anna 🏳️‍🌈

The most difficult part of hiding a sword, I imagine, would not be in the actual hiding, but in squashing down the phenomenal urge to tell absolutely everyone that you *HAVE* a SWORD

Me as a super cool secret agent: (leaning in to a stranger on the bus) hey I bet you can't guess how many awesome knives I have right now

(In my head) Don't tell them you're an assassin. Don't them you're an assassin. Killing people is bad. Don't tell anyone you're an assassin

(Out loud) Hey does anybody want to see a dead senator

ITS BEEN THREE YEARS AND I SWITCHED COMPANIES SO I CAN FINALLY TELL THIS STORY

Okay so I was site security, right? And I was assigned two splits in my regular shift, all at different locations (which was, essentially, working 12.5 hours a day and only getting paid for 8, which I do not recommend) and on TOP of that I was also swinging a part-time position, so I was usually on about 6 hours of sleep and zero brain function

And I'm in between one location and another (by bus, because I cannot drive) when I realize OH FUCK ITS MY BEST FRIENDS BACHELORETTE PARTY TOMORROW

By the time I get off work everything will be closed and there will be no time in the morning, so I getcoff my bus a couple stops early and figure hey, pawn shops have cool weird shit, right? Great place for a neat gift, right?

And I walk in with just my backpack and my umbrella and proceed to buy a sword

And THEN i realize that it is about fifteen minutes until I'm due to punch in, and I have no time to stop by my place, and I'm a UNIFORM SECURITY GUARD, and I'm not allowed a fucking POCKET KNIFE and I'm about to bring a goddamn SWORD into a government building

So I just kinda. Jam one end into my umbrella and tie it to my backpack.

And it works. Nobody looks twice.

But for a solid four and a half hour I was stuck on patrol with a building full of very nice people making casual and professional small talk while I'm internally white-knuckling the insane urge to tell every person who comes up to me that HEY GUESS WHAT I SNUCK A SWORD INTO WORK DO YOU WANNA SEE IT

I did manage to keep a lid on it and get out consequence-free and the bride-to-be seemed delighted so it all ended up fine anyways, but still

(The hole in physical security was managed later.)

A brief moment of rationality from the bird place.

I had to pee really bad and o forgot that I had just sliced jalapeño peppers and the chef is looking nice at me weird because I’m pouring milk on a rag and running to the bathroom

My dick has been on fire for over an hour

I told my chef what happened and he was like “you only make that mistake about fourteen times”

He tells me this story about this time he had gotten out of a chili class in which he had been cutting habenjero peppers all class and he goes back to his dorm and starts finger blasting his girlfriend and she stars SCREECHING.

She he fukin SPRINTS to the dorm prep kitchen and gets a gallon of heavy cream and runs back to the room. He starts pouring this shit all over her Cooze right, and she’s like shoveling cream into her hole. And he’s freaking out. Like he’s so sure that this chick is don’t with him forever.

So they deal with this thing and the cream works and he’s like massaging it into her pussy for like a half an hour because you have to constantly soak it to nullify the habenjero oils or whatever. And she gets INTO IT.

She fucking CUMS

And my chef tells me this stupid ass story and looks me in the eye and says to me

“Nothing says I love you like a gallon of heavy cream in her pussy”

And I think that’s the best sentence I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

Yes good story but WHY IS IT IN LIKE 8 DIFFERENT PARTS DO YOU KNOW WHAT PARAGRAPHS ARE.

ITS THIS. YOU COULD HAVE DONE THIS.

SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE AT WORK AND CANT POST EVERYTHING AT ONE TIME FUCK OFF

its serialized. he’s a modern day dickens

Always something off about how an artist will spend years and years making a webcomic and then you can just read all of it in like a few hours

Whoof.

Oh that face is Brennan realizing how predictable he is. That card got created in an hour with no notice.

Congrats Mike Trapp you may have also gotten played but truly you won.

This is such a homophonic tweet

???? How?????? Is this a joke reblog????

me: I have GOT to get weirder!

also me when I do get weirder: *visibly shaking* I'm going to be killed with hammers by everyone for being a freak.

NOOOOOOOO SONIC LOOK OUT YOUR GOING TO STEP ON FISH!!!!!

The intrepid heroes as muppets

This weekend I was told a story which, although I’m kind of ashamed to admit it, because holy shit is it ever obvious, is kind of blowing my mind.

