down with me and ask what was wrong. But I feared she would feel the same things that therapist did, so I faked being okay. I faked a smile and told her I was fine. I was fine because I had to be. It didn’t matter that I cried myself to sleep every night or that my flashbacks were getting worse or that just the idea going outside was overwhelming. I was fine because a therapist told me I had to be. Then one week, one terrible week, I knew it would be the end for me. I had made the plan and I was going to do it.
I honestly don’t remember what led me to finding that interview, I don’t even remember why I looked into Chris Wood that next day. I think I was on Twitter and saw one of his tweets that made me laugh. Whatever the cause, I did. I looked into him and found the article. And his words made me cry because finally I found someone who was fighting for me. Someone else, a man who didn’t even know me, was fighting for me and was telling me that it’s okay. I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I was feeling. And with each article afterward that I read, I felt hope blossom in my chest again. Something I hadn’t felt in years. Two days. I had been ready to kill myself in two days. My plans were set and I was ready to do it. But then Chris stopped me. That following day I, for the first time, told my mom everything I had been feeling. Everything I went through. She let me talk and cry for hours. When I finished, fearing that I would be ridiculed again, she grabbed my hand with tears in her eyes and told me she knew. She had seen the changes with me and knew that something terrible had happened. Which was why she kept reaching out to me to talk. She was sorry she couldn’t protect me then but she would do everything know to. And that she was there for me, 100%. I cried for another hour after because I had someone else on my side. I finally saw that maybe I wasn’t crazy.
After that talk, I made the call to my current therapist office. I waited a week to see her and the moment she introduced herself I knew everything would be okay eventually. My session ran thirty minutes over because she let me talk for over an hour about everything. She let me cry and listened. When I was done she told me she was so sorry for everything I had been through and that I wasn’t crazy. Everything I felt was valid and she was there for me. And with that sentence my fate was sealed. I was on the path to recovery.
Now that same voice which saved me has been silenced by bullies. That voice which I know for a fact has saved more lives than just my own is silenced because of something so trivial. I don’t want to think of the lives that may be lost because this voice was taken away. But it hurts my heart to see this happen. I am so disappointed in the human race right now. To know that you would take such a strong and powerful voice away from people that desperately need it, is tragic. You should be ashamed of yourselves and take a long, hard look at what your priorities should be.