A friend of a friend won a free consultation with Clinton Kelly of What Not To Wear, and she was very excited, because she has a plus-size body, and wanted some tips on how to make the most of her wardrobe in a fashion culture which deliberately puts her body at a disadvantage.

Her first question for him was this: how do celebrities make a plain white t-shirt and a pair of weekend jeans look chic?  She always assumed it was because so many celebrities have, by nature or by design, very slender frames, and because they can afford very expensive clothing.  But when she watched What Not To Wear, she noticed that women of all sizes ended up in cute clothes that really fit their bodies and looked great.  She had tried to apply some guidelines from the show into her own wardrobe, but with only mixed success.  So - what gives?

His answer was that everything you will ever see on a celebrity’s body, including their outfits when they’re out and about and they just get caught by a paparazzo, has been tailored, and the same goes for everything on What Not To Wear.  Jeans, blazers, dresses - everything right down to plain t-shirts and camisoles.  He pointed out that historically, up until the last few generations, the vast majority of people either made their own clothing or had their clothing made by tailors and seamstresses.  You had your clothing made to accommodate the measurements of your individual body, and then you moved the fuck on.  Nothing on the show or in People magazine is off the rack and unaltered.  He said that what they do is ignore the actual size numbers on the tags, find something that fits an individual’s widest place, and then have it completely altered to fit.  That’s how celebrities have jeans that magically fit them all over, and the rest of us chumps can’t ever find a pair that doesn’t gape here or ride up or slouch down or have about four yards of extra fabric here and there.

I knew that having dresses and blazers altered was probably something they were doing, but to me, having alterations done generally means having my jeans hemmed and then simply living with the fact that I will always be adjusting my clothing while I’m wearing it because I have curves from here to ya-ya, some things don’t fit right, and the world is just unfair that way.  I didn’t think that having everything tailored was something that people did. 

It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t know this.  But no one ever told me.  I was told about bikini season and dieting and targeting your “problem areas” and avoiding horizontal stripes.  No one told me that Jennifer Aniston is out there wearing a bigger size of Ralph Lauren t-shirt and having it altered to fit her.

I sat there after I was told this story, and I really thought about how hard I have worked not to care about the number or the letter on the tag of my clothes, how hard I have tried to just love my body the way it is, and where I’ve succeeded and failed.  I thought about all the times I’ve stood in a fitting room and stared up at the lights and bit my lip so hard it bled, just to keep myself from crying about how nothing fits the way it’s supposed to.  No one told me that it wasn’t supposed to.  I guess I just didn’t know.  I was too busy thinking that I was the one that didn’t fit.

I thought about that, and about all the other girls and women out there whose proportions are “wrong,” who can’t find a good pair of work trousers, who can’t fill a sweater, who feel excluded and freakish and sad and frustrated because they have to go up a size, when really the size doesn’t mean anything and it never, ever did, and this is just another bullshit thing thrown in your path to make you feel shitty about yourself.

I thought about all of that, and then I thought that in elementary school, there should be a class for girls where they sit you down and tell you this stuff before you waste years of your life feeling like someone put you together wrong.

So, I have to take that and sit with it for a while.  But in the meantime, I thought perhaps I should post this, because maybe my friend, her friend, and I are the only clueless people who did not realise this, but maybe we’re not.  Maybe some of you have tried to embrace the arbitrary size you are, but still couldn’t find a cute pair of jeans, and didn’t know why.

This post is one of those things that I will reblog every time it appears on my dash.  This is so important, and no one ever tells you about it.

I almost didn’t read this but then I did and I’m really glad that I did.

And like, I had fiber craft lessons all through my mandatory schooling (sewing, knitting, crochet etc). “Learn to modify a store-bought item to match your body” would fit in those classes just fine. 

Please reblog this every thime you see it. Make sure it spreads everywhere.

sorry i cant hang out i forgot how to mimic human like behaviour

I mean if you wanna just loom in the corner like some kinda creature that's cool, we just don't want you getting left out

Both the article and the tweet are disingenuous. Jenna Ortega never praised Hamas, but she also didn't say "Palestinians deserve to live" either.

Her exact tweet was "decolonize Palestine" which holds very different connotations. Implying that Palestine has been colonized in turn suggests that Israel is a colony and not a sovereign nation state.

Are you seriously surprised that some Israelis are not happy with people telling them that their country doesn't deserve to exist?

Their country doesn’t deserve to exist, hope that helps!! ♥️

"implying that Palestine has been colonized" yeah. That's what happened.

“In turn suggests Israel is a colony and not a sovereign nation-state” hey quick question how come the Palestinian population in Palestine went from 1,300,000 to 156,000 in one year?

Headcanon: sometimes Jedi talk directly to the Force and they’re just …talking. Out loud. Sometimes in a skyward direction. Sometimes elsewhere. Just clearly not at anyone else around. And not like polite or prayerfully or anything. Like “where is it? where - oh, there it is, thank you!”, “are you karking serious?”, “So what do you think?”, “is this a good idea? My master said it was, but I wanted to check with you”, “You couldn’t have told me this earlier?”, “Suuure we’ll go into the creepy cave just because you said it’s fine, not like we have massively different understandings of what fine means”, “Hey, could you pass me that? …Thanks”, “Meddle I will not, if meddle you do not”, etc.

Force podcasts

“‘Go into the dark alley,’ the Force said.”

“‘It’ll be fun,’ the Force said.”

Riz Gukgak junior year

Really enjoyed my clients tonight. They were fun and friendly and seemed to like me a lot.

However. They asked me if I’d come back over for a movie Saturday night while their children are staying over at a friend’s house.

That seems like a Netflix and chill thing, right? It’s a Saturday night movie, not a coffee or a hike. If they were a man and woman I’d think it was a proposition for sure. Only they were both men, and I don’t know what gender they read me as—I mentioned that I wanted to look into selling my art at a Pride event. And they never dropped any pronouns for me. Now, they could be bi, but I feel like if they read me as a butch woman they’d ask some more clarifying questions before suggesting Netflix and chill. But if this is a platonic hangout invitation between a couple of blokes and their new dyke friend, well. That sounds great. But there is nothing in world more awkward than asking the questions necessary to confirm that.

Suddenly I understand the appeal of pronoun pins.

The perils of dating updated

I’m fucking dying dude there is no way I can clarify this without abject mutual mortification

ACTUALLY! you have a totally neutral way to diffuse this. I have used this before and it tends to diffuse situations where a comedic misunderstanding could lead to shenanigans. You just have to ask them, directly and in a neutral/friendly manner something like, “are you inviting me to ‘Netflix and Chill’? Or are you inviting me over to watch tv and hangout?” You are calling out the inherent comedy in this moment, this nullifying the mortification, while also clarifying intent. Ball is in their court to be forward (if they feel up to it ) about their intent. For me, folks tend to just come out and say what they mean. If they didn’t mean it in a forward way, you’re all primed to laugh about it. If they did and you’re into it, primed for flirt. If they did but you aren’t, ultra low stakes moment to be like “no thank you, but I would down to [x]”. Good luck bestie

Well no because it’s not just a question of vibes. I’m not an infant—I can ask variations on “is this a date?” just fine. If it were that simple it would be a non-issue.

The mortification comes in with the gender question. If they read me as a lesbian, asking “is this a date?” is very embarrassing for me to admit even thinking was a possibility. Strike me dead for thinking they made that mistake. On the other hand, if they read me as a man and the question is “yes”, then I’ve got to follow it up with not just a rejection but a reveal that they mistook my gender, which for some people is so devastatingly humiliating it’s nauseating (granted, my sample pool is mostly straight women).

okay nobody asked but these are my thoughts re: all of the rogues in the '66 Batman series who are just. played by multiple actors and it's never addressed or explained within the show at all.

so the three different Catwomen (Newmar, Meriwether, and queen icon Kitt) are like. they're besties. they're former college roommates, maybe. they're BFFs who are all kind of mean with each other but they're still regularly hanging out and getting brunch and maybe eating each other out a little. mildly toxic but they hype each other up. to it's kind of a Mystery of the Batwoman situation where three women are all just using the same name and same(ish) costume except they're not ever trying to hide it at all.

none of the Mr. Freezes actually know each other; those are completely unrelated men who are using the same name because it's convenient and there aren't actually a TON of good ice-themed names out there when you really think about it. knowing how '66 Batman works they do all probably run into each other at a ray gun enthusiasts' convention or something and it's predictably awkward.

the Riddlers are divorced and they hate each other.

TIL that the actor who played the Riddler for one (1) episode while Frank Gorshin was angling for a pay raise was also Gomez Addams. the more you know.

i don’t know literally ANY famous people it’s starting to stress me out because people are always saying names to me like i should know the names. and i never do

"name 50 famous people who-" fuck… i uhhhhh didn’t know there were that many. amelia earheart… ummmm. doja..cat.

You